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• Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.
  Struggle to become a parrot or something. -- Jack Handey, "Deep Though...
• IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying.
  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did....
• I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best.
  We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us....
• I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
  No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions which is freaking out....
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives connected by a thin strand.
  Come on, Marta, grow up. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
• I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!...