Related:

• I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
• I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best.
  We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us....
• TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day.
  Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect.
  I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect....