Related:

• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.
  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it....
• A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
  Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone....
• IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa!
  Whoa!" and flap your arms around as if you're going to fall....
• I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows.
  Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
• I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....