Related:

• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
  Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone....
• I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.
  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it....
• TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
• I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....