Related:

• How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
  -- Woody Alle...
• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
  Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table....
• I read the book of Job last night - I don't think God comes out well in it. -- Virginia Woolf
• If I could read your mind, love, What a tale your thoughts could tell
  Just like a paperback novel, The kind the drugstore sells, When you reach the part where the heartaches come, The hero would be me, Heroes often fail, You won't read that book again, because the ending is just too hard to take....
• If I shot myself, my ex would sue me for the bullet.
• I wouldn't mind being the last man on earth--just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth.
  -- Ronnie Shake...
• As I said last week, I'll be done tomorrow.
• Tony, you're my agent. You _have_ to do something about this.
  ...How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a convenience store clerk to a jittery eskimo firefighter?...
• optimism: n. What a programmer is full of after fixing the last bug and just before actually discovering the *next* last bug.
  Fred Brooks's book "The Mythical Man-Month" (See "Brooks's Law") contains the following paragraph that describes this extremely well...