Related:

• If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip.
  Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.
  First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again....
• Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable---until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!
  ! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are.
  Hey, where am I? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy.
  I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me....
• Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys.
  But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it....
• Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy
  because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else....