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• As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!
  ! -- Jack Handey...
• As I bit into the sweet, tangy nectarine, and tasted the juices running down my chin, I looked down, and realized that it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!
• Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
  I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads....
• I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.
  Struggle to become a parrot or something. -- Jack Handey, "Deep Though...
• If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...