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• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
  He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was....
• I broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies.
  He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I asked this guy if he had the time. He said he'd love to give it to me, but he wasn't sure he could make the commitment.
  -- Carol Siskind...
• Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty.
  I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?...
• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
  -- Henny Youngma...
• I told my doctor I wanted to stop aging. He gave me a gun!
• I got a ticket the other day...I pleaded insanity. The judge asked me why, and I asked him, 'would any sane person park in the passing lane?
  ' I asked, 'Judge, nice day, isn't it?' He said yes....
• Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me.
• What happened then? He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me.
  Did he kill you? No. -- Richard Lederer "Disorder in the Cou...