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• Hey, Mr. President! I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you!
  -- Krusty, "I Love Lisa...
• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
  Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table....
• The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
  -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr....
• Honeymoon night was hot. She was moaning all night in ecstasy.
  Opening gifts: "An orange squeezer! Oh my God! A waffle maker!...
• I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy.
  -- Richard Feynma...
• Sometimes I feel like the next guy that everybody is always better off than.
• I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world.
  He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine....
• Now it's time to say goodbye To all our company... M-I-C (see you next week!
  ) K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) M-O-U-S-E....
• There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
  Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice....