A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are
red.

He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"

Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you
been eating doughnuts?

Bush and Dick: Put 'em together and you're screwed.

Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The
Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada.

At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do
drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for
President.

George Bush and Dick Cheney's campaign slogan: Bush and Dick: Feel
the excitement when they come together!

President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case of constipation. He
sends his Spanish secretary, who knows little English, to the local
hospital. She tells the doctor, "Big President Bush, no shit."

The doctor understands and gives him some medicine to take with him.

The next day, the secretary comes back again and says, "Big President,
no shit."

The doctor gives him even stronger medicine. A few days later, the
secretary comes yet again and says, "Big President, big no shit."

The doctor gives him the strongest medicine he has.

The next day, the secretary comes back to the doctor and says,
"Ba-Boom! Big shit, no President."

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging
it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a
seasoned old hunter.

"Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a
suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the
other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion.
A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is
a lot easier!"

"Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! We're gettin' farther away from
our truck!"

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a
group of businessmen, when a man approaches him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush,
but my name is John Tapay, and I'm here with an extremely important
client. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a
great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying,
'Hello, John'."

Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep
in conversation with his client.

Bush waves and says, "Hello, John!"

The man replies, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps
walking.

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter
wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.

Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted
into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're
Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was
convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the
gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter
said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and
Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're
George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many
of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but
wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands
except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to
be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan." The teacher says,
"Why aren't you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan"

The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my
mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore
fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she
says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot,
what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush
fan."

Q: What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?

A: Drool.

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes
people make about me."

Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just
made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite
stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean."

Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver,
"Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then
rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not
there! Take us back to where we started, please."

The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and
said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go!
Don't worry about their opinions!"

Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and
whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a
phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not
have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?

A last name.

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public
relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.

The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a
little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.

Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do
you know who I am?"

The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you
go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

Out of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, which one do you think has
been referred to as Mr. Bush more often?

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes
over and asks what they will be having.

Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought
that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the
president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and
Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and
Gore came back with none.

Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed
for a revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush
came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the
secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating.

"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

Why doesn't George W. Bush eat parrots?

A little thing called cannibalism.

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:

"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the
enormous power and influence of your father."

"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how
powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!"

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident...

Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too
many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a
while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George
saw it and began screaming.

He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the
window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face
did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the
window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.

The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out
of the mud?"

Bush got a coded message from Saddam.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it
went to the NSA.

The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.

He suggested turning the message upside down ...

President George W. Bush was getting angry about the public opinion
of his ability to govern, so he arranged a press conference to let the
American public know what was on his mind.

He started strongly, "The American People must know that I am wholly
fit, capable, and prepared to serve this nation as commander-in-chief.
And I say to those people who believe that I don't have a mind of my
own..." Bush said and froze. He looked over at Cheney and whispered,
"Dick, what do I say to them again...?"

How does President Bush spell Welfare?

F-A-R-E-W-E-L-L

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many
of them are Bush supporters.

Not really knowing what a Bush supporter is, but wanting to be liked
by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny
says, "I'm not a Bush supporter."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush supporter?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry supporter." The teacher asks why
he's a Kerry supporter. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry
supporter, and my Dad's a Kerry supporter, so I'm a Kerry supporter!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says,
"What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what
would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush supporter."

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First
he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.

Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should
accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean
up the air."

Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue
when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible.
Can't we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"?

The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.

"My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees
tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?

The boy writes the words on the blackboard.

"Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the
President?"

The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard
aloud: "The President is we tall did."

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid.
So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George,
what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me
show you."

She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a
baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.

G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a
baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a
baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a
group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me,
Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely
important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and
it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress
him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."

Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks
by, deep in conversation with his client.

Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."

The little man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps
walking.

George Bush is so dumb he thinks the Joint Chiefs of Staff are a
bunch of indians who roll extra fat doobies.

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning.
George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service
workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta
boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney
in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey
kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were
Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids
were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them
and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that
would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That
would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I
know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed
everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great
loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you
and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown
to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not
be a great loss!"

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.

4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

6. I promise no sex scandal -- just look at me!

7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!

8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers.

10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force
One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw
a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very
happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George
Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00
bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove were all walking
along a beach together after a peace talk , when they spotted an empty
champagne bottle lying in the sand . They popped it open, and a Genie
materialised before them , announcing, "You have two wishes each."

First , George Bush said , "I wish I had an army of a million tanks to
wipe out Saddam Hussein's army and free the people of Iraq! I also
wish I had a fleet of a million oil tankers , to take his oil supplies
when I'm done !"

The Genie granted the Chief Executive his wish .

"Ha !" Saddam retorted . "You won't defeat me so easily ! I wish there
was an impregnable wall around all of Iraq , so no Iranians , Israelis
or infidel Westerners may enter ! I also wish to be transported safely
back to my palace in Baghdad !"

And with that , the Genie did his bidding , and Saddam vanished in a
puff of smoke .

This left only General Cosgrove .

"Well , first of all ," said the good General ,"tell me about this
wall ."

"Well , it's higher than any aeroplane can fly and thicker than any
explosive can penetrate ," replied the Genie . "There are no entrances
or exits . Basically , nothing can get in or out ."

"Right ," replied Cosgrove . "Fill it with water ."

George Bush is so stupid, he's still looking for a corner in his
Oval Office.

George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie
Wonder.

All quotes 100% authentic, and courtesey of George W. Bush.

"I think we can agree. The past is over."

"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."

"It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then." (A
slip on exhillerating)

"It's clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it."

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my
case."

"Will highways on the internet become more few?"

"Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I
really don't realize just how bright our children is."

"I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to
California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California."

"I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 -- for
dyslexics who have an emergency."

"There ought to be limits to freedom." Said about parody websites of
him.

"I believe that we are on an irreversible trent toward democracy and
more freedom- but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and
that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements
in the future."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
poles."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not
having it."

"We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe."

"Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
live in this century."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only proffession that teach our
children."

"It isn't pollution that's ruining the environment; it's all the
impurities in the air and water that's doing it."

"It's time the human race entered the solar system."

George W. Bush was caught breaking the White House dress code by
wearing blue jeans.

Bill Clinton responded by saying, " I never broke the dress code. I
just didn't wear pants at all."

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en route to a public
speaking in Florida.

After staring out the window with a curious look on his face he turns
to Laura and says, "Hey Laura, how about I throw a $100 bill out of
the airplane and make a person happy?"

Laura replies, "Well, why don''t you just throw two $50 bills out of
the airplane and make two people happy?"

George W. thinks about this and replies again with excitement, "I know
what I''''ll do! I''''ll throw five $20 bills out of the airplane and
make five people happy!"

The pilot of the jet turns around with frustration and says, "Why
don''''t you both jump out of the airplane and make the whole world
happy?!"

Bush's mother prayed fervently that GW would grow up and be
president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

Bush is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe!

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress
walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans
close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's
rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks
him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.

Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens
to see the ghost of F. D. R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers,
"Franklin, What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into
the mists.

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Abe, what
is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country?" Bush
pleads.

Abe replies, "My advice is, do something relaxing. Go see a play!"

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie
He leadeth me beside the still farms and small towns.
He restoreth my doubt in the Repulican party
He guideth me down the path of untold debt for the party's sake.

My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income.
He cuteth taxes for the wealthiest surely.
Poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party
and I shall live in a rented house forever.

5,000 years ago, Moses said:
"Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I will lead you to the promised land."

5,000 years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said:
"Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel
this is the promised land."

Today, Bush will steal your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you know there is no promised land.

I am glad I am an American and I am glad that I am free
but I wish I were a little dog and bush were a tree.

Saddam Hussein and George Bush are seated next to each other on a
flight from Los Angeles to New York. George Bush asks if he would like
to play a fun game. Saddam, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch few winks.
Bush persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says,"I ask you a question, and if you don''t know the answer, you
pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

Bush, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don''t know the answer, you
pay me $5, and if I don''t know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches Saddam''s attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this torment, agrees to the game.

George Bush asks the first question:"What''s the distance from the
earth to the moon?" Saddam Hussein doesn''t say a word, reaches into
his wallet, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the George Bush.

"Okay", says the George Bush ,"your turn."

Saddam asks,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?"

George Bush , puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no
answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to
no avail. After an hour, he wakes Saddam and hands him $500. Saddam
thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

George Bush , who is more than a little miffed, stirs Saddam and asks,
"Well, what''s the answer?"

Without a word, Saddam reaches into his purse, hands George Bush
$5,and goes back to sleep.

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble with the law for
underage drinking, the President has lectured them constantly about
the evils of alcohol. His daughters were tired of having the same
conversation week after week, so they finally said, "Okay daddy, we
understand about drinking already, but you've never talked about to us
about sex."

Getting very upset, W. chided the twins: "Young ladies, we do not use
that dirty four-letter word in our home!"

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's
challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what
could have happened had they met

Tuesday February 25, 2003

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between
George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations
headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement
from each of you.

, Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to
the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of
freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may
find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace
and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any
links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links
with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to
tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it
follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if
America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are
on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of
Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis?
Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of
any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your
stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons
inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called
weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any
such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent
weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've
tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there
any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now
take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200%
with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not
passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with
UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require
him to disarm even more fully than that. Then he must destroy all
Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found,
or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there
is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to
revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and
work on it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer
to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of
disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.

Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a
Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica
Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break.

1) Compassionativity is not a word.
2) Social Security IS a federal program.
3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb.
4) Trout are not extinct.
5) Brazil DOES have blacks.
6) Speaking is an important part of being president.
7) Our children is learning enough.
8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.
9)Two words... Big Oil.
10) Sanity is an inalieble right.

What did the troops say to Bush & Rumsfeld when they told them to
march to Baghdad?

We Kuwait!

Why did George W. Bush cross the road?

To ask his dad how to run the presidency.