Doggy Definitions
LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your people
where you want them to go.
DOG BED:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or
the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool
fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close
as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several
times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's
crotches.
GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity.
You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose.
If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef
bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get
maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark
loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls
into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they
want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly
calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by
trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following
at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When
you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house
until your person comes home
SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up
and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh
cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP:
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the
attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The
Sniff. See above.
LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The
best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a
human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
