Related:

• 60 Actual Newspaper Headlines, Collected by Journalists 1.
  Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3....
• How cold is it? This is the Unofficial World Wide Activities Thermometer, based on stereotypes and geographical generalizations by temperature.
  Air Temperatures (all Fahrenheit): 60 DEGREES: Californians put their sweaters on....
• Paddy heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada.
  So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job....
• HOW COLD IS IT? An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit) +50 * New York tenants turn on the heat * Minnesotans plant gardens +40 * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans sunbathe +35 * Italian cars don't start +32 * Distilled water freezes +30 * You can see your breath * You plan a vacation in Florida * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless * Minnesotans eat ice cream +25 * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you +20 * Cleveland water freezes * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts +15 * You plan a vacation to Cancun * Minnesotans go swimming +10 * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * Too cold to snow * You need jumper cables to get the car going 0 * New York landlords turn on the heat -5 * You can hear your breath * You plan a vacation in Hawaii -10 * American cars don't start * Too cold to skate -15 * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Miamians cease to exist * Minnesotans lick flagpoles -20 * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens -25 * Too cold to kiss * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * Japanese cars don't start * Minnesota Twins head for spring training -30 * You plan a two-week hot bath * Bock beer production begins * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof -38 * Mercury freezes * Too cold to think * Minnesotans button top button -40 * Californians disappear * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you * Minnesotans put on sweaters -50 * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * Green Bay Packers practice indoors -60 * Walruses abandon Aleutians * Minnesotans put gloves away
  ake out mittens * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start -70 * Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets * Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI -80 * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -90 * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles * Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer -100 * Santa Claus abandons North Pole * Minnesotans pull down earflaps -173 * Ethyl alcohol freezes -445 * Superconductivity -452 * Helium becomes a liquid -454 * Hell freezes over -456 * Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90 -458 * Incumbent politician renounces campaign contribution -460 (Absolute Zero) * All atomic motion ceases * Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy "A Smile A Day" mailing list === (C) Copyright 1996 - 1998 === jokester@hilarious....
• Case: The Novice. The guy who's taken up a new hobby, killing.
  The one listening to all the stories, asking what's best for killing the big bucks (and buck's)....
• Q: Why do elephants have red balls? A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
  Q: What's the most horrible sound in the jungle? A: Girraffes eating cherries....
• Two newfies were off on their annual trip to the Canadian Rockies to bag a moose.
  As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up....
• A businessman is caught in Iraq and hauled off to jail as a spy.
  After a few days he is taken to Saddam where he pleads for his life....
• TWO NUNS AND A BLIND MAN Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
  After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude....