Related:

• I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight....
• I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings.
  So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement....
• If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your ac
  I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much....
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?
  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way....
• If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.
  They're just not ready. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody
  First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too....