Related:

• If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!
  Hey, better try the emergency brake! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.
  That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...