Related:

• If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?
  Come on, we're not going to hurt it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...