Related:

• If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
  It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance....
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
  That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him....
• If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
  And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep....