Related:

• I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves.
  Otherwise, it makes no sense. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake.
  Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help....
• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised....