Related:

• I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
  -- Emo Phillip...
• I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.
  Then I realized who was telling me this. -- Emo Phillip...
• I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.
  Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillip...
• I was walking down the street, something caught my eye.
  ..and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillip...
• When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple.
  .. or at least a moderately well-managed Presbyterian youth center. -- Emo Phillip...
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
  So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillip...
• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass.
  The refill contained the antidote. -- Emo Phillip...
• ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!" -- Emo Phillip