Related:

• A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• You can't tell me that cowboyx, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.
  It's their way of letting off stress. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off.
  You see, we BUILD to that. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship?
  It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it....
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying.
  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did....
• I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?
  It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it....