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• Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling.
  It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood....
• Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike.
  The first is, we both like to spread our "stink" around....
• I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves.
  And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.
  We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul....