Related:

• I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.
  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
  Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone....
• IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!...
• IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying.
  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did....
• I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
  No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions which is freaking out....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.