Related:

• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics.
  Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?...
• I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off.
  You see, we BUILD to that. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches.
  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins....
• Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake.
  Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help....