Only Dweebs Read Books!
Originally posted annoynomously on the alt.drugs newsgroup


Responsible Fellow Travellers of A.D -

It has recently come to my attention that many of the "regulars" here
on alt.drugs have developed serious book habits. As a worker in library
automations systems, I have seen first hand the grisly damage caused the
use of books, the hollow, vacant staring eyes of the hard-core reader,
broken down in the corners of a public library; it's not pretty sight.

Statistics show that most Americans are well acquainted with the
dangers of books and wisely avoid their use, but here on alt.drugs, I've
even seen ostensibly responsible adults urging the naive and innocent
youth of our nation to indulge their lust for knowledge in the most wanton
and irresponsible manner possible, even publicly encouraging trips to
libraries, reading books at night, even periodicals and journal articles!
And never a word of warning, to advise these vulnerable youngsters of the
wickedness, the lurking danger in books. Don't you people see what
happens to "readers"? It doesn't matter what you read, even a "pamphlet",
in "reader" street jargon, can spark your interest, and once you're
interested in something, it's all over; you'll be a reader for life,
quickly moving on to heavier stuff. Eventually, you might even end up
reading Heidegger or Proust!

Unfortunately, books have thoroughly saturated the very structures of
our society. But the Bible reassures us that eventually righteousness
shall prevail, and we WILL WIN THE WAR ON READERS! For it began with the
fall from grace, when A&E ate of the "Tree of Knowledge", a clear reference
to their immoral, wrong and perverse use of books! And so shall it end,
when we return the land to righteousness, severely restrict the use of
dangerous books, and burn those particularly damaging tracts which cannot
be responsibly used by anyone!

I know the skeptical among you may be thinking, "What a hypocrite! He
works for the library industry, he admits to having read the Bible! He's
a reader himself!" And all of that is true, but the crucial difference
is that THE BIBLE IS NOT REALLY A BOOK! Yes, it has many similar
characteristics of a book, but unlike harmful books like the Hobbit and
Huck Finn (which should be banned everywhere!) the Bible is far less
likely to get you "interested". Most people read the Bible for it's
righteousness, not for it's content. With responsible use, the Bible can
be read safely without really causing interest or enlightenment. Indeed,
the Bible can hardly be characterized as a recreational book; it's very
hard to get even a giggle out of it, and most people never laugh when
reading the Bible.

Books should only be read in moderation, if at all, under the
benevolent guidance and care of the libraries. We should all look out for
one another: if you see a Reader on the street, report him to the
authorities at once; if caught early enough, some readers can be
rehabilitated and reintegrated into polite society. And if someone gives
you a book, or even suggests that you read a book, JUST SAY NO! Put it
back on the shelf, brother! And support the fight for de-literization.
This country will be much safer and tidier when we've finally rounded up
all the book dealers and thrown them in jail and seized their illicit
private stashes of books! Remember, ONLY DWEEBS READ BOOKS!

- Standing Aboveus

Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet