Vowels to Bosnia

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to be First Recipients



Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn
region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American
history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters
A,E,I,O,U, and Y, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian words more
pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr
and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,"
Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say,
'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in
their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this
noble endeavor."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department,
is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv
and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes,
each carrying more than 500 boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air
Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.
"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44,
said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is
understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr Clinton, please send my poor,
wretched family just one 'E'."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I
could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States
will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping
thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are
expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500
Canadian "U's." Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but
declined.

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. " Vowels are
crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam
Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word,
much less organize a coherent sentence."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to
construct such valuable sentences as "The potatoes are ready," "I
believe it will rain," "My house was bombed last week," and "Let's go
kill Serbs."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign
country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped
92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae,
and Aao with vital, lifegiving supplies of L's, S's, and T's. The
consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the
letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.