The Top Ten Signs that You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with
pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely
lined up in razor sharp rows.
9. The telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your
split-level, right down to the fallen over licorice downspout and the stuck
half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal
and saffron demi-glace', with pecan crusted hearts of palm and delicate
mint- fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the
bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in your house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster
fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in
every orifice.
And the Number One Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while hen leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump -5
When she points out a hot-looking woman and asks if you think
she's pretty, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as pretty as you" +1
When she points to a woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say,
"Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" -6
That woman is her sister -90
You have one drink, and that's it 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle....
