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• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.
  Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful....
• People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
  What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair....
• Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.
  And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?...
• It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see.
  I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons....
• I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...