Related:

• You know something that would really make me applaud?
  A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis!...
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad?
  Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?...
• If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them....
• If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...