Related:

• Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder.
  But not any man is capable of being a good camper....
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
  Also, he has severe diarrhea. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.
  That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.
  Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day....
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying.
  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did....
• If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...