Related:

• They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher.
  I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way....
• My first psychiatrist said I was paranoid, but I want a second opinion because I think he's out to get me.
  -- Tom Wilson ("Ziggy")...
• One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building.
  .. I turned it... and the whole building started up....
• When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving.
  He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wrigh...
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.
  Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb....
• In the Plaza Hotel once, when I was doing the quiz show, there was a priest in the elevator.
  I hope you're not offended by this--I'd tell a story about a rabbi but it doesn't fit, and neither did the rabbi and they finally threw him out of the synagogue....
• I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Maso
• Last year I entered the LA marathon. I finished last.
  It was embarrassing. And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me....