Related:

• Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa!
  Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa!
  Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in....
• TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
  Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone....
• I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out warehouse.
  Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke....
• I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect.
  I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.