Lost Tribe Discovered in Jungle


LOS ANGELES - A team of Japanese anthropologists recently discovered a lost
tribe of primitive accountants in the Indian Jungle. The anthropologists
were there searching for the ancient elephant kingdom of Babar when they
were attacked by a group of the accountants.

The tribesmen attempted to rob the anthropologists after beating them with
crude satchels. The Japanese scientists escaped financial ruin when their
leader, Sushi Haritosis, produced a pocket calculator. The primitive
tribesmen believed Haritosis to be a Special Accountant sent from below and
they proceeded to worship him.

The anthropologists were taken to the tribe's village which consisted of
several straw structures resembling townhouse condominiums and a crude high
rise hut that served as their temple. The Japanese scientists were
delighted to find this unknown tribe and stayed at the village for two
weeks to observe the tribe's customs and daily rituals.

Each morning, the men of the tribe would don a strip of cloth tied around
their necks and, carrying a crude satchel made from animal hide, congregate
at the high rise temple. The primitive accountants, who worship gold, sit
around a large table and babble for several hours while eating a hard
circular biscuit resembling a doughnut and drinking a brown bitter tasting
beverage.

Every afternoon, the men pull out bags of gold from a pit guarded by wild
hogs. Each day the tribesmen count the pieces of gold, record the number
on the dried leaves they carry in their satchels, and then compare the
figure with the number they had recorded the previous day.

The women of the tribe wore blond wigs and jewelry made from large pieces
of quartz. They spent most of the day gathering, cleaning, and
complaining. Despite the tribes outwardly orderly and routine lives, its
members often engaged in bizarre and destructive behavior. The Japanese
anthropologists were not surprised when it was discovered that the
tribesmen often ate their own offspring.

The leaders of the tribe were chosen on the basis of who was the most
obnoxious, overbearing, and greedy. The most obnoxious men were paired
with the females who collected the largest pieces of quartz, wove the
largest blond wigs, and complained the most. These women wore extremely
excessive amounts of makeup, while the other women of the tribe wore only
moderately excessive amounts of makeup.

The leader of the tribe, Burntstem (apparently named after the crude
pencils made from the burnt stem of the tobacco plant and used in their
accounting rituals), and his wife, Myna, rode around the village in an
ornate cart pulled by wild pigs. They were the only ones who owned such a
cart and the other members of the tribe considered it to be a great honor
to be given a ride in the cart.

The tribesmen honored the anthropologists with a feast of salted fish and
sweet grape wine at the end of their stay. Sushi Haritosis presented
Burntstem with his prized pocket calculator, and Burntstem gave the
Japanese scientists a bag of gold. When the anthropologists returned to
Los Angeles, precious metals experts at Big Ed's Wayside Flea Market
determined that the gold was actually pyrite.