A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"


"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.


Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really surehow it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.


Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able t! o deliver.


Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.


Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.


Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.


Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.


Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.


Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"


"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"


"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Subject: The 3-minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife
is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in atowel and runs
downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,the
next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands
her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who
was
that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she
replies. "Great!" the
husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be
in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

==========================================================


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly
had an
accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest
removed
his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek - further up, you will
find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a profitable
opportunity.

===========================================================


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it
and a
Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."


"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in
the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! She's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

==========================================================


Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit
like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting
very, very high up.

==========================================================


Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied bull,
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him
out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep
you there.

=========================================================

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him
out! He lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat
heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the
cat discovered the birdunder the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him
out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's smart to keep
your mouth shut!

Thus, ends the 3-minute management course. Now go
forth and succeed!!!!!

ATM Charges
by Melvin Durai


Withdrawing money from the bank used to be so convenient. You could
visit a money machine almost anywhere. Without paying a cent, you
could get enough cash to buy a television or put a large down payment
on some basketball shoes.

But a couple of years ago some banks started charging a fee. If you didn't
have an account with them, you had to pay at least a dollar to withdraw
money at their ATM (Automated Theft Machine).

Other banks followed suit and now the majority charge a fee. Some even
charge as much as $3, more than most of us save in a year. That's a
steep fee, especially when you're trying to withdraw $5.

To their credit, banks have tried to make ATMs much safer for us. They've
installed bright lights and security cameras. They don't want anyone else
robbing us.

Some lawmakers, bless their hearts, are trying to put a limit on the
surcharges. They don't want bankers to get carried away and use ATMs
to pay for their BMWs. They don't want the ATMs to display this message:
"Please withdraw only half as much as you can afford, because we're
taking the other half."

Banks say they have to charge a fee because ATMs are expensive. They
cost as much as $80,000 and that doesn't even include the money inside.
It would be cheaper to put a human in a box. But there's probably a law
against that. And humans, unlike machines, are prone to make mistakes
and they're also prone to run to Mexico with the money.

The surcharge also allows banks to install ATMs in many convenient
places, such as parks, plazas and prisons. They especially want ATMs
in places like casinos, where people are so desperate for money, they're
willing to trade their spouses.

But in their haste to make ATMs more convenient, banks have made
them less convenient for people like me. I'd rather have one free ATM in
my neighborhood than a dozen that want to swindle me. A couple of
dollars may not seem like much to a banker, but to me it means a feast
at Taco Bell.

Besides, it's against my principles to pay a bank to give me MY money.
I just won't do it, unless I'm stuck somewhere with no money, no Visa
and no mother.

What irks many people, including me, is that we got used to free ATMs
over many years. Banks got us hooked to them and then decided to
reel in our money.

For some reason, in the 1970s and '80s, bankers didn't complain much
about the cost of installing ATMs. Perhaps they were too busy explaining
to shareholders how the machines would replace tellers and save money.

At the unveiling of the first ATM, a banker probably said, "Here's a
revolutionary machine that dispenses cash without wasting time on chitchat
and without requiring minimum wage. It has no bad habits like smoking,
swearing or asking for raises. It cannot be threatened with a gun and will
never sue us for discrimination. One day, this machine will be able to greet
people through the video display, process their transactions quickly and
take them to the cleaners."

Monday ------

8:05 A.M. User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12 A.M. Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14 A.M. User from 805 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 A.M. Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 A.M. Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 P.M. Lunch

3:30 P.M. Return from lunch.

3:55 P.M. Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason.

Return to napping.

4:23 P.M. Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 P.M. Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday -------

8:30 A.M. Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 A.M. Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 A.M. Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form.
Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 A.M. Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 A.M. Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 P.M. Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 P.M. Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 P.M. Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 P.M. Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 P.M. Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 P.M. Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday ---------

8:30 A.M. Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10 A.M. Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00 A.M meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 A.M. Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 A.M. Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 A.M. Lunch.

4:55 P.M. Return from lunch.

5:00 P.M. Shift change; Going home.

Thursday --------

8:00 A.M. New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids," I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 A.M. New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 A.M. Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids," Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 A.M. Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 A.M. Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01 "Whereas a new employee beginning work on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!).
"Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 P.M. Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 P.M. Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 P.M. Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday ------

8:00 A.M. Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 A.M. Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 A.M. Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 A.M. Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 A.M. Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 A.M. E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 A.M. Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 A.M. Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 A.M. Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 A.M. Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff," I tell him.

12:00 A.M. Lunch.

1:00 P.M. Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03 P.M. Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 P.M. Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 P.M. appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 P.M. New user calls. Says they want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 P.M. Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 P.M. Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 P.M. Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 P.M. User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 P.M. Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 P.M. Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 P.M. Night shift shows up. Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.

Lost Tribe Discovered in Jungle


LOS ANGELES - A team of Japanese anthropologists recently discovered a lost
tribe of primitive accountants in the Indian Jungle. The anthropologists
were there searching for the ancient elephant kingdom of Babar when they
were attacked by a group of the accountants.

The tribesmen attempted to rob the anthropologists after beating them with
crude satchels. The Japanese scientists escaped financial ruin when their
leader, Sushi Haritosis, produced a pocket calculator. The primitive
tribesmen believed Haritosis to be a Special Accountant sent from below and
they proceeded to worship him.

The anthropologists were taken to the tribe's village which consisted of
several straw structures resembling townhouse condominiums and a crude high
rise hut that served as their temple. The Japanese scientists were
delighted to find this unknown tribe and stayed at the village for two
weeks to observe the tribe's customs and daily rituals.

Each morning, the men of the tribe would don a strip of cloth tied around
their necks and, carrying a crude satchel made from animal hide, congregate
at the high rise temple. The primitive accountants, who worship gold, sit
around a large table and babble for several hours while eating a hard
circular biscuit resembling a doughnut and drinking a brown bitter tasting
beverage.

Every afternoon, the men pull out bags of gold from a pit guarded by wild
hogs. Each day the tribesmen count the pieces of gold, record the number
on the dried leaves they carry in their satchels, and then compare the
figure with the number they had recorded the previous day.

The women of the tribe wore blond wigs and jewelry made from large pieces
of quartz. They spent most of the day gathering, cleaning, and
complaining. Despite the tribes outwardly orderly and routine lives, its
members often engaged in bizarre and destructive behavior. The Japanese
anthropologists were not surprised when it was discovered that the
tribesmen often ate their own offspring.

The leaders of the tribe were chosen on the basis of who was the most
obnoxious, overbearing, and greedy. The most obnoxious men were paired
with the females who collected the largest pieces of quartz, wove the
largest blond wigs, and complained the most. These women wore extremely
excessive amounts of makeup, while the other women of the tribe wore only
moderately excessive amounts of makeup.

The leader of the tribe, Burntstem (apparently named after the crude
pencils made from the burnt stem of the tobacco plant and used in their
accounting rituals), and his wife, Myna, rode around the village in an
ornate cart pulled by wild pigs. They were the only ones who owned such a
cart and the other members of the tribe considered it to be a great honor
to be given a ride in the cart.

The tribesmen honored the anthropologists with a feast of salted fish and
sweet grape wine at the end of their stay. Sushi Haritosis presented
Burntstem with his prized pocket calculator, and Burntstem gave the
Japanese scientists a bag of gold. When the anthropologists returned to
Los Angeles, precious metals experts at Big Ed's Wayside Flea Market
determined that the gold was actually pyrite.

Administratum

Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element
known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no
protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero.
However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons,
ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant
vice neutrons.

Administratum has an atomic mass of 311=, since the neutron
is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are
held together by a force which involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert.
Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. One
experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is
still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one
milligramme of Administratum.

It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of
approximately six months. After this time, it does not
actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which
assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost
invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is
self-sustaining.

Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate
around large corporations, research laboratories and
government departments. It can especially be found in
recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe
that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation
and global warming.

It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be
toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any
productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Numerous attempts have been made to determine how
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.

Are You Qualified to be a Professional?

The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are
qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen
Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam. Scroll down
for the answers. The questions are not that difficult.



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door. This question tests whether you are doing simple
things in a complicated way.

Memorandum

To: All Seminar Leaders
From: Office
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines

Please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy guidelines...

Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding Seminar Leaders on travel for official business. The purpose
of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.

Transportation
--------------
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets
will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in
extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example,
a seminar is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel
to Seattle.
Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged.

Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all Seminar Leaders prior
to their departure on company business trips.

Lodging
-------
All Seminar Leaders are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends
while conducting seminars. If this is not possible, then cost-effective
alternatives should be exploited.

Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary
shelter.

Meals
-----
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It
should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition
Centers," and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional
items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.

Leaders should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of
indigenous roots, berries and any other protein sources available at their
destination(s). If restaurants must be utilized, Leaders should seek
establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be
especially valuable to Seminar Leaders during group lunches, as a single
plate can be used to feed one clever group.

Seminar Leaders are also encouraged to bring their own food while on
the road conducting seminars. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-Roni can
be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of
heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment
-------------
Entertainment while on the road is discouraged. If such extravagances
are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to
"pick up the tab." Such actions will save the company money and also
convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on
providing a good product for him," not on useless overhead frivolities which
can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful,
yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be
placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.

Miscellaneous
-------------
All Seminar Leaders are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in
our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has
already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods
which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, red
caps will be issued to all Seminar Leaders prior to departure so that they
may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such
periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to Seminar Leaders
so that sales may be made as time permits.

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!!

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires
a new CEO. He immediately declares his intention to
rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a man
leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and
he wants to let them know he means business.

The CEO walks up to the man and asks: "And how much
money do you make in a week?" The young man calmly
replies: "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO hands the man $200 in cash and screams:
"Here's a week's pay. Now get out and don't come
back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO
looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to
tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters: "He's the delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

How bad a mistake can you make on your CV? Here are some real-life examples:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Career in Law Enforcement


A salesman decided to become a policeman. Several months
later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job.

"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours
are long, but one thing I really like, is that the customer
is always wrong."

Casual Day Memos


Memo No. 1:

Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that
employees may express their diversity.


Memo No. 2:

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.
Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.


Memo No. 3:

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe,
remember image is a key to our success.


Memo No. 4:

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.


Memo No. 5:

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been
appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.


Memo No. 6:

The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing
Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee.
Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual"
versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you
have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.


Memo No. 7:

Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective
immediately.

Commuting for Beginners


In this hurly-burly world of Inter-City travel, there are few things
that warm a worker's heart more than the prospect of commuting. It is a
safe bet to place that at some time during your working lives, you will all
have to commute (in fact, the mathematicians amongst you will have been
doing this already for some time).

Commuting in its very simplest essence is a journey from home to work,
and back again. This simple description, however, does not convey the full
joy that can be had from commuting. A typical enjoyable commuting day (and
it can take a whole day just to commute) may begin as follows:

6.30am Wake up. Actually, this is totally wrong, because at that time,
you're not capable of waking up. What a pity somebody didn't tell your
alarm clock this! All that you are physically capable of doing is hitting
the snooze button.

7.05am This is the time when you typically find that it wasn't the snooze
button that you hit, but that tiny little switch that turns the alarm
mechanism off. Well, I say this is the time that you find it, but in fact
it's just the time that your alarm clock tells you. What you find out when
you switch the radio on, is that there was a power cut for half an hour,
and the time is now

7.30am The time in the morning when the bed-clothes ricochet off one wall
of the room, and lie crumpled in a heap daring you to waste enough time to
make the bed before you go out. Also the time when you discover you don't
have enough co-ordination to open your bedroom door, nor can you remember
whether said door pushes or pulls. Immediately you work this out, it is

7.40am Having spent ten minutes trying to wrestle the door back onto its
hinges, you achieve terminal velocity trying to come to terms with stairs.
Quite probably you would have broken your neck, if the ground hadn't broken
your fall. You lie dazed and stunned outside the shower, next to the
toilet. It is at this time that you make the first decision of your
working day - which to enter first. You know that should you enter the
shower first, you will spend most of your time knotting your legs as the
running water cascades off your body, already full of liquid from the night
before. So, you choose the loo. Again, this is a bad move, as you
discover when it's

7.45am You enter the shower, set it to the required temperature.
Immediately you turn the water on, scalding hot needles pierce the thin
fabric of your skin. Obviously you have set the shower too hot. It is now
time to play the thermodynamic equilibrium game. Can you balance the
hot/cold settings of the shower, playing against the combined enemies of
the cistern refilling, the dishwasher hot-rinsing, and the kettle being
filled? Bear in mind also that the water takes some eight to ten seconds
to register the changes you have made at the taps. It is like trying to
juggle three red hot pokers with both hands tied behind your back, and your
jaws wired together. Finally, after your refreshing shower, it's

7.55am and time for that most invigorating of activities - the early
morning shave. Firstly, don't give in to that temptation to shave your
tongue - it may feel as though it's covered in more dense fur than the
whole of David Bellamy, but just wait till you clean your teeth! (when
it'll feel as though your tongue is a cross between King Kong and a
Wrigley's chewing gum factory). Having decided that it's the external part
of the face you're going to shave, you choose your weapon. Five minutes
later, staggering from loss of blood, a female voice comes through the door
asking if it was alright to use your last razor the previous night. And
finally, the after-shave. Breathe in, grit your teeth, and throw a quarter
of the bottle in the vague direction of your chin. Done? Good, now let go
of the light fitting, and exit the bathroom.

8.10am And you finally realise that you're going to be far too late for
the train. Unless you miss breakfast. But your stomach and brain haven't
got this one sorted out yet. You try for the compromise, and it is five
minutes later that we find you sat on the bus, looking for all the world
like an advert for Kellogg's Corn Pops.

8.20am Says the platform clock, although the trains seem to be
disagreeing. A voice comes over the tannoy, and the clarity amazes you -
you can hear every word the announcer says. Hear, yes - understand, no.
What it sounds like he is saying is "The train now stoning at platten fumf
is for Lun Woo. Caw at Beran, Renpa, Newman, Women, Early, Clam Jun, Vall,
and Lun Walloon.", and all spoken with clarity of a Dalek sucking a throat
pastille. This announcement would be fine and dandy if it weren't for the
computerised tannoy man immediately following this announcement. According
to him, "The train now at platform one is for London Waterloo only. We
apologise for the delay which was caused by a squirrel waving to the driver
just outside Hampton Court." Even the excuses are randomised by British
Rail's computers nowadays.

As the train pulls up to the platform, it's time for the first two
favourite commuting games!

1) Is it my train?

Tricky one this - the best way of finding out is to play logic games
with the guard, along the lines of "If I asked the other guard, would he
say this was the train I don't want to get on?" However, the only
blue-suited demons around are up the other end of the track, trying to stop
some old lady from feeding the trains with breadcrumbs. Seasoned commuters
at this point look around them to see the reaction of everyone else. If
you see someone moving that you think you recognise, but can never remember
being introduced to them, it's probably because they catch the same train
as you. Follow them.

2) Where will my carriage stop?

Well, that all depends on what type of train it is, how good the
driver's reactions are, whether he's passed his cycling proficiency test or
not, and how shocked he was by the squirrel outside Hampton Court. Suffice
it to say that what stops opposite you will be one of the following three
things:

a) the guard's van. The guard values his privacy and is unlikely to
let you on.

b) the first class compartment. Unless you own your own company (and
preferably British Rail at that), you can forget being allowed in here. It
has stricter entry requirements than Eton - you have to put your name down
for a seat before you're conceived, and you have to do that in person.
c) the smoking compartment. 'Nuff said.

So, it's that old favourite, running up the track to find the only
non-smoking compartment with a seat in it, only to find that it's covered
in some clean, bright, new chewing gum. It is at this point that fun
enters into the entire proceedings, as we play the third game.

3) Stare 'em out.

This game has its roots in primitive psychology, and is designed to
put you completely at ease, while the rest of the compartment decide that
you're some kind of dangerous lunatic.

Choose a person at random - preferably a very attractive member of the
opposite sex, as it makes what you're about to do so much easier. Now
stare at them. After a very short while indeed, you will find them trying
to sneak surreptitious glances at you to check whether you're still
watching them. Each time they look up at you, smile at them as though
you've just noticed that they have a traffic cone on their head, but you're
being too polite to mention it. If you ever wanted to know what a person
with accute paranoia looks like, just keep watching.

Finally, before you know it, you're making an unscheduled stop.
Sirens are blaring, and somebody somewhere is frantically thumping on a
door. This doesn't mean anyone wants to get out - these are the guys with
the stretcher who want to get in. Unfortunately, the man with the
heart-attack is in first-class, who aren't going to let the ambulance men
in until they can be taught to say please properly.

Eventually, you arrive at Lun Walloon, and you start to play the
fourth game, commonly known as

4) Running the gauntlet.

As you exit the platform, various people in different costumes walk
straight towards you. The less well equipped are simply holding their
hands out and asking for the price of a cup of meths. Those who have been
in this game for several years are wearing a 'Save the Atlantic Anteater
from the Ozone Hole and Melanoma Campaign' sweatshirt, are large enough
that the print on the sweatshirt is readable, and shake their dreaded
receptacles in your face. Reluctantly you realise that you are cornered,
and you reach for your money. Along with your handkerchief, you pull out
half the Brazilian national debt, which seems to fall straight for the open
mouth of the plastic anteater the woman is carrying, and you have lost a
large proportion of your overdraft.

Finally feeling that you have done some good for the other oppressed
animals of the world, you pass down into the bowels of the earth, ready for
the magical mystery tour of some of London's oldest sewers - the
Underground.

The new ticket barriers are wonderful devices, designed to take a
piece of card imprinted with a magnetic strip, and to shred it into a
million and one brightly coloured little pieces, while shrieking violently
and persuading you to seek assistance. You persuade the blue-suited goon
that the confetti floating down the escalators cost you two hundred pounds,
and would normally accompany the photograph that makes you out to be some
kind of alien road accident.

At last you hit the down escalator. It is at this point that the full
horror of what you drank the previous night hits you - you realise what
Maurits Escher felt when he etched those woodcuts of stairs in all feasible
directions. Your mind tells you that you're standing upright, and
travelling downwards, but the liquid still sloshing around the inside of
your head convinces you that you are lying backwards (despite gravity to
the contrary), and that the escalator is travelling at right angles to
reality. Just before you fall over, the escalator reaches the bottom, and
the grills that prevent you from rolling back round with the steps lacerate
the toe of each shoe.

Once again we play the merry little game of "Where are the doors going
to stop", only on a much smaller scale, since there are no guards, no
first-class, and no smoking. This should make the tube a more hospitable
place, but instead you have to try and find the only compartment without a
seven foot-tall psychedelic gorilla with a walkman at full volume.

Finally seated, the doors close, and another crystal clear
announcement rings through the train. "Due to industrial action by the man
that spreads the fag-ends around the station, this train will not be
stopping at your station. Repeat, this train will not be stopping at your
station. Thank you." Thank you for what, that's what I'd like to know.
The train pulls out, and as you approach your station the train begins to
slow down. This is of little surprise to you, since it is you and a select
band of people who also want to get off here that have hijacked the train.

Your ticket is inspected, the lifts don't work, and you have to climb
one hundred and seventeen dangerously narrow steps, and the one thought
that keeps you going is this:

"Only another eight hours till I have to go the other way."

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room
is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging
from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries
to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with
ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the
ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be
sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.Soon, none of
the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new
monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the
ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are
doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately
begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall
upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The
newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all
the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This
includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that
he's not on the receiving end this time, participates
in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing
it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new
monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.
Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them
have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them
attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will
enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries,
without having any idea why.
"AND THAT'S HOW ANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET
ESTABLISHED".

Don't marry a computer engineer/computer expert
because this may happen.....

Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."

Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: SynSyntax Error. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found . . .

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card; I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters . . .

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.

Wife: What about you're Salary?
Husband: File in us

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture in Idaho when
suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints
out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You
have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap
about my business...."

" ... Now give me back my dog."

Corporate Astrology


Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday.
The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us
what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you
watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job
title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree
to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking
and socializing--which is pretty much what your job responsibilities
are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a
degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls
you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with
"customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are
instead content to completely control everything that happens at your
workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying, but
who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the
Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it
is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by
engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically
full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know
what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly
immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the
majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than
marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have
to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty,
cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you
can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle
Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you
are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life.
Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the
number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry
other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a
"Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab
ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your
parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could
pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT: 666.

Corporate Envelope Solution


A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him
with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a
problem you don't think you can solve," he said

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and
Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give
you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800
dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back
to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the
husband says, "did he say anything aboutthe 800 dollars he
owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure



Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She
got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her
leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand. However,he was unable to remove
his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh
is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a
bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or
you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio Holding Steady
by The Onion




WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio
held steady at 1:770 in the third fiscal quarter of 1998, the U.S.
Department of Commerce announced Tuesday.

According to the department's latest quarterly report, for every
scholarship program, literacy drive, art exhibition or tree-planting
project sponsored by U.S. corporations between July and September 1998,
there were 770 acts of covert pollution, foreign-labor exploitation,
worker-safety violations and profit-driven downsizing.

Though corporate America doubled its conspicuous good works during the
third quarter of 1998, the increase was offset by a concurrent doubling
of unethical and illegal acts, leaving the overall
philanthropy-misanthropy ratio unchanged.

The Commerce Department report cited the example of Dallas-based
oil-refining giant ITX Petroleum, which in October raised $50,000 for
the United Negro College Fund with a $400-a-plate charity ball. That
same month, oil spills from unsound ITX offshore wells contaminated
hundreds of miles of Gulf of Mexico coastline, killing millions of
sea-dwelling creatures and putting hundreds of fishermen out of work.

"The men from the American company gave everyone in my village free
measles vaccinations when the camera crews were here two summers ago,"
Mexican laborer Jorge Sanchez said. "On the other hand, their pipeline
burst last week, burning thousands of villagers alive in a lake of
flaming oil."

Though it has fluctuated over the years, the National Corporate
Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio has not dipped below the 1:600 mark since
the 1930s, when automobile tycoon Henry Ford established the Ford
Foundation, his art- and education-funding organization. During those
same years, the Ford Motor Company was profiting from trade with Nazi
Germany chemical giant and Zyklon-B poison-gas manufacturer I.G. Farben,
and publishing anti-Semitic editorials in The Dearborn Independent.

The Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio was established by the
Commerce Department in 1914. The ratio hit an early peak of 1:300 in
1920, when Standard Oil tycoon John D. Rockefeller began making a public
show of distributing dimes to children while ruthlessly crushing his
competitors, often through violent means.

In the decades since, corporate philanthropy has steadily grown, today
encompassing everything from funding AIDS research organizations to
underwriting PBS' Mystery! That growth, however, has been accompanied
by an even greater rise in misanthropy, as the corporate elite continues
to consolidate its power base and operate under fewer and fewer
constraints, abusing its power whenever profit motive dictates.

"I never miss the Environmental Media Awards," said NBC executive Carl
Unger, arriving at the annual gala awards ceremony honoring excellence
in positive media portrayals of environmental issues. "The pomp, the
glamour, the celebrities -- it's a fabulous night of black-tie opulence
that can be enjoyed without guilt." NBC's parent company, General
Electric, continues to manufacture thermonuclear weapons components,
producing profits at a staggering rate.

According to Wharton Business School professor Milton Scheidt, one
publicly donated charity dollar is the equivalent of 100,000 privately
hoarded ones. "By keeping a limited number of these 'inflated' charity
dollars in circulation at all times," Scheidt said, "corporations can
generate sympathy and public-perception 'breathing room' for
misanthropic expansion in the future."

"By tossing the occasional crumb to a worthy cause, I'm able to feel
much better about the rest of my vast fortunes," Consolidated Chemicals
CEO Patrick Farnsworth said. "The best part is, I don't actually have
to give away all that much. Where charity is concerned, a little goes a
long way."

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my
model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can
think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch,
whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace,
and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping.
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is
received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a
later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 8.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

"Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the
vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed
that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was
putting on his surgical glove -"Do you know how they make
these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with
a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand
size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands
in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right
onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big
'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over
again."

Upon hearing this explanation the woman sat stoic, not laughing the
slightest bit.

A few minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth
because she burst out laughing.

The dentist was baffled, and asked her what was so funny.

The woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they
must make condoms!"

Diary of a Federal Employee
by Steve Weiss


The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal
employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her
protection.


Dear Diary,

Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in
order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's
mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10
spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking. Then there is
the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be
immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the
two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the
Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six figure salary.

At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He
started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to
work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I
have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.

Six hours later, I went upstairs to my office, and was docked for being
late. I tried to explain to my supervisor about the security guard, and he
had me fill out a Lame Excuse for being Late form. I filled it out, and he
told me I had to mail it to him, even though he's in the office next door.

I put the form in an envelope and was about to put it in my outbox for
the mailboy to pick up, when I remembered that the mailboy would not be in
today since he had to attend the Federal Mailboy's Workshop, so I went
outside to mail it myself. As I re-entered the building, the security
guard stopped me and demanded to see my card, which I had accidentally left
upstairs. Even though he had known me for years, he made me fill out a
Lame Excuse for Thinking You Belong in this Building form, which made me
agree that if I try to steal anything, I have to donate all my organs to
the government.

As I handed him the form, I noticed a person wearing a ski mask, who was
holding a crowbar, enter the building and freely go upstairs. I asked the
security guard why he didn't stop the person, and he told me he's on a break.

I went back upstairs, only to find my supervisor waiting for me, who was
angry that I haven't done any work today. I tried to tell him why, but he
made me fill out a Lame Excuse for Not Doing Any Work Today form. After I
threw out the form, I got to work.

I was going to get to a stack of paperwork, when I noticed the many
flashing lights on my phone, I answered one of the calls, and found out
that person had been on hold since the Carter Administration. He asked me
something about a form, and he what ethnicity to check, because of his
multi-ethnic background, which was not covered on the form. I told him
that if the form doesn't mention his exact situation, then his situation
does not exist.

The next call came from someone who misplaced one of their forms, and
needed another one. I then told her to call the Office of People Who Mail
Forms to Losers Who Lose Them, and she told me that it closed because of
budgetary constraints six years ago. I told her I was not the one who
closed it, so she has no business complaining to me about it.

I was about to answer another call, but my supervisor announced that
today was Mailperson's Appreciation Day, and it was mandatory that we all
attend a three hour reception honoring mailpeople. We all went to the
designated coffee room, where we each had to pay $35 for stale danish, and
to listen to a mail-person who had been flown in (first class, I might add)
from Argentina, who discussed the mail delivery in medieval Turkish
society. I made the mistake of pointing out that in the Middle Ages,
Turkey was known as the Byzantine Empire, and I was fined $50 for
harrassing the guest speaker.

I answered two more calls, before being interrupted by my supervisor,
who told me it was mandatory for me to go to a seminar on agricultural
accounting, when I pointed out that I was not an accountant, nor did my job
even remotely involve any kind of accounting. He told me that he does not
care about a minor technicality.

After returning from the seminar, I was about to answer another call,
when my supervisor announced that it was quitting time, and like every day,
I had to fill out a So, You Think You're Going Home form that made me
promise not to try to break in later that night and steal anything, and had
me verify that I had not been deported today.

As I left, I picked up my paycheck, and used that money to buy a pack of
gum.

Differences Between Bosses and Employees


When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

Dress As An IRS Agent For Halloween


The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but
well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid
says, "I'm an IRS agent."

Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank
You.

Economic Theory of Women


I can shoot down the most basic economic theory with just one little
statement:

Why is it that the girl with the least principle draws the
most amount of interest?

There was a guy floating around in a hot air balloon that got lost. He decided to descend to about 300 feet above the ground to get his bearings.
Once there, he spotted someone on the ground and shouted down:
"Pardon me, sir. I appear to be lost. Can you tell me where I am?"
The man on the ground looked around, looked up, and then yelled back: You are in a hot air balloon about 300 feet above the round."
The man in the balloon paused for a moment, then shouted back: "You must be an engineer."
The man on the ground replied: "Yes. How did you know?"
The balloonist replied: "Well, you gave me the correct information ... but you didn't solve the problem."
Taken aback, the man on the ground shot back: "You must be a manager."
The balloonist was amazed and asked: "Yes. How did you know?"
The grounded man replied: "Well, there you are up in the air and lost but you think it's my problem."

---

Another version:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. " "You must be an engineer", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Evolution of Product Documentation


Most documentation starts as hastily scrawled notes from
sleep-deprived developers who weren't necessarily hired for their
keen communication skills. Those notes are then fleshed out by
recently graduated English majors who have spent their last four
years immersed in works of fiction. The results are then passed on
to the marketing department whose job it is to make sure that no word
or phrase will reflect unfavorably on the product ("I don't think
that the word 'Basic' properly communicates the exciting nature of
the product. Why don't we call it 'Visual Zesty?!'"). It is then
beset by lawyers who finish the job by making sure that they haven't
explicitly promised that the product will actually do anything. By
the time the documentation gets into your hands, it has been so
sanitized for your protection and generalized beyond recognition that
you usually have to go out and buy a 3rd-party manual (that was, more
likely than not, written by the same non-technical technical writer
who wrote the original documentation) in a vain attempt to get an
unbiased, unexpurgated, and unfiltered view of just how you're really
supposed to use the stuff.


-Introduction
About The "@ Novell" Series
November 3, 1998

Fight Office Boredom

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make upnicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker
and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try
to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the
fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can
catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom,
when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach,
and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

First Men in Tights and Then Men in Ties
By Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, November 20, 1998


Forget the whooping crane and the spotted owl; it is the business suit
and the spotted necktie that are being threatened with extinction in
America today.

Count me among the social bums who are glad.

I have spent my life looking in the mirror, draping a necktie -- a
decoration with no practical use -- around my shirt collar and tying it
into place. And while it is true that I look like a million bucks that
way, a million must be about what I have spent by now on suits and ties.

However, it looks like many of you will be escaping that expense in your
careers. There comes a time with any fashion. Men once wore tights.
That curse passed. Maybe suits and ties are next.

After a couple of hundred years, these formal coats and pants, made from
expensive materials, are in deep decline. And the good news is that
they aren't being replaced by tights.

We knew as early as my childhood that this day would come. Look back to
any of the comic books then that depicted the 21st century. None of
them showed men wearing conventional suits and ties. It was just
assumed that by 2000 we would move into some kind of futuristic
clothing. You get a rough idea of what was expected by looking at the
science fiction movies and television series of today. Those versions
of futuristic clothing are based pretty much on the theories that gave
rise to space-age clothing in all those old comic books. The
presumption was that, by the 21st century, business and professional
people would shed these stiff, overdecorated duds for costumes of
greater comfort.

By about now, we all would be wearing clothes made of amazingly supple
and durable synthetic material. In short, we would be wearing something
like polyester jammies.

That seemed amazing at the time because most men half a century ago
owned at least one suit and tie -- even men in blue-collar jobs.
Practically every man had something called a Sunday-go-to-meeting suit.
It was a regulation suit and tie that you used for special occasions
like weddings and funerals, even if you didn't regularly go to church.

If you went to a funeral, virtually every man in the room would be
wearing a suit and tie. Some of the suits were borrowed. Some had been
around a few decades. But the regulation get-up for special occasions
was a suit and tie.

There is a story in my family about a hired man, working on the farm for
my great-grandfather. The hired man's father died. The hired man
borrowed my great-grandfather's suit and wore it to the funeral -- and
to the Irish wake that followed.

The next day he returned the suit with the back ripped. He explained
that he was drunk and ripped the back of the suit while crawling on his
hands and knees under a barbed-wire fence. But he wore a suit to his
father's funeral. And for a few hours he looked grand.

Today, you go to a funeral or a wedding and no more than half the men in
the audience will be wearing suits and ties. In fact, the only ones so
dressed are pretty much those whose jobs require them to dress up
regularly. The rest of the members of the audience are not about to
spend the price of a new set of tires on something they wear every two
years. And I say good for them. I wouldn't want anyone coming to my
funeral wasting money on a new suit. (Actually, I wouldn't want anyone
coming to my funeral at all -- at least, not yet.)

But now we are taking the next step, moving out of the suit-and-tie era
as surely as men once left their tights behind. We probably have the
computer industry to thank for this. It was started largely by a bunch
of rumpled guys working in basements and garages. They chose the
fashion they are now imposing on the business world for comfort, not for
appearance. They began as techies talking to machines not, as in
traditional business, as young salesmen meeting the public.

So we now have the future clothing that the old science fiction comic
books predicted. But it isn't jammies made of artificial fabric. The
costume of the space age that replaces suits is plain old blue jeans and
sweaters and sweatshirts.

And somehow it is a comfort to realize that we have come all this way
into this inventive new age and we still haven't found anything better
to put on our backs than cotton from a plant and wool from a sheep.

Generation X Office Lingo


Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible

Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down
on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively

Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands

Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles

Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking
for references to one's own name

Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the
dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be
located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.

Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators
running

Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato

Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've
just made a big mistake

Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on

SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage

Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny

Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from
their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
were tourists."

Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired

Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace

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geovisit();

Healthy Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

How I Made a Fortune


It was really quite simple. I bought an apple for 5 cents, spent the
evening polishing it, and sold it the next day for 10 cents. With this
I bought two apples, spent the evening polishing them, and sold them
for 20 cents. And so it went until I had amassed $1.60. It was then
that my wife's father died and left me a million dollars.

How to Attend a Meeting



To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes
helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties.
Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee.
What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or
"lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and
do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will
require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
* Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
* Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily
No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where
the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take
phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a
position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a
single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those
days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who
had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and
basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an
antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some
brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!"
It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle,
so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced
anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed
that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of
their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not
stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born.
It never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a
funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are
wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The
major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also,
nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting
later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead,"
you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects
and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly
from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of
the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:
* Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day
is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of
managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday.
You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account
for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down
numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of
meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school,
with everyone getting to say something, the difference being
that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.
* When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on
whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem
pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever
you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't,
you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for
everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running
the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on
what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand."
You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes.
But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how
they do it in Japan.
* Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier,
because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes
the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of
pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to
do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate
fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw
it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which
case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right
hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?"
Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it
will plague Norm for the rest of his career).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your
"input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is,
they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be
stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape
from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way
is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce
that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the
president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other.
It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from
the president of the company, or the Pope."

You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad.
At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an
important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look
at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is
revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking
rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles).

If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like
this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the
room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street,
and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then
have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky.
However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your
sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they
should file quietly out of the room.

12 Tips from Employees to their Managers on How to Enhance
the Relationship


1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that
could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them
down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer
to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

If you ever have a difficult situation to manage, you might consider the
approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.
Indeed, an award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be
on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out". The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without
hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.If anyone can
help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** You!" Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
get in line for that, too."

How to Interpret a Job Ad


"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION":
You'll be making under $6 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY":
You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY":
There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN":
Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER":
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING":
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now
running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER":
We're can't supply you with leads. (and/or)
There's no base salary to speak of. (and/or)
You'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED":
Don't expect management to answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS":
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and
a $35 co-pay.

How to Interpret a Resume


I used to claim that I didn't write fiction. Then I started helping
people with their resumes. So this is for anyone in HR who has to read
the darned things.

Term: What it really means:

Bright Wears lots of yellow and red (usually together)

Intelligent Got a gold star for spelling in first grade

Computer-literate Knows the difference between a mouse and a terminal

Great communicator Fired from his last job for telling the boss exactly
what he thought of him

Detail-oriented Will spend eight hours perfecting a 2-minute job


Sees the big picture Hasn't got a clue about how to do the work required
to get to the big picture

Prompt First one out the door at quitting time

Hard working For at least at ten minutes a day

Conscientious Knows EXACTLY how much sick time and holiday time
he has left

Friendly Watch out for attractive members of your staff

Honest Gossips

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace


Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is a different gender than
you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only
by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry
I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're
doing.For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your
shoes since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have
time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the
meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be
"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" or
"12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they
want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward
the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and
snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your
snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc...
in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none...
Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be
faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

How Not To Get A Job

Vice presidents and Personnel Directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees:

• A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
• Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
• Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
• Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• Candidate brought large dog to interview.
• Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
• Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates:

• "What is it that you people do at this company?"
• "What is the company motto?"
• "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
• "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
• "Why do you want references?"
• "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
• "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
• "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
• "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
• "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
• "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
• "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
• "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
• "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process:

• "I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
• "At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
• "I feel uneasy indoors."
• "Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
• "Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
• "I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
• "I get excited very easily."
• "Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
• "I am fascinated by fire."
• "I like tall women."
• "Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
• "People are always watching me."
• "If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
• "Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
• "I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
• "I never get hungry."
• "I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
• "If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
• "I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
• "My legs are really hairy."
• "I think I'm going to throw up."

---

These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)

• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
• "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: none. I've left a path of descruction behind me."

How to Recognize a Company Car


1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.

2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.

5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to
be checked nearly so often.

6. They have a much tighter turning radius.

7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.

8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.

9. They do not have to be garaged at night.

10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning
light on.

11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.

12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow
concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.

13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the
car is still in forward motion.

14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over
curbs.

15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by
the adjustment of the radio volume control.

16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked,
with the keys in the ignition.

How to Send Good Bulls


Welcome to Teach Yourself Bulletin-Writing! Here are some simple rules to
help you in the gentle art of bulletin-writing.


TITLE/SUBJECT
-------------
This is very important, as it is the first thing that users will see of your
bulletin. Titles like "PLEASE READ" or "URGENT MESSAGE" are ideal, though
something like "A345/23 D cct wanted" is also quite acceptable. On no
account give any clear indication as to what the bulletin is actually about.
Appeal to people's curiosity; after all, they've got all day to browse
through the bulletins!

Alternatively, you can mention someone's callsign in the title, but in a way
which implies that you are insulting them even if you aren't.


LETTER CASE
-----------
always type in lower case, and do not use any capitals anywhere in a
sentence, (not even at the beginning), as this looks inconsistent and
untidy. abbreviations like rsgb, dti, pc etc. look much nicer in lower case.

ALTERNATIVELY, USE UPPER CASE THROUGHOUT, AS THIS CAN GIVE THE IMPRESSION
YOU ARE SHOUTING, SO WILL HAVE MORE IMPACT!


PUNCTUATION
-----------
Do not litter your bulletin with messy punctuation but just let the prose
flow without any cumbersome and unnecessary interruption there is also the
added benefit that the person reading the bull will be totally unable to
pause for breath and so will continue to read going more and more purple in
the face until they foam at the mouth and fall over backwards which you
might enjoy if you dont like them


WORD WRAP
---------
Do avoid the temptation to neatly wrap text around at the end of the line;
just carry on typing without pressing «Return». The other guy won't mind
downloading your bulletin into a text editor or word processor so he can then
set the linelength to 77
characters or something like that. After all, what's the use in having all
these fancy bits of software if you can't use them?


LINE LENGTH
-----------
A exception to this rule applies if
you have one of these extra special
superior terminals or micros with a
40-column display.



Then, the trick is to start a new
line every 37 characters or so, and
make up for it by leaving plenty
of space between paragraphs.



Short paragraphs are also pleasing.



Especially with no verbs.



This won't cause any problems for
anyone wanting to print your
bulletin on a printer; all they've
got to do is load it into a word
processor and set it into two
columns - easy!

If you want to really show off your skills, why not try and combination of
word wrap and short line lengths,
to give a very appealing look
which people will find really interesting to look at. This takes some
practice, so don't try this until
you've got really accomplished
at some of the other effects.


LINE SPACING
------------
A nice little trick is to use double-line spacing on all your text so that

there is plenty of room for the reader to add notes of their own after

printing it out. Don't worry about it taking up more paper, as the other guy

can always turn it round and use both sides - no problem.


SPELLING
--------
This is verry inpotant indede, as allthogh most peeple make quiet a lot off
speling misteaks, specally when typin 'live', it takes reel feeness to make
a poper job off it and spel at leest fife words rong inn ever sentenc. No
one wil mind, and in fakt most peeple enjoy figyurin out wot the wordz where
supposed too be in the ferst plaice.


GRAMMAR
-------
Well this is a tricky one really. To boldly split infinitives is a good
idea. And to start a sentence with a conjunction is too. Sentences also look
better. With no verbs. Messing with the order word about also nice looks. It
isn't terribly unlike a good idea to use double-negatives and things of that
nature.


CONTENT
-------
No hard and fast rules here. However, it helps if you type your bulletin
very last at night, when you are tired and irritable, or when you've
staggered home from the pub after drinking eleventeen pints of fizzy lager.
Don't bother to verify any information, but shoot from the hip and tell all
those wallies what you think of them - you're entitled to your opinion
aren't you? They're always having a go at you, and if there's one thing you
can't stand, it's intolerance!


EQUIPMENT
---------
A 40-column monitor or an old TV with a fuzzy picture will do nicely. In
most cases using a word-processor is a no-no, as it tends to prevent you
achieving most of the wonderful effects I have demonstrated. Also, it's
better to type 'live' so that the text soon scrolls off the screen, and you
forget what you said earlier in the bull. It comes across as being more
natural and spontaneous this way.
===========================================================================

Well, I hope that gives you a few ideas for your own bulletins. You rarely
see many of these techniques used together, though most of us use one or two
of them, such as bad spelling. However, you do occasionally come across
bulletins which employ many or even most of these techniques, and if you
come across one you will truly be in the presence of genius!

Human Resources Guidebook


What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the
problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for
ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them
in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two
hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and
see what they are doing.

* If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in
Engineering.

* If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to
Finance.

* If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to
Manufacturing.

* If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for
them.

* If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

* If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

* If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
Security.

* If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to
Marketing.

* And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

I was having trouble with my computer, so I
called the computer guy over to my desk. He
clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem. As he was walking away, I called
after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

"What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to
fix it again?"

He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID
Ten T Error?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll
figure it out."

I wrote: I D 1 0 T

Job Interview


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And
what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a
year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of
salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a
red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you
kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Interview Tips



We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of
those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails.
Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the
don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job
applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel
executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of
unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would
prove that the company's management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the
same time.

7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few
minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was
qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fries in the interviewer's office.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the
middle of the interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice
president.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the
corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
interview questions.

15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the
police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing
around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of
by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he
collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the
offer was formal.

22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy
of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at
the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief
case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave
for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His
side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I
start? What's the salary?" I said, "l assume you're not interested
in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am
as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out
there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other
shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

27. His attache' opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled,
revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area.
He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require
indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and
dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the
shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a
day, and this was the time.

30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment
office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When
I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone
number. I called security.

33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about
the job, like nothing had happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he
was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state
why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He
then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was
injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

Jobb aplication



Good daye,

I can only Type wif one finggar (middelfingar) but can sulve Solitair in 20 seconds in the Profi mode.
I dont´t worry about the telefone because I talk to my frends on it for about 5 howers a daye.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secretairy but it musent be to complicaited.
I ave a small problem from wen I was born (I ave a funnye culor hair), so you can pai me less if you tink that I am good for the jobb.

Thak you in advancie for yore answer.

Yore best aplicant so farr



BS : Because my resime is a bit short below is a picksure of me taken at my last jobb.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy
night. You pass by
a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,
knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car. Think
before you continue
reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once
actually used as part of
a job application.


You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus
you should save her first; or you could take the old
friend because he
once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him
back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect
dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 2000 applicants)
had no trouble
coming up with an answer.


WHAT DID HE SAY?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old friend, and
let him take the lady to the hospital. And I would
stay behind and
wait for
the
bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up
our stubborn thought
limitations. (KEEP READING...)

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady
over and put her
out of her misery, shag the perfect partner against
the bus stop and
drive off
for
a beer with the old friend.

Journalists and the Stock Market



Perhaps you wonder how come we here in the news media always make
such a big deal about the Stock Market. The answer is simple: We
don't understand it. We have an old saying in journalism: "If you
don't understand something, it must be important."

This is also why we media people get so excited about science. In
our scientific educations, we got as far as the part in biology class
where they gave us a razor and a dead frog, and told us to find the
pancreas. Right then we started thinking two words, and those words
were: "English major."

So we quit studying science, which is why we do not begin to
understand -- to pick one of many examples -- how electricity works.
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company
keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it
travels inside wires. We have looked long and hard at wires (some of
us have tried blowing into them) and we cannot begin to figure out
how the electrons, or amperes, or whatever, manage to squeeze through
there into the TV set, nor how, once inside, they manage to form
themselves into complex discernible images such as the Pillsbury
Doughboy.

We in the media write our stories on computers, but since computers
contain both electricity and "modems," we have no idea how they work.
If you observe us professional journalists covering a news event,
you'll see that we divide our time as follows:

-- 1 percent: Getting information.

-- 6 percent: Writing stories.

-- 93 percent: Trying to get the computer to send the story back to
the newspaper by pressing keys pretty much at random with growing
panic until we have sent our stories to some destination -- possibly
the Kremlin; possibly the radio room of the Titanic -- but not to our
newspapers. Then we call our newspapers and beg for help from the
Computer People, who are technically competent people, the kind of
people who always found the frog pancreas; they understand "modems,"
and whatever they tell us to do to our computers, including wave a
Magic Bone over the keyboard, we do it.

We in the media are especially impressed with space. We cannot
comprehend how anybody could get a rocket to land on another planet;
many of us cannot consistently parallel park. This is why we got so
excited about the recent Pathfinder mission, which day after day
resulted in excited front-page headlines like:

ROCK FOUND ON MARS!

And:

ANOTHER ROCK FOUND ON MARS!

And:

MARS APPARENTLY COVERED WITH ROCKS!

We in the media believe that the Mars rocks are important because
scientists tell us so. We will cheerfully print, without question,
pretty much anything that scientists tell us about space ("STANFORD
-- Scientists here announced today that, using a powerful new type of
telescope that uses amperes connected to a 'modem,' they have located
six previously unknown galaxies shaped like all the major characters
on Gilligan's Island except Ginger").

My point is that this same principle applies to media coverage of the
Stock Market. We in the media, as a rule, are not good with
financial matters. Some veteran journalists have not yet turned in
their expense accounts for the Civil War. So as a group, we don't
really have a solid handle on (1) What the Stock Market is; (2) Why
it goes up and down; (3) Which is good, "Bull" or "Bear"; (4) Whether
"points" means the same thing as "dollars," and if so, why the heck
don't they just call them "dollars"; (5) Who "Alan Greenspan" is; and
(6) Whether he is the same as "Dow Jones."

Because we don't understand these things, we have naturally concluded
that the Stock Market is extremely important, and whenever it does
anything, we write front-page stories filled with quotes from
financial experts. But I suspect that these experts sometimes like
to yank the media's chain. Consider the following quotation, which
actually appeared in a Washington Post story back in August
explaining why the Stock Market went down:

"'For Coke, an icon of the market, to show feet of clay is
upsetting,' said Barton Biggs, global equity strategist at Morgan
Stanley, Dean Witter, Discover & Co."

I have read this sentence at least 35 times, and every time I have
more questions, including:

-- What kind of job is "global equity strategist"?

-- What kind of name is "Barton Biggs"?

-- Since when does Coke have feet?

These are just some of the issues that lead me to believe that if we
were to call "Morgan Stanley, Dean Witter, Discover & Co.," we would
find ourselves talking to the very same scientists who are always
"discovering" new galaxies and showing us pictures of "Mars rocks."
That's right: I think that science AND the Stock Market could be
part of some giant hoax, and I intend to transmit this information to
the newspaper, just as soon as I can locate the Magic Bone.

Why small town lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do.
I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted,
and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.

Lawyer: "Sir, did you actually see the accident?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

Witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

Lawyer: "How do you know it was exactly that distance?"

Witness: "Because when the accident happened, I took out a tape
and measured it. I knew some stupid fucking lawyer would ask me
that question."

To whom it may concern:

While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.

Sd/-
Branch Manager


PS: MR. MURTHY WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS REPORT EARLIER TODAY.
KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS
Sd/-
Branch Manager

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.


2) Construction manager is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.


3) Controls manager is one who asks if the baby is in the budget (and if it saves money to adopt).


4) Project Engineer is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.


5) Section engineer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.


6) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.


7) Engineering division is still figuring out how to produce a baby.


8) Procurement Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.


9) DCG Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.


10) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.


11) Site Engineers don.t care...they just want the woman!!!

Management : 8 Monkeys ... .. really very interesting
(This is based on an actual experiment conducted in U.K.)

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging
from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them
miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be
sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.
Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the
ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins
to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all
the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's
not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.
However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have
ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically
beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

This is how any company's policies get established.

Received from Michael Rosett on Wed, 14 Dec 2005 10:50:51 -0800

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee..... On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and hung up.

Marketing Strategies


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.



You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.



You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a
drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich.."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback !!!!!

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, It's an accident...
If a doctor makes a mistake, It's an operation...
If an engineer makes a mistake, It's a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake, It's a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, It's a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, It's a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, It's a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake , It's a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, It's our mistake...
If an employee makes a mistake, It's a "MISTAKE"!!!

Money




* All my life I've considered myself fortunate not to have any
money problems. Lack of money problems -- yes, tons of those.
- - - - -
* I always try to save my money. Who knows, maybe it'll become
valuable again someday.
- - - - -
* Budgets aren't really that tricky a deal. When ya get right down
to it, they're just a systematic way of living beyond your means.
- - - - -
* The US Government says that the life of a twenty dollar bill is
about 6 months. What I'm trying to do is find out where these
things go to die and strike it rich.

Mr. Rogers in the Nuclear Neighborhood


New York Times Dec 11, 1984

By KAREN E. HENDERSON
Newhouse News Service

CLEVELAND - The strains of Mister Rogers' neighborly theme song no
longer linger on the airwaves at the Perry nuclear power plant, but
anonymous signs on plant bulletin boards assure workers that Rogers is
not dead.
He has only been fired.
Promptly at 7:30 a.m. every day for three months, plant workers
would hear Mister Rogers' reassuring voice crooning over the public
address system: ''It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. ... Won't
you be my neighbor?''
Last Wednesday, Mister Rogers sang for the last time at the
Cleveland plant. Security guards, who had been trying to catch the
culprit who had been playing the Rogers' tape, swooped down a flight
of stairs and caught electrician Larry Nudelman in the act of trying
to cheer people up.
Officials of Cleveland Electric Illuminating Co. (CEI) weren't
laughing.
They were especially irked when Mister Rogers came on the air
precisely at 7:30 a.m. two weeks ago when CEI was running a mock
disaster drill at the plant which was overseen by officials of the
Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Federal Emergency Management
Agency.
Shortly after the theme was played, a CEI official came on the
system and informed workers a test was in progress, and the public
address system was not to be used for unauthorized business.
Nudelman says he believes that was what really got the utility
angry.
Nudelman, 38, of Highland Heights, Ohio, says they took his tape
recorder and tape. They told him to go back to work, but he was fired
from his job with L.K Comstock Inc. two hours later.
Nudelman says he started playing the 50-second tape to cheer
people up and help them get started.
''A lot of guys drive 45 minutes to get to work,'' he says. ''They
feel like they've already worked half a day by the time they get
there. ... It brought a little bit of something to everyone's day. I
had only planned to do it for a week or so, but I'd hear people talk
about it. And nobody said it was wrong or to stop doing it.'' If they
had, he said, he would have stopped.
''Some days it would be raining hard, and Mister Rogers would come
on and say it was a beautiful day,'' says Nudelman. ''Then somebody
would get on the public address system and say that Mister Rogers was
blind.'' It was good for a laugh, he adds.
Officials of Comstock could not be reached for comment.
CEI spokesman Glenn Heffner says Nudelman was fired for
unauthorized use of the public address system. ''The system is
specifically for emergencies and plant business,'' he says.
Nudelman says it has been used by workers in the past. ''Last
Christmas, I guess they had a dog barking Christmas carols,'' he says.
The system is easily accessible, with phones all over the plant.
Security personnel began trying to isolate the area in the plant from
which the Rogers message was being sent.
Nudelman says the day he was caught, guards apparently had been
stationed near many phones.
Although Nudelman says he believes getting fired was too harsh a
punishment, he does not plan to fight it. It is the first time he has
been fired in 20 years, he says, but he is working at a construction
site in Cleveland.
''I won't play Mister Rogers over there, but we do have a radio
going all the time,'' he says.
Though Mister Rogers is gone, the broadcasts are not forgotten. A
notice on a plant bulletin board offered a $1,000 reward for the
capture of the security guards - referred to on the notice as
''gestapo agents'' - who did away with Mister Rogers.

Net Snoop
by Joe Lavin -- http://joelavin.com


"As computers and the Internet grow more prevalent, employers
increasingly are using software to monitor workers' computer use.
Employers say such surveillance is needed to cut down on-line loafing,
to protect companies from potentially illegal or improper computer
activities by workers, and even just to determine whether there is any
problem of computer misuse." -- The Boston Globe


To: All Staff
From: Charles Endicott

As many of you are aware, we have recently installed a new Net Snoop
computer monitoring system to help us track employee Internet use. I
want to assure you that we are using Net Snoop only to increase our
productivity. While the system does allow me to view what is on your
computer screen at all times, this in no way should be viewed as an
invasion of privacy. It is merely an attempt to make our family here at
Warburton's more successful than ever.

To: Melissa March
From: Charles Endicott

Congratulations on your recent Minesweeper score of 163. That is very
impressive indeed. However, while conducting a test of our new Net
Snoop system, I did notice that you might be playing too much
Minesweeper at work. In fact, yesterday you played all day, with only a
break for lunch and another break in which to write a short e-mail to
Raoul in Accounting entitled "Thanks for last night, STUD!!!" An
occasional game of Minesweeper is fine, but it would be best to play
only during your break time. Thank you.

To: Max Travis
From: Charles Endicott

It was a delight meeting your son yesterday. However, I did notice that
while you were at a meeting, he surfed to some very frightening web
sites. One was for a singer called Marilyn Manson and was, I must say,
deeply unsettling. I don't mean to accuse you of bad parenting; I just
thought I should inform you so that you may take the appropriate
disciplinary action.

To: George Pedersen
From: Charles Endicott

While it is impressive that you have been able to download almost the
entire Pamela Anderson video collection, I feel that this action is not at
all appropriate in the workplace. From now on, Pedersen, please refrain
from using company computers to view pornographic materials. Thank
you.

To Raoul Westerburg
From: Charles Endicott

It seems that your excessive online chatting may be a problem. Many of
your messages seem quite racy for the office setting, and I think it is
important that everyone remains fully clothed at all times during the
workday. Also, from a review of your e-mail, it is apparent that you are
involved romantically with at least three women and possibly one man in
our office. There is no policy against this, but I do think it is important
that something like this does not get out of hand. We certainly do not
want this office to turn into a soap opera, and I hope that this can all be
resolved without a scene.

To: George Pedersen
From: Charles Endicott

Pedersen, I believe I have already warned you against viewing offensive
materials. This extends to the use of e-mail as well. I must say that your
latest e-mail joke about the cow was not at all amusing and in fact deeply
disturbing. As you should know, such an activity can be quite painful
for a cow, and I do not believe it is right for us to laugh at its misfortune.
Furthermore, sending this out to a large number of people from a
Warburton's e-mail address is completely unacceptable. I hope this will
not happen again.

To: Melissa March
From: Charles Endicott

Through Net Snoop, I was able to read several chapter of the new novel
you are writing at work. I was very impressed, but I also feel that it would
be best if you could refrain from writing this during work hours. Chapter
Three, "Why Raoul is a two timing creep who deserves to die" was
especially well written, though I am a little hurt by Chapter Six, "My boss
is a big fat nosy bastard." If you are at all unhappy, I hope you will stop
by my office so that we can discuss it. My door is always open.

To: All Staff
From: Samuel Warburton

It is with great regret that I have asked for the resignation of Charles
Endicott. He was in the past a very effective manager, but, since the
introduction of our Net Snoop system, Charles has been greatly
neglecting his work. During the last several weeks, he has not been
performing his normal tasks at all; instead, he has merely been sitting in
his office all day spying on other employees. I have decided it would be
best to look for a replacement. I appreciate all your hard work and I know
that we will be able to continue at our normal level of success
throughout the coming transition. Thank you.





Copyright 1999 by Joe Lavin

Attention: All Employees

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If
you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so
on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both
employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week, and thank you for your cooperation.


Management

Occupational Descriptions


An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all
the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because
that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you
had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a
coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a
"brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells
you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.

Organizational Theory:

Corporate Rowing


A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on
the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their
performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.
The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had
to be found. A "Measurement Team", made up of senior management was formed.
They would investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and I person
steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

So American Management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible
amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat
and not enough were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 4 steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also
implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the
canoe greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings,
dinners, and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment
and enrichments through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the American
Management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted the development of
a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new
equipment. Then gave a High Performance Award to the Steering Managers and
distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."

Prison Life vs a Full-Time Job


In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
that one.

In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own room.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside
bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks & unlocks, opens & closes the doors for you.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock & open doors
yourself.

In prison you have your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.
At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At work we call them managers.

Pro Complainer Shares Secrets
By Dale Hopper, Associated Press Writer


ALEXANDRIA, Va. (AP-12/26/98) -- Other people might have cried, yelled
or gone home defeated. Ellen Phillips wrote a letter.

Her husband was out of town, she was out of cash, and a grocer in
Hattiesburg, Miss., that day in 1964 wouldn't let her write a check for
diapers and food.

So Mrs. Phillips carted her infant daughter back to their house, two
blocks away, scribbled out her plea, and returned to hand it to the
manager.

The check was approved and a career was launched.

Ellen's Poison Pen Inc. now helps hundreds of others voice their wrath
through ghostwritten letters of complaint. In January, Vintage Books
will publish Mrs. Phillips' secrets in "Shocked, Appalled, and
Dismayed! How to Write Letters of Complaint That Get Results."

She advises prospective complainers to write to the top official of the
company in question and grab his or her attention in the first
sentence. For example: "I am shocked and appalled by my most recent
experience with your airline."

Next, explain the bad experience and back it up, using polite language,
with receipts and documentation, she said. And send copies to several
agencies that might help.

Then keep at it. Companies don't always buckle at the first sign of
criticism, no matter how professionally it is tailored.

"I get vicarious enjoyment from writing the letters," Mrs. Phillips said
during an interview at her home office in Alexandria. "I truly did not
think people would pay me for this."

She charges $20 per 100 words and $50 per hour for preparation. It's
money well spent, according to some of her clients.

Carol Guiles, a drama teacher in Fairfax County, is on her third
go-around with Poison Pen.

The first time, Mrs. Phillips' letter persuaded college administrators
to give Mrs. Guiles credit for courses taken at a different university,
she said.

The second time, a doctor apologized for a five-day delay getting a
call-in prescription to the drug store.

Now, Mrs. Guiles' husband is trying to convince a school district that
he did, indeed, work there from 1969-71 so he can get retirement credit.

"I thought I could handle it by phone and I was wrong," Mrs. Guiles
said. "It's nice to look at in writing. It makes you have faith in
yourself."

Mrs. Phillips, who retired in December from teaching English to junior
high school students, sees herself as a consumer crusader with no
tolerance for poor quality.

"I figured somebody somewhere has to be accountable for things," Mrs.
Phillips said. "I felt it was my responsibility as a consumer to let
them know I was not a happy camper. It was their responsibility to
rectify that."

Mrs. Phillips' life as a professional complainer developed gradually.
At first, she just did it for herself, wracking up free airline tickets
and free carpet cleanings.

Thrilled by her victories, she crowed about them at school and attracted
paying customers.

"I'm very mouthy," Mrs. Phillips said. "I never made any bones of the
fact that this is something I did when I got ticked off about a product
or service I found inferior. I never minded bragging."

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey.
Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your
refusal to offer me employment with your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and
promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not
meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with
your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you
then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

Resume Tips


Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for
dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in
the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.


THE NAME:

Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes
nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith--now that might turn a few heads.
Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker"
O'Malley is bad.


THE ADDRESS:

Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the
Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe
in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!


THE PHONE NUMBER:

Skip it. What are the odds they'll call--1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll
probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second
six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you
want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or
two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT:

Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking a
challenging IS position using state-of-theart technology in a high-growth,
future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment."
A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job
where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code
that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and
groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way
into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of
its work force so that I wind up in some noncritical, low-paying, dead-end,
back-office position."


EDUCATION:

Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school
and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application
to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they
respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "B.A.
in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993...and current
doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship
Program, MIT."


EXPERIENCE:

Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't
mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an
object-oriented commodity trading system....Everybody's done that stuff.
I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip
design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the
experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise
explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a
cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail
point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability
testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too
much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed
continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick
that one off as watching too much MTV.


THE CLOSE:

"References furnished upon request"? What kind of power-close is that? Let
me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close
with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give
me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."

Rules for Frequent Flyers


1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and
need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the
farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be
delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence
as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the
seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the
boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go
to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to
you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the
more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Rush Job Calendar


NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33


1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs
are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a job can be ordered on
the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in
every week.

3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow for
end-of-the-month panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late delivery of the
previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with non-productive
Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other
days free for uninterrupted panic.

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared
an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was
filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was
a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave
her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said,
"YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE...
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION....
AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

SmartThinker

Imagine my surprise when our manager won a "SmartThinker" award and
$250 for his policy of turning off the lights when the office was
empty, theoretically saving the company up to $20,000 a year!

However, because our technical support desk was staffed 24 hours a
day, the office was *never* empty and the lights were never turned
off.

Someday, Somehow


My shrink says "set limits, learn to say no, take time for yourself."

My boss says "mandatory overtime!"

I pay my shrink a hundred bucks and hour...

My boss pays me 25 bucks an hour...

So I work overtime and I pay the shrink...

Someday, somehow, this will all make sense...

Superior Customer Service Relations



An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled due to a mechanical
problem. As would have it, the airline left a single customer service
agent with the monumental task of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else
in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the
counter and said: "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST
CLASS!!" The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you
but I've got to help these folks first, then I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
so that the other passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea
who I am...??" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone and made the following announcement:

"May I have your attention please..." she began, her voice echoing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come
to Gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "(Expletive) YOU..!!!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.
Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no
longer angry at United.

Three Texas Surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7
fingers in an accident, I re attached them, and 8 months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and
legs in an accident, I re attached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy
who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
travailing 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's
ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."


------------------------------------------------------------------------

And another joke:

Four surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on. The
first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside
them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

But the fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable
...

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break.

The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."
Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

TV Dads: Who Brings Home How Much Bacon?
From TIME 6/21/99 p18


They give us life, we give them soap-on-a-rope. Yep, Father's Day is
here again. Brookstone, which purveys titanium ear-hair trimmers and
anti-snore nasal dilators, among other innovative gifts, commemorateed
this year by ranking sitcom pops' earning power. The company used the
most recent salary data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics and
human-resource firms to determine the yearly salaries (in 1999 dollars)
of 25 of America's TV breadwinners. The Top 5 and Bottom 5:


1. Jed Clampett (The Beverly Hillbillies); oil tycoon; $1.75 million
2. Phillip Drummond (Diff'rent Strokes); CEO; $839,000
3. Tim Taylor (Home Improvement); cable-TV-show-host; $233,000
4. Cliff Huxtable (The Cosby Show); obstetrician; $200,000
5. Jason Seaver (Growing Pains); psychiatrist; $119,000


21. Archie Bunker (All in the Family); dock foreman; $31,104
22. Andy Taylor (The Andy Griffith Show); small-town sheriff; $26,700
23. Fred Flintstone (The Flintstones); crane operator; $26,448
24. Dan Conner (Roseanne); small contractor; $17,856
25. Al Bundy (Married...with Children); shoe salesman; $15,748

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit
a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop
window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little
tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my
first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead
bodies for the last 25 years."

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I
have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company
for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,
and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to
speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on
telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing

The Afterlife


"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you
left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to
see you."

The American Dream


Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in
Japan), for 600 A.M. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking,
he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his
electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in
Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis
shoes (made in Korea).

After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in
Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in
Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in
Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his
car (made in Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a
good paying American job.

After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to
relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours
himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in
Japan), and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says,
"About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in
the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he
goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left
here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says," Your house."

A Programmer and an Electrical Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn.

He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what is the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep.

The Future of Advertising
by Joe Lavin -- http://joelavin.com


We are now at the dawn of a new information age, and as you all know
this means one thing. More damn commercials. Yes, the 21st Century
(Sponsored in part by McDonald's. Have you had your break today?) is
almost here, and as we get ready for it, we will no doubt be pummeled by
more and more advertising.

I suppose I shouldn't complain too much. I don't really hate advertising.
Usually, it's harmless, and if I don't like it, I can just ignore it. But the
future of advertising is starting to scare me.

A while back, there was a Frontline documentary on PBS about
advertising in the information age. It was quite fascinating, and I was
able to learn many things, including (1) the fact that advertisers are now
able to track many of your purchases, (2) the fact that advertisers can
use this information to target advertising to you specifically, and (3) the
fact that Holy @#$$! I was watching PBS. Wow! There really must have
been nothing good on TV.

George Orwell apparently had it wrong. Big Brother is not the
government. He's an advertising agency, and sometime around 2057
when the President of Time Warner Disney AT&T Microsoft is elected
to become the President of the United States as well, Big Brother and the
government will merge as one.

Well, maybe I'm being a tad paranoid about the future. (The Future!
Sponsored in part by Microsoft. Where do you want to go today? . . .
Oh, actually, you can't go there. You're going here instead.) But I can't
help being paranoid. Actually, the Frontline reporter was even more
paranoid than I. At one point, he asked a man from Bell Atlantic about all
this.

"So, basically, you can track any purchase I make with this new
technology?"

"Yes."

"So, in other words, if last year I were to have bought an especially
embarrassing product --"

"You mean like that Nasty Nympho Action video you bought August
23rd?"

"Um, that was a hypothetical question."

"Oh, right sorry. . . . Good flick, though. Much better than that bondage
video you rented last weekend."

"Um, could we maybe go to a commercial or something?"

"This is PBS. You don't have any."

"Oh."

Well, I paraphrase slightly, but the host was clearly troubled by the
implications of the new technology. Basically, any transaction you make
without cash has the potential to be tracked by someone somewhere.
Whereas advertisers now attempt to target people of a specific age
group or income bracket, in the future they will be increasingly able to
target you. Just you.

Companies already do this, of course. That's the whole theory behind
direct mail marketing -- not to mention all those supermarket discount
cards that are suddenly so prevalent. I once heard an interview with a
man who wrote a book about direct mail marketing. (If I were a real
journalist, this is where I would, like, tell you the name of the book or
something.) This author tracked his junk mail for a year. He even created
an imaginary pregnant woman and ordered maternity clothing for her.
Nine months later, the imaginary woman received complimentary diapers
in the mail from another company. The advertisers of the world are
watching, and in the future they will only get better.

This sounds worse than it really is. You don't have to let the powers that
be know about all your purchases, but it will no doubt become
increasingly more difficult not to play along. In the future, we will all
have to face a battle between our privacy and convenience. I suspect I
will probably choose convenience. Like everyone, I do have my
occasional indiscretions, but I really can't imagine anyone bored enough
to care about what I'm doing. I wish I led a scandalous life, but I simply
don't.

Also, I have a terrible confession to make. I rather like junk mail. If it's
boring, I just throw it away, and occasionally, such as the time when the
previous occupant was receiving a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog,
junk mail can be a fine wondrous thing.

It can also be fun. I routinely get mail addressed to The Joe Lavin
Foundation, because that's what I usually write when asked for my
company. Once, I was especially bored and wrote "Omnipotent One" for
my Title. Sure enough, a few months later, I received an advertisement
addressed to:

Joe Lavin
Omnipotent One
The Joe Lavin Foundation

Next time, I'm thinking of writing "International Love Machine" as my
title. I can't wait to read the mail I get.
_________
Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin

After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. On his last day
he walked the same routine as he did for 25 years.

When he arrived at the first house the people gave him fishing gear and
wished him happy retirement. When he arrived at the second house the people
gave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement. When he arrived at
the third house a blond lady opened the door and invited him in. They went
upstairs and had dirty sex for about two hours. She then made him breakfast
and afterwards handed him a dollar.

The postman was surprised, he asked: "Today you gave me the greatest sex I
had for years, and breakfast was nice, but what's with the dollar"?

The blond lady answered: "Last night, I was talking to my husband, I told
him that today was your last day, and asked what should we do? My husband
said: 'Fuck the postman! Just give him a dollar.' but adding breakfast was
my idea!"

The Purchase




A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer.
One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to
purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

BASIC COW...................................................... $499.95

Shipping/Handling................................................ 35.75
Extra Stomach.................................................... 79.25
Two-Tone Exterior............................................... 142.10
Produce Storage Comartment...................................... 126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper........................................ 189.60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System............................ 149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter............................................ 88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstry....................................... 179.90
Deluxe Dual Horns................................................ 59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment................................. 339.40
4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly................................... 884.16
Pre-delivery Wash and Comb....................................... 69.80
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Farmer's Suggested List Price................................. $2843.36
Additional Dealer Adjustments.................................. $300.00
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options).......................... $3143.36

The Six Phases of Every Project


1. Enthusiasm

2. Disillusionment

3. Panic

4. Search for the Guilty

5. Punishment of the Innocent

6. Praise and Honors for the Non-Participants

The Truth About Investments

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until
the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her
golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial
decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell
Broke.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take
a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds
tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed
to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells
stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works
in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being
in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this
month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to wake money on the stock
market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks
have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

It's the first day of school in Paris and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France, I was just too embarrassed to say so."

Things Noted On REAL Resumes


REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as
well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three
previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application
of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major
sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my
employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
Midwest chain operation.

Thoughts on Banking



I trust the bank with my money
Yet they don't trust me with
their pen.

Tips from Secretaries to Managers: Enhancing the Relationship


1. Whenever possible, please keep us late. We have no homes to go to
and are only too thankful to spend the evening here.

2. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weather.
Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does
us good.

3. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or
how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you
urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.

4. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice
your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can
understand what is said more distinctly.

5. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of
people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are
sure to hit the right way sooner or later.

6. Should a letter require a slight alteration after it is typed,
score the word heavily through about four times and write the correct
word beside it, preferably in ink or felt-tip pen. Always make the
alteration on the top copy.

7. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the
corrected version following, particularly when using dictating
equipment. It adds variety to our typing.

8. Hours for dictation: during the lunch hour, or any time after
4:30 p.m.

9. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write
with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows,
balloons and other diagrams.

10. Remember when asking us to place a long distance call, you must be
very fast on your feet to get out of the office before the call comes
through.

11. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's
phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other
people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you
during the day.

12. When you have given us a rush project, be sure to use your
intercom line frequently, or call us at regular intervals of 60
seconds to ask us to get minor items and to go for coffee.

13. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no
particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down
or taking messages.

14. Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We
have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.

Top 10 Ways to Get Fired


10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being
considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the
promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.

9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks,
it.doesn't mix well with thorazine."

8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit
jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your
jacket and whisper, 'I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good
quality stuff; who needs white-out?'

7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with
water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around
your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just
taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to
cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.

6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by
taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time 'planning'
your vacations.

5. Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new
Folger's Crystals.

4. Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday. when you
see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start
a weekly pool.

3. Dress like a pirate for the office halloween party. Dress like a
pirate every other day of the year as well.

2. Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The
Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the
Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points
of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.

1. Set everyone's desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.

A man runs into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

-Dr. Mark Macdonald, San Antonio, TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

-Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."


-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada



I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he
was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard
to finish the exam.

-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA



During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of
his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to
put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to
put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't
see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Packaging has since
been changed; the instructions include: 'removal of the old patch before
applying a new one'.

-Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

-Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
Noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was
a tattoo that read: "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which
said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

--Have a good day and keep out of the DR's Office..... [Ahmad]

Truth in Seminars


The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call
"Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing
with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar
lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial
approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:


LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)


Looks like that question's been answered ...

Understanding Engineers - Take one

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes !'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,
'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

Vision Problems at Work


Jack: I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death.

Elmer: What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself
to death?

Jack: I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not,
so I had to work all the time.

Vocational Vacation Spots



Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona

Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida

Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana

College Professors: University City, Missouri

Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin

Firefighters: Smokey Mountains

Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California

Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia

Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas

Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama

Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania

Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii

Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan

Lawyers: Accident, Maryland

Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska

Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California

Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York

Optometrists: Plainview, New York

Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Pianists: Florida Keys

Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah

Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas

Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky

Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado

Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland

Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia

Sailors: Marina, California

Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa

Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey

TV Evangelists: Paradise, California

Watch What You Ask For



KT&T Communications, not be confused with AT&T Communications,
has registered several new operating units in Texas.

Those companies, "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "It Doesn't Matter",
and "Whoever", charge about double the cost of some other long
distance companies for operator-assisted long distance calls, the
Associated Press says. The choice comes when the operator asks which
long distance company you want to complete your call.

"It's not deceptive at all," insists Dennis Dees, president of KT&T.
Dees won't say how many calls his new companies has completed, but
said "I Don't Care" and "It Doesn't Matter" were the most successful.
(AP)...What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? His
customers "Don't Know" and "Don't Care".

Ways to amuse yourself during a business trip


On the plane:

1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell the flight crew that you have to
carry it aboard with you. Offer to sit on it during the flight.

2. Select a flight attendant. Every time she walks by, make a face as
though something smells really bad.

3. Ring your call button. When the flight attendant responds, speak in
gibberish. Become more agitated and animated as she becomes more
frustrated in her attempts to understand you.

4. When the captain announces "if there's anything we can do to make your
flight more comfortable...." ring and ask that the row of seats in front
of you be removed.

5. After the safety presentation, when they tell you that your flight
attendant will be coming by to answer any questions you might have, take
them up on the offer. Ask questions that no one can answer, like what you
say to God when He sneezes. Even better, act as though you have a short
attention span and ask them to repeat parts of it.

6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen mask now, just in case.

7. Take the airline magazine and provide your own captions for the
pictures and add your own footnotes to the articles. Be as creative and
vulgar as possible. At the end of the flight, leave the magazine on board
for the next person.

8. If you're seated in the exit row on a crowded airplane, as you're
taxiing out to the runway, ring your call button and tell the flight
attendant that you have an indiscernable condition that would prevent you
from performing the activities listed on the safety card, and would like to
be reseated.

(WARNING: Don't do this on New York-bound flights).

9. If you are sitting next to a particularly chatty person, the following
are good ways to shut them up:

* pull out a pornographic magazine and make graphic comments about the
models.
* as soon as it is practical, take out a notebook and pen and begin to
write obscenities and satanic slogans and draw pentagrams and other
satanic objects. This is especially effective if you use a very smelly
magic marker.
* fall asleep with your head on their shoulder.
* assume the lotus position and begin to chant.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the hotel:

1. Take the pens out of the room and replace them with pens from another
hotel chain.

2. If you are placed in a room where there are two beds, and one of the
bed has been turned down, stack all of your luggage and dirty clothes on
that bed and sleep in the other. If there's only one bed, make it look as
if you've slept on the foldaway bed, sofa, chair or on the floor.

3. Leave your "do not disturb" sign on the room all the time, even when
you've gone out for the day.

4. Write notes to the maid in soap on the mirror in the bathroom.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the restaurant:

1. If the hostess asks you "smoking or non-smoking?" tell her you don't
care. If she insists, ask for one of each.

2. Bring your own food.

3. At some point during the meal, ask your server for another knife. Tell
them "this one's so dull, you couldn't cut a fart with it."

4. Move the things on the table around as if they were chess pieces. If
the server tries to take something off the table, slap their hand and tell
them "THAT'S IN PLAY!"

5. If the restaurant in your hotel is particularly fancy, come down to
dinner in your jeans and t-shirt. If they tell you that the restaurant
requires a coat and tie, go back to your room and return wearing a jacket,
tie and boxer shorts.




*** I'm looking for more of these....mail them to me at
johlt@aol.com ***

Will Work For Food

While stopped at an intersection, I noticed a man standing on the corner in
front of a Burger King.

He was holding a sign that read: "Will work for food."

If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign
directly above him read: "Now hiring."