1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

5. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

6. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

7. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

8. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

9. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

10. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

11. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

12. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

13. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

14. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

15. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said " I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".

His buddy said " I have an idea-why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled".

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did" said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." (discovered later that it wasn't made up)

- On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

- On a package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

- On a roll of Life Savers:
Not for use as a flotation device.

- On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

- On a Pentium chip:
If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

- On a pack of cigarettes:
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves.

- On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

- On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

- On pantyhose:
Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

- On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

- On Kevorkian's suicide machine:
This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.

- On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

- On a palm sander:
Not to be used to sand palms.

- On a calendar:
Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

- On Odor Eaters:
Do not eat.

- On Sen. Bob Dole:
WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.

- On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.

- On a fax machine:
WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

- On syrup of ipecac:
Caution: May cause vomiting.

- On a revolving door:
Passenger compartments for individual use only.

- On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

- On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1.

- On The Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old
woman.

Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it?
>>>
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>>> (Answer below)
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>>> Don't look down.
>

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What???? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having a engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

A woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm revealing her hairy armpit as she points to the bartender to order a drink. Before she can say a word, a skinny little drunk man at the end of the bar says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the bartender to order another drink. Once again, the little drunk yells, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

The 10 reasons beer is better than sex
1: A beer never talks back
2: A beer never gets jealous when you have another beer
3: A beer always tastes good
4: A beer never has to wash up before you have it
5: A beer never checks out another beer
6: A beer never whines
7: you can always have another beer
8: Beer comes in 6, 12, and 24 packs for maximum enjoyment
9: you never have to wait for beer
10: Beer goes down smooth....

News:

Yesterday, scientists at Stanford revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed100 men 12 pints of beer each. They observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.

Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you."

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room. Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.

After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

See any good bumper stickers lately?
Here are some you may have seen around...

* Driver Carrys no cash - He's Married

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Keep honking...I'm reloading.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

* No radio - Already stolen.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* Caution: I drive like you do.

a man was playing golf when he hit his golfball into a field of buttercups.as he was looking around for his ball heard this voice it said 'please sir, dont hurt thebuttercups". the man looked up bewildered and asked "who are you?" the voice replied "this is god and if you promise not to hurt the buttercups i will give you butter for the rest of you life." the man looked up at the sky and answered back,"where the heck were you when i was in the pussywillows!?!!"

"Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder." --Anonymous bumper sticker

Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." --by Jack Handy


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. --Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! --Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine. --David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer. --Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. With out chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson

A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend
whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

One of those "Dear Jen" letters...

Dear Jenny,
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get
the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and
explain.

It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual
camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan
knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he
went last year. He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans
and macaroni. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of
his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot
down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't
know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Billy's letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
**

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way,
can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's
time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell
checked, too.
**

Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the
glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much
of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
**

Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
funny.
He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more
money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes.
I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to
people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
**

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any
computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less
than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how.
Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't
call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, Bill.
**

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some
money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've
paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, Bill.
**

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years
old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember,
I can make your life miserable i.e. the bank, credit bureau, and
government computers. I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again, and
this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
Sincerely, Bill.
****

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy.
What can I do, Jenny? I know that it's probably too late to save my
little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD
from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much,
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

Question: How does an agnostic insomniac suffering from dyslexia spend the night?

Answer: Sitting up in bed, all night long, repeating over and over, "Is there really a dog?"

Jesus, Moses and an old man were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at the old man. The old man took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at the old man and said: "Alright Dad, quit showing off!"

It seems when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Step for Man", etc. statement, but followed it by several remarks. It ended with "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

Two weeks ago, while answering questions following a speech, he finally responded, since Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer. When he was a kid, he was playing ball. His brother hit a fly which landed in front of the Gorsky's bedroom window. As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky:

"Oral sex, oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND....

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!!

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.




Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?

A. The nation.




Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks,

"Nice pigs, Mr. President"

Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor Back Hogs.

I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?"

The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs don't you?

This woman went to the county fair. They had one of those "Believe It Or Not" shows.
They had a man born with a penis AND a brain!

FACT: Only a man would buy a $500.00 car and put a $4,000.00 stereo in it!

Once a married couple was strolling down the street when the wife exclaimed,
"How sad, a dead bird". The husband looked up and said, "Where"?

(from November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine)


-- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

-- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

-- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

-- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

-- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

-- Birth control would come in ale or lager.

-- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

-- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

-- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

-- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. (I guess we did rule the world at one time)

-- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

-- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

-- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

-- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

-- Two words: Ally McNaked.

-- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

-- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill the losers. (The Romans never knew how lucky they had it)

-- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

-- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

-- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

-- Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

-- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

-- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

-- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

-- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he
only
has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This
is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles,
flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has
one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of
course
only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his
profile!!
Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde
and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid
answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm the
suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting
answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get
back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face.

"Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because
he
only has one eye and one ear."

What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke. (written by Sam McCloud, Minneapolis Trial Lawyer)

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.

"Lena spent two hours at the beauty parlor yesterday," said Ole, "and that was just for the estimate."

Patient:It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor:Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient:I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:"Do you see any change in me?"

Nurse: Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?
Doctor:Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

In Japan the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages have been
replaced with Japanese haiku poetry (3 lines--5 syllables in the first line, 7
in the second line, and 5 in the third line):

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

MIND TRICK

This little mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think about it
a little while. Then it's even more weird. Just follow the
instructions below:

DON'T scroll down too fast-do it just fast enough to comprehend
the questions and follow the instructions below exactly, but do
the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say
the answers aloud quietly.






What is:






2+2?





4+4?






8+8?






16+16?





QUICK! Pick a number between 12 and 5.





Got it?


Now scroll down...








The number you picked was 7, right?



Isn't that weird???

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

DILBERTED:
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from
the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip
character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised
the specs for the fourth time this week."

LINK ROT
The process by which links on a web page became obsolete
as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

CHIP JEWELRY
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or
turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for
that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

CRAPPLET
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just
wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

PLUG-N-PLAY
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is
great. He's totally plug-and-play."

WORLD WIDE WAIT
The real meaning of WWW.

CGI JOE
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and
charisma of a plastic action figure.

DORITO SYNDROME
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive
substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six
hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito
Syndrome."

UNDER MOUSE ARREST
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of
conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under
mouse arrest."

GLAZING
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular
pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he
notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message
"404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried
to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's
404, man."

DEAD TREE EDITION
The paper version of a publication available in both paper
and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the
San Francisco Chronicle..."

EGOSURFING
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research
papers looking for the mention of your name.

GRAYBAR LAND
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's
processing something very slowly, while you watch the gray
bar creep across the screen. "I was in graybar land for
what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

OPEN-COLLAR WORKERS
People who work at home or telecommute.

SQUIRT THE BIRD
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are
ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

KEYBOARD PLAQUE
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This
one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

CAREER-LIMITING MOVE, CLM
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity.
Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a
serious CLM.

ALPHA GEEK
The most knowledgeable, technically-proficient person in
an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek
around here."

ADMINISPHERE
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

TOURISTS
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation
from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the
class; the rest were tourists."

BLOWING YOUR BUFFER
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you
are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has
just said something so astonishing that your train gets
derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

GRAY MATTER
Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and
established.

BOOKMARK
To take note of a person for future reference, a metaphor
borrowed from web browsers. "I bookmarked him after seeing
his cool demo at Siggraph."

NYETSCAPE
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

BEEPILEPSY
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their
beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized
by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping
speech in mid-sentence.

And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the
Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how
many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

This old couple are in bed, lights out, settled down.

He says: "How about I nibble on your ear like I used to?"

She says: "Nah! By the time you get your false teeth in, I'll be asleep!"

OLE AND LENA GO TO THE DOCTOR

Lena wasn't feeling too well so she
decided to go see a doctor. After a
lenghty examination by the doctor,
he has some information that he had
to share with Ole.

Doctor: Ole, I'm afraid that Lena has
Acute Angina.

Ole: Oh really, her tits aren't too bad
either!

OLE AND LITTLE OLE AT CHURCH

Ole and Little Ole are in church. Little Ole asks, "What are those names up there on the wall?" "Those are the names of the people who died in the service," replied Ole. "Really, which one?" Little Ole asks, "The 8:30 or the 9:45?"

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied,"Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state it's in?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

A customer at Blockbuster had mentioned that before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." He then added: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

AQUARIUS
(Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES
(Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You Are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

ARIES
(Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

TAURUS
(April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a fucking communist.

GEMINI
(May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER
(June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

LEO
(July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO
(Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your nit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA
(Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores.All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO
(Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

CAPRICORN
(Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change.

Then the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?"

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were
both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter
in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks
of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her
mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight
hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut
off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had
merely been listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all
two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the last and best . . . . .

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his
face.

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a wagon after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the minister. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the Pastor said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, sit down and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind for working you so hard!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under this load of hay."

1. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One...men will screw anything.
3. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch.
5. What's a man's idea of floor play? A half hour of begging.
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
7. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
8. What's the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.
9. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off of his head.
10. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
11. How many men does it take to change a role of toilet paper? We don't know, it's never been done.
12. How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped.
13. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
14. What’s a man's idea of a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
15. What’s a man's idea of helping you with the housework? Picking up his feet so you can vacuum.
16. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
17. What’s the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding, scum-sucker, and the other is a fish!
18. What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
19. What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
20. What are the two reasons why men don't mind their business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
21. How is a man like a snowstorm? You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
22. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdraw.
23. Why are men like laxatives? They both irritate the shit out of you.
24. If a man got pregnant.…..Abortion would be available in convenient stores and drive-thru windows.
25. Why do men name their penises? They want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all of their decisions.
26. Why is it so hard for women to find a man that is sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.
27. Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at The Olympics? He had it bronzed.
28. Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.
29. How do men define "Roe V. Wade"? Two ways to cross a river.
30. What is gross stupidity? 144 men in the same room.
31. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
32. How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three: One to hold the pan, and two others to show off and shake the stove.
33. What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
34. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy But Wearable".
35. Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
36. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
37. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? It keeps the swelling down.

MS. NICE GUY - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have." Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat. Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

OLD YELLER - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans, Pays attention to you.

SICKLY - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

THE BOSSER - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look. " Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes, Mom.
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

MS. VAGUELY DISSATISFIED - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun. "
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

HUFFY - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

WOMAN FROM MARS - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

MS. DREAMGIRL - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note....Romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:


Darling,

I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love


P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. So he's sitting there contemplating life when he notices this great piano music playing. He looks around, and there's no piano, no band and no speakers. So he ask's the bartender where the music is coming from. The bartender says "I 've got a little man, who's about a foot high and he plays a little tiny piano under the counter."

The man doesn't believe him so he looks under the counter and sure enough there is a little man who's about a foot tall. The little man waves and asks if the man has any requests. The man is totally amazed. And he asks the bartender where he found the little man.

The bartender says "Well the other day I was taking out the garbage and I found a vase in the alley. So I picked it up and wiped off the dirt, and waddya know, a genie appears and says " I'll grant you one wish, any wish, but only one wish!" So here I am and I've got this little guy who plays the piano."

The guy asks what happened to the vase. The bartender says it's still out in the alley. The guy runs out the back door and looks for the vase. He picks it up and rubs it and the genie appears and says "I'll grant you one wish, any wish, but only one wish." So the man says "I want a million bucks." Snap!Poof! The alley is filled with a million quacking, shitting ducks. The man runs back in side and tells the bartender "That genie has a hearing problem! I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks!"

The bartender says "Yeah, no shit buddy. Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist??!!"

There was this guy sitting in his living room watching the tv and he heard a knock on the door. he got up off the couch to answer it. he opened the door and noticed a snail sitting there on his doormat. agitated as he was for being interrupted, he picked the snail up and threw it into the front lawn. a year later, he was watching tv in his living room as he usually does and he heard a knock at his door. he opened the door and there was the snail and the snail said "what the heck did you do that for?"

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the south. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, so they get up and go over to help her.

Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out, she launches the groceries all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that "'hind-lick" maneuver works like a charm".

There was once a little boy who lived with his mom and his dad.One saturday night the little boy asked if he could take a shower with his dad. The father said sure, only if he didn't look down. When they got in the shower, the little boy said," Daddy, what is that thing? And the father said," son i told you not to look down! It is my new car." Then the little boy sid "ok". The next day he asked if he could take a shower with his mom. She said sure as long as he did not look up or down. He disobeyed his mother and looked up.He said,mommy! What are those big things! Then his mom said oh honey those are my ummmm headlights. Then the little boy looked down and said mommy what is that? And she said uhhh that is my garage. The he said oh. That night when his mom and dad were tucking him in bed the little boy said,mommy, turn on your headlights and open your garage because daddy came home yesterday with a brand new car!

Hey, you must'a been doin' about 165 kph to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?

Hi Officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

So, uh, you "on the take" or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

100 kph in a 60 kph area? Could you put down 120? I'm trying to sell the car."

I normaly keep all that junk right here (pointing to the glove box), but
you see, this isn't my car!

I double-dog dare ya to arrest me!

Haha! I got your guu-uun

Bet ya can't keep up with me now that your on foot!! (and drive away)

Go to hell and have a nice day! (after terring up ticket)

Could ya hold on a sec, I just want to finish this beer.

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don't have it would like to have it, a phenomenon psychologists call 'E-Mail Envy'.
7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a lot of trouble.
1. If you play with it too much, you go blind.

It's always difficult to bring sad news, but I thought you should know:

Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest.

A guy walks into his regular bar and orders a Bud Light. The bartender says, "what's up, you never drink Bud Light?" The guy says "last night I drank 15 Coors, went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "anyone would blow chunks after 15 beers."

The guy says, "you don't understand, 'Chunks' is my dog!"

Things A Man Would Never Say:

- I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
- While I'm up, can I get YOU a beer?
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Her boobs are just way too big.
- Sometimes I just want to be held.
- That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
- Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
- We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
- Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
- I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.


Things A Woman Would Never Say:

- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
- Go ahead and leave the seat up, doesn't bother me at all!
- I think hairy butts are really sexy.
- Hey, get a whiff of that one.
- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
- This diamond is way too big!
- I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
- Wow, five inches is just too much for me!
- Does this make my butt look too small?
- I'm wrong, you must be right again.

A Middle aged couple had just finished meeting with their lawyer to finalize estate, family trust, and personal wills. On the way home, as they were driving quietly in their car, both were reflecting on their lives and the future. The wife turns to her husband and says " Dear, if I die before you, will you get remarried?"

The husband, after some reflection, and with both hands on the steering wheel, responds while looking straight ahead, "Yes, I probably will because I cannot see living the rest of my life alone." The wife then responds in a huffy voice, "Well if you get remarried, will you still live in the same house?"

The husband, after careful thought responded, "Yes I think so. I really like that house and we have done a lot of remodelling to make it just the way we wanted it." The wife, more visibly upset responds, "Well, if you get remarried and live in our house, will you keep the same bedroom set?" The husband, again after careful thought responded, "Yes, I really like that bed. You know how solid it is, and how much we have enjoyed sleeping in it together."

The wife, really upset now, says, "Well if you get remarried, and live in our house, and sleep in our bed, will she use my golf clubs?" The husband, without much thought responds, "Probably not............. She's left handed."

The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
another game?

9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
Please log off."

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20. User Error: Replace user.

21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.

A 40-something woman went to the Dr. for her yearly check-up. That evening she proudly announced to her husband, "The Doctor said I have the breasts of a twenty year old." Her husband impolitely asked, "What did he say about your forty year old ass?'' "You know," she responded sweetly, "he never mentioned you."