Top Ten Cool Things About Being the World's Fastest Man
0. Allowed to race wearing nothing but a "World's Fastest Man" sash
9. You're set for life as the new spokesman for Speedy Muffler King
8. You can get a bitc*&^' new vanity plate like "FastDude"
7. By sprinting from one side of the board to the other, you can
play checkers against yourself
6. Have easy excuse when girlfriend complains after sex
5. You're rarely, if ever, referred to as "lard a*&"
4. You actually have time to use a separate shampoo and conditioner
3. Nobody bothered by the cardboard lightning bolts you pasted to
your head
2. Get to meet the world's fattest man and ask, "So what's it like
to be president?" *
1. When visiting New York, you can actually outrun the gunfire
(C) 1997 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. All Rights Reserved
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while hen leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump -5
When she points out a hot-looking woman and asks if you think
she's pretty, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as pretty as you" +1
When she points to a woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say,
"Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed" -6
That woman is her sister -90
You have one drink, and that's it 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle....
