Related:

• A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.
  Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman....
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world.
  He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine....
• Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it.
  So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey