To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper
answers to awkward questions asked everyday: 

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean? 

A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills
by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is
one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered
the art of archery and hit the target.... 


Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the
wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you
still use elephants for transportation? 

A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house.
But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes
with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an
"emissions" problem..... 


Q. Does India have cars? 

A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to
encourage ride-sharing schemes. 


Q. Does India have TV? 

A. No. We only have cable. 


Q. Are all Indians vegetarian? 

A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India. 


Q. How come you speak English so well? 

A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians
as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the
British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their
servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born
speaking English. 


Q. Are you a Hindi? 

A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India. 


Q. Do you speak Hindu? 

A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity. 


Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt? 

A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me
go to school. 


Q. India is very hot, isn't it? 

A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is
why tea is such a popular drink in India. 


Q. Are there any business companies in India? 

A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of
self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food.
That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of
hard work. 


Q. Indians cannot beef, huh? 

A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So
eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of
the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human
meat. 


Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly? 

A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it
is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate
like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things
are so inefficient there. 


Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do
that? 

A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it
hard so that we can walk. 


Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work? 

A. I prefer it to coming naked.