Listed below are excerpts from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and keeping

a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.
___________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
___________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
___________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
___________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
___________________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
___________________________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
___________________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
___________________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
___________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
___________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
___________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_________________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
_____________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that

I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
_________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
-----------------------------------
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your
wife $775 a week".
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
-----------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.



LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George!"


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More here! Enjoy:

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A:
"Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were
boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q:
"And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your
new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q:
"And by who's death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium
height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this
is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?" A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The
autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was
dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway
between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been
since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A:
"No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it
is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But
could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."