send this to you in an effort to improve our culture literacy.

The first line is an English phrase; the second is its Chinese translation..



He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka.

This is a tow-away zone. No Pah King.

Is there a fugitive here? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Small horse. Tai Ni Po Ni.

Your price is too high! No Bai Nut Ding!

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?

I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni.

I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?

Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu.

They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum.

You know lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

I got this for free. Ai No Pei.

Phew! Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

Stay out of sight. Lei Lo.

You have a good sense of humor. Ah Tink Yu Fa Ni!

Subject: Stodgy Dinner

Al Huang, who teaches Tai Chi in Colorado, tells this one:

At a stodgy and ostentatious fund-raising dinner, a well-meaning
American lady tried to be hospitable to the Chinese gentleman
sitting next to her. She asked him, enunciating carefully,
"Likey soupee?" He smiled. And later, "Likey chickee?" He
nodded. Then the man was announced as the keynote speaker of
the gala event.

After much applause, he returned to his seat and turned to
the woman: "Likey speechee?"

--(Al Huang, _Quantum Ducks_, E.P. Dutton 1963)

Prime
Minister Zhang was fond of handwriting, but he didn't put in a lot of effort to
do his exercises. Everybody sneered at his bad handwriting, and the Prime
Minister himself really didn't care.
One day he happened to draft a beautiful sentence and at once wielded his
writing brush to write it down, indeed, there were dragons flying and snakes
dancing all over the paper. Then he ordered his nephew to copy it.
When beginning to copy, his nephew stared tongue-tied and did not know where
to start. The young man had to take the manuscript back to the Prime Minister.

"Uncle, I can't read your handwriting, please tell me what words they are."

The Prime Minister read his cursive hand a long time, and did not know what
Chinese characters they were, either. He then turned to blame his nephew. "Why
didn't you come earlier to ask me? I myself have forgotten the words which I've
written."

-->

The guest was a bit surprised when his host served him a
dinner of nothing but a dish of bean curd The host praised the virtues of bean
curd, saying, "Bean curd is my life; it's the most delicious food in the
world."
One day, he had the chance to visit his friend, who
remembered that the man loved bean curd and so he served fish and meat with bean
curd However, the man devoured only the fish and meat, and didn't touch the bean
curd His friend asked, "You say bean curd is your life, but why don't you
eat it today?"
The man answered, "I guess when I see fish and meat on
my plate, I don't want my life anymore."

 

-->

Internet is becoming popularized in China. More and more people have opened
an email account. However, there are still some problems with this new media.
Mis-delivery is a serious one. Last week a Beida graduate student called Li Na
tried to send a "have a try" email to his classmate Zhao Wen-Jian, but
that message was sent to Mr. Li Peng, one of the top leaders in China, by
mistake. As a result, Mr. Li was surprised by the following message: "Hi,
Fatty: How are you? This is only a try. By the way, the yellow joke you told
last night is just great." 
The next day, Li Na received an email from "security@zhongnanhai.cn"
in which he was told: "We have evidence to proof that you have been tapping the
highest security hotlines of government. Any attempt to bug the telephone talk
of country leaders is illegal." 
Footnote: Li Peng is the Premier who ordered to kill Peking students in
Tiananmen Square in 1989 crackdown.

The revered Mr. Lu, bereft of his spouse in his declining years, took a young
woman named Zhu as second wife. Unhappy about the union, Zhu was often seen
knitting her brows. One day, Mr. Lu asked her: "Do you regret that you have married an old man?"

"No,"
"You're unhappy because my official rank is too low?"
"No, it's not that."
"Then why are you so unhappy?"
"Neither your old age nor your low rank is the cause of my regret. My only
regret is that I was born too late to have met you when you were young."

A
man got a kick out of turning simple things into mysteries when composing a
letter, though he was not good at all at writing.
One day his father told him to write a letter to his brother and tell him
four things:

A villager died not long ago.
The price of meat has gone up.
The household has employed a new accountant.
His brother's wife is going to have a baby.

When the son had finished, however, the letter read:
"A villager died not long ago. The meat sold for 179 silver coins.
The household has employed a new accountant. My sister-in-law's belly is
getting bigger and bigger."
He soon got an angry answer from his brother:
"Domestic shame should not be made public. How can the flesh of the dead
be sold to others?"

During the Sui Dynasty (581-618), there lived a clever man who spoke with a
slight stutter. Whenever the Minister Yang Su felt bored and listless, he would
invite this man over to have a chat. One evening toward the close of the year
when they sat facing each other, Yang asked him more in jest than in earnest: " Supposing you find yourself in a pit ten feet deep and ten feet in
circumference, how would you get out?"
The man lowered his head, meditating for some time, and asked: " Is there a 1-1-ladder?"
"No," replied Yang. " I wouldn't have asked you if there were a
ladder."
Again the man lowered his head meditating. Some time later, he inquired: " In br-br-broad daylight? Or at n-n-night?"
" No need to ask whether it's in broad daylight or at night," replied
Yang." The question is how would you get out."
" I'm not blind," reported the man. " If it isn't after
night-fall, how the hell could I fall into it?"
At that Yang burst out laughing and followed up with another question: " Supposing you were a general sent to a small city besieged by an enemy
tens of thousands strong. The garrison there numbered less than one thousand,
and the provisions would suffice only for a few days. What would you do?"
The man hung down his head, pondering over the problem for a long time. Then he
asked: " Any re-reinforcements for-forthcoming?" 
" No, " replied Yang, " that's why I asked you."
After muttering to himself for a good while, the man raised his head and said:
" If the situation is as you said, I'm afraid we're just about done
for."
At that Yang burst into laughter again and then put to the man the last
question: " I know you're a very capable man and there's scarcely anything you can't
do. It so happened that someone in my family got bitten today by a snake. Will
you see to the snake bite?"
" Well," said the man in response," go to the south wall and get
hold of some s-snow which fell on the fifth day of the fifth moon. Ap-apply it
to the bite, and he'll get well in no time." 
" But," protested Yang, " it never snows in the fifth moon."
" No," the man agreed. " In the twelfth moon, where can you find
a snake that bites?"
Much amused by his remarks, Yang Su let the man go.

This is a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Chinese authorities off the coast of Vietnam in South China Sea in October 1980. 
CHINESE: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. 
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. 
CHINESE: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. 
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CHINESE: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. 
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS MIDWAY, the second largest ship in the United States Pacific Fleet. 
We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be
undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. 
CHINESE: This is a lighthouse. You are on the course to collide with a Vietnamese fishing boat filled with hundreds refugees! 

-->

There lived in the State of Qi a man who had a very bad memory. While
walking, he would forget to stop; while sleeping, he would forget to rise. His wife was very much worried about this and said to
him one day: "I've heard that Master Ai is a very learned man with a glib tongue. He can
even bring the dying back to life. Why don't you go and consult him?"

"Good idea!" the man agreed.
So he set out on horseback, bow and arrow in hand. Before he had covered a
distance of 30 li he felt a call of nature. He dismounted and, after sticking
the arrow into the ground and tying the horse to a tree, crouched down to
relieve himself. This done, he stood up and looking to the left caught sight of
the arrow.
"Wow!" he cried. " What a narrow escape! I wonder where that
stray arrow came from. It nearly hit me."
Then, looking to the right, he saw the horse.
"Well, well!" he said with joy. " Though I've been badly
frightened, I'm now rewarded with this windfall of a horse."
Seizing the bridle of the horse, he was about to turn round when he
inadvertently stepped on his own excrement. Stamping his foot, he cried: " Damn! This pile of dog's dung has soiled my shoe. What a pity!"
Whipping his horse, he galloped off in the wrong direction. Not long afterwards,
he arrived home. Pacing up and down in front of his own house, he muttered to
himself: "Whose house is this? Can this be the residence of Master Ai?"
At this moment, his wife saw him. Guessing that his memory must have taken leave
of him again, she let loose a torrent of abuse. Very much upset, the man
complained: "I've never seen you before in my life. Why hurl insults at me like that,
lady?"

This black guy was walking by a lake. Sitting next to the lake was an old
Chinese guy skipping stones off the water. As he did, they made a sound. They
sounded like this… Change----Chang-Long.

The black guy was amazed. He asked the Chinaman how he did that.

The Chinaman said, "this is an enchanted lake". When you skip a small
stone across the water, it tells you about your immediate ancestry. When you
skip a larger stone, it tells you about your ancient ancestry.

The Chinaman then picked up a larger stone and skipped cross the water.
Long---Dong-Chow was the sound.

The black guy picked up a stone and skipped across the water. Chim---Pan-Ze was
the sound. "BULL SHIT" he said and threw another…Chim---Pan-Ze
again. Really pissed now, he picked up the largest rock he could and threw it
into the water… Ba---Boon!

-->

A robber and an alms-begging monk were pursuing their
way together when a tiger suddenly appeared from nowhere and pounced upon them.
The robber immediately drew a bow. The tiger, however, was not afraid and kept
closing in on them. As a last resort, the monk threw his alms book at the tiger,
which immediately fell back with fright and beat a hasty retreat.
"Pa," asked the tiger cub of its father," how come you were not
afraid of the robber and yet the monk gave you such a good scare?"
"Well," replied the tiger, " when the robber came up, I was
prepared to wrestle with him. But when the monk wanted to beg alms from me, how
was I going to bundle him off?"

-->

A:
" I have a drum whose sound can be heard for hundreds of miles."
B: " I have a buffalo that's so big its head alone stretches from the
northern side of the river to the southern side."
A:" Impossible!"
B: "How can your drum be made without the skin of such a buffalo!"

-->

There once was a man who had a superstitious faith in geomantic omens.
He consulted the geomancer beforehand concerning all signs beneficial. or
unfortunate.
One day, while he was sitting at the foot of a wall, the wall collapsed on top
of him. He cried, "Help!"
His servants came over to have a look and
said, "Be patient, Master. Let's ask the geomancer if it is a good omen to
break the ground today."

-->

A man once wanted to borrow a cow from a wealthy man, so he had his
servant send a note to the wealthy man. The rich man, who was entertaining some
guests, took the note and ashamed to be taken as an illiterate, pretended to be
able to read it. When reading it he nodded his head repeatedly.
"I know," the rich man said to the messenger,
"I'll go myself in a moment."

-->

A man who had asked his guest to stay for a cup of tea sent his servant to
borrow some tea leaves from his neighbor.
When the water started to boil he poured in some water, waiting for the return
of the servant. Before long, the water started boiling again, so he had to pour
in some more water. This was repeated several times until the cauldron was full
and the servant still failed to come back. At this point, the man's wife
suggested to him:
"Since this gentleman is an intimate friend of yours, you might as well ask
him to take a bath instead. "

A man who had asked his guest to stay for a cup of tea sent his servant to
borrow some tea leaves from his neighbor. He ate two grain
cakes each morning before going out to work. The cakes made him a bit tipsy
every morning. One day he met a friend who asked: "Did you drink some wine this
morning?"
"No. No. I only had some grain cakes for breakfast, that's all." He
replied.
When he told his wife about this after returning home, his wife said: "You
should have told him that you did have some wine just to keep up the
appearance."
So, the other day when the poor man met his same friend again and the friend
asked the same question, the poor man replied that he did have some wine.
His friend continued to ask: "Did you have hot wine or cold wine?"
"It was baked." The poor man said.
His friend burst into laughter and said: "You had no wine but your old
grain cakes!!"
When the poor man's wife learnt about it, she shouted at the poor man:
"Stupid! No one ever bakes his wine. You should just say you drank it hot
and nice."
When he met that friend again, the poor man said before his friend could say
anything: "I drank my hot wine this morning." 
His friend grinned and
asked: "Really? How much did you drink?"
"Two pieces," said the poor man, raising two fingers.

-->

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's
obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"
The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence.
Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why
not? Why don't you like Jews?"
F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic.
It was an iceberg."
The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."

Beijing (Reuter, 1/26) - China's official Xinhua news agency, which announced
this week that maggot extract is a good source of nutrition, urged people
Thursday to add ants to their diet with a set of recipes cooked up by a
professor. 
Wu Zhicheng, "an expert on ant diet" based in the central city of
Nanjing, has worked out dozens of recipes for ant-based cakes, teas and wines in
an effort to promote ant eating, it said. "Ants are a miniature nutritious
treasury," Xinhua quoted Wu as saying, adding that ants contained more zinc
than either soybeans or pig liver. 
Xinhua said Chinese have been eating ants for more than 3,000 years and
"the longevity of many old people who are now over 100 years old has been
found to be connected with an ant diet." 
The edible ant suggestion follows Xinhua's report Saturday that announced a
scientific team had worked out a way to develop maggots as a "huge new
source of nourishment for the 1990s."
"Maggot products are surprisingly appealing," Xinhua said.

-->



BEIJING, CHINA--After two weeks of remarkable success against the world's finest
athletes, the Chinese National Olympic Team was carefully disassembled and put
back into storage yesterday, placed in a specially designed, high-tech cryogenic
freezing pod for preservation until the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, Australia.
"You have brought great honor to your nation," said Chinese Prime
Minister Deng Xiaoping during a ceremony before more than 800,000 in Beijing's
Tiananmen Square. "Now we must remove your sculpted limbs from your
muscular torsos and return you to your sarcophagi so that you may achieve even
greater glories for the People's Republic in the future."
Amid great cheers from the crowd, Deng then pulled a switch, lowering the
athletes into the $440 million, titanium-reinforced, liquid radon-cooled
absolute zero temperature athlete preservation chamber, where they will be
preserved in a perfect state of suspended animation until July 2000.
The elite 120-member Chinese team, which boasts many of the world's finest
gymnasts, swimmers and runners, has been kept in the state-of-the-art
computer-regulated Mao Zedong Memorial People's Revolutionary Sports Pod,
located 200 feet below the surface of Beijing, since the 1964 Olympics in Tokyo.
Despite the overall success of the Chinese team in Atlanta, not all of its
members were returned to the pod. Following each Olympics, only the top
performers return, with those failing to earn a gold medal killed, stripped for
needed parts and replaced by more promising young athletes.
"Only the finest athletes can be preserved," Chinese Olympic
Committee spokesperson Zhou Li Quing said. "Those who have brought shame to
both nation and family by losing must be paraded naked through the streets of
every city in China for people to spit on, then coated with honey and staked
down over an anthill. "
Zhou added he is considering a proposal to parade defeated athletes through
China's more remote rural provinces as well.





 


The
Chinese Olympic Team will be cooled to a temperature of absolute zero,
then lowered into the $440 million Mao Zedong Memorial People's
Revolutionary Sports Pod, where it will be stored until the year 2000.



Among those frozen yesterday was 1996 Olympic men's archery gold medalist
Liao Bu. "I will see you in the year 2000," Liao said, minutes before
being sealed into a pod with his award-winning arms. "But until then, I
wish to bring great honor to China as the coldest Olympic archer in the
world."
Xiaolu Chang, a five-time Olympic gold medal-winning middle-distance runner,
has been in the pod since the 1968 Mexico City Games. "Must win
medal," said Xiaolu, 51, who has the perfectly preserved body of a
23-year-old. "Must win medal."
 According to scientists, the Chinese athletic pod represents the finest
Olympic carbon-based life-form storage facility in the world.
"The only one that compares is the $430 million Mother Russia Olympic
Figure Skaters' Pod in Moscow," said M.I.T.'s Paul Blair. "Built for
the 1980 Lake Placid Winter Olympics, it has since been updated with a
plutonium-powered coolant turbine, high-speed fast and slow twitch muscle
defrosters and separate storage compartments for individual skaters and
pairs."

A Chinese lady married a pilot and they had a baby. One day he had to fly to
another state with a couple of other pilots. His wife was going to China so he
had to take the baby with him. On the plane the baby was getting really
annoying. The pilot said, "We have to jump or we will have no chance to make
it." They decided to leave the baby on the plane. One guy jumps out then the
next one then the Dad. The 1st guy got to the bottom and he sees the baby. The
man said, "How did you get down her so fast. We left you up there." The baby
replied, "Me Chinese me not dumb me hold on to daddy's bumb he goes tooot I go
zoom that's how I got down so soon."

-->

Hiya lang lui!
Hi lang jai!
Want to ride in my Honda?
Sure lang jai!
Jump in!

*I'm a Chinese girl, in a Chinese world
Eating wonton, it's perfection
I have light brown hair, Sanrio everywhere
Frustration, in my generation.

Come on bb, let's go drink tea.

I'm a Chinese girl, in a Chinese world
Playing mahjong, nothing is wrong
I have tons of flares, tight shirts everywhere
Looking cocky, just can't stop me.

I'm Chinese, Asian girl, in a white-people world
Egg foo young, just for fun, I do laundry.

You're so tall, Chinese doll, eat some jook and chow mein,
No FOBS here, egg rolls there, fortune cookie.

Eat cha siu, eat bok choi, you can say I love Sam's club.

Repeat *

Come on bb, let's go drink tea.
Ai ai ai yah.
Come on bb, let's go drink tea.
Ooh ooh

Make me cook, make me clean, do whatever is mean
I can do some kung-fu, I have loads of bamboo.

Come jump in, let's play pool, cruise around just again,
Look and stare, dye your hair, rent some movies.

Gung jai mein, I'm jook seng, I go to the library
Bot paw girls are so jean, you can say I grow string beans.

Repeat*

Oh, that guy, kui tai mut gwai?
Well lang lui, I'll use my martial arts.
Oh I love you lang jai!

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful
Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date.
She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says
"Yes, but before we do, there's something you must know. I have never had
the sex, but I've read about it." He says that it's not a problem, and they
are married.
On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she's a virgin, she can
choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am
honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I've read
about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69. 
The husband looks confused, and
after thinking about it, he says "You want.. the beef and broccoli?"

-->

A rich man often went to Bangkok for the night life and before long he
contracted sexual disease. So one day, he went to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor examine his private part and said, "This is a very severe
case. We have no other way but to cut it away. otherwise, it will spread and
become worse."
The businessman was shocked. the last thing he wanted was to have it cut and
end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.
Desperate he thought, "Why don't I consult traditional Chinese
medicine. They might have some surprises"
So, the Chinese doctor gave him an examination and the doctor said," We
don't have to cut. I'll give you herbs to rub."
The rich man was so happy. "Wow no operation, you are better than
western medicine. I'm amazed, So what is the exact secret?"
The Chinese doctor said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by
itself."

-->

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch
and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were
having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without
needing a drink.
So the Englishman set off, but he only got half way.
Then the Scotsman set off, and he only got half way too.
But the Chinese guy managed to get all the way across the desert.
The Englishman and the Scotsman asked him how he could possibly do that without
any water?
"Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy"

-->

There was once a very influential farmer in an obscure part of China. He had
a problem, for which he sought the counsel of the two wise men in town.  So
he summons the two wise men, Hing, who is an scientist, and Ming, who is a
sorcerer, and requests that they find a cure for his chickens who are losing
their feathers and dying.
Hing decides to pay a visit to his mentor at the Agricultural Extension of the
local Community College, under whom he studied many years ago.  The mentor
recommends the book "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of
Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask". So Hing visits the library, borrows the
book, and finds inside the report of a study that finds that feeding the
chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a cure for chickens losing
their feathers.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he
meditates, and he reads tarot cards.  He also tries to read the entrails of
a fetal pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves.  In a
spark of discovery, he decides that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
On the appointed day, at the appointed time, and at the appointed place, the two
wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming reports "As
gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens."  Hing agrees, saying "Four out
of five ornithologists recommend sugarless infusions of gum tree leaves for
their chickens who lose their feathers."  The influential Chinese
farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind.
He decides to carry out their advice, and it does not succeed.  The moral
of this story is "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get
gum tea to feather a hen."

The African man walks into a liquor store and buys a coke.
He drinks it and the Chinese clerk starts laughing.
The African guy says, "Why are you laughing?"
The Chinese man said, "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee pee in your
coke."
The African man said in response angrily, "Me Black man, me run fast, me
gonna kick your fuckin' ass!"

-->

Three Chinese gentlemen approach the St. Peter's gates requesting entrance to
heaven. St. Peter informs the three that as they are not Christian, they can not
come in. But after much pleading by the three Chinese men St. Peter agrees to
let them in on one condition: each one must explain a Christian holiday. 
The first man says 'Christmas. Christmas is when young children dress up in
scary costumes, say trick or treat, eat candy. Christmas.' St. Peter says
no. 
The second man says 'Lent. Lent is when everyone gather 'round big fire, cook
hot dog, make e fireworks. Lent.' St. Peter says no. 
The third man says 'Easter. Put man on cross. Man dies on cross. Put man in
tomb. Wait three days. After three days, roll the rock from tomb. Man come out
of tomb. If man see shadow...'

-->

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into
the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese
Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in
China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there
are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!

-->

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the
Chinese man that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry. "Use more soap on panties." 
Finally fed up the Chinese man
responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

-->

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went
out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had
all complied, the lights went on again. 
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make
light work.'"

-->


What a Chinese Restaurant Menu might sound like.
SUC MI PUGODA
CUNTONESE CUISINE
6969 Fellatio Blvd.
Escondildo, CA 12698
281-6969

 



A LA CARTE
DINNER COMBINATIONS

$2.69 each
Includes Smeg Roll and Fortune Nookie







Cum Drop Soup
1. Goo In Hand..............$9.69

Fresh every 2.7 days
For those dining alone







Pee Yu Platter
2. Goo Wee Chick............$6.99

Clothes pins extra
Sloppy seconds no extra charge







Hoo Flung Poo
3. Cum Too Soon..............$6.99

Napkins and raincoats provided
Order early, these go fast







Suc Sum Tit
4. Suc Mi Wang..............$6.99

Children's Special
Traditional Chinese Meatloaf







Yung Poon Tang
5. Sum Dum Chick............$4.69

No take out orders
You get what you pay for







LUNCHEON SPECIALS
6. Fuc Mei Slo..............$6.69


Not available after 10:00 PM







Sum Yung Chick........$6.99
7. Lik Mi Clit..............$6.99

Different and Delicious
A Lip Smacking Oriental Delicacy







Won Hung Lo...........$6.99
8. Cho Kon It...............$9.99


Not For The Light Throated







Sum Dum Fuc...........$9.69
9. Fuc Sum Now..............$6.99

Same As #1 But With Extra Sauce
For Those In A hurry







Chu Sum Twat..........$16.99
10. Wai Tu Yung..............$4.99

Dinner For Parties Of 3 Or More
Not Available On School Nights







Suc Mi Pork...........$9.69
11. Tung Sum Chick...........$8.99

Chef's Special
Chef's Special







Fuc Yu Man............$6.69
12. Sum Gulp Cum.............$9.69

Speciality of The House
Low Cal Diet Special



 

-->

From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiled by
Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet in
the Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June
1996. 

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again? 
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 
Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! Take my advice, or I'll spank you
without pants. 
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. 
You always use violence. 
I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 
You daring lousy guy. 
Beat him out of recognizable shape! I have been scared shitless too much
lately. 
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 
How can you use my intestines as a gift? 
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

 

-->

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!! - No Bai Dam Thing!!
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Do you know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum
Song?
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai You Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai

-->

A Chinese couple get married ... and she's a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My
darling, I know this is your first time, and you are frightened. I assure you, I
will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you
want?"
"I want number 69" she replies.
"You want beef with broccoli?"

-->

One day a scholar taught his son to read the Chinese word "one".
Soon the boy learnt it by heart.
The next day while the scholar was wiping the table, he
happened to write on the table top a "one"
with his wet rag to quiz his son. The boy couldn't read it at all.
This is the word "one"
I taught you to read yesterday, now isn't it? said the
scholar.
Oh! But how big it has become overnight! said
the boy in surprise.
 

A Chinese man enters a bar to find a Black bartender. He says, "Hey
nigger, give me a jigger."
The Bartender responds, "That's terrible! How would you like it if I
said something like that to you? In fact, let's just switch places. You get
behind the bar and I'll come in as a customer."
The Chinese man agrees and gets behind the bar. The Black man goes outside.
Upon reentering, he says, "Hey Chink, give me a drink."
To which the Chinese man answers, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers
here."
 

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of
man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said
the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the
second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said
the youngest daughter.

A scholar was preparing to take the civil examinations. His
wife was very puzzled by his constant worrying.

"Look at you, you worthless wretch," she said. "Your probably think
that it's more difficult for a man to write an essay than for a woman to give
birth to a child."
"How's that?", she asked.
"You women can bear children easily because you carry
the child in your stomach", the scholar said. "But I have nothing in
my head, so how do you expect me to think of something to write?"

After about 15 years of cold war between the Russians and the Chinese, Breznev finally decided to break the ice and offered to visit China then under
Mao Tse Tung. After a red carpet reception they finally sat down to discuss
business across the table (so to say). Here's how the conversation went.
Breznev: Well as an offer of friendship I'll offer you some commodities you
may need.
Mao: Thank you Mr. Brenev, we will accept your offer.
Breznev: What do you request then?
Mao: To begin with we would like a billion $ in hard currency.
Breznev: (after quickly consulting with his advisors) so be it
Mao: A million ton of steel
Breznev: O.k.
Mao: A million ton of potatoes.
Breznev: (a little surprised) o.k.
Mao: Two million tons of rice
Breznev: (After consulting his advisors) No, I'm quite sorry that is not
possible!
Mao: (rather surprised by the emphatic No) Why not?
Breznev: (In a condescending tone) They don't grow rice in *POLAND* Mr. Mao
 

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

 
A just-married Chinese couple decided to make
love on the wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife
did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom from the
shop  nearby. When the  husband left, the wife waited anxiously in the
room with all the lights switched off. 
The husband had a hard time looking for a shop
that sell condom and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one
20 cents coin. He asked the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the
shop owner asked him which quality does he want. "The white condom, lowest
quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each.
And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each." So the husband
took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. 
While the husband was out, a black Indian thief
came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabs the thief and happily screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that
she felt asleep immediately. 
When he reach the hotel, he found his wife
sleeping. Without a warning, he jump onto his wife and started making love. The
wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she enjoyed the session. 
A year later, the wife gave birth to a black
baby boy. When the baby grows up, he ask the father "Pa, why am I black and
you are white????" 
The father shouted  "You are damn
lucky already, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE". 

 


Chinese Phrase      
English Translation


Ai Bang Mai Ne
I bumped into the coffee table


Ar U Wun Tu 
A gay liberation greeting


Chin Tu Fat 
You need a face lift


Dum Gai
A stupid person


Gun Pao Der
An ancient Chinese invention


Hu Flung Dung 
Which one of you fertilized the field?


Hu Yu Hai Ding
We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive


Jan Ne Ka Sun
A former late night talk show host


Kum Hia 
Approach me


Lao Ze Sho 
Gilligan's Island


Lao Ze
Not very good


Lin Ching
An illegal execution


Moon Lan Ding
A great achievement of the American space program


Ne Ahn 
A lighting fixture used in advertising signs


Shai Gai 
A bashful person


Tai Ne Bae Be 
A premature infant


Tai Ne Po Ne 
A small horse


Ten Ding Ba 
Serving drinks to people


Wan Bum Lung 
A person with T.B.


Yu Mai Te Tan
Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you


Wa Shing Kah
Cleaning an automobile


Wai So Dim
Are you trying to save electricity?


 Wai U Shao Ting
There is no reason to raise your voice


 

Once upon a time, there lived two brothers - elder one named "Da Niu"
(Big Cow), younger one called "Xiao Niu" (Little Cow). They were both
English educated. Da Niu could not understand Chinese at all while Xiao Niu
managed to write some simple sentences.

There lived one lady - a very very pretty and sexy Chinese lady opposite their
flat. Both brothers were hungry to "eat" this lady, but they kept
their desire to themselves.

Finally, Da Niu disclosed to Xiao Niu his lustful desire for this lady and
requested Xiao Niu to write this lady a loveletter on behalf of himself.
Definitely, Xiao Niu was upset and tried to sabotage his brother. So Xiao Niu
wrote a note and flew it over to the lady: "Da Niu Bi Jiao Lan" (Da
Niu is lazier).

To Xiao Niu surprise, this did not make the lady disappointed about Da Niu but
instead she so delighted when she saw this note and immediately hooked herself
to Da Niu.

Guess why? The lady has read sentences from right to left.

During the reign of Shizong (1522-1567) of the Ming Dynasty, there lived in
Wuxi two good friends named Wang Fu and Zhang Xiang, respectively. Both of them
were men of plenty of guts and believed in neither ghosts nor gods.
One summer day found them drinking in the glow of the setting sun on the bank of
a rivulet. Said Wang: "Yonder on the opposite bank a man was interred yesterday somewhere in the
burial-mounds. Dare you cross over and drag the body out of the coffin? "
" I can do that under cover of night," replied Zhang.
"If so, " said Wang, " I'll stand you an urn of wine brewed in
the twelfth moon. I'm going to get it now and wait for you. "
Presently the sun disappeared below the horizon and Zhang crossed over to the
opposite bank of the rivulet. There, among the burial-mounds he found to his
surprise a coffin with its lid already removed. Full of suspicions, he
approached the coffin to take a close look when all of a sudden a pair of arms
stretched out from within and embraced his neck.  Horrified, Zhang prayed:
"Please come out a little bit, will you? After I win the bet, I'll come
back tomorrow and make offerings to you and give you a decent burial, I
promise."The two arms round his neck, however, tightened and Zhang started yelling for
help. And then his yelling died down to groans. Some of the dwellers in the neighborhood,
on hearing the yell, rushed to the scene carrying torches. They found that the
man who had his arms round Zhang's neck was none other than his friend Wang.On the pretext of going for the wine, Wang had crossed over ahead of Zhang.
There, having dragged the body out of the coffin, he lay inside in wait for
Zhang. Despite the raging pestilence at that time, both of them did not catch
it. It's because they were men with plenty of guts.

There was once a Chinese emperor who had very refined taste buds and would
eat only the finest of foods. He employed many people whose jobs involved just traveling
the length and breadth of the land to find food of the highest quality for their
emperor. It was unfortunate for them, however, that the emperor had peculiar
cravings. 
One day the emperor called in his staff and said, "Well, today I want to
eat a one hundred year old egg. This egg must be exactly one hundred years
old." 
Well imagine the commotion in the palace! His staff jumped on their horses
and traveled all over, trying to find an egg which was exactly one hundred years
old. They looked and looked, and finally returned to the palace and approached
the emperor. "Well", said the emperor, "did you find my
egg?" 
One of his servants stepped forward and addressed his majesty. "No
sir", he said, "we did not find an egg that was exactly one hundred
years old. But we do have one here which is about fifty years old." 
The emperor replied, "No Way! You know I hate fast food!"

The people of China are most saddened by the passing of their beloved leader,
Deng Xiaoping. 
In fact, they've decided to name the automobile produced at the new
Volkswagen factory in Beijing after him. It will be called "The Deng
Beetle." 
The current power establishment is already downplaying his significance in
China's history, as evidenced by the latest official press release titled
"Deng wasn't shit!".

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.



 

While
entertaining himself in Shanglin Garden, Emperor Wu Di of the Han Dynasty
pointed at a tree and asked Dongfang Shuo, "What is that called?"
"It's called Goodness." replied Dongfang Shuo carelessly. Wu Di had it
written down.
Several years later, playing in the garden again, Wu Di saw the tree and turned
to Dongfang Shuo to ask its name. "it's named Jusuo (Overlooking
all)." said Dongfang Shuo again carelessly.
Wu Di's expression changed, "You have been cheating me over the years. How
can the same tree have different names?"
Dongfang Shuo defended himself with fervor and assurance "A horse is called
horse only when it grows up; it is a foal when young; chicken is the name for a
chick when it becomes older; and a cow is called a calf when born. So it is with
human beings: They are called infants when born and old men when aged. The tree
was Goodness several years ago and is now Overlooking-All. All the objects in
the universe change. Don't you think that is the truth?"
Satisfied with Dongfang Shuo's reply, Wu Di laughed heartily. "

Once upon a time in China, there was a wedding dinner. The dinner occupies
only half the restaurant.
The other half was occupied by some Caucasian tourists. As the wedding
couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of 'GAN BEI'
(happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder. One Caucasian gets more
and more irritated as the couple get closer to him.
'GAN BEI.........GAN.........BEI.........!!!' the cheers continued.
Finally, the irritated Caucasian couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his
chair and shouted, 'IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR U!'
 

I have always been a critic of Seattle driving, but recently I had a chance
to see how others drive in far away countries, such as China. Since then, I have
developed a profound respect for how we drive here in the Northwest. Why? What
could be so bad about the driving in China? Here is a collection of short
observations I have made riding in the Great Country of China.
While Driving in China...........................
Traffic signals are (how should I put it...) optional.
Right of way is determined by vehicle weight.
On any given street every car is driving parallel, but none will be driving
co-linear.
In taking any 3 consecutive Chinese drivers, 1 will be driving over the median.
In merging lanes, Chinese drivers feel the need to drive neck and neck until the
last moment when one finally chickens out.
Whenever a Chinese person crosses the street by foot, he will not consider such meaningless factors as how many cars are on the road, or how fast they
are going.
If while crossing the street, a Chinese bicyclist gets 4 beeps from a Bus, 3 beeps from your taxi, and 5 loud horns from a speeding truck, all while
going against traffic, he will not so much as turn his head to acknowledge.
Take ever gas you find in the Periodic table, Mix this with every gas you would find at a Nuclear power plant, add mustard gas, SMOG, Agent Orange,
MACE, and sulfuric acid, this is was comes out of the average cars tail pipe. A one time drive while riding behind a bus, had identical health
effects as 12 years of smoking.
What do Chinese people drive? Hard to answer that, but try to imagine this... Gather the 100 most brilliant and renowned German Auto Engineers,
get them really drunk, and give them 24 hours to build a car while wearing mittens.

During the reign of Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty, the
articles of tribute received by the imperial court included a jar of wine which
was supposed to give the drinker eternal life. It so happened that Dongfang Shuo
drank a mouthful of it on the sly. The Emperor was so angry when he learnt about
this that he wanted to put Dongfang Shuo to death.
"The wine I drank, Your Majesty, " pleaded Dongfang Shuo, "was
supposed to give me eternal life. I wouldn't die even if Your Majesty put me to
death. If I should die, then the wine is not the genuine stuff it was supposed
to be."
The Emperor was so amused that he pardoned Dongfang Shuo.

Having been dismissed from office, Ye Heng returned to his native place. One
day he fell ill and said to the visitors who had come to see him: " I'm going to die, but I don't know how things are in the
netherworld."
"Things are just fine down there," answered one of the gentlemen.
"How do you know?" Queried Ye, amazed.
"If not," explained that gentlemen," those who had died and gone
there would flee the netherworld and come back, Since no one who had died ever
came back, things down there must be very fine."

At this utterance, the company broke out into loud guffaws.

Long,
long ago, in a battle a soldier was shot in the leg, and suffered from constant
pain. An officer in the troop sent for a surgeon versed in external medicine to
treat the soldier's wound.
The surgeon came to have a look, then said, "This is easy!" He cut off
the arrow shaft at the leg with a big pair of scissors, and immediately asked
for fees for the surgical operation.
"Anyone can do that," the soldier, getting upset, cried, "The
arrow head is still in the leg, why haven't you taken it out?"
"My surgical operation is finished. The arrowhead in your leg should be
cured by a physician who practices internal medicine."

When Duan Guangqing
served as a county magistrate, he was known for his honest, upright nature. One
day while passing a grain shop, he saw a crowd of people who seemed to be
quarreling about something. Upon inquiry he learned that a country fellow had
trampled a chick to death and the boss of the grain shop had asked for nine
hundred coins in compensation.
Duan Guangqing asked, "Why does a chick cost nine hundred coins?"
The fellow from the country answered, "The boss said the chick, which was of
fine quality, would weigh nine jin after a few months, The current price for a
chicken is one hundred coins per Jin, so he asked me to pay nine hundred coins
for the loss."
Hearing this, Duan Guangqing asked the boss, "Is that true?"
The boss of the grain shop nodded. "Yes, that's the way I calculated it."
Then Duan Guangqing brought the case to a conclusion. "It seems that nine
hundred coins is not too much. You just pay him that much. If you don't have
enough, I'll make it up."
The onlookers all complained behind his back that the judgment was unfair.
The countryman dared not protest and had to pawn some of his clothes for six
hundred coins. With these and three hundred coins volunteered by Duan Guangqing,
the man paid the boss for the chick.
Seeing the money, the boss was full of glee. He took the coins and was about
to go when Duan Guangqing said hurriedly, "Wait a moment; listen to me, please.
There is a saying 'dou grain, jin chicken'. That is to say, to gain one jin of
weight the chick will eat one dou of grain. Now that the chick has died, the
nine dou of grain have been saved, haven't they? It is only fair for you to give
the nine dou of grain to the countryman."
Hearing this, the boss was agape and tongue-tied. He could do nothing but
give nine dou of grain.
The countryman went away happily with the grain. All the people praised Duan
Guangqing unanimously for his fair judgment and uprightness.

A host served his guest fish every meal.
However, most of the fish had had their middle sections cut out. The guest asked, "Where
are the fish from?"
"From the pond," the host answered.
"No, they must be from the
well. That would explain why they're so short."

A guest
visited a family from afar. Though the host had many chickens and ducks milling
around his courtyard, he told his guest that he didn't dare to ask him to stay
for dinner due to his shortage of suitable food for dinner. The guest instantly
asked the host to lend him a knife to kill his riding horse so they could eat it
for dinner.
The host asked," Then,
how can you ride home?"
The guest answered," Just
lend me one of your fowls to ride." 

********
George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?" Condoleeza
Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."
George: "Great. Lay it on me."
Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."
George: "That's what I want to know."
Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."
George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "I mean the fellow's name."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The guy in China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The new leader of China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The Chinaman!"
Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."
George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."
George: "That's whose name?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East."
Condoleeza: "That's correct."
George: "Then who is in China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir is in China?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George: "Then who is?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Yassir?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "No, thanks."
Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"
George: "No."
Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."
George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"
Condoleeza: "And call who?"
George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."
George: "Will you stay out of China?!"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi."
George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."
 

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with
a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete
the job. Three groups responded. A group of Chinese, a group of Italians, and a
group of Blondes. Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other
two groups, the manager decided to assign each group to a different part of the
line.
The first task was to stand the telegraph poles. The Manager sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that
the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the
Manager. The Manager inquired of him how many poles had been set by his group.
He replied 48. The manager was very pleased. He advised the Italian to stay
awhile until he heard how the Chinese and the Blondes did.
Next to report was the foreman of the Chinese group. When asked, he reported
that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the manager was delighted. He
dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Chinese leader to remain until the
Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Manager. "How
many poles did your group set?" He asked. 
"Two," replied the Blonde forewoman.
"Two!" exclaimed the Manager. "The Italians set 48 poles, and
the Chinese set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?" he
demanded.
"It may be true the Italians and Chinese buried more poles than us,"
replied the Blonde, "but you should see how much of the poles they left
sticking out of the ground!"

A
youngster from a rich family saw a poor porter lying on the ground as he was
walking along the road one morning. He asked the onlookers, "Why is this
man lying here?"
Someone answered, "He had no food to fill his stomach and is so hungry
that he is lying on the ground to catch his breath."
The rich youngster said, "Since he has nothing to eat? why didn't he
have a cup of ginseng decoction before leaving home in the morning? This would
support him for half a day."

A 
general who had gone out to battle was unable to stave off defeat when the God
of the Target appeared to join his ranks and turned the tables on the enemy.
Thereupon, the general kowtowed to the God and asked his name.

"I am the God of the Target."
"What have I done, my God, to deserve your assistance?"
"I've always been grateful to you," replied the God of the
Target, " because in the old days when you were practicing archery on the
drilling ground, you never once hit me with your arrows."

Master
Ai had a grandson about ten years old. As he was wicked and not eager to learn,
his grandfather often gave him a good caning. In spite of the punishment, the
boy refused to mend his ways. His father, therefore, was awfully afraid this
only son of his would not long survive this frequent caning. So every time
Master Ai took his son to task, he would weep and intercede with his father for
his son. This usually infuriated Master Ai who would say:
" Do I know how to teach your son for you?"
With that he would cane the boy all the more. There was nothing the father
could do about it.
One snowy day, Master Ai, having caught his grandson pressing snowballs, made
him kneel down in the snow after stripping his coat off. The boy's father,
seeing that his poor son was shivering with cold and not daring to say a word,
took off his own coat and knelt down beside his son. Very much surprised, Master
Ai inquired:
" Your son is guilty and deserves punishment. But why on earth should
you kneel there beside him?"
"Since you're freezing my son to death," replied the father,"
I want to freeze yours to death. It's just tit for tat."
Master Ai was very much amused at these remarks and let the boy go.

A
man was very hungry, and went to buy cakes at a snack bar. When he finished a
cake, he found he hadn't had enough, and so ate a second one. He felt so hungry
that after eating six cakes in succession, he still hadn't satisfied his hunger.
Not till the seventh cake was eaten up, did he feel satisfied. Then, suddenly,
he had a feeling of regret.
"Ah, if I had known this before, I would have eaten the seventh cake first
and that would have been enough and there would not have been any need to eat
those six others."

There was a man who lived in great fear of his wife. Once he incurred the
wrath of his wife, who by way of punishment, was going to squeeze his fingers
between sticks.
"We have no sticks at home," said the man.
His wife consequently sent him over to their neighbor to borrow a pair. On his
way out, the man was heard grumbling. At that his wife instantly called him back
and asked:
"What the hell were you grumbling about?"
"Nothing," answered the man. "I was just saying we should have
our own instruments of torture."

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend
in the middle.
So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to
report the results.
"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or
so?"
"Why, yes," replied the man.
"And did you have sex while over there?"
The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."
The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was
afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this
country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"
The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"
"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you
must have an operation."
"An operation? What kind of operation?"
"We cut off your penis."
"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"
The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious
nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"
The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story,
diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.
He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend
another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this
disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors
might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he
received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent
physician.
After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the
examining room.
"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.
"Yes."
"And is it really incurable?"
"Yes, there is no known cure."
The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have
an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"
At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.
"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"
As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh,
those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of
is surgery!"
"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.
"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by
itself!"

In the Song Dynasty there was a Grand Commander who spoiled
his children. One day he came home and saw his son kneeling one the snow covered
ground without a coat on. Having asked his son the reasons for such behavior, he
discovered that his son own mother was punishing her grandson for a wrong-doing.
He then took off his own coat, and ordering the servants to tie him up, knelt
down on the snow covered ground beside his son.
His mother hearing abut this went to ask him what the matter
was.
You're making my son suffer and catch cold. So now I'll make
your son suffer and catch cold too!, said the Grand Commander.
 

A ferry boat was once crossing a river. Suddenly the boat struck a rock and
water relentlessly poured into the cabin. The passengers were frightened out of
their wits. Only one man sat calmly as if nothing had happened and even laughed
at the way the others were so alarmed.
"Don't worry! It's not our problem," the man said. "It doesn't
matter if it's leaking because it's not our boat."

A white guy, a Chinese guy, and a Hispanic guy are breaking out of jail. They
get all the way to the top of a hill, and at the bottom there is a barbed wired
fence. The white guy says, 'O.k. whatever happens when you hit the ground DON'T
SCREAM!'
The white guy goes first, he breaks a leg, doesn't scream. 
The Chinese guy goes he breaks a arm, doesn't scream. 
Then the Hispanic guy goes, and screams his head off! The other two ask him
why he screamed so he points at the fence and says, 'Looky, looky, balls on
hooky.'

At a crossroads in the countryside, there stood a temple
wherein was enshrined a statue of god carved in wood.
One day, a man was pursuing his way when he saw a ditch
before him. So he removed the statue from the temple and put it down lengthwise
to span the ditch. He stepped on it and crossed over. Then another man came
along. Unable to bear the sight of the statue lying in the ditch, he propped it
up and carrying it back to the temple restored it to its pedestal. Thereupon the
god accused of him of failing to burn incense and at once cursed him with a
splitting headache.
Bewildered, all the lectors of the Purgatory Judge asked
the god: "The man who trod on you had gone unpunished; yet the man who helped you up
has been cursed with a headache. Why?"
"Well," the god explained, "you ought to know that the kindhearted
people are the ones you can bully."

-->

The revered Mr. Yu had to move his bed several times during the night as the
rain began leaking in after a prolonged spell of wet weather. Seeing that
everything in the room was thoroughly soaked, his wife and children directed
their bitter complaint against him. The next morning he lost no time in sending
for a tiller who took considerable trouble in repairing the leaky roof. Soon
after the repairs were done, one fine and sunny day succeeded another for a
whole month. Morning and evening, he would look up at the roof and sigh: "It is just my hapless fate. No more rain right after I've got my roof
fixed. What a waste of money!"

There was once a very crafty and cunning thief who had all his life practiced
theft without ever being caught red-handed. Now he was getting old and his son,
fearing that his art of stealing might to be lost forever with his death, begged
him to disclose the secret of his success."There's no secret to be handed down to you, son," replied the old
thief. "Just go ahead and do it yourself, that's all."One evening, the young thief sneaked into the bedroom of a rich man. There he
found a large wardrobe which was by chance not locked. Hiding himself in the
wardrobe, he intended to wait until the master of the house had gone to sleep
and then come out and make off with whatever he could lay hands on. Hardly had
the master of the house gone to bed when he remembered that he had forgotten to
lock the wardrobe. So he immediately got up to fasten the lock. Trapped in the
wardrobe, the young thief did not know how to extricate himself. As the night
wore on, he was getting more desperate every minute until he hit upon an idea.
He then made a scraping sound with his fingers as if rats were gnawing
something. The sound awakened the sleeping man who, for fear that the rats might
gnaw holes in his clothes, sprang up from his bed to unlock the wardrobe and
chase the rats away. As soon as the door of the wardrobe was flung open, the
young thief sprang out from within and made good his escape."Oh, dad!" cried the young thief after he came home," why didn't you
tell me the secret of your success? I nearly paid the forfeit of my life. I
wonder what would have happened to me if I hadn't hit upon that bright idea of
mine.""That's it," replied his father. "This is all you need to know,
There's nothing else I can hand down to you. "A good teacher leads without compelling and inspires without elaborating. The
important thing is to have someone carry out your will.

A young loiterer from Wuling was known as a notorious liar. One day he fell
in with an old man in the marketplace.
"I've heard that you are a great liar," said the old man. "Just
show me how good you are at lying. "
"Oh, I have no time for that right now," replied the young man.
"I've just heard that they have drained the East Lake and everybody has
gone there to catch soft-shelled turtles. I'm going there myself to catch
some."
Believing him, the old man made a beeline for the East Lake. There, what greeted
his eyes was the boundless expanse of the waters of the lake. Then he realized
that he had been taken in.

In 1908, shortly before the death of the formidable
Empress Dowager, Tzu Hsi, Ferdinand Feghoot sentimentally tried to save her
doomed Chinese Empire. (He had ruled as the Emperor Fei Hu, 357-329 B.C.) Though
she paid no heed to his counsels, his mission was by no means an absolute
failure. He did save the life of her Master Chef, venerable Mao Shih-pen.
A young lion had escaped from the zoo, and the
Empress decreed that when it was cornered and shot it would be the piece de resistance
at a most splendid banquet. The top mandarins were invited, and the whole
diplomatic corps. After any number of delicate dishes were served, finally in
came Mao's masterpiece.
Everyone set to eagerly, and there was a sudden dead
silence. The dish tasted awful. The French ambassador actually spat his first
bite into his napkin.
The furious Empress had Mao dragged before her.
"Such insulting incompetence," she screamed, "must be
punished!" And she sentenced him to suffer the death of a thousand cuts.
Instantly, Feghoot threw himself at her feet. Be
merciful, Heavenborn!" he cried out. "Master Mao wasn't responsible.
Your political enemies have been spiking his tea with straight alcohol! He was
drunk without knowing it!"
"How do you know this?" she demanded.
"It was obvious," replied Ferdinand
Feghoot. "The poor old man couldn't even wok a strayed lion."

There were three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a
black guy, and a Chinese guy. They see a really attractive waitress and comment
on her good looks. They make a bet on who can get her to go out with them first.
The waitress overhears them, so she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I
heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who
can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."
So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate
cheese." The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.
The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress is like, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same
thing!"
Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist.
"Liver alone, cheese mine!"

While Pu Zhuanzheng was serving as county magistrate in Hangzhou, a sorcerer
begged for an audience. Though over 90 years of age, the sorcerer had the
complexion of a baby. Zhuanzheng was very glad to see the old man and inquired
of him the secret of long life.
" Well," said the sorcerer," my method is simple and easy to
follow. There's no taboo whatsoever. Just keep away from women, that's
all."
At this the magistrate mediated for some time and said: " In that case, what's the use of living to be one thousand years
old?"

Three guys were challenged by a girl who said,
"Whoever can make me scream the most gets $100.
The white guy goes in and comes back out in a half hour and says, "Damn! I just couldn't make her scream."
The black guy goes in for an hour but comes out saying, "Man, it is just not possible!"
Finally the Chinese guy goes in with a smile on his face. He returns after 10 minutes and forty screams.
Both the other guys say, "How in Hell did you do that?"
"Me play old trick," he says, "put hot sauce on my poker!

Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade
routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't
quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and
make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people
who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for
him.

"Not here!" they said. It was very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon
an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks
were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people
came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo
asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied, "Why honored sir, we always set off fireworks on the
Forts of Chu'Lai."

There was
an engagement between a poor man and a rich girl. The man's family was afraid
that the bride's family would not let her go through with the marriage. Spurred
on by his family, one day the man kidnapped his bride-to-be. But, in a rush, he
grabbed his fiancée's younger sister by mistake.
The girl's
family rushed out of the house and shouted, "You got the wrong one!"
However,
the younger sister said," Don't listen to them. You got the right one. Run
quickly!"

 

I'm a 3rd generation Cantonese-American and have pretty much forgotten the
language. Hey, I wasn't even raised with it spoken in my household, but I live
in a predominantly Asian neighborhood anyway. Well, Mormons, whom we all know
and love(*cough*), have to save their money during childhood so that they may go
on missionary expeditions when they hit seventeen years of age or so. Some even
become Urban Mormons, where they trek to distant(?) parts of Suburbia, seeking
converts. 
So, one day, there was a knock at my door. So upon answering, Lo! And Behold!
Who should be standing there, but two young, aspiring Jehovah's Witn-... I mean,
Mormon Missionaries. Both were Caucasian, and one was holding a copy of
Halston's Mandarin/English Dictionary. The Mormon holding the dictionary greeted
me in a foreign language, presumably Mandarin, which I didn't understand.
However, I chose to say nothing; I merely furrowed my brow and intensified my
gaze. Astute, as they were, the missionaries were quick to realize that I had
not comprehended a single word they said, so they squabbled: 
Missionary #1: I told you he wasn't Mandarin. 
Missionary #2: Apparently not. He's probably wondering what we're trying to
say. 
Missionary #1: Maybe he's Vietnamese. 
Missionary #2: (Pulls out Vietnamese/English Dictionary.) Perhaps. The Word
of God was meant to reach all tongues. 
So the second Missionary repeated his greeting in Vietnamese. I only shrugged
my shoulders. The other Mormon pulled out a Japanese Dictionary, assuming that I
might have been the same. Again, I merely shrugged, and we ran the same gauntlet
for the Korean language. 
I had to admit, though, that I began to tire of this game. Taking a deep
breath, I shouted, "YOU DAMN FOREIGNERS! WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU
CAME FROM AND STOP TAKING OUR JOBS?!?" 
With that, I slammed the door in a grandiose fashion and couldn't stop
laughing for two hours afterward. 
T.S. Elliot (who wrote the book that Cats was based on) had a more novel
method of dealing with door-to-door missionaries. One day, some Jehovah's
Witnesses showed up on his doorstep with a can and said, "Money for
Jehovah?" To which Elliot responded, "Great! I'm Jehovah! How much
have you gathered for me?" 
They left in a huff.

-->

Once
there was a man named Qi Yan who had a pussy cat, and believing it to be rare, named
it "Tiger Cat."
One of his guests said, "Brave as a tiger is, it is not so vigorous as a
dragon. Why not name it Dragon Cat?"
Another one suggested, "No doubt a dragon is more vigorous than a lion, yet
a dragon needs the aid of floating clouds to soar up into the sky. Aren't clouds
more noble than a dragon? You'd better call it Cloud Cat."
A third reasoned, "It's true that clouds can cover the sky, but they
scatter the moment the wind appears. Wind is more powerful than clouds, so name
your cat Wind Cat."
A fourth argued, "However strong the wind is, it is blocked wherever there
is a wall, Wall Cat would be much better."
A fifth made his suggestion: "As solid as a wall is, a mouse can make a
hole in it. A wall will no longer be strong if there are holes. How can a wall
be a match for a mouse? My advice is to call it Mouse Cat."
An old man in the village overheard the men arguing and laughed. "Ah! It's
a cat that catches mice. A cat is a cat. Why bother naming it after something
else and making it lose its own identity?"

How do Chinese parents name their kids?
The parents take a couple of dishes with them and head upstairs. They reach
the top of the stairs and throw the dishes downstairs.
"CHING!!! CHONG!!!"
 

-->

I was staying in a large apartment park, where half the population of Seattle
can be found in 5 square block. For the Chinese New Year, it is traditional for
every family to light fireworks, All the people were on one side of the street
and all the fireworks were done on the other side. Many images came to mind...
a. Take the most powerful fireworks mankind has ever made, give them to a bunch
of 10 year old kids, and confine them to a space of 15 square feet.
b. About 1 in 10 fireworks would drift over into the crowd and blowup.
c. The Noise...roughly 1000 firecrackers going off per second, and 10x that
going off from other places around the city. Imagine having a truck 2 feet
behind you, beeping like crazy, and you not realize it until the driver gets out
and tells you to move.
d. Crossing the Street, from the Crowd side to the Fireworks side is a once in a
life time experience. You not only have to worry about 200 kids Fire-grenades
coming your way, you also have to dodge traffic, which seams to be unaffected by the fireworks. The casualty rate for those who tried to
cross this divide, were slightly better than storming the beaches at Normandy.

There was a very stingy man who never gave entertainments at home. One day,
his neighbor obtained the use of his hall and gave a banquet there.
A passer-by who saw the scene of bustle and excitement asked the valet of the
stingy man: "Is your master entertaining his guests today?"
"Decidedly not, " answered the valet. " It'll be a generation
hence that you will hear of our master giving a dinner party. "
His master happened to overhear the remark and soundly berated him: "Who gave you leave to fix a date?"

One day a man went off to the market to buy rice.
Unfortunately, he lost the sack on the way. He went home and told his wife,
"The market is too busy today, and besides I lost our sack." 
His wife
asked nervously, "So, what about the money?"
"Oh, no problem. It's safe. I have tied it to the
bottom of the sack." 

Zhai Yongling had a mother who was a devout Buddhist. She would recite the
scriptures from morning to night.
One day, Yongling got an idea. He pretended to have something to talk to his
mother about so he called her while she was chanting the name of Buddha. His
mother heard Yongling calling her so she stopped and answered him. However he
kept on calling her.
His mother finally lost her temper and shouted: "Stop it! Why do you
keep calling me like that?"
Yongling laughed and replied:" Well, you see, mother, you get angry just
because I've called you a few times. Image how angry the Buddha will be when he
hears you chanting his name thousands of times a day."

A man had two pairs of boots, one with thick soles and the other with
thin soles. One morning, he made the mistake of putting one of each of the boots
on. While walking, he felt very uncomfortable. "How strange! How is it that
my legs aren't the same length today?" He said to himself in surprise.
A passer-by told him, "Your boots aren't a pair."
Hearing this he hurried home to change boots. But when he got home and saw the
other boots, he thought for a moment and said," There's no need to change. These
other two are not a pair either. One is thick and the other thin."

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turn stile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chop stick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite finger nails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. 
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.


 

Three guys, one Chinese, one French, and one Mexican
wanted to watch the Olympics but didn't have any money to buy tickets. The
Chinese guy suddenly got an idea and went home to fetch his bicycle.
He rode up to the security guard at the gate and yells, "China, bicycling!
Hurry, let me in, I'm late!" The guard, not wanting to jeopardize his job,
lets the Chinese guy through.
Seeing that this idea worked, the French guy runs home and grabs a long pole and
runs back to the security guard and yells, "France, pole vaulting! Let me
in, I'm late!"   The security guard lets the French guy through.
Seeing how great their ideas were, the Mexican runs home and grabs a chain link
fence, wraps the fence around his body and hops up to the security guard and
yells, "Mexico, fencing!"

A rascal had no money for the New Year's Day and this worried
his wife. The rascal said, "You may rest assured, everything will be all
right."
Later when he saw a barber passing by, he had a brainstorm,
and he thought up a clever scheme. He asked the barber to give him a hair cut.
"Could you cut my eyebrows off," said the rascal
after the barber had begun cutting.
When one of his brows was shaved, he shouted, "Barbers
never cut eyebrows! This is an unheard of absurdity!"  With these
words the rascal seized the barber by the collar, and took him to the court to
seek justice.
The barber was frightened, and had to pay 100 copper cash to
settle the matter. Having extorted the money, the rascal spent a happy New
Year's Day.
Seeing that one of her husband's eyebrows had disappeared,
his wife suggested, "you'd better
have the other day brow shaved off too."

"Don't you
understand what my next move is?", said the rascal. "This brow will be
left for the Lantern Festival."

There are two Jewish men sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost
exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among
themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish, asks them if
everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.
The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect
Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of
the store, also fluent in Yiddish.
"Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh.
He thinks we're teaching him English."

In a poor, rural farming province of China, a gas
station sold its gas for 150 yen per liter. Those few who had cars often would
barter their produce for the gas, instead of paying in cash. This worked,
provided the gas station manager allowed it, since, he couldn't always use the
motley collection of foodstuffs that would come in. A local cook, Chef Po, was
renowned for a special heavy cream sauce, which he sold for one yen per serving.
The manager loved the stuff, and always took Po's goods in exchange for the
fuel.
In time, the manager had to raise the price of
gasoline to two hundred yen. Chef Po, who could ill afford the increase, angrily
stormed up to the manager's office door and protested the price by flinging two
hundred spoonfuls of sauce against the door and walls. When the manager came in
later, he saw the mess, and cried, "Who did this?"
The attendant said," It was Po! He was very
angry at the price increase. What shall we do if he comes back?"
The manager looked at him and growled, "Do not
gas Po! Do not collect two hundred dollops!"

There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his
farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."
The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"
The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to
buy wine without money."
After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle
to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."
Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can
I enjoy this?"
The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real
skill to enjoy wine When there is none."
Choking, the rich man was unable to utter a word.

Two bass players were overheard by an opera patron in
the front row discussing the relative merits of the Chinese restaurant they had supper the night before. 
The patron complained to the house manager, who apologized and offered to refund the ticket as a
gesture of goodwill. Incensed, the patron retorted, "what about that lousy meal I had at the Chinese restaurant your players
recommended??"

A friend of mine whose mother had recently passed away was seen eating red
glutinous rice on one rare occasion. A pedantic scholar who came to hear of this
expressed his disapproval by saying that it was highly improper for one in
mourning to eat red rice. Asked why, he explained that red signified happiness. 
Said my friend: " Does it mean that those who eat white rice are all in mourning?"

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans
Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."
Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously
Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt.
"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.
The Oriental explained in very broken English that when he landed in America
he was standing in the immigration line behind a German. When asked his name,
the German replied, "Hans Schmidt."
When the immigration official asked the Oriental his name, he replied,
"SAM TING."

A grocer once had a daughter born to him. One day a friend of his made
a match for his
baby girl, and told him the future husband was only one year
older than she was.
The grocer discussed this marriage in private with his wife. "Our daughter
is just one, the boy's age is the double of hers; when she is twenty and gets
married, her husband will be forty," he said. "How do we have the
heart to marry off our daughter to such an old husband?"
His wife smiled and said, "You're really dumb. Our daughter is now one year
old, in one years time she'll be the same age as the boy, now won't she?

A man named Zhang Xuze, after having his bed repaired and embellished,
wanted to show it off. As no one was likely to come into his bedroom to look at
it, he hit upon an idea. Pretending to be ill, he kept to his bed so that his
in-laws and friends might come over to see him.
His brother-in-law, You Yangzi, who had a pair of new stockings knitted, wanted
to show it off, too. The day he came over to see Zhang, he purposely tucked up
his robe as he sat down and lifted one leg, putting the ankle of it on the knee
of the other. 
Then he inquired: "Well, what's wrong with you?"

Zhang Xuzi, looking at him for some time, could not help smiling. "We have the same illness," was the reply.
 

Heard on Paul Harvey ("PAUL Harvey ............... good Day!") this morning:
When Coca-Cola was first introduced to China a short time ago, the company had some difficulty spelling the product's name in Chinese, while keeping the same pronunciation ("ko-ka ko-la") ... the first attempt translated to "bite the wax  tadpole."  Finally they arrived at something which translated to "may your mouth rejoice," and now Coke is selling quite a bit better.
 

A man went to the wine seller's at midnight to buy wine. The wine seller,
hearing several knocks at the door, said without opening it: "Just throw in your coppers through the crack in the door."
"But," inquired the man, "how are you going to get the wine
out?"
"Through the crack," was the reply.
At that the man laughed. 
"I'm not joking," said the wine seller," you see, my wine here is
quite thin. "

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese
restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building
with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. "Hans Olaffsen?", he
muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop
and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks,
"How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to
this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big
blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say,
"Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once
in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the
Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under
the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and
commenced a repeat performance.
The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished,
the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove
under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker
and started again!
The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided
to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took
a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.

A man who was going away for some time enjoined his son: "If anyone asks for me, you can tell him that your father has been called
away to attend to a minor matter and be sure to ask him in for a cup of
tea."
Afraid that his idiotic son might forget his instructions, he wrote them down
upon a slip of paper and gave it to his son, who tucked it into his sleeve and
took it out to look at every now and then.
Three days passed without anyone coming to see his father. Thinking that he had
no more use for that slip of paper, the boy committed it to the flames. On the
fourth day, however, an unexpected visitor dropped in.
"Where is your father?" asked the visitor.
The boy immediately put his hand into his sleeve and fished around for the slip
of paper. As he could not find it, he ejaculated:
"No More."
Taken aback, the visitor asked:
"No more? When did it happen?"
"Burnt last night."

A
and B were good friends. One day, B heard that A was ill and went to see him. He
asked the worried A, "What disease do you suffer and what do you want? Tell
me and I will try my best to help you out. "
"I'm suffering from a disease called Money Shortage Syndrome. Five grams of
silver is enough to cure my illness." A answered.
Pretending not to have heard him, B asked, "What did you say?"

During
the reign of Dali of the Tang Dynasty, a man named Feng Xile in Jingzhou was
very good at flattery. He once had an audience with the magistrate of Changlin
County and was treated to dinner.
"You are so kind that even the tigers and wolves are moving away," he
told the magistrate.
Just then one of the magistrate's aides came to report that someone was eaten by
a tiger last night. The magistrate asked why and Feng Xile answered, " It
was merely passing by.

Chinese Phrase           
English Translation


Ai Bang Mai Ne
I bumped into the coffee table


Ar U Wun Tu
A gay liberation greeting


Chin Tu Fat
You need a face lift


Dum Gai
A stupid person


Gun Pao Der
An ancient Chinese invention


Hu Flung Dung
Which one of you fertilized the field?


Hu Yu Hai Ding
We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive


Jan Ne Ka Sun
A former late night talk show host


Kum Hia
Approach me


Lao Ze Sho
Gilligan's Island


Lao Zi
Not very good


Lin Ching
An illegal execution


Moon Lan Ding
A great achievement of the American space program


Ne Ahn
A lighting fixture used in advertising signs


Shai Gai
A bashful person


Tai Ne Bae Be
A premature infant


Tai Ne Po Ne
A small horse


Ten Ding Ba
Serving drinks to people


Wan Bum Lung
A person with T.B.


Yu Mai Te Tan
Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you.


Wa Shing Kah
Cleaning an automobile


Wai So Dim
Are you trying to save electricity?


Wai U Shao Ting
There is no reason to raise your voice



 

Once there was an old grandmother who believed in taboo. On
New Year's Year's Day and other festival days, she would try only to say nice
things, and never let the word "no" rashly fall from her mouth.
One lunar New Year's Day, as soon as the granddaughter passed
her a bowl of sweet rice porridge. She drank it up joyfully.
"Grandma, will you take
another bowl of rice porridge?", asked the granddaughter.
"All right,"
replied the grandmother.
The little girl passed her the second bowl of rice porridge
and quickly she drank it.
"Some more rice porridge?",
asked the granddaughter.
The grandmother thought that during New Year's Day she
couldn't say "no",
and so she replied promptly, "O.K., I'll drink a third bowl."
In this way the grandmother drank six bowls, and her stomach was like a
big drum.
The little girl who wasn't very sensible still asked
persistently. "Grandma, would you like to drink
some more sweet rice porridge?"
The grandmother couldn't help shaking her hand, and said
hurriedly, "No, no, no more, no more!"
If I drink any more, I'll bloat me to death."

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitred' that there
will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. He goes
into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" 
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." 
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says,
"Once upon time was *four* little pig..."

Once there was a debate between two countries, USA
and China, one thousand years ago. 
Ten distinguished people from each country met
in the Himalayas for the debate. The debate was on who was most important - the
sun or the moon. Each side presented their arguments and counter-arguments for
days but they could not settle.  Finally on the 11th day the Americans defeated
the Chinese in the debate and concluded that it was the moon which was more
important than the sun, "because the moon gives us light in the night when
it is dark, but sun gives us light in the day-when it is not necessary!!"

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy.
"You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in
charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of
supplies."
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a
dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when
he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why
didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was
in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then
the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman
replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in
charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind
the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!"

While riding a taxi, If you should ever get the notion to open the window and
stick your hand out, you will knock over the first bicyclist, where upon hitting
the ground will be run over by the second bicyclist.
If ever going from point A to point B, it is faster to drive on the wrong side
of the street, your taxi drive will.
While riding from point A to point B in a taxi, you will spend roughly 20% of
the time driving, 15% to beeping the horn, 40% to changing lanes, 15% driving on
the sidewalk, & 10% driving in the wrong lane.
U-turns, though dangerous are permitted in China; luckily taxi drivers will use
extra precautions, like waiting until rush hour traffic, and they will only
attempt u-turns in carefully selected places, like busy intersections.
A taxi driver will wiz by within 1 foot of a pedestrian, come within 6 inches of
a bicyclist, yet swerve violently 2 lanes to miss a pot hole.
Taxies have a auto-regulating temperature, whereby if a passenger opens a window
to cool off, the driver's hand will slowly move over to turn on the heater; Yet
if the passenger turns on the heater, the driver's hand will slowly open his
window.
Traffic jams are common, but Chinese drivers believe traffic jams can be cured
by the sonic harmony of every car's horn.
Foreigners need to be careful when speaking their native tongue, for some phrases translate irregularly.
For example,
1. When speaking to a taxi driver..."Verooom please hurry" translates
to ..."Please go through every red light, and get real close to that
pedestrian."
2. "I speak English" translated by a taxi driver
means "Please take the long expensive route" Taxi companies only purchase luxury cars, whereby after the passenger is in,
there remains a spacious 1 cubic foot to put his luggage. 
In any taxi the handle for the Turn signal will be pristine and untouched, yet
the horn will be worn down to the nub. Taxi drivers have many options when changing lanes, after they change lanes
they can either...
A. Look in their rear view to see if
they cut anyone off, or
B. Listen for the other driver's horn.
By Robert Brownell

 
A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the
doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being
born." 
The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why
don't you know what color the child is going to be?" 
"Well", says
the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was
conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is." 

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most
unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes
the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the
actors Chinese?" 
"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman. 

"Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they
seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"
 "Yes, doctor he
was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the
actors Asian?"
 "Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby
free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy
"Waaaahh" and starts crying. 
"Oh, thank God for that!", says
the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

An old mouse chanced to see a cat wearing a few beads round her neck.
"Ah," said the mouse with joy, "that cat has turned vegetarian."
Thereupon, he brought his offspring along to pay a call on the cat to express
their gratitude. No sooner had they appeared than the cat gave a deep howl and
devoured several mice in rapid succession. The old mouse turned tail in the nick
of time and made good his escape. 
Sticking out his tongue, he cried: "My, my! That pussy is even more ferocious after turning vegetarian."

 
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique
that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take
the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats
emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over
his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer
drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at
least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He
walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from
sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at
his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics
and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not
just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the
water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a
mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he
hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can
heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
lawyer."
 

Jones: "The Chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts
on New Years Day."
Smith: "So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a
Christmas the week before."

 
A man was traveling through the jungle for days growing tired he passes by a
house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After knocking
on the door an old Chinese guy with a beard that reached the floor answers. The
man asked him if he could stay the night and the Chinese guy agreed as long as
he didn't screw his granddaughter. Before the guy could agree the old man warned
him that if he did he would perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him.
The guy says o.k. and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner the man meets the granddaughter and she is the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. So after he figured the old man was asleep he
went into her room and made love to her.
The next morning the man awoke with a 100lbs rock on his chest with a sign
"first Chinese torture wake up with 100 pound rock on chest". Being a
strong man he thought nothing of it and picked up the rock and threw it out the
window but on the back of the rock there was another sign reading "2nd Chinese
torture, right ball tied to rock". Thinking quickly the man jumped out the
window but on the other side of the window there was another sign reading 3rd Chinese
torture test left nut tied to bed post"...

A Scholar rented a room from a monastery
to use for study. In fact, he played all around instead of studying. One
afternoon, he suddenly came back and called the page boy to fetch him a book. At
first, the page boy fetched the Liang Dynasty Wenxuan. He looked at the book and
said," Too low." Then, he brought the scholar the classic History of the
Han Dynasty, but the answer was still "Too low." Finally, he brought a
third famous classic, the Records of the Historian, but the answer was still
"Too low."
A monk, very astonished by this,
confronted the scholar," Generally, if a person masters one of these great books
in a lifetime he is considered well-learned. Why do you say these classics are
low books?"
"I'm trying to find a book that's
just the right height to use as a pillow," the scholar replied," these are
all too low."

Cunning Chinese scientists invented fireworks centuries
before Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. Their favorite little
sparkler was a plunder-triggered land mine known as "Underground
Sky-Soaring Thunder." Anyone that plucked up the plunder got triggered sky
high on a wave of thunder.
Floating marine mines were invented by the Chinese in
the 14th century, using inflated ox bladders. In this century they have
cunningly invented marine "Smart" Mines too, mines smart enough to
border on the brilliant.
Actually, they extend a little beyond the border.
Chinese Smart Mines can tell the difference between Carriers and Love Boats.
They can even spot the X in the plosion where the damage would be the most exasperating.
That's pretty sophisticated for a government that pays people to cut grass with
stainless steel scissors.
Smart Mines are dangerous even if they don't get loose
into the open sea. Recent history tells us that just 1,000 Iraqi sea mines
decided military strategists against an amphibious invasion in Desert Storm, and
Hussein is so far behind the times that he still uses goats to keep the grass
trimmed.
The Pentagon doesn't need my advice on how to trim
grass on the Carriers. But obviously my skills are required by the grass-roots
politicians who are just blowing hot smoke when it comes to defending us from a
Chinese invasion.
"Whoa, come on now, their sam-pans would never
make it across the ocean in one piece!"
You are right to be so sarcastic of course, which is
why their Smart Mines are designed to let Love Boats in -- and out. Love Boats
haul in chicken parts, Rice Krispies, and computer chips. Then the Love Boats
haul out scissors, wrenches, and fireworks for our use.
Sending us their War Surplus scissors is just a
friendly deception. It is those innocuous firecrackers that are carrying the
Real Invaders.
"For crying out loud, how many chinamen do you
believe can be hiding in a little bitty firecracker?"
I admit, the number is probably less than one. 
But let's face facts here.  During the 50th
anniversary of their revolution Beijing officials firmly announced development
of a helicopter the size of a wasp for its reconnaissance missions.  That
is positive proof of their powers of miniaturization.
Compare those powers to the best us can do: personified
in Lockheed's MicroStar.  It has only a six-inch wingspan and can do a
20-minute mission at speeds of up to 30 mph while relaying back a video signal. 
In Europe the Mainz Institute for micro technology has clearly shown that
experimental wasp-sized craft can really fly.  Obviously Beijing is ahead
of us in micro-electro-mechanical technology, the very same method used to
manufacture those tiny little microchips.
"Okay, so they are better than us.   So
what?"
You've heard of the French Connection?
Well, think of this as the Crabgrass Connection:
No.  They are not sending Chinese midgets over
here inside their firecrackers; The plot is far more sinister than that.
I believe they are infiltrating our shores with Chinese
Crabgrass.
Americans told them how to do it, of course. For years
now our scientists have used four-legged Johnny Appleseeds to help restore our
home on the range.
They do it by feeding cattle little gelatin capsules
filled with native grass seeds. A Department of Agriculture plant geneticist
indicates that as many as 55,000 seeds can be hidden in a single capsule!
These grass-loaded capsules pass through the kine in a
few days and plop out in a patty of pure fertilize, miles and miles away. The
sun opens the package, and the winds of nature broadcast the rest.

Chinese Fireworks don't have to wait on the wind to
spread their seeds.
A blast, poof,
and who's to even notice the tatters floating down?

Evidence supporting my belief in the Crabgrass
Connection is pretty damning: With 628,000,000 pounds of herbicide being used in
the United States every year, some of the crabgrass ought to be disappearing.
But you know as well as I do, you have more crabgrass in your yard than ever.
You can smell those seeds coming from somewhere, and it isn't Denmark.
When is the last time you bought a firecracker that was
not made in China? The fact is, last year we bought over 79,000,000 pounds of
fireworks from Communist China, miniaturizing champion of the world.
Is there any way to check all of them for that
sprinkling of Chinese Crabgrass seeds?
Indeed, are ANY of these firecrackers checked
thoroughly?
Any country that would sow the seas with Smart Mines
would sow our sod with crabgrass with even less scruples showing. And they would
not hesitate a second just because we shoot off their fireworks on New Year's
Eve and the 4th of July, either.
That is twice a year (once before crabgrass germination
time and once during the flowering season) that we explode their little caches
in displays of ecstatic loyalty right
over the top of our Nation's Capital.
{With every blast the seeds of destruction are being
scattered all over Washington. Why some of that crabgrass must fall right on the
White House lawn itself.} Meanwhile, all the evidence is blown sky-high by our
own hands in dazzling bursts of star spangled affection.
The state capitols and other large cities are scarcely
less ecstatic with their displays.
From shore to shining shore, 98% of the
fireworks we import from China is exploded in less than eight hour bursts. If
just one cracker in a thousand is popping with half a load of Chinese Crabgrass
it is easy to explain why we now need second-rate scissors from China more than
they do!

After a party, the guests discussed how far they
needed to travel before they could reached their beds. One particularly drunk
guest said, "I'm the nearest."
A few other guests muttered: "No, the host is the
nearest." The drunk guest mumbled: "Not so. He has to walk all the way to
his bedroom. All I have to do is to collapse on the floor here."

The elder of two brothers hoeing in the fields went home
first to prepare lunch. When the meal was ready, he loudly called his brother to
come home.
His brother shouted back, "I'll come back after
hiding the hoes in the bushes beside the fields."
During lunch, the elder said to the younger, "You know,
where we hide our hoes is a secret. If you say it so loud like that someone will
hear it and steal them."
After lunch, the younger went to the field to continue
his work. However, the hoes had been stolen. He rushed back and whispered to the
elder, "The hoes have been stolen."

Ma Xin, a magistrate's assistant in the County of Changzhou, was a native of
Shandong Province. One day, he went by boat to call on his superior.
"Where have you moored your boat?" inquired his superior.
"In the river, sir," came the reply.
This infuriated his superior who snapped: "Straw sack!"
At that Ma Xin hastily added: "The straw sacks are all in the boat, sir."

It is said: "A thief is a person of low position, but he can outwit a man of
noble character."

In the Shuifu Temple of my county, there was a big hanging bell. Once some
countrymen from Baling came down the river and moored their boat nearby. They
wanted to steal the bell with which to cast farming tools. Between them they
removed the bell from the belfry and lowered it onto the ground. Having stuffed
the bell with mud, they smashed it into pieces and carried the fragments away
with shoulder poles. Not a sound was heard by the villagers in the neighborhood.

Again I heard of a thief who broke into a house in broad daylight and stole a
chime stone. * When he stepped out the door into the street, he fell in with the
master of the house coming home.

"Grandpa," the thief greeted him and asked, " do you want to buy
a chime stone?"

"No, thanks," replied the old man, " I already have one at
home."

Thereupon, the thief walked off with what he had stolen. It was only when the
old man looked for his chime stone toward evening that he realized the man had
stolen it.

Another story goes that a man was walking along the street with a cauldron on
his back when he felt a call of nature. He put it on the ground to pass water.
It so happened that a thief walking by saw it. Surreptitiously he took it and
putting it on his head stood there and passed water also. When the owner of the
cauldron finished and looked for it, he could not find it anywhere.

"How careless of you!" the thief blamed him. "You see the
cauldron on my head? I put it there to guard against theft. Imagine putting
yours on the ground. No wonder it was stolen."

The above incidents show that thieves are crafty and can outwit men of noble
character.

There were 3 brothers from China, Bu, Chu and Fu. When they moved to America,
they decided to change their names.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
And Fu...
well, he had to go back to China.
 

A
rich man invited four friends to a banquet to celebrate his birthday. It was
already noon-time, but only Zhang, Wang and Li had come; his friend Zhao did not
appear, even though they waited a long time.
The rich man said anxiously, "Why isn't the one who should have come
here?"
His friend Zhang, an impetuous person, was very much upset at his words and said
to the rich man, "If the one who should have come isn't present, then I am
the one who should not have come. All right, good-bye." And with this, he
went away in a huff.
The rich man then said, even more anxiously, "The one who should not have
left has left."
These words aroused Wang's suspicion, so he said, "You said the one who
should not have left has left. Does that imply that I am the one who should have
left? All right, I have to say good-bye, too."
The remaining friend, Li, advised the rich man goodheartedly, "You should
learn what to say and what not to say; otherwise, you will annoy your guests and
send them away without your wishing it."
The rich man, hearing this, said, "Those two are too suspicious and
misunderstood my words. I didn't mean them."
Now it was Li's turn to flare up. "So it is I who should not have come; it
is also I who should have left." And with this, away he went.

Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, "The
difference between the Soviet Union and China is that I rose to power from the
peasant class, whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class."
Zhou replies, "True. But there is this
similarity. Each of us is a traitor to his class."
 

Two Chinese women were sitting in a bar when they saw two guys fighting over
which culture is smartest. When the women heard this they went over and the
first lady said," We know a way to figure out which culture is the
smartest."
The second lady answered, "Yes we do. The way you figure it out is by
seeing which culture uses the less utensils in eating." The men quickly
agreed to listen to the women.
The first lady said," Well the Indians use their hands to eat but their
hands have five fingers each so they use ten utensils to eat. They aren't the
smartest so next come the Americans. They use a fork but there are four tongs on
the fork, so they use four utensils. Now come the Chinese. We use chopsticks and
there are only two sticks so we are the smartest."
As the lady finished the men sat puzzled for a second then agreed that
Chinese were the smartest.
As they left, the second lady said to the first, "That was a good way to
get a date and them thinking that we are the smartest."
That teaches us that Chinese are the smartest culture.

A friend told me that many of the servers in Chinese restaurants are brought to the U.S. by a company that specializes in "importing" Chinese immigrants.
They are hired in their home land, brought to the U.S., trained in restaurant work, and hired out to restaurants for a period of several years
to pay off the transportation and training costs. Sort of like the indentured servants of the American colonial period. The immigrants receive
transport and training, the restaurants receive pre-screened, trained staff, and the company turns a profit.
After hearing this, it seems to me that name of the company should be obvious: "Hunan Resources."

A man wearing a felt hat was walking under the broiling sun of midsummer.
When he came upon a tall tree by the roadside, he decided to take a rest under
its leafy shade. 
Taking off his felt hat and fanning himself with it, he said: "Thanks to this felt hat. I would have had a heatstroke without it."

There once was an old man aged 50, who had a lazy son aged 30. The son
couldn't earn his own living, and still depended on his old father for food and
clothing.
The old man was very worried about him, so he took him to the fortune teller to
have his fortune told. The father and son both belie
the fortune teller's prediction that the father would live to 80 and the son to
62.
After having found out how long they were going to live the son was very sad.
His father comforted him.
"Don't be so sad! You are only 30 now, and still have 32 years of good days
ahead of you." 
"I'm not worrying about my own age. It's just your age
which causes me great anxiety," the son said.
Upon hearing his words, the father was deeply moved, and in tears said,
"Don't worry about me so much I've got 30 years ahead of me too."
"I'm not worried about your age either," said the son, "I have
figured out that you'll die two years earlier than I. So whom will I depend on
in the two years after your death?"

During the Wu Han Dynasty, the imperial court had an articles of tribute
which included a glass of wine that was supposed to give the drinker eternal
life. One day, a guy named Dongfang Shuo drank some of the wine thinking that
nobody had seen him. Unfortunately, the King learnt about his act and was
furious. He decided to put Dongfang Shuo to death.
Dongfang Shuo pleaded the King: "My Lord, the wine I drank was supposed to
give me eternal life. That means I wouldn't die even if you kill me. If I should
die, then the wine is not the real wine of eternal life."
The King was amused by what Dongfang Shuo said and he pardoned him.

The government of China announced today, that they would be removing all
telephones from their country. After 6 months of hard lobbying, the organization
for Independent Speech has convinced Chinese politicians to take this action.
They argued that there are too many Wings and Wongs and that many people are
becoming annoyed when others Wing the Wong number.

Once upon a time, in a remote area of inland China,
there was a nomadic tribe. This tribe had been visited by missionaries, and one
of the missionary couples had a son named Everett. He grew up among these
Chinese nomads and learned their dialect. He was loved dearly by everyone in the
tribe.
One day, another neighboring group of nomads came
seemingly out of nowhere and attacked the settlement, killing a number of
people, including all of the adult missionaries. They took their male children
alive and brought them back to their own settlement as hostages.
After a few weeks in captivity, Everett managed to
escape and to lead the other kidnapped children safely back to their parents.
The nomads were glad to see the children return, but this did not satisfy their
desire for revenge. Everett proved helpful here as well. He had studied the
layout of the other tribe's village, and knew the weak points in their defense.
Soon, the tribe was ready to get revenge on their
enemy. They sent the adults and older children out in several companies. Everett
begged to go along, since he was a teenager and almost as old as the youngest of
their fighters. He, too, wanted revenge for the death of his parents. The
tribe's leaders agreed, and since he knew the layout of the enemy village, he
helped lead one of the companies.
They took the enemy completely by surprise. The
slaughter was great. But, sadly, Everett was mortally wounded in the attack. The
army returned to their village with heavy hearts, because Everett was the last
of the missionary visitors, and had helped them so much. The people wanted to
honor him with Wu Xia, a burial ritual of their tribe. The ceremony involved
mummifying the body and placing it in a tomb with various kinds of colorful
flowers. However, there was a problem.
Because Everett was not a native of the tribe, the
tribal council had to register the request for Wu Xia with the village clerk,
Pad. Pad had critically wounded in the battle, and was resting in his tent. As
long as he was still alive, their tribal law prohibited them from selecting a
replacement for him. Also, Wu Xia had to be started before sundown, and it was
already getting rather late.
The people had gathered in the center of the village
to wait for the council to begin the ceremony, and were getting rather
impatient. So some of the council members went to Pad's tent. He was too weak to
move his hand to sign the registration form. But the council members put the
writing implement in Pad's hand and moved it for him, so that they could say he
had actually signed the form himself.
The council members brought the form to the council
chairman, Wang Wei Gong, who then motioned the tribe to be silent, and
announced:
"I'm pleased to tell you today that we have
Pad's registration allowing Wu Xia for Everett. We begin embalming in 5
minutes."

Yo momma is so stupid, she thought that ping pong balls are a venereal
disease from China.

You eat rice for breakfast.
Your friends and everybody else assume you know Kung Fu.
You remember or still use "the bowl" for haircuts.
Your folk’s kitchen have a constant lingering aroma.
You notice the main topic at family get-togethers is food.
Your parent’s lifelong ambition is to go to Las Vegas.
You never ever sat down on Popo’s warm chair after she got up.
You seldom ever owned new clothes if you were a second child.
Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings.
You never made the school football or basketball team.
You have two middle initials instead of one.
You have an inherent "fear" for bamboo feather dusters.
Your "hot" date is going to your parent’s house to have "jook".
Your living room sofas have covers on them.
You laugh at Kan Tong and Chung King commercials.
You inform the ticket clerk that your 13 year old is 12 to avoid paying
adult fare.
You sneak in snacks at the movie theater.
Your grandmother smell like mothballs.
You’d bring home a Caucasian friend and "popo" would be
cooking something that smelled like it had died a week ago.
You were told you all look alike.
You know how to pinch someone with your toes.
You graduated from UCI or knows of someone who did.
You would drive around the block 10 times rather than pay for parking.
You have a hard time pronouncing "aluminum" and "lobster
claw".
You truly believe that your neighbor could use that old sweater rather
than throwing it away.
You would take that sweater if you were your neighbor.
You would stand in line for hours and hours for a free gift whether you
needed it or not.
You have clothes in your closet that is coming back in style.
You’ve seen every Bruce Lee movie.
You still have your old slide rule.
You never order chop suey or egg foo young.
You have a relative or friend who works as a waiter or cook.
You prefer your chicken and shrimp served with heads and feet still
attached.
You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
You spit bones and other food scraps on the table (that’s why you need a
vinyl tablecloth).
Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
You buy on sale 100 rolls of toilet paper and store them in a closet or in
a vacant room when your adult child moves out.
You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas when its 50% off.
Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
Your stove is covered with tin foil.
You have stuff in your freezer since the beginning of time.
You have never used your dishwasher.
You use your dishwasher as a dish rack.
You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times.
You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
You eat all meals in the kitchen.
You bring oranges or other produce with you as a gift when you visit
peoples homes.
You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every
time you stay in a hotel.
You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully to save and reuse wrappings and
bows.
You feel like you’ve won the lottery if you didn’t have to pay tax for
an item.
You starve yourself all day before going to an all you can eat buffet.
You stop dialing 411 information when they started to charge for each
call.
You only call long distance after 11 PM.
You suck on salty preserved seeds for a sore throat.
You keep a stash of Li Hing Mui at home.
Your eyes resemble dime slots when you laugh.
You know what the term "FOB" and "ABC" means.
You laugh at Martin Yan’s jokes not because he’s funny.
Your parents have a glass jar of preserved limes aging on top of the roof.
You own a wok.
You know what a "bow" is…and it doesn’t mean to bend over.
You never eat fried foods when you’re sick (it creates phlegm and hot
air).
You would prefer your fish entree staring at you on the dinner table.
You never discuss your love life with your parents.
Your parents still use a clothes line.
You save your old coke bottle glasses even though you’re never going to
use them again.
You keep most of your money in a savings account.
You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
You’ve joined a CD club at least once.
You keep used batteries.
You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
You’re always late.
You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don’t eat the last
piece of food on the table.
You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
Your dad thinks he can fix anything.
You live with your parents and over 30 years old (and they like it that
way). And if you’re married, you live in the apartment next to your
parents, or in the same neighborhood.
Your parents house is always cold.
You beat eggs with chopsticks.
You never use measuring cups.
You reuse tea bags.
You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
You never call your parents to say hi.
You always cook too much.
Your parents always ask you if you’ve eaten, even though it’s
midnight.
Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you’re sick.
You have a drawer full of used pens, most of which don’t write anymore.
You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurant.
Your parents never go to the movies.
You notice at dances, a wall of guys standing together trying to look
cool.
You iron your own shirts.
You play a musical instrument.
You don’t own any real Tupperware, only used margarine tubs, takeout
containers, and jam jars.
You never leave any leftovers on the table in a restaurant. You have it
put in boxes or finish it.
Your ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard in the refrigerator are all
"Price Club-size".
You have an assortment of condiments and utensils from fast food takeouts
stuffed in a drawer.
You never order for room service.
You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine, or law.
Your parents are never satisfied with your grades.
You own a rice cooker.
You buy rice in 50 pound sacks.
You wash rice 2 to 3 times before you cook it.
You steam something on top of your rice while its cooking.
You have acquired a taste for bitter melon.
You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
You always carry a stash of food when you travel like preserved plums,
beef jerky, or dried cuttlefish.
Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their
guests brought to be courteous.
You know what MJ means.
You pick your teeth at the dinner table, but you cover your mouth.
You have a piano in the living room.
You live in an apartment and your parents always want you to come home.
You have a rice cooker to check in at the airport when you travel.
You grow your own bean sprouts in the kitchen.
Your mother made you peel water chestnuts and snow peas.
You have an lonely unmarried relative who frequently drops by during
dinner time.
You received little red envelopes containing money on special occasions.
You use the underside of a porcelain bowl to sharpen your knives.
You cut your own hair…or had someone in your family do it.
Your grandmother has a lot of gold teeth…especially in front.
You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times.
You know what the term "lemon" or a "banana" means.
You only have to shave every other day (maybe).
You tell your friends that you’re starting a new mustache when you
really had it for several months.
You wash and reuse ziplock bags.
You save your children’s halloween candy and give it out the next year.
You either love or hate "mooncakes".
You know at least three people named Alan Wong.
Your parents constantly complain you use too much toilet paper when you go
to the bathroom.
You hated that black herb medicine that your parents forced you to drink
when you were sick.
Your parents have kitchen towels made of old cloth rice bags.
You never drank milk after eating cherries.
You’ve swallowed those tiny "BB’s" with hot tea for a tummy
ache.
Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
You’ve asked your parent’s help on one math problem and 2 hours later
they’re still lecturing.
You shop at 99 Ranch Markets.
Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friend’s kids.
You’ve had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian
women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library.
You’ve had to eat parts of animals that they don’t even put in
hotdogs.
You have piles of shoes and slippers blocking the entrances to your home.
You have no eyelashes!
Your idiot friends try to impress you with pathetic imitation languages,
like the ever so popular "ching chong woo bok chi"…etc.
Your biology lecture on marine life (seaweed, octopii, sea cucumbers,
etc.) was last night’s dinner.
You have at least one family member who wears black wire or plastic framed
glasses.
You have several relatives who wear glasses…thick glasses.
You like $1.75 movies
You like $1.50 movies even more!
Your parents never kissed you…your parents never
kissed each other.
Your friends ask you to translate the scribbles on chopsticks (like you
really know what it means!).
You call all your parents friends "auntie or uncle".
You get nothing if you do well in school, but get in big trouble if you
don’t.
Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees…you know, the ones with
the blue and pink stripes at the top.
Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can
"grow" into them and wear them for years to come.
Your family always cheer for the Asian athlete competing (eg. Michael
Chang, Michelle Kwan, etc).
Your parents or relatives have goldfish swimming in an aquarium.
Your first generation relatives have a statue of an obese, bald-headed man
surrounded by children.
Your parents collect jade jewelry.
Your friends from China think anything from the old country is considered
"good stuff".
You know not to eat the oranges or tangerines arranged in a little
pyramid.
You always drink tea after a meal.
Your dad owns at least one bird.
Your parents grow vegetables in a garden.
You use doilies to decorate your furniture.
Your friends automatically assume you’re good at math.
You are good at math!!! (the hell with humility).
You know how to pick out the meat in watermelon seeds with your teeth.
Your grandmother rapped your knuckles with her chopsticks while reaching
food with your fingers.
You are now planning to Email this list ASAP to another Chinese friend!

 

China - Ah... Capitalism is alive and well in China as a southern Chinese
hospital sells livers from executed prisoners to wealthy Asian transplant
patients. 
A Hong Kong newspaper reported on Sunday that undercover reporters were urged
to book a liver from a good young prisoner during the current spate of mass
executions that precedes the Chinese New Year. 
Our experience tells us that there are many organs before the Lunar New Year,
a doctor from the Sun Yat Sen University Hospital in Guangzhou told the South
China Sunday Morning Post. If you miss this chance, you may have to wait until
Labor Day. China has always insisted that donations are voluntary. But doctors
from the hospital told the Post that consent was not required for criminals and
most organs came from executed prisoners. 
The hospital, which subsequently denied the doctors´ comments, charges about
20,000 pounds for a liver transplant.