To my darling wife:

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 356 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is in average of once every ten days.
The following is a list why I did not succeed more often.
1 We will wake the kids 34 times
2 It is too late 15 times
3 I am too tired 12 times
4 It is too early 12 times
5 It is too hot 18 times
6 Pretending to be asleep 18 times
7 The neighbours will hear 6 times
8 Headache and / or backache 28 times
9 Your mother will hear us 9 times
10 Not in the mood 21 times
11 Watching the late show 17 times
12 Too sore 26 times
13 New hairdo 6 times
14 Wrong time of month 14 times
15 You had to go to bathroom 10 times
16 Sunburn 10 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the result was not always satisfying
because:
6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there is a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry and get over with it 7 times I had to
wake you to tell you I had finished
And once I was afraid I had hurt you because you started thrashing
around and breathing heavy.

To my darling husband:

I think things are a little bit confused. Here are the reasons you did
not get more than you did.
1 Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 14 times
2 Did not come home at all 35 times
3 Did not come 21 times
4 Came too soon 33 times
5 Went soft before came in 19 times
6 Cramp in your legs 16 times
7 Working too late 38 times
8 Had yeast 'probably from the toilet seat' 29 times
9 Caught it in your zipper 15 times
10 Had a 'cold' - nose kept running 21 times
11 Coffee was too hot, burned your tongue 9 times
12 Had a problem in your finger 11 times

The reason I lay still, was because you missed me and were screwing
the sheet. You seemed to having such a good time, I did not want to
move and ruin it for you. I was not talking about the crack in the
ceiling -- what I said was 'Would you like me on my back or kneeling'.
The time I was thrashing around was because you had farted and I was
fighting for air!