A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came
to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

The 1st Affair: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

There was this couple that had been married for
20 years. Every time they made love the husband
always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
ridiculous. She figured she would break him of
this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a
wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights. She looked down ... and saw her
husband was holding a battery operated pleasure
device... a vibrator... soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. " You impotent
bastard, " she screamed at him, " how could you
be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says calmly:

" I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the
kids. "

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink. His
wife starts complaining that he's always at the pub and never takes
her anywhere anymore. After hours of complaining, the husband agrees
to take his wife to the pub.

They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get
drinks for himself and his wife. While he's gone a man walks up to
Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her
with beer and drink her dry.

Joe's wife exclaims, "You sick pervert! Get out of my sight!"

Joe returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to go
kick that guy's ass. Joe says, "No way. A guy who can drink that much
beer has got to have a pint on me!"

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were
spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress
- sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large,
silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped
on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and
pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The
husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a
little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars
down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell
him you have a headache."

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just
about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by
my fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her
husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he
had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window
right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I
had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the
husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On
my goddamned forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the
husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so
he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed
me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches
off the ground!''

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks over at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want
a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 55 mph. "And don't try to talk me out of it," he says, "because
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better
lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 65.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 75 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
80 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the
boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete wall. This makes
him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires. "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and the he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood. With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decides to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him," Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son!

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove
20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was
already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same
thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming
home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn
right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right
and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and
dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the
cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the
man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his
wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her
nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, If
I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to
live a normal life.

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he
sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and
sees his best friend. What's wrong?' he asks.

You gave me the wrong key!

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The Problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor. The child Should be in my custody." The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense ?" The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out... Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how
each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you,
because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought
these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Don't marry a computer engineer/computer expert
because this may happen.....

Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."

Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: SynSyntax Error. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found . . .

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card; I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters . . .

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.

Wife: What about you're Salary?
Husband: File in us

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable
near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What
are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him
naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this
hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you
leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no
reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together,
growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all
"mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his
eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes
storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the
mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male"
friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you
away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when
speaking to others as "She."

Q: What day of the week is the best day to get married?

A: Wednesday, because it's ''HUMP'' day!

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes haven't been done for two weeks!

Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I
shut off the engine and coast into the garage......... I take my shoes off
before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the
bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and says "AND WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS?"......................
His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's bum
and say, "How about a blow job??"....and she's always sound asleep."

Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

Husband: "Definitely not!"

Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

Husband: "Of course I do."

Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

Husband: "okay, ... I'd get married again."

Wife: "You would???" (with a hurtful look on her face)

Husband: (makes an audible groan)

Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"

Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, ...she's left-handed."

Wife: (silence)

Husband: "Oh...Shit."

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness
freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You
know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and
replied with silence.

Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."

That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him
by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You
know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the
pool man, the gardener and your brother."

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP


1. It is important to find a woman who cooks, cleans up and has a job.


2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.


3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.


4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.


5. It is very important that these four women don't know each other.

BELOW ARE THE FOUR SECRETS OF A SUCESSFUL MARRIAGE:

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

>Hear are Top 14 Humor of Getting married:
>
>CASE 1
>Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends.
>You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
>has, you wish you had ordered that.
>
>CASE 2
>At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
>wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??"
>The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
>
>CASE 3
>Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married,
>he is finished.
>
>CASE 4
>Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's
>degree and the woman gets her master's status.
>
>CASE 5
>A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
>married??"
>And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
>
>CASE 6
>Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa,
>a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
>Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
>
>CASE 7
>Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
>until I got married, and then it was too late."
>
>CASE 8
>A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and
>the wife takes
>
>CASE 9
>When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a
>ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
>Affair ?
>
>CASE 10
>Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
>man speaks and the woman listens.
>In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the
>third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
>
>CASE 11
>After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
>when I married you."
>And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
>notice it."
>
>CASE 12
>A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next
>day, he received hundreds letters.
>They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
>
>CASE 13
>When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
>of one thing ;
>either the car is new or his wife is new.
>
>CASE 14
>A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a
>lakhpati."
>"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The
>woman replied, "A crorepati."
>
>

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for
other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is
spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the
productbrochure or the documentation, though other users have informed
him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always
launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other
system activity. He's finding that some applications such as
PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to
run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even
though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such
as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system
performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't
remind me again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature
that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at
anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An
option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow
the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife
1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many
problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of
GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users
say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use
of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by
now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0
doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application
in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend
continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of
upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you
try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try
installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file
transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar
shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may
affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a
UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the
viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along
very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and
shouts from their house.

The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and
tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!"

The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in
the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket.
Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no
tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy
will dig up and haunt you?"

The old lady calmly replied, "Eh, let him keep digging. I put the
casket in the other way around."

HELP ME!!

A reporter asked Henry Ford the secret of his successful married
life.

"Same as with cars - STICK TO ONE MODEL."

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite
I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and
said, Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big I
can't wear them." I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here -
try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They
don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.

She said, "Here -you try on mine. He did and said, "I can't get into
your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass
attitude, you never will."

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and
announced that her

friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why
don't you tell me all
about it?"
The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy
and Daddy take off all
of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of
stands up, and then Mummy
puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes,
and that's how you get
babies".
Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye
to eye and said, "Oh,
Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get
babies. That's how you get
jewellery."

How is a hurricane like a marriage?

At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it's
over your house is gone.

What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night?

A widow.

Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back
yard?
A: Shoot him again!

Scene: Suburban home, living room. Post-quarrel.
Wife: You know, I was a fool when I married.
Husband: Yes, dear. But I was in love and didn't notice.

'Once there was husband and wife who had just bought a new mule.
They were walking it down the street when the mule trips over a stone.
The husband says, "That's one!"
They walk some more, when the mule trips over a stone again and the
husband says, "That's two!"
Then the mule trips over a stone again. The husband says, "That's
three," and shoots the donkey!
The wife gets so mad and start's cursing at the husband and saying,
"That was are only donkey! You were an idiot to shoot it!"
The husband says to his wife, that's ONE!"

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 minutes.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
About 45 minutes.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'
performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a
marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we
make love. I like that.''

The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes
to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great
it's going to be when I get it.''

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my
husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

Indian man getting caught cheating on his wife, live on American radio.

Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer. Lets head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the
bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending
end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of
more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion.

"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just
told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother
after I am gone."

Today is my daughters 18th birthday, I'm so glad that this is my last
child support payment. Month after month, year after year, of payments.
So I called my baby girl to come over to my house and when she got here,
I said to her, baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your
mothers house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going
to get from me, and I want you to tell me the expression on your mother's
face.
So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so eager to hear
what she had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl
walked through the door, I said "now what did that woman have to say?"
And she replied... "She told me to tell you that you ain't my
father.........
AND then she wanted me to tell her, about the expression on your face.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both
manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,the man on the lower. In
the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother
you, but I'm awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out
and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got better idea..... let's pretend
we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your
own f***ing blanket."

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is
everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job two years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear
and watch TV while I work to pay the bills.

And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Dump him. You're a New York Senator now. You don't need him anymore.

Abby

Losing a husband can be hard.

In my case, it was almost impossible.

To my darling wife:

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 356 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is in average of once every ten days.
The following is a list why I did not succeed more often.
1 We will wake the kids 34 times
2 It is too late 15 times
3 I am too tired 12 times
4 It is too early 12 times
5 It is too hot 18 times
6 Pretending to be asleep 18 times
7 The neighbours will hear 6 times
8 Headache and / or backache 28 times
9 Your mother will hear us 9 times
10 Not in the mood 21 times
11 Watching the late show 17 times
12 Too sore 26 times
13 New hairdo 6 times
14 Wrong time of month 14 times
15 You had to go to bathroom 10 times
16 Sunburn 10 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the result was not always satisfying
because:
6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there is a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry and get over with it 7 times I had to
wake you to tell you I had finished
And once I was afraid I had hurt you because you started thrashing
around and breathing heavy.

To my darling husband:

I think things are a little bit confused. Here are the reasons you did
not get more than you did.
1 Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 14 times
2 Did not come home at all 35 times
3 Did not come 21 times
4 Came too soon 33 times
5 Went soft before came in 19 times
6 Cramp in your legs 16 times
7 Working too late 38 times
8 Had yeast 'probably from the toilet seat' 29 times
9 Caught it in your zipper 15 times
10 Had a 'cold' - nose kept running 21 times
11 Coffee was too hot, burned your tongue 9 times
12 Had a problem in your finger 11 times

The reason I lay still, was because you missed me and were screwing
the sheet. You seemed to having such a good time, I did not want to
move and ruin it for you. I was not talking about the crack in the
ceiling -- what I said was 'Would you like me on my back or kneeling'.
The time I was thrashing around was because you had farted and I was
fighting for air!

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his
wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his
little boy and sent this note to his wife:

"THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED."

The wife answered the note and sent it back with the boy. It read:

"TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY."

So he sent another note down. It read:

"THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

"I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!"

Once a man saw a board outside his friend's office and it said
''B.A.'' next to his name, but after a week it said ''M.A.''

So he asked his friend how he got his master's degree so quickly. The
friend replied that last week his wife died so he put on the board
B.A. [bachelor again]. But then he married once more so he put on the
board M.A. [married again].

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they
got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see
St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they
could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St.
Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest
and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months
the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working
out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find
a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign
ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New
York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of
this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was
startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult
foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat
diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our
engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone,
called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said,
"Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she
thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part
of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest
vineyards of Italy."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New
York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick
conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final
request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch
penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands.
After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador
slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts
on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen
table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just
staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the
matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time
of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. The husband continued. "Do you
remember when your father shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out of jail
today!!!"

A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything was
done at the funeral home and cemetery, she told her closest friend that
there was no money left.

Her friend asked, "How could that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days
before he died. How could you be broke?" "Well," the widow said, "the
funeral cost me $6,000. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory
donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the
memorial stone."

Her friend gasped, "$12,000 for the memorial stone?

My God, how big was it?"

The widow answered, "Three carats."

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins
to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would
find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very
nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was
very pleased that there was another man to help work.

So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted
to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a
plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower.
While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, ''Hey! No
fucking! Get back to work!''

At this, the couple yelled back, ''We're not fucking!''

A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the
couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in
the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over.
With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The
husband, watching, exclaimed, ''Wow, it really does look like they're
fucking from up here!'''

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, "If
you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently
all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, Where have you been?

I've been to the pub, slurs the drunk.

Well, says the cop, it looks like you've had quite a few.

I did alright, the drunk says with a smile.

Did you know, says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?

Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.

senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you

One day a man forgot to tell his wife the couches from sears were
going to be delivered so he called his wife on his cell phone then his
daughter picked up and he said put mommy on the phone and she said
mommy and uncle ted is is in the room with the door closed so then dad
said we dont have an uncle ted and the daughter said yes we do and so
daddy said tell mommy that daddy just pulled in the driveway so she
went and told her mom then daddy said what happened and she said that
mommy ran in the bathroom with no clothes and hit her head on the sink
now she's all dead then uncle ted ran out the window with his clothes
and went into the swimming pool but he forgot there wasnt any water in
the pool and he hit his head and now he's all dead the father said I
dont have a swimming......... oops wrong number

William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided
to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the
hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very
short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather
rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman,
and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room,
William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room
1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just
enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the
door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips
provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range
of $25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think
you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't
believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind
William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for
$25?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the
stairs and she's not moving any more."

"Oh no...and what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must
have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

**** long pause***
|
|
v
Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool ???

Is this 597-7039?"

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his
honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with
Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public
figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so
many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you
most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no
one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I
believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

Have you seen Ray Charles' wife?

Neither has he!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date..
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied..
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really
none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

A redneck couple was in bed on their wedding night and were about to
consummate their marriage. The wife stops the husband, saying, "Be gentle.
I'm still a virgin." The man is astounded. He has never been with a virgin
before. He decides to call his father for advice. "Dad," says the
newly-married young man. "My new wife is a virgin! What do I do?"
"Better come on home, son," replies his father. "If she ain't good enough
for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours."

Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before marriage.

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?

Bob: I'm not sure. Remind me -- what was your wife's maiden name?

A girl says to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The
guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex? He replied:
Depends, if I can find a phone.

Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
sleeping with? Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body? He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your
sense of humor.

AND THE WINNER IS: Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and
exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I advised? Lady:
Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs.
One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guy says, ''I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No
Kids.'' They asked the woman, ''What are you?''
She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC.''

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand
her at all.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every
year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane
ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha,
I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never
get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's
ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did
all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the
pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of
to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out,
but ten dollars is ten dollars."

* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's on the TV?''
I said, ''Dust!''
* In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man
has rested.
* My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.
* What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
* A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said ''I haven't eaten anything in four days.'' She looked at him
and said, ''God, I wish I had your willpower.''
* Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
* A man inserted an ad in the classified: ''Wife wanted.'' Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ''You can
have mine.''
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
* First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!'' Second guy: ''You're
lucky, mine's still alive.''
* How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry
done for free.
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
* Then there was a man who said, ''I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late.''
* A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?'' And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still
paying.''
* The bumper sticker read: ''I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced
her.''
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.



The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.



"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."



"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"



"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.



"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."



The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."



The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.

2. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy.

3. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of
beer, and make an afternoon of it.

5. God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head
for you..

7. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

8. Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.

9. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come
see!

10.That was a great fart! Do another one!

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have -- the older
she gets the more interested he is in her.

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
"Meat Patty."

A mother had three daughters and, on each daughter's wedding, she tells
each one to write back about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly
discussing their love lives, the mother and
daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the
mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with
a single message, simply: " MAXWEEL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mother got the newspaper and checked the maxwellcoffee house
advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to
the last drop..." so, mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week,
there was a message that read: "ROTHMAN`S MATTRESSES".
So, the mother looks at the Rothman`s Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL
SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
After four weeks came the message: "SAUDI AIRLINES".
And mother looks in to the Saudia airlines ad, but this time she
fainted.
The ad reads:" THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet
she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his
senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support
me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''

''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.

''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''

A wife decides that she needs to spice up her and her husband's sex
life. So, she goes to the adult novelty store and came back with some
crotchless panties.

She goes home, puts them on and waits for her husband to come home.
When he does, she lifts up her dress and shows him her new panties,
asking, "You want some of this?"

"Hell no," says the husband, "look what it did to your underwear!"

One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he
found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a
poof, a genie came out. ''I will grant you three wishes but whatever
you wish for your ex-wife gets double,'' said the genie.
''Okay. for my first wish I want one million dollars,'' said the man.
And, in a poof of smoke, one million dollars appeared.
''Hmm... but now my ex-wife has two million dollars,'' said the man,
''But, for my next wish, I want a five-story manson." And, in a poof
of smoke his house turns into a five-story manson. ''But now my
ex-wife has a twenty-story manson,'' said the man.
''And now, for your last wish?'' asked the genie. ''Hmmm... YES! I
have the greatest wish yet. Why didn't think of this earlier?!''
replied the man. ''For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to
death!!!'' '

One day a farmer was sitting around with one of his buddies, when he
came up with the problem that he couldnt get his cows to mate. The
other farmer said well what you have to do is stick your arm up the
female cow and smear it all over the male's face.
Believing what his buddy said he tried out this method and within days
his cows were having sex. He wondered if this would work on him and
his wife, so one night he managed to put his arm into his wifes
''special area'' and he wiped it all over his face. He started
yelling, ''Honey! Honey! Get up, you have to see this!'' When she woke
up and looked at him she said, ''What -- you woke me up to tell me
your nose was bleeding?''

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big openmouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.
" Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexus's
in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours,"
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier!!" she replies.

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't
have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened
to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood
what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and
thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you
asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden
bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?" "Of
course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should
buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody
wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make
an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and
the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal,
he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is
delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and
motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about
your wife and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife
greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began
petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick
her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."

What is the perfect wife?

A good-looking, sex-starved chef who owns a liquor store.

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the
wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the
doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about
what was wrong with her husband.

He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have
to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or
argue with him -- her husband needed absolute rest and no stress
whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much
or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she
understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did.

When the wife came out, the husband asked her, "so what is the matter
with me? Am I going to die?" And the wife said, "Yes, honey, I'm
afraid you're going to die."

THE WEDDING TEST

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year
when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my
friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend d! own when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come
over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married,
and she had feelings and
desires for me that she could not overcome and did
not really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead
with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached

the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and! went
straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the
house and walked straight
toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes, he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have
passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for
our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is.....
Always keep your condoms in your car.

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of
them to write back about their marriage life.
And the first one gets married....
The second day the letter arrives with a single message ... simply: "Maxwell
House Coffee!"
Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell House ad: "Satisfaction to
the last drop...". So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message
that reads; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it
says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is again happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. Finally, after 4
weeks came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother looks into the BA ad, but
fainted, "TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

--That comment about Elton being "twice the woman" she ever was.

--Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.

--Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse.

--Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his
pants...

--Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON.

--Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggot!" while watching
"Mr. Rogers".

--Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live
past the age of 35.

--I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!!

--Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep
within her own rectum.

...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . .

--Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bastard. Would like to try a
poor, unknown abusive bastard for a change.

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.


16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

Two guys are playing golf. The first guy says, ''Well, my wife just
had a birthday a couple days ago.''

The second guys says, ''What did you get her?'' The first guys says,
''I got her a Jaguar and a diamond ring.''

The second guy says, ''Why did you get her the diamond ring, too?''

The first guys says, ''I got her the ring in case she didn't like the
Jaguar.''

They keep playing golf for a little while and then the second guys
says, ''Yep, my wife just had a birthday a couple days ago, too.''

The first guy says, ''Well, what did you get your wife?''

The second guy says, ''A pair of flip flops and a dildo.'' The first
guy says, ''Why did you get her the dildo?''

The second guys says, ''So she could fuck herself if she didn't like
the flip flops!''

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's tests
results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of mix-up and we
have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now
uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or
terrible."

Mr.Smith: "what do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer
disease and the other for AIDS.we cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the
middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

Comebacks to that all time favorite question
"Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
-------------------------------------------------------

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll
rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial
separation.

(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would
be redundant.

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...

Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

WIFE says: No darling , it means -
With Idiot For Ever

A man who was a little slow was visiting his wife in hospital where
she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. When he does this,
she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says
this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right
breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From
this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex,
saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't
want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a
sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what
happened to which the man replies, "She choked."

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 30 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years, the job still sucks....

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a
marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here
that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come
to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never
cheated on you.''

He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his
anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''

The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was
broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for
another month?''

The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''

His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess
that's okay. Any other times?''

''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to
give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time...
I kinda...''

''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''

The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable,
you saved my life. Any others?''

She nodded. ''One more.''

The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you
were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17
votes...?''

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside.

"5th and Main, please."

"You again?" says the taxi driver. "This is the 4th time I've dropped
you and your wife off at work."

"Really? My wife doesn't work."

"Yes, she does. I drop her off there everyday, about an hour after I
drive you to work."

"There?"

"Behind the Tillman & Lane department store."

"Interesting," says the man. "Tell you what. Pick me up in two hours,
and I want you to show me where my wife works." So two hours later,
the taxi arrives and takes the man to whorehouse behind Tillman &
Lane.

"Hold on," said the driver. "I'll be right back."

There's a huge commotion after the driver goes in, with cursing and
screaming and the sounds of breaking furniture. The driver comes out
with a woman in a headlock.

"That's not my wife!" exclaims the man.

"I know. She's mine. I'm going back in for yours."

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the
fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to
your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third
husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

''Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent!''

''I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?''

''Well, the first part you can imagine. But he also burned his tongue
and broke his finger!''

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to
celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.

The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to
himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"

After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to
spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And
what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All
night long.

He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the
husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks
him how can he do what he did at this age.

The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes.
Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes.
Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what,
WHAT?"

The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with
one hand, and then we make a bet."

The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"

If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the
husband replied with a smirk.

The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

"Then we both win," says the old man.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
-Old Man: Certainly not.
-Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose, if you tell me the
time?
-Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the time.
-Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
-Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may
be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.
-Young Man: Quite possible.
-Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and
address.
-Young Man: Quite possible.
-Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by
and came into wish me. Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea.
After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will
appreciate tea and ask who has made it?
-Young Man: Possible
-Old Man: made it Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then
have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you &; you will admire my
daughter.
-Young Man: Smiles. ;)
-Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You
will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.
-Young Man: Smiles
-Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After
meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for
marriage.
-Young Man: Smiles
-Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love
and ask for my permission. Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles
-Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person
like you who does not even own a watch.