You Know You Are Addicted to the Internet When ...



* You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.

* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
phone lines.

* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.

* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

* And even your night dreams are in HTML.

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com

* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
had heart problems before.

* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when it happened.

* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.

* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.

* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.

* Your dog has its own home page.

* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?

* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.

* You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts
illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor.

* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.

* You refer to your age as 3.x.

* You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.

* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

* You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to
ask.

* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?

* You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.

* You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.

* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

* Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger
bandwidth.

* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

* Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
IRC channel.

* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
useless.

* You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1 or higher."

* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.

* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

* You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see
it while you are pretending to catch your breath.

* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.

* You forget what year it is.

* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think
it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for
"surfing the net".

* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you
can chat.

* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.