101 Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say.

----------------------------

Uh-oh.....
Shit!!
What the hell!?
Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
That's SOOOOO bizarre.
Wow!! Look at this.....
Hey!! The suns don't do this.
Terminated??!
What software license?
Well, it's doing something.....
Wow....that seemed fast.....
I got a better job at Lockheed...
Management says...
Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
It didn't do that a minute ago...
Where's the GUI on this thing?
Damn, and I just bought that pop...
Where's the DIR command?
The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
Do you smell something?
What's that grinding sound?
I have never seen it do *that* before...
I think it should not be doing that...
I remember the last time I saw it do that...
You might as well all go home early today ...
My leave starts tomorrow.
Ooops.
Hmm, maybe if I do this...
"Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?"
Hmmm, curious...
Well, my files were backed up.
What do you mean you needed that directory?
What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
We're standardizing on AIX.
Wonder what this command does?
What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
You did what to the floppy???
Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
NO! Not that button!
Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
[looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this running?"
Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
What's this switch for anyways...?
Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
Was that your directory?
System coming down in 0 min....
The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a monday afternoon.)
I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline...)
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
I hate it when that happens.
And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
You can do this patch with the system up...
What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
What do mean by "fired"?
hey, what does mkfs do?
where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this...
don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ SHIT
what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
SMIT makes it all so much easier......
Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
I don't care what he says, I'm not having it on my network
We don't support that. We won't support that.
...and after I patched the microcode...
You've got TECO. What more do you want?
We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...

10 Commandments of Email


Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light
of the dawn.





And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's
car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start
howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your
fabulous paperweight collection.

The 10 Types of Users


El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but
now it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and
said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned
back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well,
ma'am, you've come to the right place."



Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and
now it looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without
meaning to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter
ratio in WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document
was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found
that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in
his document.



Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I
fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of
fixing them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but
didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty
minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY
LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could
get it to compile."



Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick,
and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo,
it did compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their
disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but
empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it).
Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*,
they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different
disks for the missing information.



X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite
impressive, really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in
graphics technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at
DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I
suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat
down and did their best to act like they were doing exactly
what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.



Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a
guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.'
"But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it
yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word
'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around.
Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.



Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can
upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there,
download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and
put it in three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make
machines do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another
person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't
know his target's home system, account name, or real name.



Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on,
like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like
this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and
after that I went to this line here, like this, and after
that I picked my nose, like this. . ."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay,
but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the
phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's
shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document
into itself and denied that they did it (the user was
complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same
thing).



Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
"I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved,
would you please garrote him and put him in the paper
recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because
he (the user) didn't like it.



Complete Idiot - "Why can't I copy this 25 megabyte text file onto a
360K floppy disk?"
Advantages: Believe anything that you tell them, because they don't
have a clue. Often observed wearing aluminum foil
under hat or garlic around neck to ward off evil
computer viruses.
Disadvantages: Cannot follow directions. Doesn't grasp simple concepts,
like the meaning of the word "no."
Symptoms: Holding hands under monitor during power failure,
hoping to catch letters as they fall off of screen.
Also observed playing Van Halen tape in Commodore-64
cassette drive, trying to get a transcript of the lyrics.
Most likely to have a bottle of white out next to monitor.
Real Case: User once wrote program for simulations class that
created 25 megabyte output file of every possible way to
safely put 8 queens on a chess board, using "*"'s to draw
board. Insisted that instructor wanted this printed and
handed in. (Instructor only wanted to know the number.)
User wouldn't take the hint when her access to all line
printers was revoked after trying to print this file 4
times. Decided to slip it by and print to Diablo 630
daisywheel printer. Result: 14 pages of output and a
broken "*" on the printwheel before the file and program
were deleted with the permission of the instructor.
Fourth year computer science student that couldn't figure
out that in the best case, this file would take 4965 pages
(2+ boxes of paper) and 7.6 days to print.
Career Path: Gets programming job at Microsoft writing next version
of Windows. Gets PhD in Artificial Intelligence, since
they lack any natural intelligence. Dies of
electrocution using hair dryer in pool, despite safety
labels and tags.

(The irony of this is that this individual was later hired as the Academic
Computer Center manager, and she spends her day screaming at students who
print 2 copies of their resume on a laser printer.)

10 years Ago...

An application was for employment

A program was a television show

Windows were something you hated to clean,

A keyboard was a piano

A cursor used profanity

Memory was something you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy you hoped no one found out

Compress was something you did to garbage

If you unzipped in public you went to jail

Log on was adding wood to a fire

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your toilet

Cut you did with scissors

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!!!

WOW HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

1776
(If they had computers back then... )



Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is
essential that we complete this Declaration of Independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you.
Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted
yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes
replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks... saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies
Online just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear
our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg
circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.

Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75.
It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of
Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets
to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled
candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd
buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My
spell checker recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document,
please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't
compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean
when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have
you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe
centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus!
I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here,
borrow my quill pen....

5MB Hard Disk in 1956 - Its a hard disk in 1956.... The Volume and Size of 5MB memory storage in 1956. In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data. Let us start appreciating your 4 GB jump drive!

Diary of an AOL User


July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked
but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the
printer.'' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face
the printer--but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
No one's been killed in a computer crash
But it makes their face turn red!

To avoid any potential Y2K problems, many companies and individuals are
replacing their computers with Etch-A-Sketches. Other advantages of an
Etch-A-Sketch over computers include:



No glitches keeping work from being done.
No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Ease of operation.



Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical
Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Abbott and Costello Meet Windows 95



Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it
off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then -
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start
it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the
Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one
in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started
this conversion.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Abraham's Computer



One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
son, comes home.



Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
lots more memory than you have here."

Abraham
replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."

Haiku:

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful
Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku
poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17
syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in
the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message,
often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight
through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages
from Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has
performed an illegal operation?"

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--------------------------------------------

From: chuck@trantor.harris-atd.com (Chuck Musciano)
Subject:Addicted To Vi
After reading about a poor wretch who had become addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.

As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.


Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)
You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste! Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano. All Rights Reserved.

:wq

Alien Transmission



Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from
outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:

"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five
star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the
list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message
to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25
of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in
return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"

Always Accessible
by Joe Lavin


I was given this new cell phone at work, but I'm starting to think it's
defective. You see, it tends to ring a lot. Like, for example, I'll be minding
my own business walking to lunch, and suddenly it'll just start ringing.
Even worse, when I answer it, it'll often be someone asking me a question
about work. I'm thinking of calling the manufacturer to see if they can fix
it. It's really starting to bug me.

Yes, like many others, I have been dragged kicking and screaming into
the world of cellular phones. I long vowed I would never own a cell
phone, and to be honest I still don't. My employer owns it. I'm just the
one forced to carry it around.

I suppose it's really not so bad. It is convenient, and the phone can even
fit into the palm of my hand. It's a nifty little gadget, and part of me (the
part that forgets how evil cell phones are) likes having it. Yes, I can be
reached at any time, but I can also turn it off and let the calls go to voice
mail.

Of course, it's still tough to have a good excuse for ignoring the phone.

"I called earlier, Joe, but you didn't answer."

"Oh, sorry about that. I just went out for a second."

"So what? You have a cell phone."

"Um, I mean, I was in. That's it. I was in and couldn't get your call. Oh,
damn the batteries are running low, and I think I'm walking into a tunnel.
Let me get back to you."

While I may look oh-so-important when walking around with my cell
phone, the only reason that I have it is because I don't have a real phone.
My new job at Harvard is to go around to different departments and help
them pay bills with Harvard's new financial system. I'm rarely at my
desk -- hence, the evil cell phone.

I still feel squeamish about having it, and I have yet to make a call while
in public. After all, I just don’t like having to subject others to my phone
calls. On some days, I don’t even like subjecting myself to them.

And whenever it does ring, I feel slightly embarrassed. Well, actually,
first I look around confused for a second before exclaiming to whoever
I'm with, "Oh, that's me!" I'm not at all prepared to conduct a business
call while walking around. God forbid when someone actually gives me a
number. The other day, if by chance you saw an idiot on a cell phone in
the middle of Harvard Yard trying to use a tree as a writing surface for a
piece of scrap paper, that was me. Luckily, I did get the proper
information, but even then I managed somehow to schedule a meeting
for my day off.

To be honest, I really shouldn't feel so self-conscious. I'm certainly not
alone. I'm simply one of over 70 million Americans with a cell phone. All
over, cell phones are suddenly pervasive. More and more restaurant
owners have been forced to ban cell phones so that people will stop
yakking into them during meals. Many theater owners have complained
about cell phones ringing in the middle of plays and movies.
Increasingly, states are even considering laws restricting the use of car
phones.

And then there are the people at sporting events. Lately, I've been
watching the baseball playoffs, and during most every game you will
now see some loser sitting behind home plate with a cell phone waving
at someone on the phone. I suppose it's an innocent act, but it still makes
one yearn for a sudden foul ball.

"Hi, Mom. It's me. I'm on TV. See me waving. Right where the foul ball is
about to -- AAAAARGGHH!"

Not that I should really wish such a thing on anyone, but there's
something about cell phone users that most people hate. Well, let me
correct that. Most people would hate them except that most people are
now starting to own cell phones of their own, and so it becomes more
difficult to hate the cell phone users.

Especially for me. After all, if you want to reach my apartment, you can
now do so with one of four different numbers. My roommate Anna and I
have separate phone numbers, and each of us has a cell phone too.

I have a feeling that we might just be a little too connected to the world.
You think?

1
2
3
4
1
2
3
4
Booooooooooo-t!
{pause}
{faster}
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!

Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!

Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!

Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!


Process... Kill!

{slower}


You can have your VMS,
You can have your MS-DOS,
You can even have you Windows NT,
But don't you fuck with me,
I've Got BSD,

And I'll go preemptive, when I fork...

{slightly faster}


So I'll protect my memory,
Put my files in a tree,
And when I'm a server, I'll never crash!

'Cuz I'm written in C.
For good Port-a-bility!
And I'm old, but I keep getting bet-ter!

Made by ATT,
GNU keeps me Free!
I'm the best damn OS on the net! v

So, you can have your VMS,
you can have your MS-DOS,
you can have your Washington Mon-op-oly!
But don't you fuck with me,
Yeah, don't you fuck with me,
Cuz I've Got BSD,
I've Got BSD,

And I'll go preemptive, when I fork...

Ancient Tech Support


The tech support problem dates back to long before the
industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out
a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone
not burn Lorto hand.
Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

If AOL Was a City


You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
spandex.

You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL
14.4 modems for only $399.99

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.

48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.


The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
of those brutal toe stubs.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".

The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his slack-ass company somewhere else.

Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while
little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"

Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"


Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh behind your back.

Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert.

You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.

The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r
Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't
investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove
the sign altogether.

Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.

Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the
shit out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, jerk.
ROFLMAO LOL!!"

You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying
acronyms.

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sunup.

The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
funds.

The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
ripping down the swings and beating the fuck out of kids currently
playing there.

Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies
can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts &
pedophiles are allowed in.

The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
DO WANT A STINKIN' AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The
voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".

A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g

Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the
speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several
minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
city.

Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a
telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

An AOL Dictionary (abridged)
by Jim Mica JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU


AOL America On Line (TM) A grand scheme for democratizing
the INTERNET. Let all the rabble participate, if
they've got the money. Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh,
fer crying out loud, uses the service.

AoL America Off Line (SM) Opps, too many to handle. The
service is about to crash...

AOL (as in AOL.COM) Cryptic address which marks the
addressee as {probably} a bumptious newby who, like some
icky younger sibling, will breathlessly proffer the
electronic equivalent of a 5th generation photo-copy
(identified by all them >>>>>>s in the text) of some
tired old joke as hot new humor.

AOL (ca. 12/96) America On Line (TM) now with unlimited
access for a set fee. Kinda reminds one of those old
Nuclear Energy commercials where they said that
electricity would become so cheap there would be no need
to meter it! Too much of a good thing?

AOL Americans Outta Luck Thousands, nay millions, of them
sitting there trying to get online and not being able
to. Still, ya gotta wonder, just how many bought the
service and installed the software without realizing
that your computer needs to have a modem on it for you
to get to the INTERNET?

AOL Americans Organizing Law Suits. That's the ticket!
Finally the masses are revolting.

Bye Bye to America Online
[To the tune of "American Pie"]


A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day
the service
died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *

But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.


And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

12 Days of Christmas - AOL style


On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

Here are some conversations, from Microsoft, which had actually taken
place between help desk people and their customers:

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

---------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're
on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

---------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

Modern Automobile Advances



I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and
the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries ...
it's a long walk."

The Ballad of Y2K
(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")


Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away."

But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure

[[ key change, the big finish coming]]

There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

>If Bill Gates were killed in a car accident. He might
find himself being sized up by God.

"...Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm
not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After
all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in the world, and yet
you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do
something I've never done before. In your case, I'm
going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference
between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy
beach with clear waters.

There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels
drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his
decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.

He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful; this is NOT what I
expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened
to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver."

How is a computer like Britney Spears?

They're both cheap, white, and plastic.

Computer Bumper Stickers




1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files
and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget
it's there.

Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
upon contact.

HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week
after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
daughter card.

NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote
terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and
forwards them to the authorities.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for
information.

Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.

Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into
a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links
between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and
compiling results.

Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear
to really do much of anything.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing
excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when
you're really enjoying it.

David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a
while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.

Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.

AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back.

This page used to have a funny image on it. Later on, it was converted to a little forum. Please read on and contribute.

Leave your phone numbers, where you are from, your email address, etc. and have a good time here.

COBOL Cruddy Obsolete Boring Old Language
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
EMACS Escape Meta Alt Control ShiftEight Megs And Continually Swapping
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
JPEG Joyful Pictures of Exposed Genitals
MPEG Motion Prediction by Educated Guessing
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
o o a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|oo| android breasts

What did one computer say to the other?

010101101010101010101

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
$10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief
pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It
will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went
back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and
deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed
out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a
rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better."

The Computercist
By Ian Wolff


Although rare, computer possessions have lately been recorded at an
increasingly alarming rate. However, to date, the most celebrated case
of (documented) computer possession took place on the evening of June
23rd, 1997, in the small upscale town of Menlo Park, CA. For the sake
of the victim and his family he is referred to in the following case
file simply as 'Tad.'

(Case #27-198TAD Monday, Oct 23rd, 1997... 6:42pm)

"I'm so glad you're here," said the beleaguered looking middle aged
woman as she ushered the two gentlemen callers into her living room and
bade them sit, "I'll just be a moment," she continued, hastening into
the kitchen and returning with three steaming mugs of freshly brewed
coffee.

"Tell me what you can, Miss Snyder, I'd like to get started as soon as
possible." Said Jacob, the more elderly of the two gentlemen.

"It all started last night," she began, "Tad, that's my son's name,
Tad. Tad had been locked away in his room for the past three weeks, I
thought he was just studying hard since his finals were coming up and
all, so I left him alone. Until last night, that is, that's when I
entered his room and..." she began to tremble, tears rolled down her
cheeks and she dropped her coffee mug to the floor with a crash.

Karrass, the younger of the two gentlemen, leapt to her aid. "There,
there," he said, holding her tight and patting her on the back,
"everything will be all right

Jacob arose from the couch and taking the large black suitcase in hand,
caught Karrass's gaze and motioned him towards the stairs. "It's time,"
he whispered, "come along now."

They climbed the stairs quickly and Karrass reached for the boy's
bedroom door. "Stop!" hissed Jacob, "there are a few things we have to
get straight first. Number one, you'll have to keep IT busy while I
install a surge protector."

"A surge protector?"

"Yes, trust me. If the power goes, so goes the boy. It happened to me
once before and I'm still paying for it. Not the child, the computer.
"Do you know how much a fully loaded Compaq Impresario costs!" Her
father kept screaming in my face. Meanwhile his daughter's soul had
just been sucked into cyberhell. It was very sad, not to mention
expensive."

"Gotcha, I'll keep it busy while you install the surge protector.
Anything else?"

"Yes, whatever you do, don't listen to it. It will try and make you
angry. It will lie, twist your words, show you unflattering pictures of
your loved ones on its monitor and tell you that your mother's in it's
nudie files. Do NOT believe IT! Well, unless of course..."

"NO," shrieked Karrass, "she couldn't be!"

"Fine then, are you ready?" Karrass nodded in the affirmative and the
two men entered the room. It was worse than Jacob had expected and
nearly more than Karrass could take in.

The boy lay prostrate upon the bed, a 56k modem was attached to the left
side of his abdominal region, while several wires leading from multiple
outlets looked to have installed themselves throughout every orifice the
boy owned. It seemed to Karrass as if the boy and the computer had
become one. The room stank of burnt wires and singed pubic hair. The
walls were awash with downloaded girlie pictures and more pornography,
thought Jacob, than a Larry Flynt archive. "I wonder what type of
finals he was preparing for," whispered Karrass.

Suddenly the monitor sprang to life and the hiss of the speakers filled
the room. "Nice day for a computercism," came the deep croaking voice,
"we've been expecting you."

Karrass pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down, he took the
keyboard and placing it on his lap, typed "who are you?"

"You have mail!" Blasted the speakers, followed by a wicked giggle.
"Never mind who I am," it continued, "I'm not giving up the boy and
that's all you need to know, Karrass. That is your name isn't it? And
stop typing, I can hear you just fine, I'm wired to the little pinhead's
eardrums."

"What should we call you?" Asked Jacob, while covertly slipping the
surge protector from the suitcase. "If I tell you," came the voice and
this time from the boy's own lips, "I'll have to kill you. But if you
must know, It's Mort."

"MORT?" Chimed the two men.

"Hey, you asked."

"Do you know why we are here, Mort?" Asked Jacob, while installing the
surge protector. "I know why you THINK you're here," it responded, "but
you're terribly mistaken, the NERD IS MINE!!" Came another blast from
the speakers, this time causing both men to cover their ears. Jacob
pulled a pair of wire cutters from the bag and snipped the speaker
wires. "Very sneaky," it said, now from the boy's mouth. "Hey Karrass,
look what your father's been up to."

Karrass gazed at the monitor, there, in full color, was his very own
father, dressed in a white teddy, a flowing pink negligee, and six-inch
spiked black heels.

"That's not my father!" Screamed Karrass.

"Karrass!" Shouted Jacob, "what did I tell you!" Karrass sat
motionless, unable to peel his gaze from the hideous picture. Jacob
pulled a shirt from the closet and draped it over the monitor.
"Karrass," he said, taking the man by the shoulders and shaking him
violently, "snap out of it."

Karrass gazed up at Jacob, his face drained of color, "did you see it,
Jacob?"

"Yes, it was horrible, but I warned you that might happen. Besides, it
could have been worse, it could have been MY father. Actually the
negligee seemed to fit quite well and as for the..."

"Stop," Karrass interrupted, while placing both hands to his stomach,
"no more, please."

Jacob brought Karrass a glass of water from the connecting bathroom and
delved into his bag, it was time to stop playing, he thought, and get
down to some serious work. He removed a small vile labeled 'Bill Gate's
saliva' and popped the cap. "Be gone from this child of the Internet!"
He shouted, while flicking some of the vile's contents across the boy's
body, the monitor, keyboard and modem.

"AHHHHH It burns, it burns!" Screamed the unholy and writhing
assemblage. "Your mothers on my hard-drive Jacob!" It shrieked,
spitting a stream of keyboard cleaning solution into Jacob's face.

Jacob continued, undaunted. "You will leave this nerd now! You will
return this computer geek now! By the almighty text of HTML, so be it
written, so be you confused by it, and all things computerized
accordingly shall confuse you...!"

"Stop!" Howled the beast, it's wires now sparking and sending a bluish
smoke into the air. "The monitor turned completely around on it's axis,
several floppy discs began flying about the room, one hitting Karrass
squarely in the crotch, causing him to drop to the floor in agony.

Jacob strove on, "Bill Gates compels you! Steve Wozniak compels you!
Steve Jobs compels you!" With each incantation he thrust another
sprinkling of saliva upon the beast. "Henry Ford compels you!"

"He made cars," moaned a still agonizing Karrass.

"Oh right, sorry, I've been meaning to delete that. Be gone from this
boy you demon!" It was working, the wires began detaching themselves
from the boy. "Jacob!" shouted an excited Karrass, "it's working! Read
from Genesis, Jacob. Genesis!"

Jacob flipped to the front of the book and began reading. "In the
beginning there was a garage, and Steve and Steve saw the garage, and
they liked it, saying 'this is a good garage. 'DAMN!" He suddenly
blurted, throwing the vile across the room. "What is it?" Asked
Karrass. "No more saliva," replied Jacob. "This happens every time he
continued, while feverishly digging through the suitcase, "that's the
trouble with billionaires, they can't produce enough saliva because they
have nothing to salivate for!"

Suddenly the boy sat up and thrust the mouse in Jacob's face, "click me,
click me, click me," it repeated in a hideous croak, "click me!" Jacob
pushed the mouse away and pulling a floppy disk from his bag, held it
before the boy's eyes. The boy immediately recoiled and began to
whimper, "please don't," it pleaded. "Not a virus, please. I'll be
good, I promise, I'll give you fifteen free hours and unlimited access
to Catholic Nymphos?"

Jacob handed the disc to Karrass and ordered him to load it. Then
turning back to the beast, he fixed it with a steely glare and with a
twinkle in his eye shouted "fax you and the mouse you clicked in on!"

The two men stepped back as the virus began spreading like poison
throughout the beast. Random pictures began flashing across the
monitor, Newt Gingrich, Keith Richards, Cool Whip, The official Vaseline
page.

"Oh there's a pretty picture," whispered Jacob, while Karrass clutched
at his already overtaxed stomach. Suddenly the room fell silent, the
monitor went black and a thick blue smoke began streaming from the boy's
ears. "It's over," said Jacob, wiping the sweat from his brow. Karrass
approached the bed and leaned over the boy, "Tad?" He whispered. The
boy's eyes opened, "who are you?" He asked, "and where's my mother?"

Meanwhile....

Little Kathy dashed through her front door and ran straight away into
her bedroom. Life in little Ackle, New Zealand, had always been rather
boring, she thought, that is until her parents had recently given in and
bought her a brand new computer. She booted up the system and watched
as the pretty colors and 'way cool' graphics danced before her eyes.
"You have Mail!" Hissed the speakers. "Wow, cool!" She squealed, while
leaning forward to read the name upon her screen. "How totally weird,"
she whispered, while clicking to open the file, "I don't know anyone
named Mort."

A computer geek loved a girl who studies computer science.

He sent a letter, saying:

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER Believe me it is true ...

You installed the best in me.

Your picture is always in my background.

You clicked my heart gently.

You drive me crazy when I see you.

Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness in me.

You restored my kindness after I thought it was corrupted.

I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart beat per second.

You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.

You are the only one that could navigate my feelings and explore my
emotions at the same time.

I feel lost when I try to call you and you are not responding.

I always feel you close to me when I shut down my eyes, or when I open
my windows waiting for you to pass.

You are the only one that can log into my heart and never log out.

I dream of being your only server as long as I live.

You don't have to search for me, cause we are always linked to each
others.

I see your name everywhere, my front page, my homepage and all my
software.

I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected by you.

You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I do?

Believe me it is true...

I love you more than my CPU!!!!

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine
gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine
gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?

A Fucking-Know-It-All.

A computer flashed a message to its user:

"I give up! I can't handle it anymore! Let the chips fall where they
may!"

So you think you're computer-illiterate ?



1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the
diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech
to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a
couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to
find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap
and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the
keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of
the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?

A: It says ''byte me'''

You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than
phone numbers!

Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me, as I am interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding
May my website be protected?
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line always connected
And all my inputs be accepted
Please keep my entire program alive
And to remember to back up my hard drive
And protect my computer from crashing drive,
From a virus that would make it nesting hive

Amen

# ANALOG: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.
# BACKUP: Opposite of go forward
# BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once
# BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
# BIT: 12-1/2 cents
# BRANCH: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)
# BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude
# BUG: 1. Programmer's term for a feature. 2. An elusive creature living in a program which
makes it incorrect. Note: The activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends
when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
# CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor
space
# COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors
# COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
# CODING: An addictive drug
# COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
# COMPILER: Noah Webster (1758-1843)
# CONSOLE: What one does to a "down" computer
# CURSOR: An expert in 4-letter words
# DUMP: A system programmer's work area
# FEATURE: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative
# HARDWARE: The parts of a computer which can be kicked
# KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
# LANGUAGE: A system of organizing and defining error messages
# LOOP: See loop
# MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM: A program which will not run on any machine
# MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer
# NULL STRING: The result of a 4-hour database search
# ONLINE: The idea that a human should always be accessible
# PASSWORD: The nonsense word taped to your terminal

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

When you open Windows it won't work!

A Conversation Between Moses and G-d


"Excuse me, Sir."


"Is that you again, Moses?"


"I'm afraid it is, Sir."


"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"


"How did you guess?"


"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"


"Oh, yeah. I forgot."


"Tell me what you want, Moses."


"But you already know. Remember?"


"Moses!"


"Sorry, sir."


"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"


"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things
you sent me."


"You mean the commandments, Moses?"


"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."


"What do you mean WERE important, Moses? Of course, they ARE
important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."


"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them,
but of course you would see right through that."


"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me
you didn't save them, Moses?"


"No, sir. I forgot. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send
them to some people before I lost them though. "


"And did you hear back from any of them?"


"You already know I did."


"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
Can he change the words a little bit?"


"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."


"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little
harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or
letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"


"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."


"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I
was scamming him?"


"I think that is spamming, Moses."


"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat
that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone
through a computer."


"And what he did say?"


"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't
think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's
the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"


"They're called viruses, Moses."


"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can
we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my
back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never
lost them."


"We'll do it the new way, Moses."


"I was afraid you would say that, sir."


"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"


"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
computer."


"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"


"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
on the ark?"


"No, Moses."


"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"


"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
if you want to."


"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some
woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman
who named one of the computers Apple?"


"Say good night, Moses."


"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to
be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."


"Which ones are they, Moses?"


"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and
'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'


"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of
stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

Customers Do The Strangest Things
From ComputerWorld

Ontrack Data Recovery in Eden Prairie, Minn., specializes in recovering
data from hard drives damaged by natural or man-made disasters. Here are
a few true stories from Ontrack's files:

- One customer guessed that maybe his hard drive didn't work because it
had been "sitting in a snowdrift by the barn for a while."

- Another customer, concerned that he would void the warranty if he
disassembled the hard drive by removing the screws, used a hack saw
instead.

- An Ontrack representative told a customer to pack his hard drive in
peanuts for protection during shipping. The drive arrived the next day
packed in salted peanuts - instead of foam peanuts.

- Another drive arrived smelling fresh & clean, wrapped in Bounce fabric
softener sheets. The customer had been told to pack it with antistatic
material before shipping.

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk!
I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are
modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he
is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS
JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS
RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO
USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it?
Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about
something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked
but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask
the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include
my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.
I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.









Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have
to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me
try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good,
normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to
select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures.
There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the
campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for
weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in
Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's
where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted
pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have
put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three
weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain
it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.


Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the
only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the
best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By
the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta
go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's
spell-checked too.


Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have
much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the
computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last
year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.


Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best
camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was
real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you
send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank
diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that
you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.


Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay.
Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at
getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into
the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five,
he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.


Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset?
I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is
cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made
some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway,
I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
August.
Regards, William.


Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten
years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau,
and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again
and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.



See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little
boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to
save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save
JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.
Thank you very much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

You know you are an e-mail addict when...




1) You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2) You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 2.0 or higher."

3) You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

4) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5) You spend half the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

7) You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.




8) You start using smilies in snail mail.

9) Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... and you succeed.

10) You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

11) You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."

12) You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

13) Your cat has its own home page.

14) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

15) You can't call your mother .... she doesn't have a modem.

16) You check your e-mail. It says "No new messages." So you check it again.

17) Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

19) You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.Madison.ridge/house/brick.html"

20) You get up at 4:45 am and login so you can use the computer before your husband gets up and hogs it for the rest of the day!

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to
be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's
somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an
engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

Engineer Identification Test

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging
crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to
anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or
simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

Social Skills

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic
things from social interaction:


Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
Important social contacts
A feeling of connectedness with other humans


In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational
objectives for social interactions:


Get it over with as soon as possible.
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.


Fascination with Gadgets

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed
into one of two categories:


Things that need to be fixed, and
Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.


Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems
handily available, they will create their own problems.
Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe
that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that
if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without
wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No
engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of
Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the
engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
feature-poor toys.

Fashion and Appearance

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming
the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been
satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together,
and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in
plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.
Anything else is a waste.

Dating and Social Life

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will
employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a
false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable
of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are
widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,
dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to
date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire
to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who
will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness
later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos
in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these
examples of sexually irresistible men in technical
professions:


Bill Gates.
MacGyver.
Etcetera.


Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent
and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their
clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

Honesty

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and
human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep
engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other
people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say
things that sound like lies but technically are not because
nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list
of engineer lies is listed below.


"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."


Frugality

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of
cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending
situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How
can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest
amount of cash?"

Powers of Concentration

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is
the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete
exclusion of everything else in the environment. This
sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking
resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree
in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming
is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he
or she snaps out of it.

Risk

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they
can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer
makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a
big deal or something.

Examples of Bad Press for Engineers


Hindenberg.
Space Shuttle Challenger.
SPANet(tm)
Hubble space telescope.
Apollo 13.
Titanic.
Ford Pinto.
Corvair.


The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something
like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of
risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.
The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity
is technically impossible for reasons that are far too
complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then
the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense:
"It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

Ego

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.


The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to
declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk
away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness
or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case.
These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle
between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve
a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when
they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an
ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the
kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the
suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal
people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract
more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that
something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not
fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say
something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.
He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not
stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer
will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork
chop.









Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999

The Evil Side of Television
by Joe Lavin


This is the story of my nineteen inch television and how I tried to
ship it from California to Massachusetts. Brace yourself. It is not a
happy story. I tell this story so that others may learn from my
mistake. Never -- I repeat -- never try to ship a nineteen inch
television.

Problem #1 -- I wake up that day and realize I need a box. That's no
problem at all, I think. I head to the Box Depot, a store that
features not only many boxes but also a rodent-like dog who insists on
attacking my friend repeatedly. Suffice it to say that their slogan
seems to be, "Sparky!!!! No bite!" I eventually get a twenty-four inch
cube. My friend eventually gets out alive. I also buy packing supplies
-- $9 worth of little white peanuts or, as they soon will be called,
little white minions of Satan.

Problem #2 -- At first, it looks like there won't be a second problem
and that everyone in the world will live happily ever after. I put
the television in the box, drop in hundreds of the little minions,
seal it up, and bring it to my car. All runs smoothly until . . .

Well, the box doesn't fit in the car. I understand that it doesn't fit
in the trunk. As I look at the trunk, I realize I could never get away
with murder because I wouldn't be able to fit the body in the trunk.
Practically nothing fits in the trunk, but somehow I just can't
believe that the box won't fit in the back seat. I realize that my
unscientific measurement of the car door earlier in the day really
should have been far more scientific.

Problem #3 -- I call a few shipping companies to see if they'll pick
it up. However, the shipping fees they want to charge are slightly
more than the value of the television, which is several years old and
often has to be unplugged to be turned off.

Luckily, without the box, the television will fit in the back seat.
Our new plan is to pack it outside the UPS building. We remove the
television from the box and put it in the back seat, which of course
causes millions of the little white minions of Satan to go flying onto
the ground. It takes about fifteen miserable minutes to pick up the $9
of white things. Eventually, we collect them all, fold up the box,
throw it in with the television, and are on the road ready for . . .

Problem #4 -- UPS is in the ghetto. Well, not exactly. There are worse
sections of Los Angeles, but there are so many more that are nicer. My
computer is also in the car, and I grit my teeth as I drive my most
valuable possessions through this neighborhood. Red lights last for
eternity.

Problem #5 -- Can you believe it? I am running out of the god damn
white things. Initially, I had more than I could comprehend, but
somehow many have escaped through the time-space continuum into a
parallel white things universe. After we pack the television in the
parking lot, there is now a gaping space at the top of the box.

UPS closes in a few minutes, and I have to leave the next day. I must
do something. I search frantically through my car for stuff to put in
the box so that the television won't rattle. I find some towels. I
find a plastic container of water. I empty what's left of the
container and throw it in the box along with the towels. I feel like a
damn fool, but the box really doesn't look that bad. At least, that's
what I keep telling myself. It almost looks like everything might work
out until of course I come across . . .

Problem #6 -- UPS Guy: "I see this isn't the original box."

Me: "Um."

UPS Guy: "I have to open it."

Me: "No!!!"

UPS Guy: "What?"

Me: "I mean, you don't really need to do that. I mean, it's fine the
way it is. Um, right?"

UPS Guy: "I'm sorry. I have to see if it's packed properly."

Me: "No, please!"

That, of course, is the end. The first thing he sees is the empty
water container. A few drops of water drip out as he picks it up.

"It has to be in its original box or packed professionally." He says.

"But it's --" Well, it hasn't been packed professionally, and I know
it. Frankly, being called a mere amateur in the field of packing
stings. I explain how I had been told by UPS that I didn't need the
original box, but he doesn't care. He just shrugs and tells me that
he can't take the box.

It would be one thing if I could blame him for being rude or nasty,
but I can't. He is perfectly nice and listens patiently as I vent my
anger. He nods frequently and even apologizes occasionally. He seems
to be a wonderful person. I hate him. I am not thinking rationally.
Just to be a pain in the ass, I insist that he seal the box up again.
I return to my car and of course . . .

Problem #7 -- Well, the box still doesn't fit in my car. So there I am
with my wonderfully patient friend in this dark, lousy neighborhood,
looking at a giant box that won't fit in my car. That's when I decide
just to leave the stupid television in the parking lot and drive away.


Well, that would be the perfect ending, but I don't have quite enough
guts to do that. Instead, we unseal the box, take the television out,
and put it in the back seat. And of course, the white minions of Satan
go flying all over the UPS parking lot. Somehow, all the ones I lost
before mysteriously reappear. A few hundred more from that parallel
universe seem to have joined them. I'd like to leave them there, but a
security guard is giving me a dirty look. And so we spend the next ten
minutes again picking up white things off the ground and throwing them
into my trunk.

There is a happy ending, sort of. The television eventually made it to
Massachusetts. On my drive across country, I put it in the back seat
and drove it through San Francisco, Las Vegas, Denver, Kansas City,
St. Louis, Chicago, Columbus, Harrisburg, and into New England.

Here's the strange part. Remember how I said the television wouldn't
always turn off. Well, now that it's been loaded in and out of my car
dozens of times, carried up the steps of several hotels, driven across
the bumps of fourteen states, and cursed at more times than I can
remember, it no longer has this problem. Yes, now that I hate my
television and never want to see it ever again, it works just
perfectly.

Go figure.

__________
Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin

Evolution of Product Documentation


Most documentation starts as hastily scrawled notes from
sleep-deprived developers who weren't necessarily hired for their
keen communication skills. Those notes are then fleshed out by
recently graduated English majors who have spent their last four
years immersed in works of fiction. The results are then passed on
to the marketing department whose job it is to make sure that no word
or phrase will reflect unfavorably on the product ("I don't think
that the word 'Basic' properly communicates the exciting nature of
the product. Why don't we call it 'Visual Zesty?!'"). It is then
beset by lawyers who finish the job by making sure that they haven't
explicitly promised that the product will actually do anything. By
the time the documentation gets into your hands, it has been so
sanitized for your protection and generalized beyond recognition that
you usually have to go out and buy a 3rd-party manual (that was, more
likely than not, written by the same non-technical technical writer
who wrote the original documentation) in a vain attempt to get an
unbiased, unexpurgated, and unfiltered view of just how you're really
supposed to use the stuff.


-Introduction
About The "@ Novell" Series
November 3, 1998

The Evolution of a Programmer- read to the end ...

High School/Jr.High

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END


First year in College

program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.


Senior year in College

(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))


New professional

#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;

for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}


Seasoned professional

#include
#include

class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;

public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}


string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &,
const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const
string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}

string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}

int main()
{
string str;

str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;

return(0);
}


Master Programmer

[
uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
library LHello
{
// bring in the master library
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");

// bring in my interfaces
#include "pshlo.idl"

[

uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
cotype THello
{
interface IHello;
interface IPersistFile;
};
};

[
exe,
uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
module CHelloLib
{

// some code related header files
importheader();
importheader();
importheader();
importheader("pshlo.h");
importheader("shlo.hxx");
importheader("mycls.hxx");

// needed typelibs
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");
importlib("thlo.tlb");

[
uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
aggregatable
]
coclass CHello
{
cotype THello;
};
};

#include "ipfix.hxx"

extern HANDLE hEvent;

class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
public:
IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
~CHello();

HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR
pwszString);

private:
static int cObjRef;
};

#include
#include
#include
#include
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) :
CHelloBase(pUnk)
{
cObjRef++;
return;
}

HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR
pwszString)
{
printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}

CHello::~CHello(void)
{

// when the object count goes to zero, stop
the server
cObjRef--;
if( cObjRef == 0 )
PulseEvent(hEvent);

return;
}

#include
#include
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
ULONG ulRef;
DWORD dwRegistration;
CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE,
NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF,
CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

// wait on an event to stop
WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

// revoke and release the class object
CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
ulRef = pCF->Release();

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();

return(0);
}

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /*
2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34,
0x28, 0x20 }
};

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /*
2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34,
0x28, 0x20 }
};

#include
#include
#include
#include
#include
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

// get object path
wcsPath[0] = '\0';
wcsT[0] = '\0';
if( argc > 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1],
strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be
specified\n");
return(1);
}

// get print string
if(argc > 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2])
+ 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL,
COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath,
&pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello,
(void **)&pHello);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx",
hRslt);

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}

return(0);
}


Apprentice Hacker

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die
"Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg:
$!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;


Experienced Hacker

#include
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 :
1);}


Seasoned Hacker

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out


Guru Hacker

% cat
Hello, world.
^D


New Manager

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END


Middle Manager

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program
that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D


Senior Manager

% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this
afternoon.


Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

Why We Should Feel Sorry for Tech Support People



A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."


Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back
to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.


Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"


I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons --
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to --"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times?

Eve -- she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other!

Flame Response Form


If you are part of any public listervs - which are public discussion
group - you are all too aware of the craziness of being part of
such as group: Threads (Continuing Discussions) which last a lifetime,
insanely boorish comments and the all too common trite replies
"I agree"

Well there is now a standard reply form for FLAMING
(listed under the government e-mail paperwork reduction act)
For those unfamiliar with the term, flaming is the immediate
and often irrational response to emails that annoy you.
They can be sent to individual on public listervs -
where people mouth off their opinions.

PS. If you are new to the web, read carefully to avoid
being flamed yourself.

This is a bit long, but you have all weekend

Enjoy,
Eric, JokeMaster

Dear:

[ ] sir [ ] clueless one [ ] twit [ ] great man on campus
[ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] twerp [ ] comrade
[ ] Elvis [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ] Babe
[ ] Geek [ ] Boob [ ] Communist
[ ] Republican [ ] Democrat [ ] Liberal [ ] Conservative
[ ] Other ( )

You are being gently flamed because.

--------------------
GENERAL
--------------------
[ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps)
[ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article
[ ] you posted the inanely stupid '$250 Cookie Recipe' article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid magic weight-loss article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid cheap s**t at high prices article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid 'Fix Your Credit' article
[ ] you posted an inanely stupid "Good Time Virus" warning.
[ ] you repeatedly have shown lack of humor
[ ] you have a SIG with more than 4 lines of ASCII graphics
[ ] you assumed that AOL/CIS/Prodigy founded the Internet
[ ] you assumed that the Internet is a U.S. only phenomenon
[ ] Repeatedly requested info on where to find XXX stuff.
[ ] Repeatedly harassed people with androgynous names like Chris, Jamie, or
Rajhatmalhaban, with "Are you a girl?" or "M/F?" questions.

--------------------
FOR LISTERVS (Open discussion Groups)
--------------------
[ ] you sent a please remove me from the list message to the
list rather than the list-sever
[ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread
[ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to
[ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads
[ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities
[ ] you advocated Net censorship
[ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority
[ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve
[ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread
[ ] you are posting an anonymous attack
[ ] you responded to an obvious troll
[ ] you posted an obvious troll

[ ] you neglected to do research on the chosen subject
[ ] you asked a question that was covered in the available FAQ
[ ] you redundantly covered the same point over and over
[ ] you crossposted excessively
[ ] you used long lines, i.e. you didn't break up your lines after
60-70 characters, thereby making it hard to quote your post.
[ ] You posted a request to send business/get well cards to a little boy with
cancer who is trying to break the guiness book record.
[ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post.
[ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post and your addition
was "I agree" or "Me too."
[ ] Barged into a quiet little newsgroup/IRC channel/MUD/whatever and
started stinking up the place just because you read an article about
the newsgroup/IRC channel/MUD/whatever in some magazine or hads seen it
on TV etc....


[ ] you discussed the following in a non-nutcase newsgroup;
[ ] hollow earth theory [ ] alien President theory
[ ] orbital mind control frisbees [ ] faith healing
[ ] government weather control [ ] Russian psychics
[ ] Squeaky Fromme [ ] the nation of France
[ ] robot spy bees [ ] sexually promiscuous space aliens
[ ] "Manos, the Hands of Fate" [ ] Beavis & Butthead anything
[ ] flat earth theory [ ] government consipiracy theory
[ ] the veracity of any X-Files plot (see all of the above)
[ ] Other:

[ ] you considered the following to be reliable reference sources;
[ ] Golden Books' "Exploring Science", printed 1955
[ ] Any program covered by Talk Soup or [ ] SNL News
[ ] Oliver Stone [ ] Hard Copy [ ] Inside Edition
[ ] The National Enquirer [ ] The Sun [ ] NY Post
[ ] The Union Leader [ ] Pravda [ ] OMNI Magazine
[ ] Company Marketing Hype [ ] Microsoft [ ] The Simpsons
[ ] An unidentified, but obviously stupid, person or publication
[ ] Other:

In the future, you may wish to;

[ ] do not delete the "welcome to the list" message you recieved
when you joined
[ ] allow boring and useless threads to die
[ ] remember that not all newsreaders are threaded
[ ] recall that there are academic and commercial users on the net
[ ] remember that the Internet is multinational
[ ] consider that others may know more about certain subjects than you
[ ] exercise some humility
[ ] be careful of where you are crossposting to
[ ] 'lurk' without posting for a few days to learn the forum of a group
[ ] get used to being mocked
[ ] stop volunteering for Armed Forces pharmaceutical experiments

I would like like to suggest that, for the common good, you;

[ ] wait at least two hours before responding to another post
[ ] read the FAQ (frequently asked questions) list for the group
[ ] learn to use the 'kill' command to eliminate erroneous posts
[ ] post only to alt.dev.null
[ ] selectively respond to threads after reading all new messages in
that thread
[ ] voluntarily apologize in a brief post
[ ] no longer contribute to this newsgroup/mailing list
[ ] no longer contribute to any newsgroup/mailing list
[ ] no longer contribute to the gene pool
[ ] look into the possibility of medication for the above problems
[ ] familiarize yourself with the history of the Internet
[ ] familiarize yourself with the concept of:
[ ] patience [ ] tolerance [ ] caution
[ ] common courtesy [ ] succinctness
[ ] vocabulary [ ] higher brain functions
[ ] Other:
[ ] Re-install what ever failed mental operating system
you are currently running on

Please save this message and review it occasionally to determine
your progress toward being;

[ ] a useful member of Internet society
[ ] a less annoying member of Internet society
[ ] a human being
[ ] a fully-functional human being
[ ] a tolerable poster
[ ] integrated into humanity
[ ] re-integrated into the wild
[ ] Other:

Thank you for taking the time to read this form flame.

Proper Care of Floppies

What if People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers


General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers

--but imagine if they did...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know
all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000.00 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes
with everything built in!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it
crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do
you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't
crash anymore!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,
power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my
car!"

Gates Give Coke Some Pointers


Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market,
explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the
ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly,
since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them.
Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We
might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
That'll be $3.99.

J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.

C: Sorry, they're bundled.

J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

C: You don't; the Coke is free.

J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
got integrated Coke!

J: I already bought a 7-Up across the street - I'm not going
to drink the Coke.

C: Then you can't have the burger.

J: Okay, fine, i'll pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally
inseparable.

J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!

C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

J: Why did you just do that?!?!

C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured
of a continuous taste across all your foods.

J: Aaarrgh!

A Short Glossary of Computer Terms

Analog: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.

Back-up: Current data errors that have been saved for future use. See Database Back-up or File Back-up.

Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.

Bit: 12 1/2 cents ($.125).

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude.

Bug: Any type of insect.

Byte: Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc.

Coding: An addictive drug.

Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.

Computer: A device used to speed and automate errors.

Control Character: Any person who has money to spend for any reason.

Crash: A Normal Termination.

Cursor: An Expert in four-letter words.

Database: A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be processed and printed many times by the computer system. Sometimes called Input File or Data file.

Debugging: Activities necessary to remove insects from any area where they are not wanted.

Diskette: A mobile accessory to transsfer and to store errors.

Downtime: The time in which the computer rests while you sink into the lower depths of depression. (Downtime typically takes place while you are in the middle of your most important work on the computer.).

Drive: A hardware part were errors are loaded from diskettes. The moment the dirve's led is on can be described as the computer's orgasm.(the noise indicate it too!)

Errors: The normal result of running a computer system.

Hardcoded: Computer program code that has been allowed to dry. Hardware: 1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes and such. 2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked.

Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into the system quickly.

Logic: Orderly path always followed by programs & errors.

Loop: See Loop.

Maintenance: Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues to produce errors and delay work efficiently.

Never-Never Land: 1. Place where no one grows up. 2. Place where programs love to go. - It is also called the Twilight Zone

Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal.

Printer: A device that prints computer errors on paper.

RAM: A male sheep.

Reset: A button located on the computer's body,which make easier the "trip" of the programs to the Never-never land. It is conssidered as the only way of avoiding errors.

ROM: 1. A Ram after a delicate operation. 2. What programs do in Never-Never Land.

Screen: The part of the computer where the errors are seen for the first time. It is also the part programmers love to break the most.The most inginous and smart feature of the Screen is that it can be turned off.

Software: 1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc. 2. Parts of computer that can not be kicked.

Sometime: Those occasions when a computer error message can be interpreted and understood.

Security: A feature of computer system access which helps prevent the mis-use (or proper use) of the system.

Table-Lookup: A piece of furniture that has been attached to the ceiling.

Turbo: A mode in which the computer compiles the errors faster. It sometimes may help the programs to reach the NeverNever land.

Uptime: The time in which a computer works & produces errors quickly and efficiently.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began expected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3,

Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.



REPLY:



Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife

1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds5.0!

WARNING!!!

O NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Good luck,

Tech Support

GirlGriend Version 1.0



I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in
background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to
say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them
separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have
enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require
a Token Ring to run properly. He was right--as soon as I purged my
cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me
a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down
for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with
GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I
didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any
other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some
way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections
with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires
within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but
soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes
as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't
load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go
with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0
which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware,
it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful
about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.

What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer?

A Harry Reasoner!

Hitching on the Information Highway
by Kal Rosenberg




After Mom passed away we carried home her big TV -- her first and only
color set. We had bought it for her birthday twelve years before. It
was bigger than the one in our bedroom so we put hers there instead. It
had no remote control, so I asked Sandi to please pick up a zapper first
chance she got. She did.

The DeLuxe Universal Remote lay inside an impressive bubble pack. It
claimed the ability to remotatize any TV set in this and nearby
galaxies. It came with a nice little instruction book. The nice little
instruction book had forty-eight pages. On page three it proclaimed
that anyone over the age of six could easily program the zapper.

Still, I knew we belonged to the electronically challenged generation.
Despite a solid liberal arts education, we had been unable to play
recorded music since our eight track went. But now the Universal Remote
Company was making us a promise. It was my big chance, especially since
I felt I knew more than most six-year olds. This new link in my golden
chain might at last connect us with the twentieth century before it
ended. I fantasized operating CD players -- whatever they are -- and
pre-setting our VCR (which would no longer mock us with insatiable 12:00
... 12:00 ... 12:00 ...). I might even glide across a suddenly
comprehensible Internet! We could leave our horse-and-buggy days
behind, appliancewise. A powerful mantra from the DeLuxe Universal
Remote zapper would empower us, placing us at last in harmony with the
strange and distant electronic universe in which we now floundered.

I read each of the forty-eight pages in the nice manual. (Six-year olds
must be much smarter than in my day!) I scrupulously switched, set,
held, waited and pushed. All was in place. I hit the final button.
Nothing. I was dumber than a six-year old. Dumber than his shoes. I
was Neolithic. Obsolete. A fossil. Frozen in an ice block of time --
like a lump of pineapple in a Jell-O mold -- somewhere between pin boys
and the Shirelles. It seemed that God was not about to let us cross
over into the land of cyber-milk and virtual honey, even after aimless
wanderings in the vast Computer Desert, lo these many years.

As I put the remote back in its bubble pack I thought about making an
excuse for when I returned it. I would say it was not my size. As I
turned the package over to re-staple it, there in bold red print was
what seemed to be my last chance to ride on the Information Highway: IF
YOU FOLLOWED ALL INSTRUCTIONS AND THIS UNIT FAILS TO OPERATE YOUR
ELECTRONIC APPLIANCE, CALL THE 800 NUMBER BELOW. DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK
IF OUR UNIVERSAL REMOTE FAILS TO PERFORM!!!

Another promise. With three exclamation points.

I must have done something wrong, and some kindly phone voice,
accustomed to assisting primitives, would gently lift me higher, higher,
until we dazzled with zapper-competence. I phoned the 800 number.

"Universal Remote customer service. This is Jeffrey. How can I help
you?"

"Jeffrey, I have your remote. I can't get it to work."

"Which model please?"

"It's the DeLuxe."

He seemed annoyed. "They're all DeLuxe, sir! Is it the DeLuxe
Universal Remote One or the DeLuxe Universal remote Two?"

"I don't know. How do you tell?"

There was an exasperated pause. "The 'One' has a big 'One' on the
front, sir." Another pause. "The 'Two' ... "

" ... has a 'Two.' Okay Jeffrey, it's a Two. I'm with you so far."

"Okay then. What brand is your set?"

"Zenith."

"Super. How old?"

"Twelve years."

"That works for me. Now, how about all the steps on page sixteen? You
do 'em?"

"Yes."

"How about the trouble-shooting section, pages forty-four through
forty-seven?"

"That too."

"Not to worry. I'll walk you through it. First, get the original
remote and turn it over."

"Original remote?"

"Yeah. The one that came with the set."

"Jeffrey, if I had an original remote why would I buy yours?"

"Whaddaya mean?"

"What I mean is, Jeffrey, for one TV I only need one remote. Why would
I have two? If I had the original, I wouldn't have had to buy one."

"So, you don't have the original then."

"What original?"

"Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me your set never had a remote?"

"I do."

"Well," he laughed, "that's bad, because this one won't work."

"Oh, but that's good, Jeffrey. You can just send me double my money
back."

"We can't do that."

"It says so right here on the package."

"Yeah, but if your set never came with a remote then no remote will work
'cause you don't have a sensor."

"There's no mention of 'sensor' in the nice instructions. If we needed
one of those things, somewhere in here is should have told us that and
we would have bought one."

Another one of those pauses. "Sir," he said softly, as if speaking to a
child, "let's say you have this car, and you want to take a ride. Now,
you have the key, but there's no engine. So, you open the door, you get
in, you turn the key. Now, what do you think happens?"

"I think I get double my money back for that car!"

"Sir! Everyone knows you need a sensor in your TV for a remote to
work. What you are saying is ridiculous. Either this is some kind of a
joke -- which I really don't appreciate -- or you've been asleep for
twenty years." Then his tone suddenly changed. "I don't mean to be
abrupt or rude, sir. And please excuse me for asking, but are you all
right? Is there someone there with you I can talk to? Someone who
takes care of you? Do you know your phone number? I'll have a
supervisor call you right back. Maybe we'll send you double your money
back. Would you like that! Hello? Sir? Hello?"

I hung up. It was like I was struck down by a modem (which until
recently I thought was a feminine hygiene product). This young boy --
what could he possibly know of life -- who had just spoken to me as if I
were a six-year old (and not a bright one), became seriously concerned
because I was out of touch with his reality. And so I was.

I still would like to surf the Web, watching megs and gigawhatsis scoot
around us. Patiently we will wait for our high-tech Fairy Godmother,
our booted up Robin Hood. But slowly I'm learning. A little here. A
little there. You know what those computerniks say: "Hit any user to
continue."

Do You Know ...How These Names Came About?!?!?

Adobe - came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the
house of founder John Warnock.

Apache - It got its name because its founders got started by applying
patches to code written for NCSA's httpd daemon. The result was 'A PAtCHy'
server -- thus, the name Apache

Apple Computers - favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three
months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call
his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a
better name by 5 o'clock.

CISCO - its not an acronymn but the short for San Francisco.

Google - the name started as a jokey boast about the amount of
information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally
named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100
zeros. After founders - Stanford grad students Sergey Brin and Larry
Page resented their project to an angel investor, they received a
cheque made out to 'Google'

Hotmail - Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the
web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up
with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of
names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included
the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages.
It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective upper casing.

HP - Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the
company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or
Packard-Hewlett.

Intel - Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company
'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain, so they
had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.

Lotus (Notes) - Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The
Lotus Position' or 'Padmasana'. Kapor used to be a teacher of
Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

Microsoft - coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was
devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft,
the '-' was removed later on.

Motorola - Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company
started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the
time was called Victrola.

ORACLE - Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting
project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the
project was called Oracle(the CIA saw this as the system to give answers
to all questions or something such).
Acronym for: One Real Asshole Called Larry Ellison ??

Red Hat - Company founder Marc Ewing was given the Cornell lacrosse
team cap (with red and white stripes) while at college by his
grandfather. He lost it and had to search for it desperately. The
manual of the beta version of Red Hat Linux had an appeal to readers
to return his Red Hat if found by anyone !

SAP - "Systems, Applications, Products in Data Processing", formed by 4
ex-IBM employees who used to work in the
'Systems/Applications/Projects' group of IBM.

Sony - from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang
used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.

SUN - founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym
for Stanford University Network.

Xerox - The inventor, Chestor Carlson, named his product trying to say
dry' (as it was dry copying, markedly different from the then
prevailing
wet copying). The Greek root `xer' means dry.

Yahoo! - the word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book
'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in
appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! founders Jerry Yang
and David Filo selected the name because they considered
themselves yahoos.

The New Birds & the Bees:

The mystery is gone ... How was I born?

The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months
later a blessed little Popup appeared and said, "You've got male!"

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was
a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been
called
Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town
to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a
camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will
place
drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying
what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best
price. And
the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony
Stable
(UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But
this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself
inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man
did
take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel
dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or
NERDS
for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches
and
the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches
were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every
drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that
would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it
came to
be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are,"
and Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said
Abraham.
And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.

There are several ways you could approach this situation. You could talk to girls in real life, but that is slow and difficult. Because communicating via network is more powerful than communicating via broadcast, we would be losing out on the network effect if we were to approach girls manually. Approaching girls at parties and bars is like Pussy 1.0. I'm here today to introduce you to an entirely new concept, one that I like to call Pussy 2.0. By using Orkut, we can greatly amplify our ability to pick up bitches. Think of it like turning a pussy magnet into a pussy electro-magnet.

Setting the Scene

The first step is making yourself look cool. In general, you want to project an image that combines manliness and wealth. No balls, no blue chips. No blue chips, blue balls.

Now that you know the strategy, let's look at the tactics:

1. Get as many friends as possible. If you don't have at least 100 friends, you should probably kill yourself.
2. Write on lots of people's walls. Then they'll be obligated to write back on your wall, and you'll look really cool.
3. Make sure you're profile picture has alcohol in it. This will make it look like you have lots of friends and get invited to all the cool parties.
4. Under interests, list things like your favorite clothing brand and where you last went on vacation. This will subtly hint that you have lots of money in a tasteful way.
5. Say that you're married to another guy. Everyone will think this is really funny. Trust me.
6. If all your music tastes are really obscure, add at least one trashy pop album. This will make you look like a man of the people. Alternatively, if all your music is generic rock, add at least one album that no one has ever heard of. This will make you look classy.
7. Join lots of political groups about things like ending discrimination and saving Darfur. This absolves you from real world responsibilities like helping others and voting. If Martin Luther King Jr. were still alive today, this is exactly what he'd be doing.

Remember, success comes first in the mind, then in your pants, never the other way around.

The Initial Contact

The next step is to actually approach the women. Here are some general principles for success:

1. Poke lots of random girls. If you do this enough, one of them will definitely have sex with you.
2. Choose girls with no pictures. If the girl has no picture, there's probably a reason. If you want to seal the deal, then deal with the seal. Ask girls out on their wall instead of through private messages. If you can't charm them into saying yes, then publicly embarrass them into not saying no.
3. Once you ask her out and she says yes, don't sign onto AIM or answer your phone until your date. This will make it harder for her to change her mind.
4. Similarly to rule three, choose a date that's hard for her to get out of if she gets nervous. For a good first date, I'd suggest a plane ride to Thailand with a twelve year old bottle of wine.

Getting Her to Have Sex With You

When trying to figure out whether or not a girl likes you, learn to recognize the holy trinity: She touches you, she lets you touch her, or she touches herself. While there's no way to know for sure whether a girl likes you short of hooking electrodes up to her genitals, these are some good signs. But what do you do if she doesn't seem to like you? The best answer is hypnosis. Here are some tips:

1. Try to penetrate your vocabulary with sexual words to get her subliminally turned on. Use phrases like, "The sky above us is so beautiful, but so is the ground blow me." This will make her want to have sex with you. It really works!!
2. Using leading phrases like, "Before we go back to my apartment, would you like another drink?" By hiding a statement inside a question, she is forced to do what you say, as if you had Jedi mind powers. This rare technique is impossible for her to resist.

If you have followed all of the previously steps correctly, the girl should now be having sex with you. Congratulations!

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and
look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it
on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a
good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a
different screen than the one it's set up with.

Write a program that plays the "Pokemon" theme song and play it at
the highest volume possible over and over again.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.

Use AIM to make passes at people you don't know.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it,
say, "Just in case..." mysteriously.

Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing.

Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops. Forgot."

Every time you press return and there is processing time required,
pray, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!"
when it finishes.

"Disk fight!"

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you,
whether you know them or not.

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type
by hitting the keys with the straw.

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Thong
Song" whenever there is processing time required.

Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it
to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn't
work, get the supervisor.

When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two.

Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next
to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person
enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far
more effective to let them linger.

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on
your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the
aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper
like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad
working conditions.

Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in a great flood" and
continue working.

Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.

Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat).
Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper
this way.

Attempt to eat your computer mouse.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking
it.

Bring in a bunch of magnets and have a ball.

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes
the old ways are best.

Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until
you see that your neighbor is noticing. Then look at your neighbor's
keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire
word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your
head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing
this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document.
Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print
out your document and leave.

Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor
and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects,
put some glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
drooling.)

Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out
laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your
stuff and leave, howling as you go.

Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the
mouse, then leap back and yell, "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under
the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this
time," and calmly start to type again.

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a
chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the
lead doesn't work.

Come into the computer lab wearing several extra-stinky species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily exclaim, "You're such a marvel!" and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, the computer assistant, and then
walk out.

Run into the computer lab, shout, "The Apocalypse is here!" then
calmly sit down and begin to type.

Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
rev 'er up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me
that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next
week."

Two words: Tesla Coil.

A man loved a girl studies computer science/engineer.
he sent a letter saying :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER
Believe me it is true...

You installed the best in me.
Your picture is always in my background.
You clicked my heart gently.
You drive me crazy when I see you.
Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness in
me.
You restored my kindness after I thought it was
corrupted.
I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart
beat per second.
You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
You are the only one that could navigate my feelings
and explore my emotions at the same time.
I feel lost when I try to call you and you are not
responding.
I always feel you close to me when I shut down my
eyes, or when I open my windows waiting for you to
pass.
You are the only one that can log into my heart and
never log out.
I dream of being your only serveras long as I live.
You don't have to search for me,cause we are always
linked to
each others.
I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my homepage
and all my software.
I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected by
you.
You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I
do?.
You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
Believe me it is true...
I love you more than my CPU.

If AOL Made Cars


1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH
speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape
player{tm}.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this
and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from
seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW
model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no
apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’a
pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for
family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make
payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car
off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to
other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving
near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars
stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave
worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder,
M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another
AOL car owner.

19. AOL cars would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other
cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "good-Bye."

If Architects Worked Like Programmers...
...Here is How the Request Would Be:


Dear Architect:

Please design and build a house for me. I am not quite sure what I need,
so
please use your discretion. My house should have between two and 45
bedrooms. Make sure the plans are such that bedrooms can easily be added
or
deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final
decision on what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each
configuration so I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the
one
I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the
deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen
vibrates when I walk across it and the walls don't have nearly enough
insulation).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance
costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of
extra-cost
features like aluminum, vinyl or composite siding. (If you choose not to
specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials
are
used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the
most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be aware, however, that the kitchen
should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson
refrigerator.

To ensure you are building the correct house for our entire family, make
certain you contact each of our children and also our in-laws. My
mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should
be
designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure you weigh
all
of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however,
retain the right to overrule any choices you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to
develop
the overall plans for the house; get the big picture. At this time, for
example, it is not appropriate to choose the color of the carpet.
However,
keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build
the
house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and
specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the
house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that
sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. Therefore, it
should appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Make sure before you
finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area
that they like the features of this house. I suggest you run up and look
at
my neighbor's house he built last year. We like it a great deal. It has
many features we would also like in our new home, particularly the
75-foot
swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe you can design this
into
our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this
time to do the real design, since these blueprints will be used only for
construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable
for any increase in construction costs as a result of later design
changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as interesting a project as this!
To
be able to use the latest techniques and materials, and to be given such
freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often.
Contact
me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife just told me she disagrees with many of the instructions I've
given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to
resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable
to
accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to
find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer.
Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothinghappened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't goanywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needlepointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay
the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"
===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"HELPLINE: "What were you
doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then
it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
doesn't crash anymore!"
===============================================================
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go placesin my
car!"

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install it now. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART, ma'am?
Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running, ma'am?
Customer: Let's see... I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running now.
Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off, ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until it's erased the programs you don't want.
Customer: Okay, now LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?
Tech Support: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412-PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?
Tech Support: Don't worry, ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTs but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Tech Support: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Tech Support: Excellent. You're getting good at this. Now, click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. Ah, one more thing.
Customer: Yes?
Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.
Customer: I will! Thanks for your help!

An International View of Y2K

Most widely used calendars will not have any problem next year.

In many countries, next year will be 1420. When the new year starts in each
of those countries will depend on where that country is relative to the
International Lunar Date Lines, or on actual observation of the phase of the
moon.

In Israel the next year will be 5760.

In Thailand and many other countries it will be 2543.

In Ethiopia it will be 1991.

On Java it will be 1922. (Is your browser Java enabled?)

In India the number of the next year is manifold. For Jains alone, it will
be 2057 and 2527.

On Indonesian wall calendars each day's box has several date numbers and day
names. In Bali it is very important to know what day it is. There are
three cycles of weeks that run simultaneously: each day has a name from the
3 day week, another from the five day week, and one from the seven day week.
Together, the three names name the day. The year has 210 days.

Next year will be 89 on Taiwan.

Though its number will be 2000 on government forms, a recent survey showed
that almost half of the people in China, when asked, say:

Next year will be Dragon.

You Know You Are Addicted to the Internet When ...



* You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.

* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
phone lines.

* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.

* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

* And even your night dreams are in HTML.

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com

* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
had heart problems before.

* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when it happened.

* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.

* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.

* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.

* Your dog has its own home page.

* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?

* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.

* You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts
illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor.

* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.

* You refer to your age as 3.x.

* You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.

* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

* You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to
ask.

* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?

* You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.

* You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.

* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

* Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger
bandwidth.

* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

* Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
IRC channel.

* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
useless.

* You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1 or higher."

* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.

* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

* You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see
it while you are pretending to catch your breath.

* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.

* You forget what year it is.

* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think
it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for
"surfing the net".

* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you
can chat.

* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

If Internet Companies Provided Cable Service


TV stations are starting to provide INTERNET access, but could you imagine
if INTERNET Service Providers were to provide CABLE?




All the most popular shows would just 'slow down' just because there were too
many people watching it at once.

The nudie channels would make you click your remote saying, "YES, I AM OLD
ENOUGH, LET ME SEE THE STUFF."

When you change channels, there'd be a 5 to 10 second wait with an hourglass
on the screen while the next channel is connected to. The more people watching
a show, the longer the hourglass stays there.

There'd be a "back" button on the remote so you can take another look at what
you just watched.

Sometimes your TV will complain it cannot "FIND" what you're looking for.

You'd be able to make your TV store the things you like, until it gets too full,
then you'd have to delete a few things.

There'd be an arrow on the screen blocking the view, and you'd have to slide
your remote control around on the coffee table just to change channels.

When you complain that you cannot connect your tv and get cable, or that the
Hourglass is just staying on the screen all the time, they'd say: "Well, were
busy now, that's the way it goes."

You'd be able to instantly be able to send messages to anyone else with a TV.
The downside of that is that ADVERTISERS would be able to instantly send
messages to everyone for free as well.

They would advertise, "All the TV you can watch for $20 a month!"

If you're having poor reception, the technical staff at the station would suggest
trying to reconnect again, turning your TV OFF and then ON again, Blaming the
problem on you, Getting you to re-program your TV, and then telling you that
your TV just isn't good enough and to buy one ten times as fast for about $3000.

New software for your TV will make it run slower and require hardware upgrades.

After about 1.5 years, your TV would be completely useless for watching, and
you'd have to go out and buy another TV for about $2500 dollars.

You'd have to hire a high school kid to help you set up and connect your TV.

They'd take one good COAX cable and split it up into 10000 smaller slower cables,
1 to each customer.

If you have 2 TV's, you'd be able to connect them and have your own Network.

The NEWS would be only 5% relevant, full of ads,and messages from people sending,
"me too" messages.

You could pay a lot for a TV now, or you could wait a few months for the price
to go down.




So I don't think I'll ever get cable from an Internet company... or buy a TV,...

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet?
Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure
to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to
the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's
Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your
score to see if you should be concerned:




What do you think are good names for children?

Scott and Jenny.
Bill Gates IV.
Mozilla and Dotcom.


What's a telephone?

A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
Something you plug into a modem.


Which punctuation is most correct?

I had a wonderful day!
I had a **wonderful** day!!!
I had a wonderful day :-)


You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:

Visit the washroom.
Raid the fridge.
Check your E-mail.


What are RAM and ROM?

A male sheep and a city in Italy.
Hulking stars of the WWF.
I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.


To avoid a virus you should:

Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.


When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:

Ask friends where to purchase it.
Check out the Yellow Pages.
Go to Yahoo!


When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:

Call the retailer.
Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.


When you want to see all the beautiful people you:

Visit a club on a Saturday night.
Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.


How do you introduce yourself at a party?

Hi, I'm Jane!
Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.


When you're interested in someone at a party you say:

Tell me more about yourself.
What's your star sign?
What's your Profile?


If you really like the person, you say:

Could you tell me your phone number?
What's your E-mail address?
Let's chat Private.


When I say spam, you think:

Ham in a can.
Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
I mailbomb all spammers!


When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:

I don't need another mug coaster.
Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.


When you want to research a reference you:

Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
Go to www.altavista.digital.com.


When you write a letter you:

Put pencil to paper.
Open Eudora.
Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?


Different types of text formatting include:

Writing and printing.
Underline and double-strike.
Bold and italic.


You correct errors using:

An eraser.
White-out.
Backspace or delete.


You sign your name:

Best regards, John Smith.
See you in IRC, John_Smith.
Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.


To keep a copy of your letter you:

Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
Take it to the photocopier.
Check your Sent Mail folder.




SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each
"b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log
more hours in real life.

If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix
of Net and reality.

If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.

Internet Virus Warning



******************************************************************
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
******************************************************************
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it
is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly
hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, e-mail viruses, taxes on modems, and
get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers", a spokesman said. "Most are
otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
to them by a stranger on a street corner". However, once these same
people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone", reported
one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child
story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about
Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there
were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the
virus must be true". It was a long time, the victim said, before she
could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is
Jane, and I've been hoaxed". Now, however, she is spreading the word.
"Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following:
-- The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
-- The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
-- A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story
is true.

T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
"I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos
makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo".

When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop
reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall
tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and
there is on-line help from many sources, including:

-- Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at

http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html

-- Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at

http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

-- McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at

http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html

-- Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at

http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html

-- The Urban Legends Web Site at

http://www.urbanlegends.com

-- Urban Legends Reference Pages at

http://www.snopes.com

-- Datafellows Hoax Warnings at

http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on
evaluating sources, such as:

-- Evaluating Internet Research Sources at

http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm

-- Evaluation of Information Sources at

http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm

-- Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at

http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

It *is* possible to design responsible alerts for people to circulate
on the Internet. Here is a how-to that draws positive conclusions
from long experience with the evils of badly designed alerts:

-- Designing Effective Action Alerts for the Internet at

http://weber.ucsd.edu/~pagre/alerts.html

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
forwards them a hoax.

No, Windows 95 is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:



They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows 95 does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so -- okay, Windows 95 does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
Windows 95 does that too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows 95 does that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows 95, too.



Until now it seems Windows 95 is a virus but there are fundamental
differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most
systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they
tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows 95 is not a virus.

Well see about NT-4









Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:36 PDT 1999

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a
contest, with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours
straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,
taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and
God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset,
and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."

.... A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the floor.
After that the HR manager said "You are engaged, give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start".
The man replied, " I don't have a computer, neither an email" I'm sorry",

said the HR manager, "if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job". The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$.
The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled day by day.
Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to get life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied: "I don't have an email". The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire.
Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"!!
The man thought for a while, and replied: "an office boy at Microsoft!

Junk Mail 101
by Andrew Hicks


Last year, I wrote a column called "Hate Mail 101." It was one of
my favorites and turned out to be a favorite of most readers as well. So
in memory of that and respecting the fact that I have nothing else to
write about right now, I'm doing a spin off. This time I'll reprint and
grade ten e-mails, from A+ to F, from the other end of the "unwanted
mail" spectrum. This is a guide to junk mail, all of which I've received
this past week. For reference purposes, I'm using each e-mail's subject
line as its title...



1. Please Help Me


Ah, the desperation of junk mail. This one reaches new lows,
declaring, "I don't know what is most important--kids, or the planet our
kids will live on after we are gone!" So he decides to exploit them both,
beginning with kids. "FOUR MILLION people will be poisoned this year from
cleaning products. Over TEN THOUSAND little kids will DIE this year.
That is HEARTBREAKING!" Then he talks about how his brother died when he
was ten and asks, "Are you willing to help save a kid's life?" If you
are, get ready to buy some all-natural cleaning products, which don't
poison our water or kill our kids. And just look at that shine! "Some
people may accuse me of being a profiteer," this poor guy says. He
doesn't know the half of it, but the sad part is, he'll probably make a
lot of money on this. Then he'll push his sister overboard so he can sell
the world the Amazing Non-Slick Ship Deck Mop. The lower these junk mails
sink, the better they get. Grade: A.




2. Re:


Yes, "Re:" was the subject line. This is one of the only junk
mails circulating that doesn't give any details about the product in the
subject header, but when you read the mail you see why. They're trying to
sell you two computer programs called "Virtual Girlfriend" and "Virtual
Boyfriend," both of which simulate relationship activities for those who
are unable, or perhaps unwilling, to experience them in real life. "You
can watch them, talk to them, ask them questions, tell them secrets, and
relate with them. Watch them as you ask them to take off different
clothes and guide them through many different activities." If you act
now, you can also get "Club Celebrity X," a program that puts the
Hollywood elite in a new light. "You have seen these girls on T.V.,
Magazines and billboard ads. Now they are on your computer begging for
action." If you're lucky, you might even get one of them to be your
virtual girlfriend. The order form itself is the best thing about this
junk mail; that's where you find out you can get Virtual Girlfriend or
Virtual Boyfriend for $10, or get them both for just $15.95. That's for
people who somehow think buying only one of these is not pathetic enough.
Hint to my friends: Christmas is just around the corner. A-.




3. THIS IS ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO NEEDS MONEY RIGHT NOW!



Well, hell, I needs money. So I listened to Dick Hollman when he
told me his life went from repossessed cars and bill collectors to luxury
cruises, new cars and "a second home in Virginia," all when "I received a
letter telling me how to earn $800,000 anytime I wanted to!" How about
next Tuesday? he asked himself. The scheme is simple. You send the people
on the list one dollar each and ask them to add your name to their lists.
Then you send this mail to as many people as you can. Cyrus Huntington
returned the letter and, three days later, he won the lottery. John
Hopkins refused to return the letter and, three minutes later, he died.
The choice is clear, and the sacrifice is little in the long run. As Dick
writes, "BE HONEST, HAVEN'T YOU 'BLOWN' MONEY IN RESTURANTS OR ON ITEMS
THAT GIVE ONLY TEMPORARY PLEASURE?" Oh, like, say luxury cruises, new
cars and a second home in Virginia? Dick's all-caps urgency, his
insistence that this age-old scam REALLY WORKS, his subject-verb
disagreement in the subject line and his bringing hope to many pathetic
individuals actually stupid enough to fall for this e-mail ensure him of
his place in junk mail history. An instant classic. A+.




4. I Make $250 to $1000 A Week!!



When I first saw this subject line, I thought, "So what, a
janitor makes at least $250 in a week," but then I realized, this guy is
working for "One Of The Hottest Most Exciting Marketing Groups On The
Internet," The One That Capitalizes Every Word They Use. Then this
anonymous writer declares, "I MADE $160 MY FIRST DAY!!!" Having sex with
who again? This guy works for the Marketing Warriors, which sounds like
some community business college football team. It was founded by Allen
Says, brother of Simon, and plugs some "secret site" where you can
download millions of e-mail addresses for your personal use, presumably
so you can send people senseless, unsolicited e-mail like this and learn
how, among other things, "to print your own money....legally!!" This junk
mail is all over the place, promising lots of money (probably fake money
they printed "legally") but offering no details other than the secret
site, and it has its share of widely varying capitalization. Make it work
for you. C+.




5. Immediate Release: El Nino update...



Perhaps the absolute worst junk mail I've come across lately,
this one offers to educate investment opportunists "how to take advantage
of the potential effects of El Nino on the agricultural commodities
markets!!" This year's El Nino "could be the worst one in 150 years," so
why not make some money from it by investing in soybeans, corn and wheat,
the foods that will no doubt reach famine levels of shortage when revaged
by El Nino? The catch is, you have to commit to a minimum investment of
$6,000. Now, do you think anyone stupid enough to read past the first
line of this e-mail really has $6,000 at their disposal? From the same
people who brought you "Cash in on your grandmother's rape!" F.




6. The Cash Cow is MOOING!!



That's right. You already know the cash rooster is crowing and
the cash elephant is stampeding, but now the cash cow is mooing. "Call
the number below and find out how to make thousands of dollars each week
simply by getting people to call an 800 number! WE DO EVERYTHING ELSE !!!
!!! WE CLOSE ALL SALES FOR YOU !!! $$$$ 100.00 FAST START CASH * PAYDAY
EACH FRIDAY $$$$ WE ADVERTISE * WE RECRUIT * WE CLOSE YOUR SALES ****ALL
WHILE YOUR AT WORK OR AT PLAY **** $$$$ START MAKING $ 100.00 BILLS
RIGHT NOW !!!" People, THIS is an excellent junk mail. All caps, a
groaner of a subject line, confusing repeated punctuation, use of "your"
for "you're" and, of course, absolutely no details about what kind of
business you're entering into. Even the jaded head of a student painter
scam would be proud. A+.




7. MOUSE PADS WITH YOUR FAVORITE PHOTO! GREAT GIFT!


This one loses a letter grade for being an actual, tangible
product and not some kind of pyramid or sales scheme. It also loses a
letter grade for melding one pathetic product with another. I think we
all see enough pictures of our friends and family, we don't need to be
running our mouses across their faces every time we're on the computer.
Nevetheless, the manufactures think, that for only $14.75 plus shipping,
"Its time to REPLACE your OLD, DIRTY, FRAYED, BORING mouse pads with
LOVED ONES, FAMILY, FRIENDS, PETS," and so on, as if to suggest a mouse
pad with a picture of a loved one would somehow not be boring. Now, if
someone actually had a pet mouse and wanted to put the mouse's picture on
the mouse pad, I could see the novelty value, but otherwise, no f'ing
way. This is no fly-by-night operation, though: "Our Mouse Pads are made
from the HIGHIEST QUALITY 'NO FRAY' cloth tops and 1/4" deep non-skid
rubber bottoms." If I'm not mistaken, so are the Virtual Boyfriend and
Girlfriend accessories. These people do earn a small amount of credit in
my book for including the line, "We will ship it back to you OR TO ANY
ADDRESS you prefer!" which opens up endless possibilities for sending
enemies obscene photos. And since these mouse pads are of the "HIGHIEST
QUALITY," the enemies would probably end up using them. D+.

8. Make money From People Watching TV



I got this one three times in a row. It starts with the line,
"Just Released," probably describing the author's parole. This e-mail
describes some kind of vague digital satellite sales job, "setting up
people with DSS satellite equipment at no charge. As a representative
with our company, you will get paid between $25 and $100 for 'giving
away' Digital Direct Satellite Dishes." So they pay you to give away
their equipment? They don't explain how they make money doing this, but
rest assured there is illegal activity involved. The fact that "giving
away" is in quotes suggests something sinister, like perhaps that they've
"borrowed" the satellite dishes from some electronics store. The closing
line reads, "If you are ready for the greatest business opportunity to
come down the pike, don't miss this one, it is only 2 months old!!!"
Younger is better in junk mail; you have to go with a company that has
not proven itself at all, whose business strategies don't make any sense
and who put words in quotes. Overall, very effective. B+!!!




9. A personal message...


Shannon Johnson, CEO, writes, "I have to tell you that I am
really angry and upset about what is going on here on the Internet. We at
Success Concepts are so angry, in fact, that we decided to do something
about it." More specifically, they decided to make everyone else angry by
sending them junk e-mail. This one, like so many others, offers to sell
you everyone else's e-mail addresses so you can bug the hell out of them
like they do. This is unremarkable junk mail -- where are the screaming,
all-caps promises? Where are the missing details of shady business? Where
are the erotic software offers? D.




10. I know all about you...



This subject line was followed by the promise, "Now YOU CAN KNOW
TOO..." So I'm supposed to pay you so I can know about me? Okay, let me
get my checkbook... I admit, when you see e-mail with a subject line like
that, you read it. You want to make sure you're not being blackmailed,
that no one knows about you and Marv Albert and the three drunken flight
attendants last May. Then this guy tries to sell you information on how
to find dirt on everyone. "Check out your spouse, or even your daughter's
new boyfriend!" And I'm sure he knows what I did last summer, but the
lack of any personal details to freak me out kept me from falling for the
scheme. Now, if he would have said anything about May with Marv, I would
have been sold. C-.

Laptops in Recent Movies




Four of the biggest films of 1996 -- Twister, Eraser, Mission
Impossible and Independence Day -- have one thing in common besides
box-office success: in each film, portable computers played a prominent
role. We decided to put the portable computers in these flims to the
test and asnwer once and for all the question, "Hey, if I happen to find
myself in a big-budget Hollywood movie, which portable computer will
give me the
best performance?

TWISTER
Twister featured a Silicon Graphics laptop, which is intesting
since Silicon Graphics doens't make laptops. Nevertheless, a label
reading "Silicon Graphics" was placed conspicuously on the computer,
because you just never know when you might forget the brand name of your
computer. Overall, this computer performed more than adequately. For
one thing, it was robust. While seemingly everything else in the movie
was sucked into the tornado, the Silicon Graphics laptop was unharmed.
This is incredible when you think about it. Houses, cows and even an
18-wheeler were blown away by tornadoes, but this computer remained
undamaged, even when it was used at one point as an umbrella.
Aside from personal bad-weather protection, another important
feature of the Silicon Graphics laptop was its ability not to
self-destruct due to the complete inanity of the script. My sources tell
me that many lesser computers were unable to make it through the first
third of the film without a system error.
One computer actually exploded in the first 20 mintues after a
particularly silly scene involving the fiancee of Bill Paxton's
character. But not the Silicon Graphics laptop. It kept on performing at
a high level. If the big-budget film you're in happens to have a script
with all the subtlety of a bad Baywatch episode, then the Silicon
Graphics laptop is definitely the computer for you, even if it doesn't
exist.

ERASER
Eraser also featured a portable computer. Unfortunately, I do
not know which portable computer it was. Neither does anyone at Warner
Brothers, including Steve in Product Placement, who informed me, "I'm
sorry, this office cannot comment on that."
It really doesn't matter, though, because the Unknown Laptop is
a real disappointment. About all that can be said in its favor is that
it didn't blow up. Admittedly, that's an accomplishment. After all,
practically everything else in the movie exploded, sometimes more than
once. If you do find yourself in a flick with lots of exploding
buildings and houses, you might want to find out what computer this one
is. Just don't ask Steve in Product Placement, because he can't comment.
Where the Unknown Laptop comes up really short is in
performance. For example, early in the film Vanessa William's character
copies important files onto a CD-ROM(!). When she arrives home and
attempts to open the files with her laptop, she finds that the CD-ROM
will not run, thus making the computer completely useless for the film.
Because of this defect, Williams and Arnold Schwarzenegger must break
into CIA headquarters and open the classified files from within the
high-security building.
Admittedly, this may be more of a software problem than a
hardware problem. Microsoft is now working on a plug-in for Windows 95
that will allow users to open classified documents stolen from the CIA,
but the original release date was set for November 1995. After countless
delays, Microsoft now refuses to set a new date for the release. The
truth is that it might be several years before an operating system is
available that will reliably open classified documents stolen from the
CIA.
Furthermore, Herbert Naylor, an imaginary spokesman for
Microsoft, claims that this defect is really not a problem. "The movie,"
he rightly says, "was starting to drag at that point, and if not for the
computer failing, the screenwriters might never have come up with a
reason for the characters to break into the CIA." This is a salient
point, and one the serious computer user must consider. Among the
computers reviewed here, the Unkonwn Laptop was clearly the best at
moving the plot along.


MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
One of the stars of Mission Impossible was a Macintosh PowerBook
540C. I know this because I called Apple Computer, and they were
positively giddy to tell me about all the Apple computers used in films
this summer. They'd probably still be talking to me right now, if I
hadn't come up with an excuse to end the conversation.
In this film, the Macintosh advantage is clear. Whereas the
Unknown Laptop was unable to open classified files, Tom Cruise's
PowerBook did not have the same problem. It easily handled classified
information. Nevertheless, the PowerBook 540C did display some flaws.
For example, many of the most popular lists of classified information
take several months longer to be released for the Macintosh platform,
but the PowerBook 540C's superior ability in opening classified files
makes it well worth the wait. One can only hope this will persuade
developers to release more lists of classified information for the
Macintosh.
Another interesting feature of this PowerBook is its superior
acting ability. For example, in several scenes the PowerBook managed to
outact Cruise. True, this is not that difficult an accomplishment. (In
one scene, the leg of a table in the corner of the screen outacted
Cruise for several seconds). Nevertheless, it is always impressive when
a portable computer manges to outperform the lead actor.
You may have mixed feelings about this. If you're the type of
actor who likes to be surrounded by superior actors in the hopes that
this will make the movie that much more successful, then the PowerBook
540C is for you. However, if you're at all worried about being upstaged,
you might want to consider another model.

INDEPENDENCE DAY
Independence Day (or: How I Saved the World From Destruction
With a PowerBook) featured a Macintosh PowerBook 5300. This movie is
where the Macintosh really shines. While the other computers performed
adequately in their films, no other portable computer was able to save
the world from alien desruction. Therefore, the PowerBook 5300 is our
selection as the best portable computer of the group.
Remember the old days when connecting to alien spaceships by
modem took hours of confusing configuration, and was sometimes
impossible because you lacked the proper drivers? With the PowerBook
5300, that era has come to an end. Everything on it is preinstalled.
Just point and click, and you are all set. Thanks to Apple's new
technology, you can even use your modem to play Doom against alien
lifeforms.
Equally impressive is the fact that Apple seems to have
eliminated the problem of screen freezes. Not once in the entire film
did the computer freeze, forcing Jeff Goldblum to reboot. For me, this
was even more unbelievable than the concept of aliens rom another planet
coming down to Earth and trying to destroy the human race.
If Goldblum had had to use my Macintosh, instead, the scene near
the end in which he and Will Smith fly to the alien mothership to upload
a computer virus may have turned out entirely different:
GOLDBLUM: Okay, all we have to do is wait for it to upload the
virus into the alien mothership. Oh, damn! It's stopped! The screen
froze!
SMITH: Don't be giving me none of that freeze stuff! I told you
we should have used a PC!
GOLDBLUM: It'll be okay. We just have to restart the computer.
SMITH: We got three minutes.
GOLDBLUM: Three minutes! I can't restart a Mac in three minutes!
Aaaargh! We're all gonna die!
At this point, the human race would have been destroyed, the
movie would have ended, and audiences across the nation wouldn't have
been as pleased. But the PowerBook 5300 in Independence Day saved the
day, proving that Apple has again become a serious player. If you find
yourself in a big-budget film in which the existence of the human race
is in your hands, you have no choice but to buy the PowerBook 5300.

24 Things You Learn About Computers From the Movies


1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical
interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command
shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in
plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by
simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in
computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke
billows out of disk drives and monitors.

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on
the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the
screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really*
advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as
the characters come across the screen.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that
forces you backward. (See #7, above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving
the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
data at two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked
for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,
everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't
labelled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a
CRAY-MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that
it projects itself onto his/her face.

23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.
Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow
down users.

For those of you not blessed/cursed by living on UNH campus, Telecomm
has offered those of us in the dorms direct PPP lines. They connect
to our serial ports and run at a nifty (for the dorms anyways) 38400.
Of course, being the brilliant folks they are, they give you a 16 bit
version of winsock ('Lose '95 won't do it's built in PPP thing
through a serial port), so you can't run a lot of software. I
managed to get the upgraded version for 32 bit connections, so it
works swell now. The problem comes in when I tried to get my linux
box hooked up.

I got the ppp daemon compiled, the script written - everything seemed
keen. The problem started when I tried running it. It connects - I
can resolve host names, etc, but for some reason, data transfers
REALLY slow for some things ... like telnet. You can't even telnet
TO my machine at all. The weird thing is that ping works fine.

My next move after playing with it for a while? Call the help desk!

Here's how it went:



(after waiting for about 20 minutes on hold)

Supposed Tech: "Hi - how can I help you?"

Me: "Hi - I'm trying to hook up my linux box via PPP and I'm running
into some problems. It works fine under '95, but I can't seem to get
it to connect right under linux. I can resolve hostnames and even
..."

T: "Um, sir - what kind of computer is it?"

Me: "IBM compatible. Specifically, an Ambra."

T: "Ok - what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?"

* Slapping my forehead... *
Me: "This is linux. It doesn't run Trumpet Winsock."

T: "Oh - it's a DOS program?"

* sigh *
Me: "No - it's an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under '95."
(Well, after I upgraded to a 32 bit version on my own, anyways)

T: "Well, have you tried running this program under '95 then?"

* aggh!! *
Me: "No - it IS an operating system. It doesn't run under another
operating system."

T: "Oh. Ok - so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?"

(murdurous thoughts are beginning to go through my head)



After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understands
that Winsock won't run under linux for some weird reason.



Me: "So, can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?"

T: "Sure - I just need to get some info from you..."



She gets down my name, room number, phone number, computer type and
brand, then we get interesting again.



T: "Ok - so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows '95?"

Me: "Neither - it's linux."

T: "Which type of Windows does it run under though?"

(I'm sharpening my axe now...)

Me: "Neither! It runs on it's own!"

T: "Oh!!! Oh! I'm sorry, in that case we can't help you. We only
support Windows 3.1 and Windows '95."

Me: "WHAT?!?"

T: "Sorry - that's all we're currently supporting. Have a nice day."

<Click>



So, does anybody know where we hire these people? 8)

How to know that you are in 2003:

1-You accidentally enter your password on the
microwave.

2- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3-. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
your family of 3.

4-You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
you.

5- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6- When you go home after a long day at work you
still answer the phone in a business manner.

7- When you make phone calls from home, you
accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8- You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies

10- You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
smiling.

11- As you read this list, you think about
forwarding it to your "friends"

12- You got this email from a friend that never
talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from
the net.

13- You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

14- You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn't a No.9 (Bet you all did this one!?!?!?)



Have a nice Day

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no
screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that
scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my HP sales rep. I needed to buy an
entire new series 70--the works. He said it would take about an hour.
Three hours later, we'd barely gotten the datacomm hardware down on
paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began . . . .


MMUs (Main Menu Units)

00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and
condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.


My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The
waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if possible.
Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?" "No sir. All our
service is menu driven. Now what would you like?" I scanned the
menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?" "The patty is rated at eight
bites." "Well, how about the rest of it?" "I don't have the specs on
that, sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too small.
Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option
002 'expands burger to two patties.' The double burger upgrade
would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a
couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who
nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62
Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around
and looking very excited.

"What if . . . we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable
option and without the burger and cheese? It would be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger--excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and
pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too." "That's
not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in
again. "Thats not a supported configuration." "What now?" I kept my
voice steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget
the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but
thats not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't
fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first
release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110.
French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English
Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell
a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The
confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is
configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles.
"No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf." I
wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your
meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"
"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of
the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never
forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

"You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it
on my way to the table, and decided it would pass as an emergency
napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at
me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a stand alone chair by
the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups
of chili and sauerkraut for a hot dog somebody else had ordered.
The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded . . . .

I woke up clutching the water glass at my bedside table. It was
five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I
did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in
sick.









Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999