Death -- A Continuing Scandal


GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- World Health Organization officials expressed
disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous
efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals
worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.
Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life
functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health
concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities
worldwide, the condition has no cure.

"I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments,
rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might
at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst
Bladt said. "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains
constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time."

Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive
failure on the part of the planet's health care workers. "The inability
of doctors and scientists to adequately address this issue of death is
nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Gretto said. "Do
you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like? Well, I
do, and believe me, it's not pretty. In prolonged cases, total
decomposition of the corpse is the result." "What about the children?"
the visibly moved Gretto added.

"At this early date, I don't want to start making broad
generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it is
beginning to seem possible that birth -- as well as the subsequent life
cycle that follows it -- may be a serious safety risk for all those
involved." Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the
non-dead as well. "Those who suffer from death can be highly
traumatized by it, often so severely that it kills them," noted
therapist Eli Wasserbaum said. "But it can also be very traumatic for
the still-living who are left behind. The sudden cessation of metabolic
activity characteristic of terminal cases of death often leaves the dead
person in a position where they are unable to adequately provide for the
emotional needs of their loved ones." In the most serious cases of
death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma inflicted upon these
still-living victims of death may continue throughout their entire
lives, until their own deaths. "Thus," Wasserbaum said, "the vicious
cycle" of death trauma continues indefinitely."

"Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but
nobody seems to actually seems to doing anything about it. I propose we
stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar
hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge profits
from it." Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld
from the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking
down on death."

Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader
agreed with Domenici. "Why should we continue to spend billions of
dollars a year on a health care industry whose sole purpose is to
prevent death, only to find, once again, that death awaits us all?"
Nader said in an impassioned address to several suburban Californians.
"That's called a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not
fair. Its time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the
so-called 'medical health professionals' and said: 'Enough is enough.
I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"