Preparing For Your Hospital Experience

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Preparing For Your Hospital Experience

  • Lay nude in your backyard and ask the gardner to probe you with his hoe.

  • Urinate into a thimble.

  • Learn to tolerate lukewarm spongebaths by forgoing your adored hot shower for a week and using one sink full of tepid water to clean yourself. Do not wash your hair, either!

  • Toothbrush? What's that?

  • Run your hand over a moving orbital sander while practicing your smile and repeating to yourself: "This is just mild discomfort."

  • Do not go grocery shopping for 2 weeks, and clear all real food out of the house.

  • Drink a quart of any house paint, preferably white. Then have someone try to force a slinky down your throat while you force yourself to breathe through your nose.

  • Get dressed in a paper tablecloth and stuff straws up your nose. Lie on a bus bench during the rush hour.

  • Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes. Alternately rub an ice cube over your chest, stab yourself with a knitting needle, and tie a necktie around your arm so tight it feels like it will fall off.

  • Get used to talking in the "We" mode, as in "How are we today?" "We are just fine, thank you."

  • Decorate a rolling coat tree with several strands of Christmas lights plus a bag of yellow liquid. Practice walking up and down crowded aisles in the grocery store wearing your paper tablecloth, worn terry robe, and paper slippers. Bonus points for doing this in the frozen food section.

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