Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

• If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
• If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
• If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
• If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
• If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!