Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the main box. Have one of
your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard
as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again
in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of
the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your
clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one
breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask
a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast
is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and
repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the
waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the
bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Set an
appointment with the stranger to meet next year
and do it again. You are now properly prepared.