- Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
- Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
- Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
- Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
- Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
- Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians, health care managers and other humanitarians.
- Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
- Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
- Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side forover a year.
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
- 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
- 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
- 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
- 1920 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
- 1975 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
- 2006 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch! - Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it! - Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache. - Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doctor: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the... - Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doctor: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST? - Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises! - Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doctor: So what's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak! - Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bridge!
Doctor: What's come over you?
2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train. - Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards!
Doctor: I'll deal with you later. - Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle!
Doctor: I see your point. - Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!
Doctor: Pull yourself togerther man! - Doctor, Doctor I have 59 seconds to live!
Doctor: Wait a minute will ya! - A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up. - A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can't read it.
An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons. - A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough. - A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes. - A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know they are a nurse. - A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc. - A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them. - A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance. - A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic. - A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath. - A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse. - A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody. - A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. - A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all. - A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter. - A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone. - A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy. - A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in their bag. - A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
An experienced nurse does. - This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
- Viagra, Home of the whopper
- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.
- You are assisting a primary nurse with charcoal administration down an orogastric tube. The room measures eight feet by twelve feet. The patient starts to retch before the tube is pulled. Knowing that charcoal can spew out of a tube in a five foot radius (even with a thumb over the opening) and the stretcher is two feet wide, how many feet per second do you have to back up to get less charcoal on you than the primary nurse?
- Doctor A picks up a chart out of the rack. S/he finds that it is a repeat patient with abdominal pain. Doctor A puts the chart back. Doctor B picks up the chart five minutes later and also returns it to the rack. Doctor A leaves the nurses' station heading south at three miles per hour. Doctor B leaves the nurses station for the doctors' lounge at five miles per hour. How long before the patient is at equal distance from Doctor A and Doctor B?
- You were assigned two large treatment rooms and the gynecologic room. By the end of the day you have cared for ten patients. Four patients were female over the age of 80, all complaining of weakness. Two patients were male, ages 72 and 50. The last four were female, between the ages of 24 and 40, all complaining of abdominal pain. It is 3:00 p.m. and time to restock the rooms. How many bedpans will you need?
- You are the primary nurse for an elderly patient with congestive heart failure. The IV stick was exceptionally difficult, but you are able to start an 18 gauge catheter on the second attempt. You leave the room to check on another patient. A relative thinks that the IV has stopped dripping and opens the clamp. How much IV fluid will infuse before you return?
- You are sent for your morning coffee break. You need to use the restroom but can't find one unoccupied and have to walk down to the lobby. The coffee pot is dry and you have to make more. When you get to the cafeteria, the line extends ten feet into the hallway. You can't remember exactly when your break began. How much time do you have left?
- You are the primary nurse taking care of a particularly shy female in the gynecology room. Her private physician arrives to see her, but you can see that he is not in a particularly good mood. After much coaxing, the patient agrees to a pelvic exam. How many people will open the door during the exam?
- An elderly man arrives in the Emergency Department by rescue squad. Twenty minutes later his wife arrives and registers him. She is shown the entrance to the department and slowly shuffles in. How many rooms will she walk into before she finds him?
- You are assigned to the EENT room. You have a patient to be checked for a peritonsillar abscess. The ENT physician has been paged and expects to arrive in 45 minutes. Three hours later, he arrives and is at the patient's side, asking for a flashlight. Lightly jogging at 22 miles per hour, how many rooms will you have to search before you find one?
- You have been asked to cover a coworker's rooms during her break. One of her patients is an elderly, confused male with an enlarged prostate. A catheter has been inserted and his physician is coming to see him. Somehow he manages to get off the stretcher. The drainage bag is firmly hooked to the side rail. Knowing that the catheter is 16 inches long and the drainage tubing is three feet long, will he be able to reach the door before pulling out the catheter?
- The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
- You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
- The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
- When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
- If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
- There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
- When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid ...
- Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
- As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
- Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
- You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
- Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
- Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
- The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
- During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times its budget on refreshments.
- During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings were removed, and (as aforementioned) the budget was already spent and gone.
- During megalomania month, the club organization broke down due to having sixteen claimants to being Club President, etc.
- During multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues.
- During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zero as each member changed his or her mailing address and left no forwarding address for the club.
- MIRRORCILLIN -- A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
- STOPPANAGGIN -- Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
- COSMOPOLIRA -- Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing "facts" in trash lifesytle magazines to be disputed.
- LOGICON -- Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as "you dont't love me anymore".
- PARKATRON --72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Festiva into a space only 12 metres long, 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
- MAGNATACK -- Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
- WARDROBIA -- Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a "sale" notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
- BEERINTULIN -- Engenders a females desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
- "Today class, let's open our convicted criminals to rib two."
- "Don't bite it! You need to swallow it alive for it to work!"
- "They should translate these obscure medical terms into something easy, like Latin."
- "It may seem like pointless superstition to you youngsters, but I haven't washed these hands since my first delivery 37 years ago."
- "What do you mean we're out of wild boar snout?!?"
- "Headache? Take two spotted salamanders and call me in the morning."
- "Arthur, Schmarthur. What kind of insurance dost thou have?"
- "Verily, it would seem our instructor Master Bush knoweth not the name of *any* disease!"
- "Good woman Thurmond, to you a son is born. 'Strom' shall he be called."
- "Put down that dwarf and hand me the pliers!"
- "Now, remove the speculum from the fire and insert it thusly..."
- "No, no, push that yellow stuff back in. That's pus from the *good* fairy!"
- "Good knight, thy speed at treating boils is unsurpassed in all the kingdom! Thou shalt be called 'Sir Lance-a-lot'."
- "Come now Hypoglycies, how can too much sugar possibly be bad for you?"
- "Gesundheit! Now be sure to wipe that off his liver."
- Lay nude in your backyard and ask the gardner to probe you with his hoe.
- Urinate into a thimble.
- Learn to tolerate lukewarm spongebaths by forgoing your adored hot shower for a week and using one sink full of tepid water to clean yourself. Do not wash your hair, either!
- Toothbrush? What's that?
- Run your hand over a moving orbital sander while practicing your smile and repeating to yourself: "This is just mild discomfort."
- Do not go grocery shopping for 2 weeks, and clear all real food out of the house.
- Drink a quart of any house paint, preferably white. Then have someone try to force a slinky down your throat while you force yourself to breathe through your nose.
- Get dressed in a paper tablecloth and stuff straws up your nose. Lie on a bus bench during the rush hour.
- Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes. Alternately rub an ice cube over your chest, stab yourself with a knitting needle, and tie a necktie around your arm so tight it feels like it will fall off.
- Get used to talking in the "We" mode, as in "How are we today?" "We are just fine, thank you."
- Decorate a rolling coat tree with several strands of Christmas lights plus a bag of yellow liquid. Practice walking up and down crowded aisles in the grocery store wearing your paper tablecloth, worn terry robe, and paper slippers. Bonus points for doing this in the frozen food section.
- You've got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.
- You really lose it whenever someone says, "Good morning."
- You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.
- You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.
- Given a choice, you'd have no preference between sex or a root canal.
- On a really bad day, you wouldn't come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.
- You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference.
- Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.
- Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement.
- He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."
- Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."
- After examining you, he says, "Now do me."
- He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
- He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."
- His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."
- Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go."
- He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- Uh-oh.
- I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
- Better crank up that anesthesia.
- I don't think that was supposed to come off.
- Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
- Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
- Hey....maybe the janitor knows what this is.
- Cool! These colors are giving me flashbacks.
- If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
- If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
- If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
- If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
- If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!
- Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
- The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
- The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
- Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
- The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
- With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.
- You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
- Exam room has a tip jar.
- You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument
tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
- The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
- Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
- Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
- Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you
enter the trailer park,"
- 24-hour pre-authorization line is 1-800-GUD-LUCK.
- Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
- Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
- You find humor in other people's stupidity.
- You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.
- Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.
- You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
- You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
- You think unspeakable evil will befall you is anyone says: "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
- When you are out in public, you compliment complete strangers on their veins.
- You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide - Getting It Right The First Time."
- You have ever had to leave a patient's room before laughing hysterically.
- You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
- You have ever restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.
- You commonly utter the phrase: "What changed tonight at 2am that made this emergency after 6 months?!"
- You believe that "Too Stupid To Live" should be a diagnosis.
- You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel idea.
- When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group.
- You have been exposed to so many x-rays you don't even bother with birth control.
- You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in the hearts of your co-workers.
- You have heard, "Why, I don't know how that got stuck there" too many times.
![[email]](http://www.toolset.org/files/icons/email.png){kind=icon}
First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People
Electricution
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
Treating burns and scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
too late for this).
If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
an example.
Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
rest of your job easier.
Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
food hit you in the eye, however.
Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Make a mental note to order soup next time.
Cuts And Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means.
Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
little joke.
Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
the victim any more before you can get to it.
Concussion
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President
is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the
victims score and send it to me at this address:
Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345,
the highest score wins a mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the
lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
you might be dead, or blinded or something.
Electricution
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
Treating burns and scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
too late for this).
If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
an example.
Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
rest of your job easier.
Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
food hit you in the eye, however.
Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Make a mental note to order soup next time.
Cuts And Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means.
Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
little joke.
Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
the victim any more before you can get to it.
Concussion
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President
is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the
victims score and send it to me at this address:
Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345,
the highest score wins a mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the
lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
you might be dead, or blinded or something.
The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.
2 Drops Every 4 Hours
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back
in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away
that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the
directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he
abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that
the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist
had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back
in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away
that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the
directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he
abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that
the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist
had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I
have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up
his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a
rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,
'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up
his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a
rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,
'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked
the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''
Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into
his ear:
''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''
the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''
Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into
his ear:
''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''
Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.
They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct?
The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
......."Doctor, I have an ear ache."
A Short History of Medicine
I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A doctor is walking down the street and sees a store sign that says
BRAINS FOR SALE. So he walks in.
He says, "How much is a doctor's brain?"
The man says, "$100 bucks."
The doctor says, "How much is a nurse's brain?"
The man says, "$500 bucks."
The doctor says, "How much is a lawyer's brain?"
The man says, "$1000 bucks."
The doctor asks, "Why is the lawyer's brain so much?"
The man says, "Because it's never been used!"
BRAINS FOR SALE. So he walks in.
He says, "How much is a doctor's brain?"
The man says, "$100 bucks."
The doctor says, "How much is a nurse's brain?"
The man says, "$500 bucks."
The doctor says, "How much is a lawyer's brain?"
The man says, "$1000 bucks."
The doctor asks, "Why is the lawyer's brain so much?"
The man says, "Because it's never been used!"
A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.
She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different
story!"
She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"
The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"
The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different
story!"
Advice for Pre-Meds
Here is a little something for first year students or those wishing to enter.
It was originally published under another name. Hope this helps.
Dont ask me but somehow I received your message about Medical School. I am
just starting my 3rd year clerkships as a medical student at LSU in New
Orleans, LA. There are a few things I would like to tell you before you start
medical school....and, of course, these are only my opinions and may not
represent the opinions of anyone else in this entire world....so take it with
a grain of salt.
01 - Everyone, including my doctor, told me to get the hell out of medicine
before I got in.
02 - I busted my ass in high school, college, etc...to get to med school.
03 - Once in medical school, what you did to get you there no longer matters.
04 - Be prepared to study....then study somemore, and then a little more...
and then be prepared to not do well on the test.
05 - Be prepared to accept the reality that you may be an idiot (this came
as a shock to me).
06 - Be thankful that everyone else in your class is also an idiot and no
one expects you to know everything all at once, and for every test.
07 - Realize that getting ahead in med school means making lots of
friends ... those who step on toes to get to the top are quickly
shunned by the rest of the class. This is very bad since people
tend to get a hold of old tests, helpful hints, book
recommendations, etc..that will be of great benefit to you. If you
are the smartest person in the class...dont try to show off and be
cocky. There will be plenty of opportunities for people to
undermine you if they decide they dont like your attitude. In
short, have fun, be nice....make sure you are likable to a large
number of people.
08 - No one can go through medical school 8 times, so dont be such a "pal"
that you end up doing extra work (typing a review sheet, for
example) for your friends while they are out having a good time.
09 - For me, the first year was NOT the hardest. This is b/c I was used
to busting my ass to get into medical school that I never slowed
down. For some, it is the "wake up call" if you never studied in
college.
10 - The second year IS the hardest, its survival of the fittest. They
want you to know everything about everything, and some more in
between. People quit after every exam.
11 - Once thru your second year, the rest is cheesecake. You dress like
a doctor, work like a doctor, and hopefully start acting like a
doctor.
12 - Once thru your second year, you realize the first 2 were bullshit and
you know nothing and can't remember the rest.
13 - Its relatively easy to PASS medical school, it requires more
dedication than genius to get a High Pass, and a mixture of both to
Honor.
14 - Remember that P=MD (meaning that if you PASS you will become a
doctor). Also, remember that P is not equal to ENT, SURGERY,
OBGYN, DERMATOLOGY, etc...so basically, everyone who graduates is a
doctor, but not everyone who graduates is the doctor they may want
to be.
15 - In the middle of the second year, they could not pay you enough to
be a doctor.
16 - In the middle of the second year, you cant afford to quit b/c you now
have a huge loan to pay back.
17 - The best years of your life are while you are in medical school.
18 - The worst years of your life are while you are in medical school.
19 - Dating in medical school is close to impossible. If you can find
someone who understands your language, your schedule, your attitude,
your financial situation...marry them first, ask questions later.
20 - Sleeping/eating right become luxuries in medical school.
21 - Noone will ever understand your schedule or what the hell you are
doing (eg why you have to study 2 weeks before a test).
22 - You will have to study 2 weeks for a test.
23 - You will have to learn to budget your time wisely if you want to ever
have a life. Same goes for your money.
24 - Some people go out every night and do exceptionally well in medical
school...if this is you...great. If this is not you...Sorry.
25 - Some people bust their ass every day and fail medical school...hope this
is not you.
26 - The person who finds the best balance between study, social, family,
friends, entertainment will make the best of medical school.
27 - The ass who always aces every test and never studies is everyone in
medical school BUT you.
28 - The fact that you can dissect a rat in college has no bearing on your
performance in medical school.
29 - The fact that your favorite class in college is Biology is unique
b/c the smartest people in medical school today are NOT biology
majors and, in fact, have never taken such a class.
30 - The fact that you have taken such classes will help in the first year,
and give you more time for other things while your classmates are
"learning how to use the microscope".
31 - If a histology class is offered at your school, take it..take it
again...teach it...learn to love it. You can essentially SKIP your
medical school histology class if you know it well enough.
32 - You may have thought that all the BULLSHIT classes you took in high
school/college would come to an end when you got to medical
school ... sorry...they are still there.
33 - You wont believe the amount of information they want you to know.
34 - You wont believe the amount of information you can forget.
35 - Old tests can save your ass...they can also sink you if you just
memorize answers.
36 - You will have to rearrange your life, study habits, friendships
around being a student. No one will understand that you need to
study so much, for so long. I study at least 10 hours a day, every
day. I usually take a day off. Some people dont..thats just me.
I also am not at the top of my class. You have to find your
balance/grade tradeoff/relationship breaker time periods for
studying.
37 - Drugs are bad, dont do drugs. If you need help staying awake, you are
too tired to study..go to sleep.
38 - Your friends, collegues, will do drugs and make A's. Hopefully, life
will weed them out. Until then, be cool and realize that maybe
making C's is your maximum performance level.
39 - Dont neglect friends/family/pets - they are good for fun/meals/etc.
They can also be a drag (Come out with us, you can study tomorrow).
You need to have a long talk with these people if you do get into
medical school.
40 - To the rest of the world, you are not a doctor until you graduate the
4th year. To your family, you are a doctor two weeks before you
start your first year. If ever asked any medical questions, follow
your answer with a disclaimer (....but I would go to your doctor if
you are worried about it because I don't really know). Be careful
what you say, because people are listening.
41 - Never listen to a previous medical students advice on medical school.
They have been run though the meat grinder and couldnt think of
putting anyone else thru such torture. They tend to leave out the
good stuff like parties, good friends, fun memories, their first
patient contact, someone calling you DOC, getting to wear a white
coat, and knowing what the hell is going on during ER.
In summary, if you are not sure you want to be a doctor...be very sure you want
to be a doctor before you come to medical school. That bullshit about "helping
people" will get you nowhere your first 2 years. We are all in medical school
because we want to "help people" but this alone will not get you an MD. You need
to be dedicated to yourself, your studies, your talents, and your life as a whole
just to get thru the first 2 years. Any outside pressures you have will burst
while you are in school so be prepared to handle that before you get here. We
are not special in any way, we are not geniuses, but, we are willing to work
hard...and that, my friend, is what will make you successful in medical school.
Good Luck.
Here is a little something for first year students or those wishing to enter.
It was originally published under another name. Hope this helps.
Dont ask me but somehow I received your message about Medical School. I am
just starting my 3rd year clerkships as a medical student at LSU in New
Orleans, LA. There are a few things I would like to tell you before you start
medical school....and, of course, these are only my opinions and may not
represent the opinions of anyone else in this entire world....so take it with
a grain of salt.
01 - Everyone, including my doctor, told me to get the hell out of medicine
before I got in.
02 - I busted my ass in high school, college, etc...to get to med school.
03 - Once in medical school, what you did to get you there no longer matters.
04 - Be prepared to study....then study somemore, and then a little more...
and then be prepared to not do well on the test.
05 - Be prepared to accept the reality that you may be an idiot (this came
as a shock to me).
06 - Be thankful that everyone else in your class is also an idiot and no
one expects you to know everything all at once, and for every test.
07 - Realize that getting ahead in med school means making lots of
friends ... those who step on toes to get to the top are quickly
shunned by the rest of the class. This is very bad since people
tend to get a hold of old tests, helpful hints, book
recommendations, etc..that will be of great benefit to you. If you
are the smartest person in the class...dont try to show off and be
cocky. There will be plenty of opportunities for people to
undermine you if they decide they dont like your attitude. In
short, have fun, be nice....make sure you are likable to a large
number of people.
08 - No one can go through medical school 8 times, so dont be such a "pal"
that you end up doing extra work (typing a review sheet, for
example) for your friends while they are out having a good time.
09 - For me, the first year was NOT the hardest. This is b/c I was used
to busting my ass to get into medical school that I never slowed
down. For some, it is the "wake up call" if you never studied in
college.
10 - The second year IS the hardest, its survival of the fittest. They
want you to know everything about everything, and some more in
between. People quit after every exam.
11 - Once thru your second year, the rest is cheesecake. You dress like
a doctor, work like a doctor, and hopefully start acting like a
doctor.
12 - Once thru your second year, you realize the first 2 were bullshit and
you know nothing and can't remember the rest.
13 - Its relatively easy to PASS medical school, it requires more
dedication than genius to get a High Pass, and a mixture of both to
Honor.
14 - Remember that P=MD (meaning that if you PASS you will become a
doctor). Also, remember that P is not equal to ENT, SURGERY,
OBGYN, DERMATOLOGY, etc...so basically, everyone who graduates is a
doctor, but not everyone who graduates is the doctor they may want
to be.
15 - In the middle of the second year, they could not pay you enough to
be a doctor.
16 - In the middle of the second year, you cant afford to quit b/c you now
have a huge loan to pay back.
17 - The best years of your life are while you are in medical school.
18 - The worst years of your life are while you are in medical school.
19 - Dating in medical school is close to impossible. If you can find
someone who understands your language, your schedule, your attitude,
your financial situation...marry them first, ask questions later.
20 - Sleeping/eating right become luxuries in medical school.
21 - Noone will ever understand your schedule or what the hell you are
doing (eg why you have to study 2 weeks before a test).
22 - You will have to study 2 weeks for a test.
23 - You will have to learn to budget your time wisely if you want to ever
have a life. Same goes for your money.
24 - Some people go out every night and do exceptionally well in medical
school...if this is you...great. If this is not you...Sorry.
25 - Some people bust their ass every day and fail medical school...hope this
is not you.
26 - The person who finds the best balance between study, social, family,
friends, entertainment will make the best of medical school.
27 - The ass who always aces every test and never studies is everyone in
medical school BUT you.
28 - The fact that you can dissect a rat in college has no bearing on your
performance in medical school.
29 - The fact that your favorite class in college is Biology is unique
b/c the smartest people in medical school today are NOT biology
majors and, in fact, have never taken such a class.
30 - The fact that you have taken such classes will help in the first year,
and give you more time for other things while your classmates are
"learning how to use the microscope".
31 - If a histology class is offered at your school, take it..take it
again...teach it...learn to love it. You can essentially SKIP your
medical school histology class if you know it well enough.
32 - You may have thought that all the BULLSHIT classes you took in high
school/college would come to an end when you got to medical
school ... sorry...they are still there.
33 - You wont believe the amount of information they want you to know.
34 - You wont believe the amount of information you can forget.
35 - Old tests can save your ass...they can also sink you if you just
memorize answers.
36 - You will have to rearrange your life, study habits, friendships
around being a student. No one will understand that you need to
study so much, for so long. I study at least 10 hours a day, every
day. I usually take a day off. Some people dont..thats just me.
I also am not at the top of my class. You have to find your
balance/grade tradeoff/relationship breaker time periods for
studying.
37 - Drugs are bad, dont do drugs. If you need help staying awake, you are
too tired to study..go to sleep.
38 - Your friends, collegues, will do drugs and make A's. Hopefully, life
will weed them out. Until then, be cool and realize that maybe
making C's is your maximum performance level.
39 - Dont neglect friends/family/pets - they are good for fun/meals/etc.
They can also be a drag (Come out with us, you can study tomorrow).
You need to have a long talk with these people if you do get into
medical school.
40 - To the rest of the world, you are not a doctor until you graduate the
4th year. To your family, you are a doctor two weeks before you
start your first year. If ever asked any medical questions, follow
your answer with a disclaimer (....but I would go to your doctor if
you are worried about it because I don't really know). Be careful
what you say, because people are listening.
41 - Never listen to a previous medical students advice on medical school.
They have been run though the meat grinder and couldnt think of
putting anyone else thru such torture. They tend to leave out the
good stuff like parties, good friends, fun memories, their first
patient contact, someone calling you DOC, getting to wear a white
coat, and knowing what the hell is going on during ER.
In summary, if you are not sure you want to be a doctor...be very sure you want
to be a doctor before you come to medical school. That bullshit about "helping
people" will get you nowhere your first 2 years. We are all in medical school
because we want to "help people" but this alone will not get you an MD. You need
to be dedicated to yourself, your studies, your talents, and your life as a whole
just to get thru the first 2 years. Any outside pressures you have will burst
while you are in school so be prepared to handle that before you get here. We
are not special in any way, we are not geniuses, but, we are willing to work
hard...and that, my friend, is what will make you successful in medical school.
Good Luck.
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven
... for five days!"
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband
wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I
know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that
all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I
can still mow the lawn.''
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband
wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I
know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that
all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I
can still mow the lawn.''
The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this.
When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.
The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:
"Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.
"Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.
"Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.
About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"
Bandersnatch Guide on How to Live Forever
by Hugh Holub
from Frumious Bandersnatch
Americans are obsessed with their health. If you eat right, quit
smoking, exercise a lot, you won't have heart attacks, get cancer, and
live well into your 90's. It is, one should think, theoretically
possible to live forever... if you live right.
The problem is that all this attention to diet and exercise doesn't
eliminate all the risks of mortality.
The medical staff at the General Delivery University has compiled a list
of things to do or not do that will significantly increase your life
span.
AVOID LIGHTNING: A person has a better chance of being killed by
lightning, than many other risks. Stay inside, or in your car, when
lightning is near.
DON'T PLAY GOLF DURING THUNDERSTORMS: Many lightning victims are killed
on golf courses. It is safer to stay in the country club bar and drink
than to go out on the course during a thunderstorm.
DON'T GET STUCK WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS: Trains carry all kinds of
nasty toxic chemicals. Should a train derail and you are too close, you
could be toast. Avoid getting near trains.
AVOID PEANUT BUTTER: It is a little known fact that eating one peanut
butter sandwich carries more risk of fatal consequences than drinking
water with 5 parts per billion TCE in it for 70 years.
AVOID METEOR SHOWERS: In the same probability range of dying from
cancer caused by drinking water with TCE in it at federal drinking water
quality standards as getting hit by a meteorite. Stay inside during
meteor showers.
DON'T DRIVE: Over 50,000 Americans are killed annually in automobile
accidents. If you don't even get into a car, you significantly improve
your chances of eternal life.
DON'T FLY: While it is well-known that it is much safer to fly than to
drive, why take any chances?
AVOID IMMERSING YOURSELF IN WATER: Hundreds of people drown every
year. Don't go into the water. Not even to bathe.
DRINK THE WATER: Oddly enough, one of the safer things you can do in
America is drink tap water.
STAY INSIDE DURING THE DAY: Skin cancer is becoming a major health
risk. Caused by exposure to sunlight, the best solution is to stay
inside during daylight hours.
CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR RADON: Obviously, staying inside your home as much
as possible is a safe bet -- as long as your home isn't filled with
radon gas.
NO CONTACT WITH ELECTRICITY: Many people are electrocuted in stupid
accidents while trying to do routine things like fix a broken light
switch. Turn off your electricity permanently, and there won't be any
risk.
GET RID OF YOUR GUNS: More Americans are shot by their own guns than by
guns owned by strangers. A gunless home is a safer home.
NO NATURAL GAS OR FOSSIL FUEL HEATING OR COOKING SYSTEMS: People
accidentally asphyxiate themselves every year by forgetting to turn of
gas appliances, or because of improperly vented heating systems. You'll
have to cook over a fire, and it'll be cold in the winter, but heck --
people survived for millions of years without stoves or central
heating. It is best to build your cooking fires outside, otherwise you
could get lung cancer from the woodsmoke.
EMPTY OUT YOUR HOME: Many fatalities are caused by home accidents --
such as falling off a ladder or tripping over a rug. Get rid of all
your furniture, rugs and appliances. An empty house is a safe house.
EAT ONLY NATURAL FOODS: Grow your own vegetables, and hunt for your own
meat. Many backyards have abundant quantities of small animals and
birds to hunt.
DRESS IN NATURAL FIBERS AND FUR: While it may not be politically
correct to kill animals for their fur, there is an underutilized supply
of dog and cat pelts available from your local animal shelter.
Functional garments can also be created from straw and cardboard.
MINIMIZE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS: It is a well-known fact that many
fatal diseases are passed from one stranger to another in public places.
INCREASE YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: If you follow the previous
suggestions, you will undoubtedly work a lot harder, cutting your own
fire wood, hunting rodents and sparrows with rocks, and hiding from
storms.
CONCLUSION: While your lifestyle may end up resembling that of a cave
person, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done
everything possible to live forever, and, as a bonus, you will no longer
be contributing to global warming, and you will be living in harmony
with the natural environment.
by Hugh Holub
from Frumious Bandersnatch
Americans are obsessed with their health. If you eat right, quit
smoking, exercise a lot, you won't have heart attacks, get cancer, and
live well into your 90's. It is, one should think, theoretically
possible to live forever... if you live right.
The problem is that all this attention to diet and exercise doesn't
eliminate all the risks of mortality.
The medical staff at the General Delivery University has compiled a list
of things to do or not do that will significantly increase your life
span.
AVOID LIGHTNING: A person has a better chance of being killed by
lightning, than many other risks. Stay inside, or in your car, when
lightning is near.
DON'T PLAY GOLF DURING THUNDERSTORMS: Many lightning victims are killed
on golf courses. It is safer to stay in the country club bar and drink
than to go out on the course during a thunderstorm.
DON'T GET STUCK WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS: Trains carry all kinds of
nasty toxic chemicals. Should a train derail and you are too close, you
could be toast. Avoid getting near trains.
AVOID PEANUT BUTTER: It is a little known fact that eating one peanut
butter sandwich carries more risk of fatal consequences than drinking
water with 5 parts per billion TCE in it for 70 years.
AVOID METEOR SHOWERS: In the same probability range of dying from
cancer caused by drinking water with TCE in it at federal drinking water
quality standards as getting hit by a meteorite. Stay inside during
meteor showers.
DON'T DRIVE: Over 50,000 Americans are killed annually in automobile
accidents. If you don't even get into a car, you significantly improve
your chances of eternal life.
DON'T FLY: While it is well-known that it is much safer to fly than to
drive, why take any chances?
AVOID IMMERSING YOURSELF IN WATER: Hundreds of people drown every
year. Don't go into the water. Not even to bathe.
DRINK THE WATER: Oddly enough, one of the safer things you can do in
America is drink tap water.
STAY INSIDE DURING THE DAY: Skin cancer is becoming a major health
risk. Caused by exposure to sunlight, the best solution is to stay
inside during daylight hours.
CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR RADON: Obviously, staying inside your home as much
as possible is a safe bet -- as long as your home isn't filled with
radon gas.
NO CONTACT WITH ELECTRICITY: Many people are electrocuted in stupid
accidents while trying to do routine things like fix a broken light
switch. Turn off your electricity permanently, and there won't be any
risk.
GET RID OF YOUR GUNS: More Americans are shot by their own guns than by
guns owned by strangers. A gunless home is a safer home.
NO NATURAL GAS OR FOSSIL FUEL HEATING OR COOKING SYSTEMS: People
accidentally asphyxiate themselves every year by forgetting to turn of
gas appliances, or because of improperly vented heating systems. You'll
have to cook over a fire, and it'll be cold in the winter, but heck --
people survived for millions of years without stoves or central
heating. It is best to build your cooking fires outside, otherwise you
could get lung cancer from the woodsmoke.
EMPTY OUT YOUR HOME: Many fatalities are caused by home accidents --
such as falling off a ladder or tripping over a rug. Get rid of all
your furniture, rugs and appliances. An empty house is a safe house.
EAT ONLY NATURAL FOODS: Grow your own vegetables, and hunt for your own
meat. Many backyards have abundant quantities of small animals and
birds to hunt.
DRESS IN NATURAL FIBERS AND FUR: While it may not be politically
correct to kill animals for their fur, there is an underutilized supply
of dog and cat pelts available from your local animal shelter.
Functional garments can also be created from straw and cardboard.
MINIMIZE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS: It is a well-known fact that many
fatal diseases are passed from one stranger to another in public places.
INCREASE YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: If you follow the previous
suggestions, you will undoubtedly work a lot harder, cutting your own
fire wood, hunting rodents and sparrows with rocks, and hiding from
storms.
CONCLUSION: While your lifestyle may end up resembling that of a cave
person, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done
everything possible to live forever, and, as a bonus, you will no longer
be contributing to global warming, and you will be living in harmony
with the natural environment.
Living in Cages Linked to Cancer in Laboratory Rats
by Brett K. Carver
AP -- The federal government today released the findings of a four year
study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing
cancer in laboratory rats.
The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when
all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.
Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the
possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of
colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force
fed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of
popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount. The control group
consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all
known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed
cancer within six months."
Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control
rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test
group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty
good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time."
Mr. Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results
being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He
responded: "Yeah, we had a scientist at the lab ask that once. We had
to let him go though when we found out he was a member of the Audubon
Society; you know, conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker,
always asking questions like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give
anyone cancer?' We just didn't need that kind of a negative influence.
The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of
fool questions."
When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr.
Smith replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if
it's been the cages all along, this could mean that things like
asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!"
Mr. Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to
recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This
says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted
cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend
extended periods inside the animal's cages."
When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr. Smith
responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there.
Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and
living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things
we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the
middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer.
You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent
the control rats from breathing so as not to invalidate the results by
having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats."
When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied:
"Huh, what? You talking to me?"
by Brett K. Carver
AP -- The federal government today released the findings of a four year
study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing
cancer in laboratory rats.
The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when
all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.
Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the
possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of
colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force
fed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of
popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount. The control group
consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all
known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed
cancer within six months."
Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control
rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test
group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty
good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time."
Mr. Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results
being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He
responded: "Yeah, we had a scientist at the lab ask that once. We had
to let him go though when we found out he was a member of the Audubon
Society; you know, conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker,
always asking questions like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give
anyone cancer?' We just didn't need that kind of a negative influence.
The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of
fool questions."
When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr.
Smith replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if
it's been the cages all along, this could mean that things like
asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!"
Mr. Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to
recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This
says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted
cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend
extended periods inside the animal's cages."
When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr. Smith
responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there.
Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and
living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things
we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the
middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer.
You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent
the control rats from breathing so as not to invalidate the results by
having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats."
When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied:
"Huh, what? You talking to me?"
There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his friend he was going
to the doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there
is a machine that for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you
what is wrong with you. So he went to the pharmacy and put the ten
dollars and his urine sample in. After a minute a paper came out and
said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his elbow in warm
water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine must
be a fraud.
So, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter's urine,
his dog's urine -- and he added some of his own semen to it. He
brought it to the pharmacy and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After
a minute the paper came out and said, ''The tap water has lead, the
dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and she's not your
daughter.''
to the doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there
is a machine that for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you
what is wrong with you. So he went to the pharmacy and put the ten
dollars and his urine sample in. After a minute a paper came out and
said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his elbow in warm
water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine must
be a fraud.
So, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter's urine,
his dog's urine -- and he added some of his own semen to it. He
brought it to the pharmacy and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After
a minute the paper came out and said, ''The tap water has lead, the
dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and she's not your
daughter.''
Cost of Health Care
A man goes to consult a famous specialist about his medical problem.
"How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is fifty ruples," replies the physician.
"Fifty ruples? That's impossible."
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to
thirty ruples."
"Thirty ruples for one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford twenty ruples?"
"Who has so much money?"
"Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me five ruples
and be gone."
"I can give you two ruples." says the man. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor."Why did you come to the most
expensive doctor in Warsaw?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health, nothing
is too expensive."
A man goes to consult a famous specialist about his medical problem.
"How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is fifty ruples," replies the physician.
"Fifty ruples? That's impossible."
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to
thirty ruples."
"Thirty ruples for one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford twenty ruples?"
"Who has so much money?"
"Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me five ruples
and be gone."
"I can give you two ruples." says the man. "Take it or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor."Why did you come to the most
expensive doctor in Warsaw?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health, nothing
is too expensive."
Cost Saving Memo
Memorandum
To: All Hospital Employees
From: Administration
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security.
Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12
rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the
similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now
assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements
with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation
facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available
in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient
may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of
motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory
patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients
for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those
registered.
Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a
Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is
suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater,
or leaf blower.
Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the
Time-Life series of "How to..." maintenance books. These books may be
checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment
will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at
a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring.
If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as
possible until that particular volume arrives.
Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2)
X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time
required by the local Photmat. Two prints will be provided for the price
of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday
paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors
coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come
across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to
the Emergency Room.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric
Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room
so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families,
patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will,
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital's
formulary.
Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface,
the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this
latest cost cutting measures.
Memorandum
To: All Hospital Employees
From: Administration
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security.
Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12
rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the
similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now
assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements
with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation
facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available
in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient
may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of
motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory
patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients
for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those
registered.
Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a
Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is
suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater,
or leaf blower.
Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the
Time-Life series of "How to..." maintenance books. These books may be
checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment
will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at
a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring.
If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as
possible until that particular volume arrives.
Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2)
X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time
required by the local Photmat. Two prints will be provided for the price
of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday
paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors
coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come
across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to
the Emergency Room.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric
Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room
so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families,
patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will,
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital's
formulary.
Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface,
the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this
latest cost cutting measures.
TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resources
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper".
Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".
And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.
Sincerely,
Director of Human Resources
Death -- A Continuing Scandal
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- World Health Organization officials expressed
disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous
efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals
worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.
Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life
functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health
concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities
worldwide, the condition has no cure.
"I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments,
rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might
at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst
Bladt said. "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains
constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time."
Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive
failure on the part of the planet's health care workers. "The inability
of doctors and scientists to adequately address this issue of death is
nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Gretto said. "Do
you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like? Well, I
do, and believe me, it's not pretty. In prolonged cases, total
decomposition of the corpse is the result." "What about the children?"
the visibly moved Gretto added.
"At this early date, I don't want to start making broad
generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it is
beginning to seem possible that birth -- as well as the subsequent life
cycle that follows it -- may be a serious safety risk for all those
involved." Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the
non-dead as well. "Those who suffer from death can be highly
traumatized by it, often so severely that it kills them," noted
therapist Eli Wasserbaum said. "But it can also be very traumatic for
the still-living who are left behind. The sudden cessation of metabolic
activity characteristic of terminal cases of death often leaves the dead
person in a position where they are unable to adequately provide for the
emotional needs of their loved ones." In the most serious cases of
death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma inflicted upon these
still-living victims of death may continue throughout their entire
lives, until their own deaths. "Thus," Wasserbaum said, "the vicious
cycle" of death trauma continues indefinitely."
"Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but
nobody seems to actually seems to doing anything about it. I propose we
stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar
hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge profits
from it." Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld
from the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking
down on death."
Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader
agreed with Domenici. "Why should we continue to spend billions of
dollars a year on a health care industry whose sole purpose is to
prevent death, only to find, once again, that death awaits us all?"
Nader said in an impassioned address to several suburban Californians.
"That's called a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not
fair. Its time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the
so-called 'medical health professionals' and said: 'Enough is enough.
I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- World Health Organization officials expressed
disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous
efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals
worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.
Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life
functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health
concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities
worldwide, the condition has no cure.
"I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments,
rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might
at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst
Bladt said. "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains
constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time."
Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive
failure on the part of the planet's health care workers. "The inability
of doctors and scientists to adequately address this issue of death is
nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Gretto said. "Do
you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like? Well, I
do, and believe me, it's not pretty. In prolonged cases, total
decomposition of the corpse is the result." "What about the children?"
the visibly moved Gretto added.
"At this early date, I don't want to start making broad
generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it is
beginning to seem possible that birth -- as well as the subsequent life
cycle that follows it -- may be a serious safety risk for all those
involved." Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the
non-dead as well. "Those who suffer from death can be highly
traumatized by it, often so severely that it kills them," noted
therapist Eli Wasserbaum said. "But it can also be very traumatic for
the still-living who are left behind. The sudden cessation of metabolic
activity characteristic of terminal cases of death often leaves the dead
person in a position where they are unable to adequately provide for the
emotional needs of their loved ones." In the most serious cases of
death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma inflicted upon these
still-living victims of death may continue throughout their entire
lives, until their own deaths. "Thus," Wasserbaum said, "the vicious
cycle" of death trauma continues indefinitely."
"Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but
nobody seems to actually seems to doing anything about it. I propose we
stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar
hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge profits
from it." Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld
from the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking
down on death."
Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader
agreed with Domenici. "Why should we continue to spend billions of
dollars a year on a health care industry whose sole purpose is to
prevent death, only to find, once again, that death awaits us all?"
Nader said in an impassioned address to several suburban Californians.
"That's called a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not
fair. Its time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the
so-called 'medical health professionals' and said: 'Enough is enough.
I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"
A Visit to the Dentist
Recent surveys reveal that Americans fear opening their mouths in the
dentist's office even more than they fear Dan Quayle opening his. Apparently
we have this peculiar aversion to having needles and drills chip through our
teeth and into our oral nerves--boy, what a bunch of weak citizens we've
become, probably due to the effects of El Nino.
My own dentist, kindly Dr. Hannibal Lecter, lets me know that I'm due for an
appointment by sending me a postcard with puppies on it. This strikes me as
something akin to false advertising--if he wants to let me know what's
coming, why doesn't he send the shower scene from Psycho? Puppies are cute-
-in my whole life, I've never heard anyone describe getting a root canal as
a "cute" experience.
Now, don't get the idea from this that I don't practice dental hygiene. I
floss on a regular basis--just not in my mouth. And I brush daily with my
son's Godzilla toothpaste ("Now with more sugar!" it says on the tube.) I
just hate discussing baseball with a sadist while a conduit hooked into my
mouth sucks every drop of liquid from my body. So usually I procrastinate
for a few months until the miniature time bomb he implanted in my jaw on my
last visit explodes in a blast of oral agony. Because it is an emergency,
I am put right through to a recording, and within a couple of weeks I'm in
his office.
"Mr. Cameron," kindly Dr. Lecter advises me on this visit, frowning with
concern. "I've discovered the source of your pain."
"Like, my mouth?" I suggest. Maybe I should be a dentist. Do you have to
take a test or something?
"Your wisdom teeth," he says. He shows me an x-ray of my mouth, pointing
out the grassy knoll and the book depository. Toward the back of my jaw a
couple of teeth look like they have gotten drunk and fallen over.
"Is this bad news?" I ask.
He sighs. "Well, it means I'll be able to afford that new bass boat I've
been looking at. For you, it means the teeth will have to come out."
Okay: not so bad. I've lost teeth before, and even had something of a
cottage industry for a while selling them to the tooth fairy, who turns out
to be my father, of all people. Here you go most of your childhood thinking
your dad is a gynecologist and then you see him sneaking into your sister's
room to take her molar and leave a quarter. I remember when my friend Tommy
lost two of his teeth when he put his mouth right where I was throwing a
baseball--what an idiot. Anyway, I lay in bed that night giggling over the
idea of my father sneaking in to put money under Tommy's pillow. The next
morning, when I innocently asked my dad how Tommy was doing, he pretended
not to understand what I was talking about.
According to kindly Dr. Lecter, even though we humans have no extra fingers
or extra heads or anything, our jaws are riddled with superfluous teeth
which have nowhere to go. Apparently when God created oral surgeons he
wanted to make sure they would be able to afford luxury cars. "Look,
they're impacted," he tells me in a stern tone, like my wisdom teeth are a
couple of pet dogs that got into the neighbor's trash or something.
"Impacted" means that instead of popping up straight, my wisdom teeth are
trying to escape by tunneling out the side of my jaw. Another decade or so
and I will be able to chew gum with my ears.
"We'll have to make an incision here," Lecter intones, drawing his finger
across the x-ray image of my wisdom teeth. They look like toppled
headstones. "Then I'll apply extreme torture to the entire area."
"Why do they call them wisdom teeth if all they are good for is oral surgery
?" I complain bitterly. "They should call them stupid teeth."
"We'll do the surgery on a Friday, so that when you run out of pain pills on
Sunday I will be unavailable. I'll give you a special anesthetic so that
you'll be nauseated during the operation," Lecter continues, running through
the standard instructions for a patient. "Don't eat anything for 24 hours
before you come in--I want you to get started on being miserable."
"Hey, you must think I'm pretty stupid," I rinse and spit angrily. "For the
past 10 years you've been aiming this cone shaped device right at my mouth
in EXACTLY the spot where you say my teeth have become impacted. Do you
think maybe there is a connection?"
"Yes, I think you're pretty stupid," he concedes.
We agree that he needs time to pick out the particular boat that he wants,
so we schedule the surgery for next month. As I leave I catch sight of
myself in the mirror and wonder what I would look like with teeth jutting
out of the side of my face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This newsletter may be distributed freely on the internet but PLEASE include
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Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998
To subscribe, send a message to majordomo@cwe.com with the words "subscribe
cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.
Recent surveys reveal that Americans fear opening their mouths in the
dentist's office even more than they fear Dan Quayle opening his. Apparently
we have this peculiar aversion to having needles and drills chip through our
teeth and into our oral nerves--boy, what a bunch of weak citizens we've
become, probably due to the effects of El Nino.
My own dentist, kindly Dr. Hannibal Lecter, lets me know that I'm due for an
appointment by sending me a postcard with puppies on it. This strikes me as
something akin to false advertising--if he wants to let me know what's
coming, why doesn't he send the shower scene from Psycho? Puppies are cute-
-in my whole life, I've never heard anyone describe getting a root canal as
a "cute" experience.
Now, don't get the idea from this that I don't practice dental hygiene. I
floss on a regular basis--just not in my mouth. And I brush daily with my
son's Godzilla toothpaste ("Now with more sugar!" it says on the tube.) I
just hate discussing baseball with a sadist while a conduit hooked into my
mouth sucks every drop of liquid from my body. So usually I procrastinate
for a few months until the miniature time bomb he implanted in my jaw on my
last visit explodes in a blast of oral agony. Because it is an emergency,
I am put right through to a recording, and within a couple of weeks I'm in
his office.
"Mr. Cameron," kindly Dr. Lecter advises me on this visit, frowning with
concern. "I've discovered the source of your pain."
"Like, my mouth?" I suggest. Maybe I should be a dentist. Do you have to
take a test or something?
"Your wisdom teeth," he says. He shows me an x-ray of my mouth, pointing
out the grassy knoll and the book depository. Toward the back of my jaw a
couple of teeth look like they have gotten drunk and fallen over.
"Is this bad news?" I ask.
He sighs. "Well, it means I'll be able to afford that new bass boat I've
been looking at. For you, it means the teeth will have to come out."
Okay: not so bad. I've lost teeth before, and even had something of a
cottage industry for a while selling them to the tooth fairy, who turns out
to be my father, of all people. Here you go most of your childhood thinking
your dad is a gynecologist and then you see him sneaking into your sister's
room to take her molar and leave a quarter. I remember when my friend Tommy
lost two of his teeth when he put his mouth right where I was throwing a
baseball--what an idiot. Anyway, I lay in bed that night giggling over the
idea of my father sneaking in to put money under Tommy's pillow. The next
morning, when I innocently asked my dad how Tommy was doing, he pretended
not to understand what I was talking about.
According to kindly Dr. Lecter, even though we humans have no extra fingers
or extra heads or anything, our jaws are riddled with superfluous teeth
which have nowhere to go. Apparently when God created oral surgeons he
wanted to make sure they would be able to afford luxury cars. "Look,
they're impacted," he tells me in a stern tone, like my wisdom teeth are a
couple of pet dogs that got into the neighbor's trash or something.
"Impacted" means that instead of popping up straight, my wisdom teeth are
trying to escape by tunneling out the side of my jaw. Another decade or so
and I will be able to chew gum with my ears.
"We'll have to make an incision here," Lecter intones, drawing his finger
across the x-ray image of my wisdom teeth. They look like toppled
headstones. "Then I'll apply extreme torture to the entire area."
"Why do they call them wisdom teeth if all they are good for is oral surgery
?" I complain bitterly. "They should call them stupid teeth."
"We'll do the surgery on a Friday, so that when you run out of pain pills on
Sunday I will be unavailable. I'll give you a special anesthetic so that
you'll be nauseated during the operation," Lecter continues, running through
the standard instructions for a patient. "Don't eat anything for 24 hours
before you come in--I want you to get started on being miserable."
"Hey, you must think I'm pretty stupid," I rinse and spit angrily. "For the
past 10 years you've been aiming this cone shaped device right at my mouth
in EXACTLY the spot where you say my teeth have become impacted. Do you
think maybe there is a connection?"
"Yes, I think you're pretty stupid," he concedes.
We agree that he needs time to pick out the particular boat that he wants,
so we schedule the surgery for next month. As I leave I catch sight of
myself in the mirror and wonder what I would look like with teeth jutting
out of the side of my face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This newsletter may be distributed freely on the internet but PLEASE include
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Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998
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Doc-isms
Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're
really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
week.
Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're
really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
week.
Doctors Out Hunting
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a
pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first
to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to
get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was
long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure
if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The
fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this
dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist
beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a
pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first
to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to
get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was
long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure
if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The
fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this
dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist
beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were
chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him
looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in
four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way
behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking
for work."
chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him
looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in
four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way
behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking
for work."
An old man and a old lady went in the doctor's office to get their
yearly exam. The doctor came in and started to get some information
from them. He then told the old man that he needed to have a stool
sample and a urine sample. The old man turned to the old lady and
asked her what the doctor said.
"He needs a pair of your underwear."
yearly exam. The doctor came in and started to get some information
from them. He then told the old man that he needed to have a stool
sample and a urine sample. The old man turned to the old lady and
asked her what the doctor said.
"He needs a pair of your underwear."
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to
reassure him, ''Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.
And, you're single. So just let it go.''
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
''Howard, you're a veterinarian...''
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to
reassure him, ''Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.
And, you're single. So just let it go.''
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
''Howard, you're a veterinarian...''
A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is
complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman
comes out into the waiting room.
"Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."
"Excuse me?" says the husband.
"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice
cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor.
"What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good
explanation."
"That's not what I said," says the doctor. "I said she has acute
angina."
complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman
comes out into the waiting room.
"Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."
"Excuse me?" says the husband.
"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice
cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor.
"What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good
explanation."
"That's not what I said," says the doctor. "I said she has acute
angina."
One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow, too?"
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow, too?"
A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate exam. A week later he
comes back to the same doctor and asks him to do the exam again.
The doctor says, "Okay, it never hurts to be careful. I might have
missed something."
So the doctor does the exam all over again.
The next week the same man goes to the same doctor and asks the doc
for another exam.
The doc says, "Again? This really is not necessary - but, it's your
money."
He performs the exam again, and this time something pricks his finger.
The doctor pulls out a dozen long-stem roses.
The doc says to the man, "Here's the problem, you have a dozen
long-stem roses in your rectum."
The man then excitedly replies, "Read the card! Read the card."
comes back to the same doctor and asks him to do the exam again.
The doctor says, "Okay, it never hurts to be careful. I might have
missed something."
So the doctor does the exam all over again.
The next week the same man goes to the same doctor and asks the doc
for another exam.
The doc says, "Again? This really is not necessary - but, it's your
money."
He performs the exam again, and this time something pricks his finger.
The doctor pulls out a dozen long-stem roses.
The doc says to the man, "Here's the problem, you have a dozen
long-stem roses in your rectum."
The man then excitedly replies, "Read the card! Read the card."
Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve: One to do it. one to chart it. ten to write the policy and
procedure.
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty: one primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists
to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.
A: Twelve: One to do it. one to chart it. ten to write the policy and
procedure.
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty: one primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists
to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to
lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in
your mouth, try putting it up your butt."
Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come
true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is
bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you
get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch,
I'm chewing bubble gum."
lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in
your mouth, try putting it up your butt."
Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come
true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is
bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you
get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch,
I'm chewing bubble gum."
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a daffodil, anyway."
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and
Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title
they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and
Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title
they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
Emergency Medical Services
(stupid) Frequently Asked Questions with answers!
(from http://home.cwnet.com/catspaw/emshumor.htm)
Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it?
A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people
involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it.
Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland
Coliseum? (or any other request for directions)
A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here.
Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County
Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take
you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in.
Q. Do you like you like your job?
A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job.
Q. Do you make a lot of money?
A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and
Federal Government gets through with my check.
Q. How come the Police come to the call with you?
A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my ass kicked
by an irate bystander/family member/patient.
Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
A. Beats the hell out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or
anything!
Q. Have you ever seen a dead body?
A. Yes, in all the various states of decomposition and putrefaction. I've
even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet.
Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your
ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating
lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar B Q)
A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a stress
case and might crack.
Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of
7-11 at 03:30 a.m.)?
A. Pink, white or green pay your money and take your chances.
Q. Do you have any spare change?
A. Take a hike, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change.
Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service
so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you
promise to quit bugging me.
Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie
Paramedic)?
A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.
Q. How come you are smoking that pipe , don't you know that is bad for you?
A. How can pipe tobacco be bad for you? If it was bad for you they couldn't
sell it at Walgreens Drug Store. Right?
Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?
A. No.
Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back.
Q. How comeis painted on your front grill?
A.There is a device on motor vehicles that is known as a rear-view mirror, some
people have even been known to use it to see what is behind them when
they are driving.
Q. How fast will your ambulance go?
A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be
comfortable with, most likely.
Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a
patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt
Liquor).
A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive.
Q. Can I have a band-aid?
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do
you need?
Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
A. Shark attack!
Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task,
Eggcrate Mattress Technician
Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money,
thanks.
Q. Does this tie go with the rest of my suit? (asked by a guy on his way to
church).
A. Sure, a red, purple , pink, and black tie always goes with a gray
pinstripe suit.
Q. Do you have an extra one of them urinal bottles. I have to piss real bad.
A. No. We don't carry those any more but thank you for sharing.
Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?
A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill
her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the
blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing.
Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged
out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked
that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you
sorry you asked?
Q. Are you always this much of a smartass?
A. No, I am usually much worse, but the medication is helping.
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on
duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated
patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that
the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you
can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.
Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take
Medi-cal instead of cash payment.
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the
hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.
Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the
physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID
and find a needle.
Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest
victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer
me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min,
24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.
Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes
are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in
Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?
Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice
cream waiting for you somewhere.
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the
ants crawling in and out of his nose?
Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice,
I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your
ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of
listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
(stupid) Frequently Asked Questions with answers!
(from http://home.cwnet.com/catspaw/emshumor.htm)
Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it?
A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people
involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it.
Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland
Coliseum? (or any other request for directions)
A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here.
Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County
Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take
you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in.
Q. Do you like you like your job?
A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job.
Q. Do you make a lot of money?
A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and
Federal Government gets through with my check.
Q. How come the Police come to the call with you?
A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my ass kicked
by an irate bystander/family member/patient.
Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
A. Beats the hell out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or
anything!
Q. Have you ever seen a dead body?
A. Yes, in all the various states of decomposition and putrefaction. I've
even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet.
Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your
ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating
lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar B Q)
A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a stress
case and might crack.
Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of
7-11 at 03:30 a.m.)?
A. Pink, white or green pay your money and take your chances.
Q. Do you have any spare change?
A. Take a hike, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change.
Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service
so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you
promise to quit bugging me.
Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie
Paramedic)?
A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.
Q. How come you are smoking that pipe , don't you know that is bad for you?
A. How can pipe tobacco be bad for you? If it was bad for you they couldn't
sell it at Walgreens Drug Store. Right?
Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?
A. No.
Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back.
Q. How comeis painted on your front grill?
A.There is a device on motor vehicles that is known as a rear-view mirror, some
people have even been known to use it to see what is behind them when
they are driving.
Q. How fast will your ambulance go?
A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be
comfortable with, most likely.
Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a
patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt
Liquor).
A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive.
Q. Can I have a band-aid?
A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do
you need?
Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).
A. Plane crash!
Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
A. Shark attack!
Q. What does EMT stand for?
A. Every Menial Task,
Eggcrate Mattress Technician
Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money,
thanks.
Q. Does this tie go with the rest of my suit? (asked by a guy on his way to
church).
A. Sure, a red, purple , pink, and black tie always goes with a gray
pinstripe suit.
Q. Do you have an extra one of them urinal bottles. I have to piss real bad.
A. No. We don't carry those any more but thank you for sharing.
Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?
A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill
her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the
blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing.
Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged
out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked
that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you
sorry you asked?
Q. Are you always this much of a smartass?
A. No, I am usually much worse, but the medication is helping.
Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on
duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated
patients!
Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that
the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you
can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.
Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take
Medi-cal instead of cash payment.
Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient).
A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the
hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.
Q. Did you look for ID?
A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the
physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID
and find a needle.
Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest
victim).
A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer
me once!
Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min,
24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.
Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
A. Only if they use your pen.
Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes
are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in
Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?
Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice
cream waiting for you somewhere.
Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the
ants crawling in and out of his nose?
Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice,
I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.
Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your
ambulance?
A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of
listening to the siren inside this ambulance.
ER Tales
Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is
stranger than fiction.
Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is
stranger than fiction.
Emergency Department Ping Pong
By....who else?
OK, Sports fans...it's Saturday night, 3 am and time for inter-service
hospital ping pong. Staff Internal Medicine has won the tossup and has
elected to receive. The other services are in position and here comes the
first patient!!
Chief Complaint: "feel bad"
History: Mr. Amos Leeks, 59 Y/0, 385 pound alcoholic, diabetic,
hypertensive male with history of three old myocardial infarcts, angina,
congestive heart failure, COPD, chronic renal insufficiency, gout,
hypothyroidism and "nerves".
The Medicine service jumps into position. Dr. Shafer Goodloe, medical
raconteur, man-about-town and big time babe magnet gets the nod from the
referee. Shafer enters the room with a spotless white coat, stiff bow tie
and gleaming implements of destruction hanging from every pocket.
The clock starts....Dr. Goodloe jauntily saunters into the room and sidles
up to the patient with a big cheesy smile....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks...ever been in the Army?"
"Yeah, but they threw me out for flat feet".
"Well....in the interest of continuity of care, we feel that you should
return to a Veterans Administration Hospital. The doctors there are
familiar with these problems and they can follow you in perpetuity"
PINGGGG!
"Naaaa...I don't like that place. The nurses are ugly and they let a bunch
of smart ass kids in white coats practice on me when they thought I wasn't
looking....I want to stay right here and have you take care of me."
FOUL! Serve again....
Shafer assumes his most intense young doctor countenance.....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks....... got any pain right here (does hand stand on
Amos's right upper quadrant).
"Arrrggghhh!"
PINGGGG....Surgery consult.
"Hello, Surgery...we got a guy down here with excruciating right upper
quadrant pain, mild jaundice and a history of fatty food intolerance". He
needs to be on the surgery service.
"What else is wrong with him"
"Oh, just a few minor medical ailments"
"How much does he weigh?"
Oh, maybe three hundred and.." (click)
PONGGGG!
Shafer's face darkens..........
"Say...Mr. Leeks....ever taken any Valium?"
"Yeah....someone gave me some once".
PINGGGG! Psychiatry consult...
"Hello, psychiatry...we got a guy down here who looks pretty depressed. May
be suicidal. Has a history of Valium abuse. He needs to be on the Psych
service."
OK, just have him sign a consent for electro-convulsive therapy and send
him around in the morning. We'll buzz him till he sees God".
"What about his work up?"
"What about it?" (click)
PONGGGG!
Shafer begins to sweat and his bow tie droops....the other services
nervously shift from foot to foot....
"Say...Mr. Leeks.....got any pain here? (pops Lumbar 5 with ball peen hammer).
"Yeeeooouuch!"
PINGGGG! Orthopedics consult.
"Hello, Orthopods...we got a guy down here with exquisite low back pain
radiating to both legs, he needs to be admitted to Ortho."
"What day is today?"
"Saturday"
"Sorry, back pain only on Tuesdays and alternate Thursdays. Make him a
clinic appointment for three weeks." (click)
PONGGGG!
Metaphorically speaking, Shafer takes the gloves off...No more Mr.
nice-guy....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks.......have any pain in your head? (Shines
quartz-halogen light in left pupil dilated with homatropine)"
"Hoooooaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh!"
PINGGGG! Neurosurgery consult.
"Hello, Neurosurg....got a guy down here with an exquisite headache
accompanied by flashing lights and not relieved by anything. He needs to be
admitted to you."
"Hey....no problem...get him a CAT scan with and without contrast, lumbar
puncture, angiogram, EEG, put him on your service and we'll consult on him
in the morning" (click).
PONGGGG!
Medical team calls time out, stops the clock and pulls into a huddle. As
they whisper and murmur..a Senior Medical Student pops up to see if the
patient is still there...he is. After a moment they break and return to the
game with broad grins.
"Hello...OB-GYN....we got a woman down here with an imperforate hymen,
adreno-genital syndrome and bilateral femoro-labial hernias...."
Whoosh.......Crash...
Point..Set..Game!
By....who else?
OK, Sports fans...it's Saturday night, 3 am and time for inter-service
hospital ping pong. Staff Internal Medicine has won the tossup and has
elected to receive. The other services are in position and here comes the
first patient!!
Chief Complaint: "feel bad"
History: Mr. Amos Leeks, 59 Y/0, 385 pound alcoholic, diabetic,
hypertensive male with history of three old myocardial infarcts, angina,
congestive heart failure, COPD, chronic renal insufficiency, gout,
hypothyroidism and "nerves".
The Medicine service jumps into position. Dr. Shafer Goodloe, medical
raconteur, man-about-town and big time babe magnet gets the nod from the
referee. Shafer enters the room with a spotless white coat, stiff bow tie
and gleaming implements of destruction hanging from every pocket.
The clock starts....Dr. Goodloe jauntily saunters into the room and sidles
up to the patient with a big cheesy smile....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks...ever been in the Army?"
"Yeah, but they threw me out for flat feet".
"Well....in the interest of continuity of care, we feel that you should
return to a Veterans Administration Hospital. The doctors there are
familiar with these problems and they can follow you in perpetuity"
PINGGGG!
"Naaaa...I don't like that place. The nurses are ugly and they let a bunch
of smart ass kids in white coats practice on me when they thought I wasn't
looking....I want to stay right here and have you take care of me."
FOUL! Serve again....
Shafer assumes his most intense young doctor countenance.....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks....... got any pain right here (does hand stand on
Amos's right upper quadrant).
"Arrrggghhh!"
PINGGGG....Surgery consult.
"Hello, Surgery...we got a guy down here with excruciating right upper
quadrant pain, mild jaundice and a history of fatty food intolerance". He
needs to be on the surgery service.
"What else is wrong with him"
"Oh, just a few minor medical ailments"
"How much does he weigh?"
Oh, maybe three hundred and.." (click)
PONGGGG!
Shafer's face darkens..........
"Say...Mr. Leeks....ever taken any Valium?"
"Yeah....someone gave me some once".
PINGGGG! Psychiatry consult...
"Hello, psychiatry...we got a guy down here who looks pretty depressed. May
be suicidal. Has a history of Valium abuse. He needs to be on the Psych
service."
OK, just have him sign a consent for electro-convulsive therapy and send
him around in the morning. We'll buzz him till he sees God".
"What about his work up?"
"What about it?" (click)
PONGGGG!
Shafer begins to sweat and his bow tie droops....the other services
nervously shift from foot to foot....
"Say...Mr. Leeks.....got any pain here? (pops Lumbar 5 with ball peen hammer).
"Yeeeooouuch!"
PINGGGG! Orthopedics consult.
"Hello, Orthopods...we got a guy down here with exquisite low back pain
radiating to both legs, he needs to be admitted to Ortho."
"What day is today?"
"Saturday"
"Sorry, back pain only on Tuesdays and alternate Thursdays. Make him a
clinic appointment for three weeks." (click)
PONGGGG!
Metaphorically speaking, Shafer takes the gloves off...No more Mr.
nice-guy....
"Hi there Mr. Leeks.......have any pain in your head? (Shines
quartz-halogen light in left pupil dilated with homatropine)"
"Hoooooaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh!"
PINGGGG! Neurosurgery consult.
"Hello, Neurosurg....got a guy down here with an exquisite headache
accompanied by flashing lights and not relieved by anything. He needs to be
admitted to you."
"Hey....no problem...get him a CAT scan with and without contrast, lumbar
puncture, angiogram, EEG, put him on your service and we'll consult on him
in the morning" (click).
PONGGGG!
Medical team calls time out, stops the clock and pulls into a huddle. As
they whisper and murmur..a Senior Medical Student pops up to see if the
patient is still there...he is. After a moment they break and return to the
game with broad grins.
"Hello...OB-GYN....we got a woman down here with an imperforate hymen,
adreno-genital syndrome and bilateral femoro-labial hernias...."
Whoosh.......Crash...
Point..Set..Game!
Code of Ethical Patient Behavior -- Version 2
OK, We all go the doctor for our aches, pains worries and some of us just
to have someone to listen to our problems. Guess What, doctors are human
too, so here are is a guide of what to do and not to do
Code of Ethical Patient Behavior
(The Patient's "HYPOCRATIC" Code")
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT
They've already heard it before. Just sit back and take the pain
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES
If you make your doctors unhappy, they might just make a slip
with the needle as they are inserting it into your butt.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
It wouldn't look to good if you are smiling when the medical books
indicate you should be wincing
4. IT'S STILL SEXUAL HARRASSMENT
Even if you're babes, your sustained and repeated come-ons to
pay in "trade" are still harrassment.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING
Hey, 4 years of medical school, 4 - 7 years in residency and another
one or two in fellowships have already made it impossible for your
doctorto speak normal English anyway.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest, and you
might even become famous in a medical textbook, or if you really
complain enough, have a procedure named after you.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY
See #2, Keep you doctor happy..
8. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE
Really bad form
9. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SMELLING LIKE THAT... YES WE DO SMELL YOU...
TAKE A BATH
Your treatment room can't be used for others for the rest of
the day and you almost killed the doctor.
10. FARTING IS NOT "NATURAL AND ORDINARY" JUST CAUSE YOU'RE WITH A DOCTOR
You may likely be told you need a referral to a "specialist" .
11. IT TURNS OUT THE NURSES DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
It's a shame but true...
OK, We all go the doctor for our aches, pains worries and some of us just
to have someone to listen to our problems. Guess What, doctors are human
too, so here are is a guide of what to do and not to do
Code of Ethical Patient Behavior
(The Patient's "HYPOCRATIC" Code")
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT
They've already heard it before. Just sit back and take the pain
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES
If you make your doctors unhappy, they might just make a slip
with the needle as they are inserting it into your butt.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
It wouldn't look to good if you are smiling when the medical books
indicate you should be wincing
4. IT'S STILL SEXUAL HARRASSMENT
Even if you're babes, your sustained and repeated come-ons to
pay in "trade" are still harrassment.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING
Hey, 4 years of medical school, 4 - 7 years in residency and another
one or two in fellowships have already made it impossible for your
doctorto speak normal English anyway.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest, and you
might even become famous in a medical textbook, or if you really
complain enough, have a procedure named after you.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY
See #2, Keep you doctor happy..
8. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE
Really bad form
9. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SMELLING LIKE THAT... YES WE DO SMELL YOU...
TAKE A BATH
Your treatment room can't be used for others for the rest of
the day and you almost killed the doctor.
10. FARTING IS NOT "NATURAL AND ORDINARY" JUST CAUSE YOU'RE WITH A DOCTOR
You may likely be told you need a referral to a "specialist" .
11. IT TURNS OUT THE NURSES DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU
It's a shame but true...
A woman goes to her doctor and tells him that she can't get any sex from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says "they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens.
So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?"
And the doctor replied "they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens.
So the next day she comes back and says "the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens?"
The next morning a little boy comes in and says, "my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying "here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?"
And the doctor replied "they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens.
So the next day she comes back and says "the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens?"
The next morning a little boy comes in and says, "my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying "here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
This Flu Strong Enough to Daze Even Hercules
By Pat Cashman
I had intended on this morning of Jan. 10 to take a sweeping look back
at the year 2000 -- so far. I was going to offer my list of the most
significant individuals ... the most important developments ... and,
perhaps, the outstanding teriyaki places, of the last 10 days.
It was to be what they call in the column-writing business a think
piece.
Unfortunately, I cannot think.
Granted, that shortcoming hasn't held me back before. But this time, it
is especially acute. A couple of days ago, I came down with the flu --
which is short for fluidcomingout.
My list of symptoms sounds like the lineup you might see on a local rock
band poster: "Live! The Sweats! Nasal Congestion! Dry Cough! With a
special appearance by Malaise!" (To tell you the truth, while I do have
most of the traditional flu symptoms, malaise really isn't one of them
for me. And even if it was, it makes me uneasy and depressed to even
think about it).
It turns out that the flu has been hanging around this planet for a very
long time. Hippocrates -- a large man, known to his friends as Hippo --
first described the symptoms of what he coined as "the crud" back in 412
B.C.
"The patient is sometimes feverish ... but then, sometimes has the
chills. It may indicate that the patient has trouble making a
commitment." Not me. I committed to all of it, including muscle
aches. In fact, as I write this, my love-handles are killing me. I've
also got an oddly deep and throaty voice -- almost identical to that of
the actor Tom Bosley. I've been amusing myself for the last several
days by saying: "Hey Fonzie! Where's Potsie?" This is also part of
the delirium that accompanies the flu.
I've been lying around watching a lot of TV, too. Programs that
normally would seem ridiculous appear incredibly profound when you're
sick and groggy. This snatch of actual dialogue was heard by me from an
episode of "Hercules" the other day:
HERCULES: "Don't you realize that what you're doing is wrong?"
DISGRUNTLED BAD GUY: "Oh, sure, Hercules. It's easy for you! You're
the son of a god! You've had all the advantages!"
I found myself talking out loud to the screen: "The guy's making a
pretty good point there, Hercules."
While the flu can be a very serious thing for people who are not
normally healthy, for the majority of us it's only a moderately severe
illness. In fact, most people are back on their feet within a week.
And acrobats and contortionists are back on their hands and heads.
The best way to understand the flu is to think of it not as a single
malady, but as three different influenza virus families, A, B and C.
Within each family are many viral strains, basically like different
brothers and sisters -- brothers and sisters who have all intermarried.
No wonder they're all mean and ugly.
So just because I might have come down with flu family member Denise
doesn't mean I'm completely out of the woods when I get well again.
Because her creepy little brother Ernie -- who is also her husband,
uncle and grandpa -- could be waiting around the corner. So much for
family values.
Of course, most of us grew up being told to wear a long coat and boots
in chilly weather because a cold head and wet feet were sure-fire ways
to get colds and flu. (If you wear a long coat and boots in warm
weather, you become a person of interest.) But the real way to avoid
germs, of course, is to wash your hands a lot. Because as my mom often
pointed out: You don't know where they've been. Like my hands got up
and walked around when I wasn't looking.
In fact, I knew exactly where those hands had been. I just didn't want
her to find out.
But there really does seem to be something to the handwashing routine.
And even though Lady Macbeth had a lot of other troubles, she never did
come down with the flu. And she was only washing her hands in her
sleep!
So there are a couple of ways to try ducking the flu bug: 1) Avoid
contact with all other humans, at all times, or, 2) get a simple flu
shot. I made my decision early on and decided to avoid contact with all
other humans. But I slipped up and caught the virus while chatting with
my flu-sick uncle last week. It seems odd -- especially since I was on
the phone with him for only a couple of minutes.
Now my life has become a smorgasbord of remedies and nostrums. I'm
taking analgesics, suppressants, antihistamines and decongestants. I'm
throwing back vitamin C, zinc, echinacea -- and lots and lots of water,
a liquid found in beer.
I read somewhere that the human body is composed of something like 90
percent water. So according to my most recent measurements, my body is
now 106 percent water.
Yesterday, I decided to buy some over-the-counter stuff at Albertsons.
One product, called "flu, cold & cough hot liquid medicine," came with
this warning: "Do not use if you have difficulty in urination." Being
106 percent water already, that would not be an issue. Difficulty
stopping, yes. Starting, no.
But the warning label continued: "May cause breathing problems, nausea,
fever, aches and pains." Wait a minute! I already have those! I don't
need the medicine, after all!
I also noticed that Children's Bubblegum-flavored Tylenol may cause
excitability in kids. Gee, what a surprise. Why not just go for it and
start manufacturing Children's Pure-Sugar Tylenol?
Now, as I am finishing this column, I have just taken Nyquil ... or
Dayquil ... or Middle-of-the-afternoonquil ... or something. The
warming label says the medicashun might cause drowzines and an
inAconcenrate to ability. Fortunately, I donut seem to have any such
sideburns. And I am sertainly smart enough not to take such stuff such
as like that while columnizing my words. I just saw a giant bunny
floatering past my window wearing a ballerina outfit
and3g/<_o,fc65oighoiejeUO3IE90#%6a.............
(Editor's note: Consult your physician before believing anything Pat
Cashman writes.)
By Pat Cashman
I had intended on this morning of Jan. 10 to take a sweeping look back
at the year 2000 -- so far. I was going to offer my list of the most
significant individuals ... the most important developments ... and,
perhaps, the outstanding teriyaki places, of the last 10 days.
It was to be what they call in the column-writing business a think
piece.
Unfortunately, I cannot think.
Granted, that shortcoming hasn't held me back before. But this time, it
is especially acute. A couple of days ago, I came down with the flu --
which is short for fluidcomingout.
My list of symptoms sounds like the lineup you might see on a local rock
band poster: "Live! The Sweats! Nasal Congestion! Dry Cough! With a
special appearance by Malaise!" (To tell you the truth, while I do have
most of the traditional flu symptoms, malaise really isn't one of them
for me. And even if it was, it makes me uneasy and depressed to even
think about it).
It turns out that the flu has been hanging around this planet for a very
long time. Hippocrates -- a large man, known to his friends as Hippo --
first described the symptoms of what he coined as "the crud" back in 412
B.C.
"The patient is sometimes feverish ... but then, sometimes has the
chills. It may indicate that the patient has trouble making a
commitment." Not me. I committed to all of it, including muscle
aches. In fact, as I write this, my love-handles are killing me. I've
also got an oddly deep and throaty voice -- almost identical to that of
the actor Tom Bosley. I've been amusing myself for the last several
days by saying: "Hey Fonzie! Where's Potsie?" This is also part of
the delirium that accompanies the flu.
I've been lying around watching a lot of TV, too. Programs that
normally would seem ridiculous appear incredibly profound when you're
sick and groggy. This snatch of actual dialogue was heard by me from an
episode of "Hercules" the other day:
HERCULES: "Don't you realize that what you're doing is wrong?"
DISGRUNTLED BAD GUY: "Oh, sure, Hercules. It's easy for you! You're
the son of a god! You've had all the advantages!"
I found myself talking out loud to the screen: "The guy's making a
pretty good point there, Hercules."
While the flu can be a very serious thing for people who are not
normally healthy, for the majority of us it's only a moderately severe
illness. In fact, most people are back on their feet within a week.
And acrobats and contortionists are back on their hands and heads.
The best way to understand the flu is to think of it not as a single
malady, but as three different influenza virus families, A, B and C.
Within each family are many viral strains, basically like different
brothers and sisters -- brothers and sisters who have all intermarried.
No wonder they're all mean and ugly.
So just because I might have come down with flu family member Denise
doesn't mean I'm completely out of the woods when I get well again.
Because her creepy little brother Ernie -- who is also her husband,
uncle and grandpa -- could be waiting around the corner. So much for
family values.
Of course, most of us grew up being told to wear a long coat and boots
in chilly weather because a cold head and wet feet were sure-fire ways
to get colds and flu. (If you wear a long coat and boots in warm
weather, you become a person of interest.) But the real way to avoid
germs, of course, is to wash your hands a lot. Because as my mom often
pointed out: You don't know where they've been. Like my hands got up
and walked around when I wasn't looking.
In fact, I knew exactly where those hands had been. I just didn't want
her to find out.
But there really does seem to be something to the handwashing routine.
And even though Lady Macbeth had a lot of other troubles, she never did
come down with the flu. And she was only washing her hands in her
sleep!
So there are a couple of ways to try ducking the flu bug: 1) Avoid
contact with all other humans, at all times, or, 2) get a simple flu
shot. I made my decision early on and decided to avoid contact with all
other humans. But I slipped up and caught the virus while chatting with
my flu-sick uncle last week. It seems odd -- especially since I was on
the phone with him for only a couple of minutes.
Now my life has become a smorgasbord of remedies and nostrums. I'm
taking analgesics, suppressants, antihistamines and decongestants. I'm
throwing back vitamin C, zinc, echinacea -- and lots and lots of water,
a liquid found in beer.
I read somewhere that the human body is composed of something like 90
percent water. So according to my most recent measurements, my body is
now 106 percent water.
Yesterday, I decided to buy some over-the-counter stuff at Albertsons.
One product, called "flu, cold & cough hot liquid medicine," came with
this warning: "Do not use if you have difficulty in urination." Being
106 percent water already, that would not be an issue. Difficulty
stopping, yes. Starting, no.
But the warning label continued: "May cause breathing problems, nausea,
fever, aches and pains." Wait a minute! I already have those! I don't
need the medicine, after all!
I also noticed that Children's Bubblegum-flavored Tylenol may cause
excitability in kids. Gee, what a surprise. Why not just go for it and
start manufacturing Children's Pure-Sugar Tylenol?
Now, as I am finishing this column, I have just taken Nyquil ... or
Dayquil ... or Middle-of-the-afternoonquil ... or something. The
warming label says the medicashun might cause drowzines and an
inAconcenrate to ability. Fortunately, I donut seem to have any such
sideburns. And I am sertainly smart enough not to take such stuff such
as like that while columnizing my words. I just saw a giant bunny
floatering past my window wearing a ballerina outfit
and3g/<_o,fc65oighoiejeUO3IE90#%6a.............
(Editor's note: Consult your physician before believing anything Pat
Cashman writes.)
Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company now. The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
HMO CEO
A doctor, a nurse, and the CEO of a HMO all died on the same day. Upon
approaching the pearly gates, St. Peter asked the doctor why he should
be admitted to heaven. The doctor answered, "I healed the sick and
cared for the dying for many years." St. Peter agreed that he should
be let into heaven.
When the nurse was asked the same question by St. Peter, she replied,
"I comforted the ill and the dying for many years, as well as educated
and cared for the families." St. Peter allowed her into heaven as
well.
St. Peter then turned to the CEO of the HMO and asked him the same
question. The CEO responded, "I have cut the cost of health care and
prevented many unnecessary procedures."
St. Peter thought about what to do and then said to the CEO, "I have
decided to allow you into heaven, but only with a referral, and only
for three days!!"
Managed Caring Plan
Friendship Providers, Inc.
Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a
"traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.
HOW DOES IT WORK ?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship needs are met
by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS ?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services
from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where
you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication,
inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards,
responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental
behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated
by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your
Friendships.
HOW DO I KNOW THESE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS
ON THEIR OWN ?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a
cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to
focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the
paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of
traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship
providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.
WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING ?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery
system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing
you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a
Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs
fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.
SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARING(tm) NETWORK?
CAN MY BEST FRIEND EVER REFER ME TO THEM ?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
WHAT'S THAT ?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day,
365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of
town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for
someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely.
In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship
Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under
the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.
WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying,
moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your
back.
ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5,
going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED ?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the
proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for
coverage within 24 business hours.
BUT WHO DECIDES WHAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR ME ?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
Friendship Providers, Inc.
Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a
"traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.
HOW DOES IT WORK ?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship needs are met
by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS ?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services
from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where
you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication,
inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards,
responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental
behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated
by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your
Friendships.
HOW DO I KNOW THESE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS
ON THEIR OWN ?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a
cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to
focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the
paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of
traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship
providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.
WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING ?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery
system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing
you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a
Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs
fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.
SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARING(tm) NETWORK?
CAN MY BEST FRIEND EVER REFER ME TO THEM ?
No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
WHAT'S THAT ?
The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day,
365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of
town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for
someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely.
In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship
Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under
the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.
WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ?
Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying,
moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your
back.
ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN ?
Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5,
going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.
HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED ?
If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the
proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for
coverage within 24 business hours.
BUT WHO DECIDES WHAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR ME ?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
Managed Care Music Critic
The president of a large California managed care company was also board
chairman of his community's symphony orchestra. Unable to attend a concert,
he gave his tickets to the company's director of health care cost
containment. The next morning, the president asked his associate how he
enjoyed the performance, Instead of the expected usual polite remarks, the
director handed him the following memo:
-----------------------------------------------
To: Mr. Michael Holtz
From: Stanley Gogetter
Subject: Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony"; Performance of
The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations
relative to the performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony by the
Civic Orchestra as observed under actual working conditions,
(A) The attendance of the orchestra conductor is unnecessary for public
performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the
prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a
predetermined level of quality Considerable money could be saved
by merely having the conductor critique the orchestra's
performance during a retrospective peer review meeting
(B) For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do.
Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the
whole orchestra thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.
If it is indeed at all necessary to have oboes, a break-thru team
should be established to see if their parts could be combined
with those of the clarinet players, who could simply switch
instruments as required, there-by cutting the reed instrument
requirements approximately by one-third.
(C) All 12 violins were playing identical motions. This is unnecessary
duplication the staff of this section should be drastically cut
with consequent savings If a large volume of sound is required,
this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has
reached very high levels of reproductive quality. Or perhaps the
reduced number of violin players could pre-record their various
parts on tape and co-ordinate the playback(s) with the actual
performance. I doubt the audience would even notice.
(D) Much effort was expended playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This
seems an excessive refinement as most of the listeners are unable
to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all
notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th. If this is done, it would
be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced
musicians. This alone would save a great deal of overhead on the
payroll.
(E) No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns
the same passage that has already been handled by the strings.
If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by
the utilization review committee, the concert could have been
reduced from two hours to 20 minutes. Besides, having heard the
melody once, I fail to see what the audience gains by unnecessary
repetition. being able to reduce the house lights, and either
heating or air conditioning (depending on the season) would
greatly increase the profits on each ticket by ending the concert
forty minutes sooner.
(F) This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his
musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should
have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should
be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to
finish his symphony.
The president of a large California managed care company was also board
chairman of his community's symphony orchestra. Unable to attend a concert,
he gave his tickets to the company's director of health care cost
containment. The next morning, the president asked his associate how he
enjoyed the performance, Instead of the expected usual polite remarks, the
director handed him the following memo:
-----------------------------------------------
To: Mr. Michael Holtz
From: Stanley Gogetter
Subject: Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony"; Performance of
The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations
relative to the performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony by the
Civic Orchestra as observed under actual working conditions,
(A) The attendance of the orchestra conductor is unnecessary for public
performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the
prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a
predetermined level of quality Considerable money could be saved
by merely having the conductor critique the orchestra's
performance during a retrospective peer review meeting
(B) For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do.
Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the
whole orchestra thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.
If it is indeed at all necessary to have oboes, a break-thru team
should be established to see if their parts could be combined
with those of the clarinet players, who could simply switch
instruments as required, there-by cutting the reed instrument
requirements approximately by one-third.
(C) All 12 violins were playing identical motions. This is unnecessary
duplication the staff of this section should be drastically cut
with consequent savings If a large volume of sound is required,
this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has
reached very high levels of reproductive quality. Or perhaps the
reduced number of violin players could pre-record their various
parts on tape and co-ordinate the playback(s) with the actual
performance. I doubt the audience would even notice.
(D) Much effort was expended playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This
seems an excessive refinement as most of the listeners are unable
to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all
notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th. If this is done, it would
be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced
musicians. This alone would save a great deal of overhead on the
payroll.
(E) No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns
the same passage that has already been handled by the strings.
If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by
the utilization review committee, the concert could have been
reduced from two hours to 20 minutes. Besides, having heard the
melody once, I fail to see what the audience gains by unnecessary
repetition. being able to reduce the house lights, and either
heating or air conditioning (depending on the season) would
greatly increase the profits on each ticket by ending the concert
forty minutes sooner.
(F) This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his
musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should
have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should
be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to
finish his symphony.
New Revolution in Cheap Health Care -- Affordable HMO Opens
by Baja Arizona Publishing Company
TUCSON -- Federated Health Care of America announced today the newest
innovation in cheap health care -- an HMO without doctors.
"One of the most expensive parts of the health care system is the
doctors," explained Andrew Bongle, President of FHCA. "They cost a lot
of money in salaries and malpractice insurance, and they have this nasty
habit of ordering really costly services such as surgery."
In order to keep the cost of health care affordable for their investors,
FHCA has purchased thousands of do-it-yourself photo booths and
installed them in Walmarts around the country. The booths have been
retrofitted with a microchip diagnostic system similar to the ones found
in auto repair shops, and a series of sensors.
"Our patients will simply have to sit in the HealthChair, as we call
them, and answer a series of questions, such as 'Do you have a fever?'
The sensors will detect the body temperature and other probes can be
inserted in various parts of the body to complete the diagnosis," Bongle
said.
"Our in-store health care booths are the cutting edge of instant service
delivery to our clients," noted Bongle.
The HealthChair Booths will dispense pre-measured doses of generic drugs
such as aspirin.
"For the more serious illnesses or injuries, the HealthChair will
dispense a How To Manual for the patient to take home so they can treat
themselves," Bongle noted. "For a few extra dollars, we will even
provide video instructions."
"For example, many surgical procedures only require a local anesthetic,
so the patient will be given a disposable scalpel, a dose of pain
killer, and instructions on how to perform the surgery themselves,"
Bongle explained. "This gives new meaning to home health care."
In addition to eliminating doctors, the new FHCA HealthChair booths
eliminate nurses and hundreds of other expensive employees. "The whole
system is automated so no human beings are required for health care
delivery," Bongle added. "The only staff we will need is to process
billings to insurance carriers."
Since the HealthChair booths have video cameras installed in them to
view patients, questions of privacy have arisen. "We have solved that
problem by offering our patients discounts on their health care if
they'll let us sell the pictures of their naked bodies on the Internet,"
Bongle said.
America's first rock'n roll nursing home opened today in Green Valley,
Arizona -- a notorious retirement community.
"Given the demographics of the country," explained Richard Sottleworth,
head of the Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home, "it only made sense to
cater to the incoming generation of senior citizens."
The traditional nursing home just didn't seem appropriate for people
weaned on the Rolling Stones. "There is no way the old type of old
folks home is going to work with people playing dominoes and listening
to Lawrence Welk," explained Sottleworth. "What works best is to create
a familiar environment for our clients."
The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home will feature 24 hour rock music, and
medicinal marijuana. "Actually, the next generation of senior citizens
is going to be a lot easier to deal with," Sottleworth explained,
"because we can really dope them up and they'll love it."
The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home Company plans a national chain of
rock-oriented care facilities. "We are trying to get Dick Clark or Mick
Jagger to do promos for us, but so far no luck," added Sottleworth.
"But, there's plenty of aging rockers out there, so someone will need
the money," he added.
In addition to round-the-clock dope, the new nursing home will offer
electric guitars for residents. "They're all deaf, anyway," Sottleworth
commented.
by Baja Arizona Publishing Company
TUCSON -- Federated Health Care of America announced today the newest
innovation in cheap health care -- an HMO without doctors.
"One of the most expensive parts of the health care system is the
doctors," explained Andrew Bongle, President of FHCA. "They cost a lot
of money in salaries and malpractice insurance, and they have this nasty
habit of ordering really costly services such as surgery."
In order to keep the cost of health care affordable for their investors,
FHCA has purchased thousands of do-it-yourself photo booths and
installed them in Walmarts around the country. The booths have been
retrofitted with a microchip diagnostic system similar to the ones found
in auto repair shops, and a series of sensors.
"Our patients will simply have to sit in the HealthChair, as we call
them, and answer a series of questions, such as 'Do you have a fever?'
The sensors will detect the body temperature and other probes can be
inserted in various parts of the body to complete the diagnosis," Bongle
said.
"Our in-store health care booths are the cutting edge of instant service
delivery to our clients," noted Bongle.
The HealthChair Booths will dispense pre-measured doses of generic drugs
such as aspirin.
"For the more serious illnesses or injuries, the HealthChair will
dispense a How To Manual for the patient to take home so they can treat
themselves," Bongle noted. "For a few extra dollars, we will even
provide video instructions."
"For example, many surgical procedures only require a local anesthetic,
so the patient will be given a disposable scalpel, a dose of pain
killer, and instructions on how to perform the surgery themselves,"
Bongle explained. "This gives new meaning to home health care."
In addition to eliminating doctors, the new FHCA HealthChair booths
eliminate nurses and hundreds of other expensive employees. "The whole
system is automated so no human beings are required for health care
delivery," Bongle added. "The only staff we will need is to process
billings to insurance carriers."
Since the HealthChair booths have video cameras installed in them to
view patients, questions of privacy have arisen. "We have solved that
problem by offering our patients discounts on their health care if
they'll let us sell the pictures of their naked bodies on the Internet,"
Bongle said.
America's first rock'n roll nursing home opened today in Green Valley,
Arizona -- a notorious retirement community.
"Given the demographics of the country," explained Richard Sottleworth,
head of the Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home, "it only made sense to
cater to the incoming generation of senior citizens."
The traditional nursing home just didn't seem appropriate for people
weaned on the Rolling Stones. "There is no way the old type of old
folks home is going to work with people playing dominoes and listening
to Lawrence Welk," explained Sottleworth. "What works best is to create
a familiar environment for our clients."
The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home will feature 24 hour rock music, and
medicinal marijuana. "Actually, the next generation of senior citizens
is going to be a lot easier to deal with," Sottleworth explained,
"because we can really dope them up and they'll love it."
The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home Company plans a national chain of
rock-oriented care facilities. "We are trying to get Dick Clark or Mick
Jagger to do promos for us, but so far no luck," added Sottleworth.
"But, there's plenty of aging rockers out there, so someone will need
the money," he added.
In addition to round-the-clock dope, the new nursing home will offer
electric guitars for residents. "They're all deaf, anyway," Sottleworth
commented.
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT sick!"
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Heavenly HMO
Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?"
The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless
lives."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Saint Peter then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"
The second answers, "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and
old alike. I made them well again."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"
The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped pay for thousands to receive
medical care."
"Okay," replies Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half."
Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?"
The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless
lives."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Saint Peter then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"
The second answers, "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and
old alike. I made them well again."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"
The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped pay for thousands to receive
medical care."
"Okay," replies Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half."
History of the Voices in Your Head
2000 BC - These voices are the gods and the spirits of humans. You
are blessed.
0 AD - These voices are of God, you are His son.
400-1200 AD - These are the voices of the Devil, you are Cursed you
must die.
1350-1500 AD - These are voices of the Saints, liberate us.
1600-1750 AD (esp. US) - These are voices of the Devil and of witches.
You are a witch. You must burn.
1800-1990's AD - These voices are your SuperEgo, your Ego, and your
Id. You are insane. You must be locked up.
2000 AD - These voices are the gods and the spirits of humans. You
are blessed.
2000 BC - These voices are the gods and the spirits of humans. You
are blessed.
0 AD - These voices are of God, you are His son.
400-1200 AD - These are the voices of the Devil, you are Cursed you
must die.
1350-1500 AD - These are voices of the Saints, liberate us.
1600-1750 AD (esp. US) - These are voices of the Devil and of witches.
You are a witch. You must burn.
1800-1990's AD - These voices are your SuperEgo, your Ego, and your
Id. You are insane. You must be locked up.
2000 AD - These voices are the gods and the spirits of humans. You
are blessed.
To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy.
In addition to routine nursing duties, charge nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non- ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.
Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X- rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.
Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.
In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO's formulary.
Hospitals
Years ago most hospitals were known for their "TLC" (Tender
Loving Care). Well, I guess most still are, except now, TLC
means Take Lottsa Cash.
My sister-in-law, Clara, wanted to see if she could get some
information on my condition after I had had a mild heart attack.
She asked the duty Nurse if I was making any progress.
"Not in the least." the Nurse replied, "He's not my type."
- - - - -
When I was in Howard County General I kind-of took-up a habit
of flirting with this one particular lil' Nurse. One morning I
told her I wished I could stay longer as I enjoyed our banter.
She said, "You may just get your wish. My boyfriend, the Ward
Doctor, heard you flirting with me yesterday."
Mrs JimJr kept her sense of humor while she was in the hospital
for a very serious condition. She could only be fed intravenously,
which isn't very pleasant at all. She asked the Nurse if she could
have a couple of extra bottles this one day. The Nurse asked her
"Whatever for ?" She kinda giggled and said, "I'm having people
over for lunch."
At a Prima Care Clinic in Wylie Texas, an older woman found one
reason or another to visit daily. She had few friends and liked
to chat with the Doctors and Nurses. They in turn treated all
of her medical complaints with seeming concern and compassion.
Showing up one afternoon, after being absent for over a week,
a Nurse asked her why she hadn't been there in so long.
The lady responded, "I've been sick all week."
Years ago most hospitals were known for their "TLC" (Tender
Loving Care). Well, I guess most still are, except now, TLC
means Take Lottsa Cash.
My sister-in-law, Clara, wanted to see if she could get some
information on my condition after I had had a mild heart attack.
She asked the duty Nurse if I was making any progress.
"Not in the least." the Nurse replied, "He's not my type."
- - - - -
When I was in Howard County General I kind-of took-up a habit
of flirting with this one particular lil' Nurse. One morning I
told her I wished I could stay longer as I enjoyed our banter.
She said, "You may just get your wish. My boyfriend, the Ward
Doctor, heard you flirting with me yesterday."
Mrs JimJr kept her sense of humor while she was in the hospital
for a very serious condition. She could only be fed intravenously,
which isn't very pleasant at all. She asked the Nurse if she could
have a couple of extra bottles this one day. The Nurse asked her
"Whatever for ?" She kinda giggled and said, "I'm having people
over for lunch."
At a Prima Care Clinic in Wylie Texas, an older woman found one
reason or another to visit daily. She had few friends and liked
to chat with the Doctors and Nurses. They in turn treated all
of her medical complaints with seeming concern and compassion.
Showing up one afternoon, after being absent for over a week,
a Nurse asked her why she hadn't been there in so long.
The lady responded, "I've been sick all week."
Psychiatric Hotline
RING
RING
CLICK
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press. No one will answer.
RING
RING
CLICK
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press. No one will answer.
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't. I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when
Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush
pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and
says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and
ask the doctor what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone
Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"
The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on
the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."
Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger
asks "What did the doctor say?"
Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"
Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush
pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and
says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and
ask the doctor what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone
Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"
The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on
the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."
Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger
asks "What did the doctor say?"
Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"
Play Doctor
The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class
asked her to play doctor.
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
insurance company."
The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class
asked her to play doctor.
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
insurance company."
Life in Hypochondria
(c) 1999 by W. Bruce Cameron
I am one of those people for whom the mention of a disease is the same as a
diagnosis. This is particularly true when those public service messages
come on the radio, listing the 14 signs of edema--invariably, I have all 14
symptoms. Like this:
Public Service Announcer: "Do you have skull apathy? Skull apathy
afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests and
then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these symptoms:
"Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as
pulsating colors or bird whistles?"
(Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that
is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny
bend in one of his legs.)
"Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his
lips?"
(Yes!)
"Do you think you are like everyone else?"
(Doesn't everybody?)
"Do you have trouble booting Windows 95?"
(Yes!)
"Do flames shoot out of your eyes when you are driving at night?"
(Yes! Well, sort of.)
"Are you troubled by cold sheets, swooping bats, percussion grenades?"
(Yes Yes Yes!)
"Did you cry at the movie Titanic, even though there were other guys in the
theater?"
(Yes! Hey wait, I didn't say that.)
"If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably too late to
see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma somewhere after the
third question. Have a nice day."
Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I zoom
home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring the
receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I have
insurance.
"This is Doctor Spleensplitter."
"Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you answered the
phone."
"Oh, I'm... I believe I picked up the wrong line."
"Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull apathy,
plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me!"
"Skull apathy?"
"Yes."
"What sort of symptoms are you experiencing, Mr. Cameron?"
"Well, I have this mole shaped like a moose, only lately it looks like it
has developed a limp."
"Well then. Maybe you should see a veterinarian."
"Plus, I sometimes see Al Gore using Windows 95 without moving his lips!"
"Mr. Cameron..."
"I need some of those same pills you gave me last time."
"Mr. Cameron, those were placeboes."
"Yes, that's what I need, more placeboes! Only more powerful ones."
"More powerful placeboes."
"Yes!"
"Mr. Cameron, may I ask you a very important question?"
"Yes, I have insurance."
"No, not that. I was reviewing your file the other day..."
"You were? Why, do you suspect I've got something even more serious than
skull apathy?"
"No, actually, it's because our staff requested a whole new filing cabinet
to put it in, and I wanted to see if there was anything in there we could
throw out. Mr. Cameron, do you realize you've complained of nearly every
malady known to man?"
"I have?"
"Plus some I'd never heard of before. Wake Apnea. Sudden Shower Syndrome.
Reverse Appendicitis. And now this new one..."
"Skull apathy?"
"Precisely. Mr. Cameron, has anyone ever suggested to you that you might
be suffering a bit of hypochondria?"
"Hypochondria? Is it serious? What are the symptoms? Tell me straight,
doc, how much time have I got?"
"No, it isn't serious at all. In fact, a lot of people have it, in some
form or another."
"So I caught it from somebody else?"
"Mr. Cameron, hypochondria is merely a term for people who worry
obsessively that they may have some disease or affliction."
"Well, I am worried! I'm worried I might have hypochondria! Are there any
placeboes that can be used to cure it?"
"You're not understanding me, Mr. Cameron. It isn't a real disease."
"You mean I'm sick with something FAKE?" This opens up a whole new realm
of doom that I hadn't even contemplated before. I swallow, feeling the
first trickle of a whole host of phony symptoms. "What's next, a CAT scan?
An MRI? Should I have my internal organs removed? Doc, I'm too young to
have hypochondria. I was just beginning to live life to the fullest!"
Well, maybe not to the fullest, but I had just purchased fresh batteries
for the TV remote and was looking forward to a night of crisp channel
changes. Now it seems pointless, somehow.
"Mr. Cameron, I'm afraid I'm not making myself clear, here. There's
nothing really wrong with you. You just have a morbid obsession."
He thinks he is fooling me, with his medical jargon, but I know what
morbidity is. From the Greek word "Mortimer," which means death.
Mortician. Post Mortem. Today I mort, yesterday I morted, tomorrow I will
have mortalized. Tomorrow.
"24 hours." I whisper.
"Mr. Cameron?"
"I appreciate you calling me, Doc."
"Well, I didn't call you."
"Whatever. I just... having one more day to at least put my life in order,
maybe catch one last episode of Baywatch..."
"Mr. Cameron."
"Yes?"
He sighs heavily. "I'll call in a prescription for some placeboes right
away. Treated aggressively, you should be well on your way to recovery by
the end of the week."
(c) 1999 by W. Bruce Cameron
I am one of those people for whom the mention of a disease is the same as a
diagnosis. This is particularly true when those public service messages
come on the radio, listing the 14 signs of edema--invariably, I have all 14
symptoms. Like this:
Public Service Announcer: "Do you have skull apathy? Skull apathy
afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests and
then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these symptoms:
"Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as
pulsating colors or bird whistles?"
(Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that
is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny
bend in one of his legs.)
"Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his
lips?"
(Yes!)
"Do you think you are like everyone else?"
(Doesn't everybody?)
"Do you have trouble booting Windows 95?"
(Yes!)
"Do flames shoot out of your eyes when you are driving at night?"
(Yes! Well, sort of.)
"Are you troubled by cold sheets, swooping bats, percussion grenades?"
(Yes Yes Yes!)
"Did you cry at the movie Titanic, even though there were other guys in the
theater?"
(Yes! Hey wait, I didn't say that.)
"If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably too late to
see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma somewhere after the
third question. Have a nice day."
Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I zoom
home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring the
receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I have
insurance.
"This is Doctor Spleensplitter."
"Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you answered the
phone."
"Oh, I'm... I believe I picked up the wrong line."
"Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull apathy,
plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me!"
"Skull apathy?"
"Yes."
"What sort of symptoms are you experiencing, Mr. Cameron?"
"Well, I have this mole shaped like a moose, only lately it looks like it
has developed a limp."
"Well then. Maybe you should see a veterinarian."
"Plus, I sometimes see Al Gore using Windows 95 without moving his lips!"
"Mr. Cameron..."
"I need some of those same pills you gave me last time."
"Mr. Cameron, those were placeboes."
"Yes, that's what I need, more placeboes! Only more powerful ones."
"More powerful placeboes."
"Yes!"
"Mr. Cameron, may I ask you a very important question?"
"Yes, I have insurance."
"No, not that. I was reviewing your file the other day..."
"You were? Why, do you suspect I've got something even more serious than
skull apathy?"
"No, actually, it's because our staff requested a whole new filing cabinet
to put it in, and I wanted to see if there was anything in there we could
throw out. Mr. Cameron, do you realize you've complained of nearly every
malady known to man?"
"I have?"
"Plus some I'd never heard of before. Wake Apnea. Sudden Shower Syndrome.
Reverse Appendicitis. And now this new one..."
"Skull apathy?"
"Precisely. Mr. Cameron, has anyone ever suggested to you that you might
be suffering a bit of hypochondria?"
"Hypochondria? Is it serious? What are the symptoms? Tell me straight,
doc, how much time have I got?"
"No, it isn't serious at all. In fact, a lot of people have it, in some
form or another."
"So I caught it from somebody else?"
"Mr. Cameron, hypochondria is merely a term for people who worry
obsessively that they may have some disease or affliction."
"Well, I am worried! I'm worried I might have hypochondria! Are there any
placeboes that can be used to cure it?"
"You're not understanding me, Mr. Cameron. It isn't a real disease."
"You mean I'm sick with something FAKE?" This opens up a whole new realm
of doom that I hadn't even contemplated before. I swallow, feeling the
first trickle of a whole host of phony symptoms. "What's next, a CAT scan?
An MRI? Should I have my internal organs removed? Doc, I'm too young to
have hypochondria. I was just beginning to live life to the fullest!"
Well, maybe not to the fullest, but I had just purchased fresh batteries
for the TV remote and was looking forward to a night of crisp channel
changes. Now it seems pointless, somehow.
"Mr. Cameron, I'm afraid I'm not making myself clear, here. There's
nothing really wrong with you. You just have a morbid obsession."
He thinks he is fooling me, with his medical jargon, but I know what
morbidity is. From the Greek word "Mortimer," which means death.
Mortician. Post Mortem. Today I mort, yesterday I morted, tomorrow I will
have mortalized. Tomorrow.
"24 hours." I whisper.
"Mr. Cameron?"
"I appreciate you calling me, Doc."
"Well, I didn't call you."
"Whatever. I just... having one more day to at least put my life in order,
maybe catch one last episode of Baywatch..."
"Mr. Cameron."
"Yes?"
He sighs heavily. "I'll call in a prescription for some placeboes right
away. Treated aggressively, you should be well on your way to recovery by
the end of the week."
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer."
She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look.
Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
Medical Opinions
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other
doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then
they'll see that I was right."
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other
doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then
they'll see that I was right."
First there was Psychotherapy,
Then there was PsychoPharmacology
Now there is ATTITUDE SURGERY!
If you have tried the traditional mental health route...and are still having attitude problems.... consider having an OPTORECTOMY procedure.
The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your rectum to your eyes and, hopefully, alleviates your poopy outlook on life.
Medical Report Blunders
Doctors may not say exactly what they mean..........
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated
by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer,
Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to
his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have
suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he
stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would
like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
This patient has been under many psychiatrists in the past
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
She was divorced last April. No other serious illness.
Dr. [Blank] is watching his prostate.
The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other
people.
The patient was somewhat agitated and had to be encouraged to feed and
eat himself.
The patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused
by an insect bite by an ophthalmologist.
Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her
forties.
Physician has been following the patient's breast for six years.
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above
the knee amputation last year.
Doctors may not say exactly what they mean..........
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated
by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer,
Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to
his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have
suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he
stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would
like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
This patient has been under many psychiatrists in the past
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
She was divorced last April. No other serious illness.
Dr. [Blank] is watching his prostate.
The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other
people.
The patient was somewhat agitated and had to be encouraged to feed and
eat himself.
The patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused
by an insect bite by an ophthalmologist.
Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her
forties.
Physician has been following the patient's breast for six years.
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above
the knee amputation last year.
Medical Specialists
When doctors were told to contribute to the construction
of a new wing at a hospital:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of
nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face
on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
The new wing didn't fly!
When doctors were told to contribute to the construction
of a new wing at a hospital:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of
nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face
on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
The new wing didn't fly!
Medical or Surgical?
Conversation between two small boys in the children's ward of a
hospital:
"Are you medical or surgical?"
"Gee, I don't know what you mean by that."
"Well, were you sick when you came in, or did they make you sick
after you got here?"
Conversation between two small boys in the children's ward of a
hospital:
"Are you medical or surgical?"
"Gee, I don't know what you mean by that."
"Well, were you sick when you came in, or did they make you sick
after you got here?"
Medical Truths
Announcement: the Mental-Illness-of-the-Month Club is being disbanded immediately. The reasons being:
You members were obviously out to ruin us; it's all clear now. It took all our remaining personal savings to track you all down. Therefore, here is your last installment: clinical depression. Have a nice day.
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to re-dress the balance:
Murphy's Laws of EMS
The First Law of EMS:
All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, without regard to the time.
Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
Corollary 2: Always order food "to go".
The Law of Time:
1. There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.
2. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
The Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
The Law of Time Versus Distance:
The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
Corollary 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
The Rule of Random Syncronicity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.
The Law of Respiratory Arrest:
All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.
The Basic Principle for Dispatchers:
Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
The Basic Principle for Field Personnel:
Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
The Axiom of Late Night Runs:
If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking: somebody is still missing.
The Law of Options:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.
Corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.
The First Rule of Equipment:
Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until: a)You need it to save a life, or b)The salesman leaves.
The Other Rules of Equipment:
Interchangeable parts don't
Leak proof seals will
Self-starters won't.
The First Law of Ambulance Operation:
No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, until you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Unless you are responding to an"Officer Down" call then it is physically impossible to be travelling fast enough!
EMS Bathroom Rules:
If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a Bathroom.
If you have just gone to the Bathroom, no call will be received.
If you have not just gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it.
The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the Bathroom.
General Principles Concerning Dispatchers:
Given the opportunity, any Dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.
Corollary 1: The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a Dispatcher
Corollary 2: Any street designated as a Cross-street" by a Dispatcher probably isn't.
Corollary 3: If a street name can be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it.
Corollary 4: If a street name cannot be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it anyway.
Corollary 5: A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center.
The Law of Triage:
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.
The Gross Injury Law:
Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.
The Supervisor Equation:
Given the equation: X +Y = Q
Q = Quality of Care
X = the care that you render
Y = the assistance supplied by any Supervisor.
If you can eliminate Y from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by X².
Corollary 1: Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field.
Corollary 2: The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Corollary 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The Law of Protocol Language:
The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".
Corollary 1: If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
Corollary 2: If you can understand it, you probably don't.
The Law of EMS Educators:
Those who can't do, teach.
The Law of EMS Evaluators:
Those who can't do or teach, evaluate.
The Law of Light:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine
that injury decreases.
The Law of Space:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount
of space which is available to work on that patient.
EMS Relativity:
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.
The Theory of Weight:
The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases exponentially by the
number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient and the number of floors
which must be descended while carrying the patient.
Corollary 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.
Corollary 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.
The Laws of Non-Transport:
A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient who has just thrown you out of their house.
The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches.
By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.
The First Rule of Bystanders
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.
The Second Rule of Bystanders:
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise. (Unless the emergency is obstetrical in nature, then the bystander will be a Dermatologist.)
The Rule of Warning Devices
Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.
Corollary 1: Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.
Corollary 2: Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness.
note: This Rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.
The Law of Show and Tell
A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.
Corollary 1: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.
Corollary 2: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.
Corollary 3: A vital piece of equipment will be missing.
The Rule of Rookies
The true value of any Rookie, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number.
The value of this number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10.
Medical skill: 1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 =Johnny and Roy.
Driving ability: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.
The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the Rookie's self-assigned value.
Corollary 1: Treat any Rookie assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders, above.)
Corollary 2: We were all rookies once upon a time....
The Law of Rules:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.
PS - Murphy was an optimist!
The First Law of EMS:
All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, without regard to the time.
Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
Corollary 2: Always order food "to go".
The Law of Time:
1. There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.
2. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
The Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
The Law of Time Versus Distance:
The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
Corollary 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
The Rule of Random Syncronicity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.
The Law of Respiratory Arrest:
All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.
The Basic Principle for Dispatchers:
Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
The Basic Principle for Field Personnel:
Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
The Axiom of Late Night Runs:
If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking: somebody is still missing.
The Law of Options:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.
Corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.
The First Rule of Equipment:
Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until: a)You need it to save a life, or b)The salesman leaves.
The Other Rules of Equipment:
Interchangeable parts don't
Leak proof seals will
Self-starters won't.
The First Law of Ambulance Operation:
No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, until you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Unless you are responding to an"Officer Down" call then it is physically impossible to be travelling fast enough!
EMS Bathroom Rules:
If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a Bathroom.
If you have just gone to the Bathroom, no call will be received.
If you have not just gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it.
The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the Bathroom.
General Principles Concerning Dispatchers:
Given the opportunity, any Dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.
Corollary 1: The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a Dispatcher
Corollary 2: Any street designated as a Cross-street" by a Dispatcher probably isn't.
Corollary 3: If a street name can be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it.
Corollary 4: If a street name cannot be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it anyway.
Corollary 5: A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center.
The Law of Triage:
In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.
The Gross Injury Law:
Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.
The Supervisor Equation:
Given the equation: X +Y = Q
Q = Quality of Care
X = the care that you render
Y = the assistance supplied by any Supervisor.
If you can eliminate Y from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by X².
Corollary 1: Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field.
Corollary 2: The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Corollary 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The Law of Protocol Language:
The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".
Corollary 1: If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
Corollary 2: If you can understand it, you probably don't.
The Law of EMS Educators:
Those who can't do, teach.
The Law of EMS Evaluators:
Those who can't do or teach, evaluate.
The Law of Light:
As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine
that injury decreases.
The Law of Space:
The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount
of space which is available to work on that patient.
EMS Relativity:
The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.
The Theory of Weight:
The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases exponentially by the
number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient and the number of floors
which must be descended while carrying the patient.
Corollary 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.
Corollary 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.
The Laws of Non-Transport:
A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient who has just thrown you out of their house.
The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches.
By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.
The First Rule of Bystanders
Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.
The Second Rule of Bystanders:
Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise. (Unless the emergency is obstetrical in nature, then the bystander will be a Dermatologist.)
The Rule of Warning Devices
Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.
Corollary 1: Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.
Corollary 2: Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness.
note: This Rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.
The Law of Show and Tell
A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.
Corollary 1: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.
Corollary 2: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.
Corollary 3: A vital piece of equipment will be missing.
The Rule of Rookies
The true value of any Rookie, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number.
The value of this number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10.
Medical skill: 1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 =Johnny and Roy.
Driving ability: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.
The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the Rookie's self-assigned value.
Corollary 1: Treat any Rookie assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders, above.)
Corollary 2: We were all rookies once upon a time....
The Law of Rules:
As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.
PS - Murphy was an optimist!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
name and generic name. For example, the trade name of
Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it has
settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer
call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to
the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
name and generic name. For example, the trade name of
Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it has
settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer
call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to
the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window. Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this
he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her
breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "yYou're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window. Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this
he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her
breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "yYou're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!
Obsession
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an
obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by
showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and
asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!!
Four people having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says,
"One man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient
identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I
do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the
dirty pictures!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an
obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by
showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and
asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!!
Four people having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says,
"One man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient
identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I
do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the
dirty pictures!"
Old Habits Die Hard
Dr. Shapiro was a obstetrician/gynecologist for 25 years. One day,
he decided he just couldn't deliver one more baby.
He was just burned-out, so he decided to completely change professions
and enrolled in an auto mechanics course to become an auto mechanic.
After several months he took his final exam and was totally surprised
when he made a score of 200 on a test with a possible score of 100.
He thought he had better ask the instructor why such a score.
The instructor explained "Well, Dr. Shapiro, you correctly disassembled
the engine for 50 points, and you correctly reassembled the engine for
another 50 points and I gave you an extra 100 points for doing it all
through the muffler!"
Dr. Shapiro was a obstetrician/gynecologist for 25 years. One day,
he decided he just couldn't deliver one more baby.
He was just burned-out, so he decided to completely change professions
and enrolled in an auto mechanics course to become an auto mechanic.
After several months he took his final exam and was totally surprised
when he made a score of 200 on a test with a possible score of 100.
He thought he had better ask the instructor why such a score.
The instructor explained "Well, Dr. Shapiro, you correctly disassembled
the engine for 50 points, and you correctly reassembled the engine for
another 50 points and I gave you an extra 100 points for doing it all
through the muffler!"
Old Wives' Tales
by Richard Cutler
I don't know how long those women had to be married to think up the
original Old Wives' Tales but MY wife started coming up with them in
our honeymoon suite.
According to her it was bad luck for a bride to get undressed and ready
for bed in front of her husband. I'm still not sure of the connection
between misfortune and a locked bathroom door at the Motel 6. But I
wasn't allowed to see her in her gown before the wedding and she wasn't
about to let me see her get out of it, either, later on.
It didn't surprise me all that much. Having been raised under the
supervision of a mother and two grandmothers I learned quickly that much
of the wisdom women impart is based on some strange concatenation of
superstition, folklore and myth ... all of it in the public domain and
freely circulated and adapted to apply to almost any situation. Even
when it's logic-free or contradictory.
Like how when we were little and couldn't go in swimming until an hour
after lunch but were popped in the tub right after supper.
Or my mother's favorite: Feed a cold and starve a fever, which my wife
thinks is the other way around. Yet either way will cure a cold in six or
seven days -- and with my wife's plan you also get to lose weight.
Actually, one of my sore spots is her belief about colds. My contention
is that if you get a chill, sit in a draft or go out and get wet in the
rain or snow you catch cold. I base this on what my mother said every time
she bundled me up to the point where normal vision and locomotion were
inhibited and then sent me off to school or out to play.
That, plus the fact that every time I've tested the notion since then on
my own I have gotten sick. Besides, that's obviously why they are called
colds in the first place.
My wife says that's a lot of hogwash. (Yes, coming from New Jersey she
sometimes talks like that.) She will concede that just maybe such conditions
lower one's resistance and allow the odd germ or virus to get in and do its
dirty work but cold air and chills are not the cause.
She also has feelings about water. For a cold she will alter the word to
"fluids" but otherwise she is specific: An apple a day is important, but the
true doctor deterrent (and prescribed treatment for anything from general
malaise to hangnail) is water. Eight glasses a day. Every day. Summer or
winter and all points in between.
I am lucky to get three down the hatch, max. Even if I mowed the lawn in
100 degree heat I couldn't gag down eight glasses. Beer, maybe ... or Coke,
but that's not good enough for her. She says this and coffee and iced tea
don't count. Maybe I could get down a couple of more with a dollop of Scotch
(for coloring) but I am told that somehow negates the effect.
My feeling is that eight glasses of water, plus the occasional juice and
milk will (even with first-rate plumbing) make sloshing noises when you walk.
I say that if we were meant to consume that much water our earliest ancestors
would never have been allowed to crawl up onto dry land.
And I don't care if coffee DOES dehydrate me. I can't face the day without it.
Lots of it. Water just won't cut it.
My wife is full of stuff like this.
She says that everything she tells me can be found in medical literature going
way back.
Maybe so. But I don't recall seeing anything about it in the Hippocratic Oath,
which is probably unconstitutional by now ... at least the parts about healing
the sick whether they have insurance or not -- and house calls. (Okay, so
maybe I didn't read it all that carefully.)
But we just naturally go round and round about doctors, anyway. To hear us
then you'd think we were on that late night talk show "Politically Incoherent"
the way she just keeps talking all during my remarks for fear I'll sneak a
point in edgewise.
Personally, I think the medical profession lost something when it split off
from the barbering trade, and whereas I have to be dragged kicking and
screaming to a physician (even since BEFORE my sigmoidoscopy), I willingly
visit the lady who cuts my hair. And not just because she holds my head
steady with her cleavage and I tip her generously when she's done.
My wife also insists that a house should be kept about five degrees below
comfortable. Early in our marriage I was given the responsibility for coming
up with the money to pay the mortgage and any other bills necessary to
maintaining a normal home. And she got to be in charge of the thermostat.
So far she hasn't come up with an adage regulating the TV set. But just in
case, I'm holding on to the remote.
by Richard Cutler
I don't know how long those women had to be married to think up the
original Old Wives' Tales but MY wife started coming up with them in
our honeymoon suite.
According to her it was bad luck for a bride to get undressed and ready
for bed in front of her husband. I'm still not sure of the connection
between misfortune and a locked bathroom door at the Motel 6. But I
wasn't allowed to see her in her gown before the wedding and she wasn't
about to let me see her get out of it, either, later on.
It didn't surprise me all that much. Having been raised under the
supervision of a mother and two grandmothers I learned quickly that much
of the wisdom women impart is based on some strange concatenation of
superstition, folklore and myth ... all of it in the public domain and
freely circulated and adapted to apply to almost any situation. Even
when it's logic-free or contradictory.
Like how when we were little and couldn't go in swimming until an hour
after lunch but were popped in the tub right after supper.
Or my mother's favorite: Feed a cold and starve a fever, which my wife
thinks is the other way around. Yet either way will cure a cold in six or
seven days -- and with my wife's plan you also get to lose weight.
Actually, one of my sore spots is her belief about colds. My contention
is that if you get a chill, sit in a draft or go out and get wet in the
rain or snow you catch cold. I base this on what my mother said every time
she bundled me up to the point where normal vision and locomotion were
inhibited and then sent me off to school or out to play.
That, plus the fact that every time I've tested the notion since then on
my own I have gotten sick. Besides, that's obviously why they are called
colds in the first place.
My wife says that's a lot of hogwash. (Yes, coming from New Jersey she
sometimes talks like that.) She will concede that just maybe such conditions
lower one's resistance and allow the odd germ or virus to get in and do its
dirty work but cold air and chills are not the cause.
She also has feelings about water. For a cold she will alter the word to
"fluids" but otherwise she is specific: An apple a day is important, but the
true doctor deterrent (and prescribed treatment for anything from general
malaise to hangnail) is water. Eight glasses a day. Every day. Summer or
winter and all points in between.
I am lucky to get three down the hatch, max. Even if I mowed the lawn in
100 degree heat I couldn't gag down eight glasses. Beer, maybe ... or Coke,
but that's not good enough for her. She says this and coffee and iced tea
don't count. Maybe I could get down a couple of more with a dollop of Scotch
(for coloring) but I am told that somehow negates the effect.
My feeling is that eight glasses of water, plus the occasional juice and
milk will (even with first-rate plumbing) make sloshing noises when you walk.
I say that if we were meant to consume that much water our earliest ancestors
would never have been allowed to crawl up onto dry land.
And I don't care if coffee DOES dehydrate me. I can't face the day without it.
Lots of it. Water just won't cut it.
My wife is full of stuff like this.
She says that everything she tells me can be found in medical literature going
way back.
Maybe so. But I don't recall seeing anything about it in the Hippocratic Oath,
which is probably unconstitutional by now ... at least the parts about healing
the sick whether they have insurance or not -- and house calls. (Okay, so
maybe I didn't read it all that carefully.)
But we just naturally go round and round about doctors, anyway. To hear us
then you'd think we were on that late night talk show "Politically Incoherent"
the way she just keeps talking all during my remarks for fear I'll sneak a
point in edgewise.
Personally, I think the medical profession lost something when it split off
from the barbering trade, and whereas I have to be dragged kicking and
screaming to a physician (even since BEFORE my sigmoidoscopy), I willingly
visit the lady who cuts my hair. And not just because she holds my head
steady with her cleavage and I tip her generously when she's done.
My wife also insists that a house should be kept about five degrees below
comfortable. Early in our marriage I was given the responsibility for coming
up with the money to pay the mortgage and any other bills necessary to
maintaining a normal home. And she got to be in charge of the thermostat.
So far she hasn't come up with an adage regulating the TV set. But just in
case, I'm holding on to the remote.
The "Oy!" of HMOs
Frequently Asked Questions About Managed Health Care
--by David Lubar
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots
go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if
he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the
physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and
referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who
were participating in the plan at the time the information was
gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those
who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you
but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want
to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be
pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me stomach ache.
What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your
primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then
get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Frequently Asked Questions About Managed Health Care
--by David Lubar
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots
go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if
he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the
physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and
referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who
were participating in the plan at the time the information was
gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those
who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you
but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want
to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be
pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me stomach ache.
What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your
primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then
get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
A Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients
1. Do Not Expect Your Doctor To Share Your Discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him
to lose valuable scientific objectivity
2. Be Cheerful At All Times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires
all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try To Suffer From The Disease For Which you are Treated
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to
uphold.
4. Do Not Complain If The Treatment fails To Bring Relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
into the true nature of your illness, Which transcends any mere
permanent disability you may experience.
5. Never Ask Your Doctor To Explain What He Is Doing Or Why
He Is Doing It.
It is presumptuous to assume that profound matters could
be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit To Novel Experimental Treatment Readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the
resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay Your Medical Bills Promptly And Willingly
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however
modestly, to the well being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do Not Suffer Ailments That You Cannot Afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
means.
9. Never Reveal Any Of The Shortcomings That Have Come to Light In the
Course Of Treatment By Your Doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you
have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never Die While In Your Doctor's Presence Or Under His Direct Care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and
embarrassment.
A Long Alphabetical List of Phobias
Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing.
Acarophobia- Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
Acerophobia- Fear of sourness.
Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Acousticophobia- Fear of noise.
Acrophobia- Fear of heights.
Aerophobia- Fear of drafts, air swallowing, or airbourne noxious substances.
Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places.
Aeronausiphobia- Fear of vomiting secondary to airsickness.
Agliophobia- Fear of pain.
Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places
like markets.
Agraphobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
Agrizoophobia- Fear of wild animals.
Agyrophobia- Fear of streets or crossing the street.
Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.
Albuminurophobia- Fear of kidney disease.
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
Algophobia- Fear of pain.
Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Altophobia- Fear of heights.
Amathophobia- Fear of dust.
Amaxophobia- Fear of riding in a car.
Ambulophobia- Fear of walking.
Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.
Amychophobia- Fear of scratches or being scratched.
Anablepobia- Fear of looking up.
Ancraophobia or Anemophobia- Fear of wind.
Androphobia- Fear of men.
Anemophobia- Fear of air drafts or wind.
Anginophobia- Fear of angina, choking or narrowness.
Anglophobia- Fear of England, English culture, etc.
Angrophobia - Fear of becoming angry.
Ankylophobia- Fear of immobility of a joint.
Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.
Antlophobia- Fear of floods.
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.
Aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched. (Haphephobia)
Apiphobia- Fear of bees.
Apotemnophobia- Fear of persons with amputations.
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the
mouth.
Arachnephobia or Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.
Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers.
Arrhenphobia- Fear of men.
Arsonphobia- Fear of fire.
Asthenophobia- Fear of fainting or weakness.
Astraphobia or Astrapophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
Astrophobia- Fear of stars and celestial space.
Asymmetriphobia- Fear of asymmetrical things.
Ataxiophobia- Fear of ataxia (muscular incoordination)
Ataxophobia- Fear of disorder or untidiness.
Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.
Atephobia- Fear of ruins.
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
Atomosophobia - Fear of atomic explosions.
Atychiphobia- Fear of failure.
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
Aurophobia- Fear of gold.
Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern lights.
Autodysomophobia- Fear of one that has a vile odor.
Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures,
wax statues - anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
Automysophobia- Fear of being dirty.
Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Aviophobia or Aviatophobia- Fear of flying.
Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes.
Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.
Ballistophobia- Fear of missles or bullets.
Bolshephobia- Fear of Bolsheviks.
Barophobia- Fear of gravity.
Basophobia or Basiphobia- Inability to stand. Fear of walking or falling.
Bathophobia- Fear of depth.
Batonophobia- Fear of plants.
Batophobia- Fear of heights or being close to high buildings.
Batrachophobia- Fear of amphibians, such as frogs, newts, salamanders,
etc.
Belonephobia- Fear of pins and needles. (Aichmophobia)
Bibliophobia- Fear of books.
Blennophobia- Fear of slime.
Bogyphobia- Fear of bogies or the bogeyman.
Bromidrosiphobia or Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells.
Brontophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
Bufonophobia- Fear of toads.
Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness.
Cainophobia or Cainotophobia- Fear of newness, novelty.
Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Cancerophobia- Fear of cancer.
Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer.
Cardiophobia- Fear of the heart.
Carnophobia- Fear of meat.
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed.
Catapedaphobia- Fear of jumping from high and low places.
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.
Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors.
Cenophobia or Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas.
Ceraunophobia- Fear of thunder.
Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.
Cheimaphobia or Cheimatophobia- Fear of cold.
Chemophobia- Fear of chemicals or working with chemicals.
Cherophobia- Fear of gaiety.
Chionophobia- Fear of snow.
Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.
Cholerophobia- Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.
Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.
Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia- Fear of money.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors.
Chronophobia- Fear of time.
Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks.
Cibophobia or Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food.
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.
Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia- Fear of being locked in an enclosed
place.
Cleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
Climacophobia- Fear of stairs, climbing or of falling downstairs.
Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.
Clithrophobia or Cleithrophobia- Fear of being enclosed.
Cnidophobia- Fear of strings.
Cometophobia- Fear of comets.
Coimetrophobia- Fear of cemeteries.
Coitophobia- Fear of coitus.
Contreltophobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.
Coprophobia- Fear of feces.
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
Counterphobia- The preference by a phobic for fearful situations.
Cremnophobia- Fear of precipices.
Cryophobia- Fear of extreme cold, ice or frost.
Crystallophobia- Fear of crystals or glass.
Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer.
Cyclophobia- Fear of bicycles.
Cymophobia- Fear of waves or wave like motions.
Cynophobia- Fear of dogs or rabies.
Cypridophobia, Cypriphobia, Cyprianophobia, or Cyprinophobia - Fear of
prostitutes or venereal disease.
Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.
Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements.
Deipnophobia- Fear of dining and dinner conversations.
Dementophobia- Fear of insanity.
Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons.
Demophobia- Fear of crowds. (Agoraphobia)
Dendrophobia- Fear of trees.
Dentophobia- Fear of dentists.
Dermatophobia- Fear of skin lesions.
Dermatosiophobia or Dermatophobia or Dermatopathophobia- Fear of skin
disease.
Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Diabetophobia- Fear of diabetes.
Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school.
Dikephobia- Fear of justice.
Dinophobia- Fear of dizziness or whirlpools.
Diplophobia- Fear of double vision.
Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking.
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Domatophobia or Oikophobia- Fear of houses or being in a house.
Doraphobia- Fear of fur or skins of animals.
Dromophobia- Fear of crossing streets.
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
Dysmorphophobia- Fear of deformity.
Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.
Ecclesiophobia- Fear of church.
Ecophobia- Fear of home.
Eicophobia or Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings.
Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.
Electrophobia- Fear of electricity.
Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom.
Elurophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia)
Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting.
Enetophobia- Fear of pins.
Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.
Enosiophobia or Enissophobia- Fear of having committed an unpardonable
sin or of criticism.
Entomophobia- Fear of insects.
Eosophobia- Fear of dawn or daylight.
Epistaxiophobia- Fear of nosebleeds.
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Equinophobia- Fear of horses.
Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.
Ereuthrophobia- Fear of blushing.
Ergasiophobia- 1) Fear of work or functioning. 2) Surgeon's fear of
operating.
Ergophobia- Fear of work.
Erotophobia- Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.
Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.
Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.
Erythrophobia, Erytophobia or Ereuthophobia- 1) Fear of redlights. 2)
Blushing. 3) Red.
Febriphobia, Fibriphobia or Fibriophobia- Fear of fever.
Felinophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia,
Gatophobia)
Francophobia- Fear of France, French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)
Frigophobia- Fear of cold, cold things.
Galeophobia or Gatophobia- Fear of cats.
Gallophobia or Galiophobia- Fear France, French culture. (Francophobia)
Gamophobia- Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter.
Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
Genophobia- Fear of sex.
Genuphobia- Fear of knees.
Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia, or Gephysrophobia- Fear of crossing
bridges.
Germanophobia- Fear of Germany, German culture, etc.
Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.
Gerontophobia- Fear of old people or of growing old.
Geumaphobia or Geumophobia- Fear of taste.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Graphophobia- Fear of writing or handwriting.
Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.
Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.
Hadephobia- Fear of hell.
Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.
Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.
Haphephobia or Haptephobia- Fear of being touched.
Harpaxophobia- Fear of being robbed.
Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.
Hellenologophobia- Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms.
Hemophobia or Hemaphobia or Hematophobia- Fear of blood.
Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia- Fear of challenges to official doctrine or
of radical deviation.
Herpetophobia- Fear of reptiles or creepy, crawly things.
Heterophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Sexophobia)
Hierophobia- Fear of priests or sacred things.
Hippophobia- Fear of horses.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
Hobophobia- Fear of bums or beggars.
Hodophobia- Fear of road travel.
Hormephobia- Fear of shock.
Homichlophobia- Fear of fog.
Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.
Hominophobia- Fear of men.
Homophobia- Fear of sameness, monotony or of homosexuality or of becoming
homosexual.
Hoplophobia- Fear of firearms.
Hydrargyophobia- Fear of mercurial medicines.
Hydrophobia- Fear of water or of rabies.
Hydrophobophobia- Fear of rabies.
Hyelophobia or Hyalophobia- Fear of glass.
Hygrophobia- Fear of liquids, dampness, or moisture.
Hylephobia- Fear of materialism OR the fear of epilepsy.
Hylophobia- Fear of forests.
Hypengyophobia or Hypegiaphobia- Fear of responsibility.
Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep or of being hypnotized.
Hypsiphobia- Fear of height.
Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.
Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish.
Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.
Illyngophobia- Fear of veritgo or feeling dizzy when looking down.
Iophobia- Fear of poison.
Insectophobia - Fear of insects.
Isolophobia- Fear of solitude, being alone.
Isopterophobia- Fear of termites, insects that eat wood.
Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect
penis.
Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.
Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.
Kainolophobia- Fear of novelty.
Kainophobia- Fear of anything new, novelty.
Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.
Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.
Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.
Kenophobia- Fear of voids or empty spaces.
Keraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
Kinetophobia or Kinesophobia- Fear of movement or motion.
Kleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
Koinoniphobia- Fear of rooms.
Kolpophobia- Fear of genitals, particularly female.
Kopophobia- Fear of fatigue.
Koniophobia- Fear of dust. (Amathophobia)
Kosmikophobia- Fear of cosmic phenomenon.
Kymophobia- Fear of waves.
Kynophobia- Fear of rabies.
Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping.
Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables.
Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.
Leprophobia or Lepraphobia- Fear of leprosy.
Leukophobia- Fear of the color white.
Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body.
Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises.
Lilapsophobia- Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
Limnophobia- Fear of lakes.
Linonophobia- Fear of string.
Liticaphobia- Fear of lawsuits.
Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers.
Logophobia- Fear of words.
Luiphobia- Fear of lues, syphillis.
Lutraphobia- Fear of otters.
Lygophobia- Fear of darkness.
Lyssophobia- Fear of rabies or of becoming mad.
Macrophobia- Fear of long waits.
Mageirocophobia- Fear of cooking.
Maieusiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
Malaxophobia- Fear of love play. (Sarmassophobia)
Maniaphobia- Fear of insanity.
Mastigophobia- Fear of punishment.
Mechanophobia- Fear of machines.
Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.
Medorthophobia- Fear of an erect penis.
Megalophobia- Fear of large things.
Melissophobia- Fear of bees.
Melanophobia- Fear of the color black.
Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music.
Meningitophobia- Fear of brain disease.
Menophobia- Fear of menstruation.
Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.
Metallophobia- Fear of metal.
Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.
Meteorophobia- Fear of meteors.
Methyphobia- Fear of alcohol.
Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.
Microbiophobia- Fear of microbes. (Bacillophobia)
Microphobia- Fear of small things.
Misophobia- Fear of being contaminated with dirt of germs.
Mnemophobia- Fear of memories.
Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination.
Monophobia- Fear of solitude or being alone.
Monopathophobia- Fear of definite disease.
Motorphobia- Fear of automobiles.
Mottephobia- Fear of moths.
Musophobia or Murophobia- Fear of mice.
Mycophobia- Fear or aversion to mushrooms.
Mycrophobia- Fear of small things.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.
Myrmecophobia- Fear of ants.
Mysophobia- Fear of germs or contamination or dirt.
Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements.
Myxophobia- Fear of slime. (Blennophobia)
Nebulaphobia- Fear of fog. (Homichlophobia)
Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things.
Negrophobia- Fear of Negros.
Nelophobia- Fear of glass.
Neopharmaphobia- Fear of new drugs.
Neophobia- Fear of anything new.
Nephophobia- Fear of clouds.
Noctiphobia- Fear of the night.
Nomatophobia- Fear of names.
Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals.
Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill.
Nostophobia- Fear of returning home.
Novercaphobia- Fear of your mother-in-law.
Nucleomituphobia- Fear of nuclear weapons.
Nudophobia- Fear of nudity.
Numerophobia- Fear of numbers.
Nyctohylophobia- Fear of dark wooded areas, of forests at night
Nyctophobia- Fear of the dark or of night.
Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.(Pocrescophobia)
Ochlophobia- Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ochophobia- Fear of vehicles.
Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.
Odontophobia- Fear of teeth or dental surgery.
Odynophobia or Odynephobia- Fear of pain. (Algophobia)
Oenophobia- Fear of wines.
Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings, house.
Olfactophobia- Fear of smells.
Ombrophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia- Fear of eyes.
Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams.
Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.
Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of names.
Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)
Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.
Optophobia- Fear of opening one's eyes.
Ornithophobia- Fear of birds.
Orthophobia- Fear of property.
Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia- Fear of smells or odors.
Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish.
Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.
Pagophobia- Fear of ice or frost.
Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.
Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything.
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.
Papyrophobia- Fear of paper.
Paralipophobia- Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.
Paraphobia- Fear of sexual perversion.
Parasitophobia- Fear of parasites.
Paraskavedekatriaphobia: Fear of Friday the 13th.
Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls.
Pathophobia- Fear of disease.
Patroiophobia- Fear of heredity.
Parturiphobia- Fear of childbirth.
Peccatophobia- Fear of sinning. (imaginary crime)
Pediculophobia- Fear of lice.
Pediophobia- Fear of dolls.
Pedophobia- Fear of children.
Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.
Pellagrophobia- Fear of pellagra.
Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)
Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
Phagophobia- Fear of swallowing or of eating or of being eaten.
Phalacrophobia- Fear of becoming bald.
Phallophobia- Fear of a penis, esp erect.
Pharmacophobia- Fear of taking medicine.
Phasmophobia- Fear of ghosts.
Phengophobia- Fear of daylight or sunshine.
Philemaphobia or Philematophobia- Fear of kissing.
Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love.
Philosophobia- Fear of philosophy.
Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
Photophobia- Fear of light.
Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.
Phthiriophobia- Fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)
Phthisiophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
Placophobia- Fear of tombstones.
Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.
Pluviophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
Pneumatiphobia- Fear of spirits.
Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia- Fear of choking of being smothered.
Pocrescophobia- Fear of gaining weight. (Obesophobia)
Pogonophobia- Fear of beards.
Poliosophobia- Fear of contracting poliomyelitis.
Politicophobia- Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.
Polyphobia- Fear of many things.
Poinephobia- Fear of punishment.
Ponophobia- Fear of overworking or of pain.
Potamophobia- Fear of rivers or running water.
Potophobia- Fear of alcohol.
Pharmacophobia- Fear of drugs.
Proctophobia- Fear of rectum.
Prosophobia- Fear of progress.
Psellismophobia- Fear of stuttering.
Psychophobia- Fear of mind.
Psychrophobia- Fear of cold.
Pteromerhanophobia- Fear of flying.
Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Pupaphobia - fear of puppets Pyrexiophobia- Fear of Fever.
Pyrophobia- Fear of fire.
Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays.
Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs.
Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
Rhabdophobia- Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of
being severely criticized. Also fear of magic.(wand)
Rhypophobia- Fear of defecation.
Rhytiphobia- Fear of getting wrinkles.
Rupophobia- Fear of dirt.
Russophobia- Fear of Russians.
Sarmassophobia- Fear of love play. (Malaxophobia)
Satanophobia- Fear of Satan.
Scabiophobia- Fear of scabies.
Scatophobia- Fear of fecal matter.
Scelerophibia- Fear of bad men, burglars.
Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows.
Scoleciphobia- Fear of worms.
Scolionophobia- Fear of school.
Scopophobia or Scoptophobia- Fear of being seen or stared at.
Scotomaphobia- Fear of blindness in visual field.
Scotophobia- Fear of darkness. (Achluophobia)
Scriptophobia- Fear of writing in public.
Selaphobia- Fear of light flashes.
Selenophobia- Fear of the moon.
Seplophobia- Fear of decaying matter.
Sesquipedalophobia- Fear of long words.
Sexophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Heterophobia)
Shamhainophobia: Fear of Halloween.
Siderodromophobia- Fear of trains, railroads or train travel.
Siderophobia- Fear of stars.
Sinistrophobia- Fear of things to the left, left-handed.
Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food or eating. (Cibophobia)
Snakephobia- Fear of snakes. (Ophidiophobia)
Soceraphobia- Fear of parents-in-law.
Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.
Sociophobia- Fear of society or people in general.
Somniphobia- Fear of sleep.
Sophophobia- Fear of learning.
Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others.
Spacephobia- Fear of outer space.
Spectrophobia- Fear of specters or ghosts.
Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs.
Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.
Stasibasiphobia or Stasiphobia- Fear of standing or walking.
(Ambulophobia)
Staurophobia- Fear of crosses or the crucifix.
Stenophobia- Fear of narrow things or places.
Stygiophobia or Stigiophobia- Fear of hell.
Suriphobia- Fear of mice.
Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism.
Symmetrophobia- Fear of symmetry.
Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.
Syphilophobia- Fear of syphilis.
Tachophobia- Fear of speed.
Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms.
Taphephobia Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.
Tapinophobia- Fear of being contagious.
Taurophobia- Fear of bulls.
Technophobia- Fear of technology.
Teleophobia- 1) Fear of definate plans. 2) Religious ceremony.
Telephonophobia- Fear of telephones.
Teratophobia- Fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or
deformed people.
Testophobia- Fear of taking tests.
Tetanophobia- Fear of lockjaw, tetanus.
Teutophobia- Fear of German or German things.
Textophobia- Fear of certain fabrics.
Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting.
Thalassophobia- Fear of the sea.
Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying.
Theatrophobia- Fear of theatres.
Theologicophobia- Fear of theology.
Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion.
Thermophobia- Fear of heat.
Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.
Tomophobia- Fear of surgical operations.
Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder.
Topophobia- Fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.
Toxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia- Fear of poison or of being
accidently poisoned.
Traumatophobia- Fear of injury.
Tremophobia- Fear of trembling.
Trichinophobia- Fear of trichinosis.
Trichopathophobia or Trichophobia or Hypertrichophobia- Fear of hair.
(Chaetophobia)
Triskadekaphobia- Fear of the number 13.
Tropophobia- Fear of moving or making changes.
Trypanophobia- Fear of injections.
Tuberculophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
Tyrannophobia- Fear of tyrants.
Uranophobia- Fear of heaven.
Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.
Vaccinophobia- Fear of vaccination.
Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Verbophobia- Fear of words.
Verminophobia- Fear of germs.
Vestiphobia- Fear of clothing.
Virginitiphobia- Fear of rape.
Vitricophobia- Fear of step-father.
Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.
Wicaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft.
Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.
Xenophobia- Fear of strangers or foreigners.
Xerophobia- Fear of dryness.
Xylophobia- 1) Fear of wooden objects. 2) Forests.
Zelophobia- Fear of jealousy.
Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.
Zoophobia- Fear of animals.
Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing.
Acarophobia- Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
Acerophobia- Fear of sourness.
Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Acousticophobia- Fear of noise.
Acrophobia- Fear of heights.
Aerophobia- Fear of drafts, air swallowing, or airbourne noxious substances.
Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places.
Aeronausiphobia- Fear of vomiting secondary to airsickness.
Agliophobia- Fear of pain.
Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places
like markets.
Agraphobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
Agrizoophobia- Fear of wild animals.
Agyrophobia- Fear of streets or crossing the street.
Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.
Albuminurophobia- Fear of kidney disease.
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
Algophobia- Fear of pain.
Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Altophobia- Fear of heights.
Amathophobia- Fear of dust.
Amaxophobia- Fear of riding in a car.
Ambulophobia- Fear of walking.
Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.
Amychophobia- Fear of scratches or being scratched.
Anablepobia- Fear of looking up.
Ancraophobia or Anemophobia- Fear of wind.
Androphobia- Fear of men.
Anemophobia- Fear of air drafts or wind.
Anginophobia- Fear of angina, choking or narrowness.
Anglophobia- Fear of England, English culture, etc.
Angrophobia - Fear of becoming angry.
Ankylophobia- Fear of immobility of a joint.
Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.
Antlophobia- Fear of floods.
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.
Aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched. (Haphephobia)
Apiphobia- Fear of bees.
Apotemnophobia- Fear of persons with amputations.
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the
mouth.
Arachnephobia or Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.
Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers.
Arrhenphobia- Fear of men.
Arsonphobia- Fear of fire.
Asthenophobia- Fear of fainting or weakness.
Astraphobia or Astrapophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
Astrophobia- Fear of stars and celestial space.
Asymmetriphobia- Fear of asymmetrical things.
Ataxiophobia- Fear of ataxia (muscular incoordination)
Ataxophobia- Fear of disorder or untidiness.
Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.
Atephobia- Fear of ruins.
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
Atomosophobia - Fear of atomic explosions.
Atychiphobia- Fear of failure.
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
Aurophobia- Fear of gold.
Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern lights.
Autodysomophobia- Fear of one that has a vile odor.
Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures,
wax statues - anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
Automysophobia- Fear of being dirty.
Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Aviophobia or Aviatophobia- Fear of flying.
Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes.
Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.
Ballistophobia- Fear of missles or bullets.
Bolshephobia- Fear of Bolsheviks.
Barophobia- Fear of gravity.
Basophobia or Basiphobia- Inability to stand. Fear of walking or falling.
Bathophobia- Fear of depth.
Batonophobia- Fear of plants.
Batophobia- Fear of heights or being close to high buildings.
Batrachophobia- Fear of amphibians, such as frogs, newts, salamanders,
etc.
Belonephobia- Fear of pins and needles. (Aichmophobia)
Bibliophobia- Fear of books.
Blennophobia- Fear of slime.
Bogyphobia- Fear of bogies or the bogeyman.
Bromidrosiphobia or Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells.
Brontophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
Bufonophobia- Fear of toads.
Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness.
Cainophobia or Cainotophobia- Fear of newness, novelty.
Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Cancerophobia- Fear of cancer.
Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer.
Cardiophobia- Fear of the heart.
Carnophobia- Fear of meat.
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed.
Catapedaphobia- Fear of jumping from high and low places.
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.
Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors.
Cenophobia or Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas.
Ceraunophobia- Fear of thunder.
Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.
Cheimaphobia or Cheimatophobia- Fear of cold.
Chemophobia- Fear of chemicals or working with chemicals.
Cherophobia- Fear of gaiety.
Chionophobia- Fear of snow.
Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.
Cholerophobia- Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.
Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.
Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia- Fear of money.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors.
Chronophobia- Fear of time.
Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks.
Cibophobia or Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food.
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.
Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia- Fear of being locked in an enclosed
place.
Cleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
Climacophobia- Fear of stairs, climbing or of falling downstairs.
Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.
Clithrophobia or Cleithrophobia- Fear of being enclosed.
Cnidophobia- Fear of strings.
Cometophobia- Fear of comets.
Coimetrophobia- Fear of cemeteries.
Coitophobia- Fear of coitus.
Contreltophobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.
Coprophobia- Fear of feces.
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
Counterphobia- The preference by a phobic for fearful situations.
Cremnophobia- Fear of precipices.
Cryophobia- Fear of extreme cold, ice or frost.
Crystallophobia- Fear of crystals or glass.
Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer.
Cyclophobia- Fear of bicycles.
Cymophobia- Fear of waves or wave like motions.
Cynophobia- Fear of dogs or rabies.
Cypridophobia, Cypriphobia, Cyprianophobia, or Cyprinophobia - Fear of
prostitutes or venereal disease.
Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.
Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements.
Deipnophobia- Fear of dining and dinner conversations.
Dementophobia- Fear of insanity.
Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons.
Demophobia- Fear of crowds. (Agoraphobia)
Dendrophobia- Fear of trees.
Dentophobia- Fear of dentists.
Dermatophobia- Fear of skin lesions.
Dermatosiophobia or Dermatophobia or Dermatopathophobia- Fear of skin
disease.
Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Diabetophobia- Fear of diabetes.
Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school.
Dikephobia- Fear of justice.
Dinophobia- Fear of dizziness or whirlpools.
Diplophobia- Fear of double vision.
Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking.
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Domatophobia or Oikophobia- Fear of houses or being in a house.
Doraphobia- Fear of fur or skins of animals.
Dromophobia- Fear of crossing streets.
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
Dysmorphophobia- Fear of deformity.
Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.
Ecclesiophobia- Fear of church.
Ecophobia- Fear of home.
Eicophobia or Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings.
Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.
Electrophobia- Fear of electricity.
Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom.
Elurophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia)
Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting.
Enetophobia- Fear of pins.
Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.
Enosiophobia or Enissophobia- Fear of having committed an unpardonable
sin or of criticism.
Entomophobia- Fear of insects.
Eosophobia- Fear of dawn or daylight.
Epistaxiophobia- Fear of nosebleeds.
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Equinophobia- Fear of horses.
Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.
Ereuthrophobia- Fear of blushing.
Ergasiophobia- 1) Fear of work or functioning. 2) Surgeon's fear of
operating.
Ergophobia- Fear of work.
Erotophobia- Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.
Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.
Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.
Erythrophobia, Erytophobia or Ereuthophobia- 1) Fear of redlights. 2)
Blushing. 3) Red.
Febriphobia, Fibriphobia or Fibriophobia- Fear of fever.
Felinophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia,
Gatophobia)
Francophobia- Fear of France, French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)
Frigophobia- Fear of cold, cold things.
Galeophobia or Gatophobia- Fear of cats.
Gallophobia or Galiophobia- Fear France, French culture. (Francophobia)
Gamophobia- Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter.
Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
Genophobia- Fear of sex.
Genuphobia- Fear of knees.
Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia, or Gephysrophobia- Fear of crossing
bridges.
Germanophobia- Fear of Germany, German culture, etc.
Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.
Gerontophobia- Fear of old people or of growing old.
Geumaphobia or Geumophobia- Fear of taste.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Graphophobia- Fear of writing or handwriting.
Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.
Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.
Hadephobia- Fear of hell.
Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.
Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.
Haphephobia or Haptephobia- Fear of being touched.
Harpaxophobia- Fear of being robbed.
Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.
Hellenologophobia- Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms.
Hemophobia or Hemaphobia or Hematophobia- Fear of blood.
Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia- Fear of challenges to official doctrine or
of radical deviation.
Herpetophobia- Fear of reptiles or creepy, crawly things.
Heterophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Sexophobia)
Hierophobia- Fear of priests or sacred things.
Hippophobia- Fear of horses.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
Hobophobia- Fear of bums or beggars.
Hodophobia- Fear of road travel.
Hormephobia- Fear of shock.
Homichlophobia- Fear of fog.
Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.
Hominophobia- Fear of men.
Homophobia- Fear of sameness, monotony or of homosexuality or of becoming
homosexual.
Hoplophobia- Fear of firearms.
Hydrargyophobia- Fear of mercurial medicines.
Hydrophobia- Fear of water or of rabies.
Hydrophobophobia- Fear of rabies.
Hyelophobia or Hyalophobia- Fear of glass.
Hygrophobia- Fear of liquids, dampness, or moisture.
Hylephobia- Fear of materialism OR the fear of epilepsy.
Hylophobia- Fear of forests.
Hypengyophobia or Hypegiaphobia- Fear of responsibility.
Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep or of being hypnotized.
Hypsiphobia- Fear of height.
Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.
Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish.
Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.
Illyngophobia- Fear of veritgo or feeling dizzy when looking down.
Iophobia- Fear of poison.
Insectophobia - Fear of insects.
Isolophobia- Fear of solitude, being alone.
Isopterophobia- Fear of termites, insects that eat wood.
Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect
penis.
Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.
Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.
Kainolophobia- Fear of novelty.
Kainophobia- Fear of anything new, novelty.
Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.
Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.
Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.
Kenophobia- Fear of voids or empty spaces.
Keraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
Kinetophobia or Kinesophobia- Fear of movement or motion.
Kleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
Koinoniphobia- Fear of rooms.
Kolpophobia- Fear of genitals, particularly female.
Kopophobia- Fear of fatigue.
Koniophobia- Fear of dust. (Amathophobia)
Kosmikophobia- Fear of cosmic phenomenon.
Kymophobia- Fear of waves.
Kynophobia- Fear of rabies.
Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping.
Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables.
Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.
Leprophobia or Lepraphobia- Fear of leprosy.
Leukophobia- Fear of the color white.
Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body.
Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises.
Lilapsophobia- Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
Limnophobia- Fear of lakes.
Linonophobia- Fear of string.
Liticaphobia- Fear of lawsuits.
Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers.
Logophobia- Fear of words.
Luiphobia- Fear of lues, syphillis.
Lutraphobia- Fear of otters.
Lygophobia- Fear of darkness.
Lyssophobia- Fear of rabies or of becoming mad.
Macrophobia- Fear of long waits.
Mageirocophobia- Fear of cooking.
Maieusiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
Malaxophobia- Fear of love play. (Sarmassophobia)
Maniaphobia- Fear of insanity.
Mastigophobia- Fear of punishment.
Mechanophobia- Fear of machines.
Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.
Medorthophobia- Fear of an erect penis.
Megalophobia- Fear of large things.
Melissophobia- Fear of bees.
Melanophobia- Fear of the color black.
Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music.
Meningitophobia- Fear of brain disease.
Menophobia- Fear of menstruation.
Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.
Metallophobia- Fear of metal.
Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.
Meteorophobia- Fear of meteors.
Methyphobia- Fear of alcohol.
Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.
Microbiophobia- Fear of microbes. (Bacillophobia)
Microphobia- Fear of small things.
Misophobia- Fear of being contaminated with dirt of germs.
Mnemophobia- Fear of memories.
Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination.
Monophobia- Fear of solitude or being alone.
Monopathophobia- Fear of definite disease.
Motorphobia- Fear of automobiles.
Mottephobia- Fear of moths.
Musophobia or Murophobia- Fear of mice.
Mycophobia- Fear or aversion to mushrooms.
Mycrophobia- Fear of small things.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.
Myrmecophobia- Fear of ants.
Mysophobia- Fear of germs or contamination or dirt.
Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements.
Myxophobia- Fear of slime. (Blennophobia)
Nebulaphobia- Fear of fog. (Homichlophobia)
Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things.
Negrophobia- Fear of Negros.
Nelophobia- Fear of glass.
Neopharmaphobia- Fear of new drugs.
Neophobia- Fear of anything new.
Nephophobia- Fear of clouds.
Noctiphobia- Fear of the night.
Nomatophobia- Fear of names.
Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals.
Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill.
Nostophobia- Fear of returning home.
Novercaphobia- Fear of your mother-in-law.
Nucleomituphobia- Fear of nuclear weapons.
Nudophobia- Fear of nudity.
Numerophobia- Fear of numbers.
Nyctohylophobia- Fear of dark wooded areas, of forests at night
Nyctophobia- Fear of the dark or of night.
Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.(Pocrescophobia)
Ochlophobia- Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ochophobia- Fear of vehicles.
Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.
Odontophobia- Fear of teeth or dental surgery.
Odynophobia or Odynephobia- Fear of pain. (Algophobia)
Oenophobia- Fear of wines.
Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings, house.
Olfactophobia- Fear of smells.
Ombrophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia- Fear of eyes.
Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams.
Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.
Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of names.
Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)
Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.
Optophobia- Fear of opening one's eyes.
Ornithophobia- Fear of birds.
Orthophobia- Fear of property.
Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia- Fear of smells or odors.
Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish.
Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.
Pagophobia- Fear of ice or frost.
Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.
Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything.
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.
Papyrophobia- Fear of paper.
Paralipophobia- Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.
Paraphobia- Fear of sexual perversion.
Parasitophobia- Fear of parasites.
Paraskavedekatriaphobia: Fear of Friday the 13th.
Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls.
Pathophobia- Fear of disease.
Patroiophobia- Fear of heredity.
Parturiphobia- Fear of childbirth.
Peccatophobia- Fear of sinning. (imaginary crime)
Pediculophobia- Fear of lice.
Pediophobia- Fear of dolls.
Pedophobia- Fear of children.
Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.
Pellagrophobia- Fear of pellagra.
Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)
Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
Phagophobia- Fear of swallowing or of eating or of being eaten.
Phalacrophobia- Fear of becoming bald.
Phallophobia- Fear of a penis, esp erect.
Pharmacophobia- Fear of taking medicine.
Phasmophobia- Fear of ghosts.
Phengophobia- Fear of daylight or sunshine.
Philemaphobia or Philematophobia- Fear of kissing.
Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love.
Philosophobia- Fear of philosophy.
Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
Photophobia- Fear of light.
Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.
Phthiriophobia- Fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)
Phthisiophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
Placophobia- Fear of tombstones.
Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.
Pluviophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
Pneumatiphobia- Fear of spirits.
Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia- Fear of choking of being smothered.
Pocrescophobia- Fear of gaining weight. (Obesophobia)
Pogonophobia- Fear of beards.
Poliosophobia- Fear of contracting poliomyelitis.
Politicophobia- Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.
Polyphobia- Fear of many things.
Poinephobia- Fear of punishment.
Ponophobia- Fear of overworking or of pain.
Potamophobia- Fear of rivers or running water.
Potophobia- Fear of alcohol.
Pharmacophobia- Fear of drugs.
Proctophobia- Fear of rectum.
Prosophobia- Fear of progress.
Psellismophobia- Fear of stuttering.
Psychophobia- Fear of mind.
Psychrophobia- Fear of cold.
Pteromerhanophobia- Fear of flying.
Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Pupaphobia - fear of puppets Pyrexiophobia- Fear of Fever.
Pyrophobia- Fear of fire.
Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays.
Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs.
Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
Rhabdophobia- Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of
being severely criticized. Also fear of magic.(wand)
Rhypophobia- Fear of defecation.
Rhytiphobia- Fear of getting wrinkles.
Rupophobia- Fear of dirt.
Russophobia- Fear of Russians.
Sarmassophobia- Fear of love play. (Malaxophobia)
Satanophobia- Fear of Satan.
Scabiophobia- Fear of scabies.
Scatophobia- Fear of fecal matter.
Scelerophibia- Fear of bad men, burglars.
Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows.
Scoleciphobia- Fear of worms.
Scolionophobia- Fear of school.
Scopophobia or Scoptophobia- Fear of being seen or stared at.
Scotomaphobia- Fear of blindness in visual field.
Scotophobia- Fear of darkness. (Achluophobia)
Scriptophobia- Fear of writing in public.
Selaphobia- Fear of light flashes.
Selenophobia- Fear of the moon.
Seplophobia- Fear of decaying matter.
Sesquipedalophobia- Fear of long words.
Sexophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Heterophobia)
Shamhainophobia: Fear of Halloween.
Siderodromophobia- Fear of trains, railroads or train travel.
Siderophobia- Fear of stars.
Sinistrophobia- Fear of things to the left, left-handed.
Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food or eating. (Cibophobia)
Snakephobia- Fear of snakes. (Ophidiophobia)
Soceraphobia- Fear of parents-in-law.
Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.
Sociophobia- Fear of society or people in general.
Somniphobia- Fear of sleep.
Sophophobia- Fear of learning.
Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others.
Spacephobia- Fear of outer space.
Spectrophobia- Fear of specters or ghosts.
Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs.
Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.
Stasibasiphobia or Stasiphobia- Fear of standing or walking.
(Ambulophobia)
Staurophobia- Fear of crosses or the crucifix.
Stenophobia- Fear of narrow things or places.
Stygiophobia or Stigiophobia- Fear of hell.
Suriphobia- Fear of mice.
Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism.
Symmetrophobia- Fear of symmetry.
Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.
Syphilophobia- Fear of syphilis.
Tachophobia- Fear of speed.
Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms.
Taphephobia Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.
Tapinophobia- Fear of being contagious.
Taurophobia- Fear of bulls.
Technophobia- Fear of technology.
Teleophobia- 1) Fear of definate plans. 2) Religious ceremony.
Telephonophobia- Fear of telephones.
Teratophobia- Fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or
deformed people.
Testophobia- Fear of taking tests.
Tetanophobia- Fear of lockjaw, tetanus.
Teutophobia- Fear of German or German things.
Textophobia- Fear of certain fabrics.
Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting.
Thalassophobia- Fear of the sea.
Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying.
Theatrophobia- Fear of theatres.
Theologicophobia- Fear of theology.
Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion.
Thermophobia- Fear of heat.
Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.
Tomophobia- Fear of surgical operations.
Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder.
Topophobia- Fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.
Toxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia- Fear of poison or of being
accidently poisoned.
Traumatophobia- Fear of injury.
Tremophobia- Fear of trembling.
Trichinophobia- Fear of trichinosis.
Trichopathophobia or Trichophobia or Hypertrichophobia- Fear of hair.
(Chaetophobia)
Triskadekaphobia- Fear of the number 13.
Tropophobia- Fear of moving or making changes.
Trypanophobia- Fear of injections.
Tuberculophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
Tyrannophobia- Fear of tyrants.
Uranophobia- Fear of heaven.
Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.
Vaccinophobia- Fear of vaccination.
Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Verbophobia- Fear of words.
Verminophobia- Fear of germs.
Vestiphobia- Fear of clothing.
Virginitiphobia- Fear of rape.
Vitricophobia- Fear of step-father.
Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.
Wicaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft.
Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.
Xenophobia- Fear of strangers or foreigners.
Xerophobia- Fear of dryness.
Xylophobia- 1) Fear of wooden objects. 2) Forests.
Zelophobia- Fear of jealousy.
Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.
Zoophobia- Fear of animals.
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was
softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said
the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said
the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
A Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over
a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy
world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to
die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter
to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did
anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter
from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but
I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over
a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy
world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to
die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter
to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did
anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter
from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but
I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
Psych Discussion
From the Metropolitan Diary section of THE NEW YORK TIMES 10/5/98
It was a reception marking the end of hte academic year for graduating
psychiatry residents. A man whose wife was one of the graduates was left
on his own for a short time. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, was
surrounded by what he called a sophisticated group of well-known
professors, residents, spouses andother members of the psychaitric
community. He was amused and impressed at the exchange he overheard
between two of the professors:
Prof #1: "I want to apologize to you."
Prof #2: "Oh really? For what?"
Prof #1: "Well, over the past six months or so, I fell that I've been rather
short with you. I haven't been supportive of your work and I don't think
that I've treated you with the respect that you deserve. But I just wanted
you to know that this has nothing to do with you. I've been having some
personal problems and I never meant to bring these problems to work."
Prof #2: "Oh no, no, no. Don't be silly. It's an honor to be the object
of your transference."
From the Metropolitan Diary section of THE NEW YORK TIMES 10/5/98
It was a reception marking the end of hte academic year for graduating
psychiatry residents. A man whose wife was one of the graduates was left
on his own for a short time. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, was
surrounded by what he called a sophisticated group of well-known
professors, residents, spouses andother members of the psychaitric
community. He was amused and impressed at the exchange he overheard
between two of the professors:
Prof #1: "I want to apologize to you."
Prof #2: "Oh really? For what?"
Prof #1: "Well, over the past six months or so, I fell that I've been rather
short with you. I haven't been supportive of your work and I don't think
that I've treated you with the respect that you deserve. But I just wanted
you to know that this has nothing to do with you. I've been having some
personal problems and I never meant to bring these problems to work."
Prof #2: "Oh no, no, no. Don't be silly. It's an honor to be the object
of your transference."
Psychiatric Medicine
Psychiatrist to patient: "We've made great strides in your case Mr.
Blumberg. Originally it was thought that phobias such as this were a
result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now we've progressed to
the point where we don't know what causes it."
Psychiatrist to patient: "We've made great strides in your case Mr.
Blumberg. Originally it was thought that phobias such as this were a
result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now we've progressed to
the point where we don't know what causes it."
The Doctor is in the House
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his
psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed
that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very
disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back
to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and
then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my
appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this
strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding,
"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his
psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed
that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very
disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back
to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and
then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my
appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this
strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding,
"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"
Psychological Tests
A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some
tests. The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does this make
you think of?"
"Sex."
The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question.
"Sex," the patient answers again.
The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts... a
house, a car, an apple, and so on... each time getting the same
response. Sex, sex, and sex. Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have
an obsession with sex."
The patient says, "Me? You're the one who's drawing all those dirty
pictures!"
A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some
tests. The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does this make
you think of?"
"Sex."
The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question.
"Sex," the patient answers again.
The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts... a
house, a car, an apple, and so on... each time getting the same
response. Sex, sex, and sex. Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have
an obsession with sex."
The patient says, "Me? You're the one who's drawing all those dirty
pictures!"
Psychotherapist Business Troubles
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he
started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford
to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he
told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above
his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to
slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away
from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided
to check it out himself. Then he understood why !
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word
into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he
started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford
to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he
told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above
his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to
slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away
from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided
to check it out himself. Then he understood why !
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word
into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
Real Excuses
Have you exhausted the excuses for taking a day off? Are all your
grannies dead? Does the boss no longer believe the one about the
crippled aunt who keeps falling over?
Well, then, try these! They're not *excuses*, they're *real*!
AIR CONTROLLERS SYNDROME: Peptic ulcers occurring among air traffic
controllers, as a result of job stress. {Illinois Medical Journal,
1972}
ALOPECIA WALKMANIA: Loss of hair from prolonged use of personal
stereo headphones. {Journal of the American Medical Association,
1984}
ANCHORMAN GLAZE: Glazed-eye look of TV anchorman caused by looking at
the teleprompter through glaring camera lights.
{Syracuse, New York, TV station, 1960}
ARTIC TEMPER: Extreme irritability developing amongst arctic
explorers exposed to darkness, monotony, isolation and sensory
depravation.
{Lancet, 1910}
BEER DRINKERS FINGER: Swelling, bluish discoloration and wasting of
finger caused by placing pop-top beer can rings on finger. {JAMA,
68}
BINGO BRAIN: The headache associated with carbon monoxide
intoxication which occurs after spending long hours in smoke filled
bingo halls. {Canadian Medical Association, 1982}
BIRDWATCHERS TWITCH: The nervous excitement of spotting a species for
the first time. {New Scientist, 1982}
BODY BUILDERS PSYCHOSIS: Psychotic episodes associated with the use
of anabolic steroids; causing hallucinations, paranoid delusions,
grandiose beliefs and manic-depressive symptoms. {Lancet, 1987}
BOOKSELLERS BENDS: Sickness caused by changes in atmospheric pressure
as the book the customer wants is always on the top shelf. {?}
CASINO FEET: Soreness of the feet caused by standing in front of slot
machines for long periods of time. {Wilmington Morning Star, 1981}
CHICKEN NECK WRINGERS FINGER: Partial dislocation and arthritis of
middle finger joint from continued use of this finger to dislocate
chicken necks for slaughtering. {BMA Journal, 1955}
CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION: Psychological stress during holidays related to
the use of alcohol and social pressures. {JAMA, 1982}
CREDIT-CARD-ITIS: Pain over the rear and down thigh due to pressure
on nerve from a wallet stuffed with credit cards.
{New England Medical Journal, 1966}
DISCO DIGIT: A sore finger from snapping fingers while dancing.
{New England Medical Journal}
DOG WALKERS ELBOW: Pain caused by constant tension and tugs from a
dog leash. {New England Medical Journal, 1979}
ELECTRONIC SPACE-WAR VIDEO-GAME EPILEPSY: Epilepsy caused by the
flashing lights of electronic video games. {BMA Journal, 1982}
ESPRESSO WRIST: Pain in espresso coffee machine operators from strong
wrist motions required to make the coffee. {JAMA, 1956}
FLIP-FLOP DERMATITIS: Skin disease on feet from wearing rubber flip-
flops. {BMA Journal, 1965}
FRISBEE FINGER: Cutting of finger from strenuous throwing of a
frisbee. {New England Medical Journal, 1975}
GOLF ARM: Shoulder and elbow pain after too many rounds of golf.
{BMA Journal, 1896}
HOOKERS ELBOW: Painful shoulder swelling suffered by fishermen
repeatedly jerking upwards on a fishing line. {New England Medical
Journal, 1981}
HOUSWIFITIS: Nervous symptoms related to spending too much time
managing a busy household. {Centrescope, 1976}
HUMPERS LUMP: Swelling suffered by hotel porters from lugging heavy
bags. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}
ICE-CREAM FROSTBITE: Frostbite on the lips from prolonged contact
with ice-cream. {New England Medical Journal, 1982}
JAZZ BALLET BOTTOM: Painful abscesses suffered by dancers who
frequently spin on their bottoms. {Daily Telegraph, 1987}
JEANS FOLLICULITIS: Irritation of the hair follicles from the waist
down to the knees caused by ultra-tight jeans.
{New England Medical Journal, 1981}
JOYSTICK DIGIT: Trigger finger pain following prolonged use of video
game joysticks. {JAMA, 1987}
KNIFE SHARPENERS CRAMP: Painful hand swelling from sharpening too
many knives. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}
LABEL LICKERS TONGUE: Ulcers in mouth from sensitivity to sticky
labels. {Dangerous Trades, 1902}
MONEY COUNTERS CRAMP: Painful seizure of muscles from counting too
much cash. {English University Press, 1975}
MOTORWAY BLUES: The sort of headaches noted by drivers on congested
motorways. {BMA Journal, 1963}
NUNS KNEE: Swelling of kneecap from repeated kneeling in prayer.
{Diseases of Occupations, 1975}
OYSTER SHUCKERS KERATITIS: Eye irritation from contact with fragments
of oyster shells. {BMA Journal, 1896}
PANTIE GIRDLE SYNDROME: Tingling or swelling of feet from wearing a
too-tight pantie girdle. {BMA Journal, 1972}
PLAYERS LIVER: The hazard of spending too long in the bar instead of
playing the game. {Encyclopedia of Sports, 1971}
QUICK-DRAW LEG: Bullet wound in leg from practicing fast draw from
gun in belt holster. {JAMA, 1966}
REFLEX HORN SYNDROME: Tendency for drivers waiting in traffic jams to
toot horns. {New England Medical Journal, 1976}
RETIRED HUSBAND SYNDROME: Tension, headaches, depression and anxiety
felt by women whose husbands have just retired. {Western Journal of
Medicine, 1984}
SEAMSTRESSES BOTTOM: Hardening of skin following long-term trauma of
rocking on the hips while operating a sewing machine. {American
Family Physician, 1979}
SICK SANTAS SYNDROME: Low back pain from lifting heavy children and
parcels and acquired illnesses from multiple contact with kids.
{JAMA, 1986}
TELEVISION LEGS: Loss of normal flexibility of the legs from being
slumped
in a chair in front of the box for too long. {JAMA, 1958}
TOILET SEAT DERMATITIS: Skin irritation on rear from spending too
much time on the toilet. {Archive of Dermatology, 1933}
UNIFORM RASH: Skin irritation of neck, chest and arms from wearing
new uniforms. {BMJ, 1973}
VOLKSWAGEN DERMATITIS: Allergic skin reaction caused by rubber bumper
guards. {Archive of Dermatology, 1971}
WORKING WIFE SYNDROME: Fatigue, irritability, headaches and
diminished sex drive from strain of doing two jobs. {Lancet, 1966}
YOGA FOOT DROP: Paralysis of foot due to compounded pressure from
practicing Yoga positions. {JAMA, 1971}
Have you exhausted the excuses for taking a day off? Are all your
grannies dead? Does the boss no longer believe the one about the
crippled aunt who keeps falling over?
Well, then, try these! They're not *excuses*, they're *real*!
AIR CONTROLLERS SYNDROME: Peptic ulcers occurring among air traffic
controllers, as a result of job stress. {Illinois Medical Journal,
1972}
ALOPECIA WALKMANIA: Loss of hair from prolonged use of personal
stereo headphones. {Journal of the American Medical Association,
1984}
ANCHORMAN GLAZE: Glazed-eye look of TV anchorman caused by looking at
the teleprompter through glaring camera lights.
{Syracuse, New York, TV station, 1960}
ARTIC TEMPER: Extreme irritability developing amongst arctic
explorers exposed to darkness, monotony, isolation and sensory
depravation.
{Lancet, 1910}
BEER DRINKERS FINGER: Swelling, bluish discoloration and wasting of
finger caused by placing pop-top beer can rings on finger. {JAMA,
68}
BINGO BRAIN: The headache associated with carbon monoxide
intoxication which occurs after spending long hours in smoke filled
bingo halls. {Canadian Medical Association, 1982}
BIRDWATCHERS TWITCH: The nervous excitement of spotting a species for
the first time. {New Scientist, 1982}
BODY BUILDERS PSYCHOSIS: Psychotic episodes associated with the use
of anabolic steroids; causing hallucinations, paranoid delusions,
grandiose beliefs and manic-depressive symptoms. {Lancet, 1987}
BOOKSELLERS BENDS: Sickness caused by changes in atmospheric pressure
as the book the customer wants is always on the top shelf. {?}
CASINO FEET: Soreness of the feet caused by standing in front of slot
machines for long periods of time. {Wilmington Morning Star, 1981}
CHICKEN NECK WRINGERS FINGER: Partial dislocation and arthritis of
middle finger joint from continued use of this finger to dislocate
chicken necks for slaughtering. {BMA Journal, 1955}
CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION: Psychological stress during holidays related to
the use of alcohol and social pressures. {JAMA, 1982}
CREDIT-CARD-ITIS: Pain over the rear and down thigh due to pressure
on nerve from a wallet stuffed with credit cards.
{New England Medical Journal, 1966}
DISCO DIGIT: A sore finger from snapping fingers while dancing.
{New England Medical Journal}
DOG WALKERS ELBOW: Pain caused by constant tension and tugs from a
dog leash. {New England Medical Journal, 1979}
ELECTRONIC SPACE-WAR VIDEO-GAME EPILEPSY: Epilepsy caused by the
flashing lights of electronic video games. {BMA Journal, 1982}
ESPRESSO WRIST: Pain in espresso coffee machine operators from strong
wrist motions required to make the coffee. {JAMA, 1956}
FLIP-FLOP DERMATITIS: Skin disease on feet from wearing rubber flip-
flops. {BMA Journal, 1965}
FRISBEE FINGER: Cutting of finger from strenuous throwing of a
frisbee. {New England Medical Journal, 1975}
GOLF ARM: Shoulder and elbow pain after too many rounds of golf.
{BMA Journal, 1896}
HOOKERS ELBOW: Painful shoulder swelling suffered by fishermen
repeatedly jerking upwards on a fishing line. {New England Medical
Journal, 1981}
HOUSWIFITIS: Nervous symptoms related to spending too much time
managing a busy household. {Centrescope, 1976}
HUMPERS LUMP: Swelling suffered by hotel porters from lugging heavy
bags. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}
ICE-CREAM FROSTBITE: Frostbite on the lips from prolonged contact
with ice-cream. {New England Medical Journal, 1982}
JAZZ BALLET BOTTOM: Painful abscesses suffered by dancers who
frequently spin on their bottoms. {Daily Telegraph, 1987}
JEANS FOLLICULITIS: Irritation of the hair follicles from the waist
down to the knees caused by ultra-tight jeans.
{New England Medical Journal, 1981}
JOYSTICK DIGIT: Trigger finger pain following prolonged use of video
game joysticks. {JAMA, 1987}
KNIFE SHARPENERS CRAMP: Painful hand swelling from sharpening too
many knives. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}
LABEL LICKERS TONGUE: Ulcers in mouth from sensitivity to sticky
labels. {Dangerous Trades, 1902}
MONEY COUNTERS CRAMP: Painful seizure of muscles from counting too
much cash. {English University Press, 1975}
MOTORWAY BLUES: The sort of headaches noted by drivers on congested
motorways. {BMA Journal, 1963}
NUNS KNEE: Swelling of kneecap from repeated kneeling in prayer.
{Diseases of Occupations, 1975}
OYSTER SHUCKERS KERATITIS: Eye irritation from contact with fragments
of oyster shells. {BMA Journal, 1896}
PANTIE GIRDLE SYNDROME: Tingling or swelling of feet from wearing a
too-tight pantie girdle. {BMA Journal, 1972}
PLAYERS LIVER: The hazard of spending too long in the bar instead of
playing the game. {Encyclopedia of Sports, 1971}
QUICK-DRAW LEG: Bullet wound in leg from practicing fast draw from
gun in belt holster. {JAMA, 1966}
REFLEX HORN SYNDROME: Tendency for drivers waiting in traffic jams to
toot horns. {New England Medical Journal, 1976}
RETIRED HUSBAND SYNDROME: Tension, headaches, depression and anxiety
felt by women whose husbands have just retired. {Western Journal of
Medicine, 1984}
SEAMSTRESSES BOTTOM: Hardening of skin following long-term trauma of
rocking on the hips while operating a sewing machine. {American
Family Physician, 1979}
SICK SANTAS SYNDROME: Low back pain from lifting heavy children and
parcels and acquired illnesses from multiple contact with kids.
{JAMA, 1986}
TELEVISION LEGS: Loss of normal flexibility of the legs from being
slumped
in a chair in front of the box for too long. {JAMA, 1958}
TOILET SEAT DERMATITIS: Skin irritation on rear from spending too
much time on the toilet. {Archive of Dermatology, 1933}
UNIFORM RASH: Skin irritation of neck, chest and arms from wearing
new uniforms. {BMJ, 1973}
VOLKSWAGEN DERMATITIS: Allergic skin reaction caused by rubber bumper
guards. {Archive of Dermatology, 1971}
WORKING WIFE SYNDROME: Fatigue, irritability, headaches and
diminished sex drive from strain of doing two jobs. {Lancet, 1966}
YOGA FOOT DROP: Paralysis of foot due to compounded pressure from
practicing Yoga positions. {JAMA, 1971}
The Pediatrician
By Jim Rosenberg
When one of the boys gets sick, it affects our whole family.
With David and Jacob, we have each end of the bipolar sickness mood
line. Allow me to use the dog analogy, first explained by me to Barbara
at 3 in the morning while David uncorked a fabulous night of whine
tasting. David is the classic "Big Mopey Dog" -- he gets all tired,
feverish, and pathetic. He just wants to be held and occasionally
whimper. This is sad, but not too sad. Barbara has always had the "80%
Theory" about David: he would be perfect if he were 80% of what he is
now. I don't like to ask her too much about the theory, because I
believe it extends to other, adult people living in the house, some of
whom may be typing this right now. Jacob is the "Little Yappy Dog" --
he squirms and squawks and lures you right up close to him so he can
issue the "Begin Spewing" command -- or at least open his bottomless
mucous spigot and drain it onto your suit jacket.
I often take the boys to the pediatrician, which is a stressful
experience. First, David can be counted on to mother me. Despite our
almost genderless family structure, David is deeply suspicious of my
nurturing ability, and keeps mental track of my failures in this
department. "Daddy," he begins. "Don't forget to take the checkbook.
Last time, you didn't take the checkbook. Last time, that frowny-face
lady said you owed money. Last time, you said you'd remember the
checkbook..." Okay, okay! I'll remember the checkbook, now get off my
back you three year old nag!"
I am typically the only man at the place, except for parents who are
obviously on their first visit with a newborn -- before the men have had
time to come up with the really good excuses ("Must hunt food. Must
kill beast."). When I open the door to the waiting room, the women look
up and gasp as if it's Elvis.
I cannot let it bother me, because my mind is 100% occupied with the
instructions Barbara gave me. She, and only she, knows *exactly* what
to tell the Doctor in order to get the medicine. This information is so
complicated I've got to keep repeating it to myself so I don't forget
(mucous green, fever for at least four days, poor appetite; mucous
green, fever for...). If I mess up, I've got to grab a Doctor, hold my
mechanical pencil up to his throat, and shout to the whole office:
"Okay, everybody chill. Just give me the pink antibiotic stuff and
nobody gets hurt. That's right, nice and easy."
When David is being examined, he lets up on lecturing me and starts
bossing around the Doctor for a bit. "You forgot to look in my ears to
see if they're pink," he says -- barely hiding his disgust. I enjoy the
break, and usually get a sympathetic look from the Doctor. Jacob, on
the other hand, screams from check in to check out at the top of his
lungs. When he is actually being examined, he hits a Minnie
Ripperton-like high note which shatters the glass covering the Doctor's
diploma. Then, he looks at me as if I've sold him out.
I love the boys' pediatrician. He is an older doctor who I like to call
"Metaphor Man." He has long since abandoned the awkward jargon of most
physicians, and replaced it with a mind-blowing repertoire of metaphors
for every possible sickness. I can't wait to get to the end of the
visit so he can let me have it, in all it's vivid glory: "Mr.
Rosenberg, David's cold here is like a train. We could try to run next
to it as fast as we can, but all that would do is get us tired.
Instead, we could let it run its course and guide it as best we can in
the right direction." I have a weakness for this sort of stuff, and
this guy is an absolute master. Every time I leave the office, I
rededicate myself to becoming a more colorful writer.
The problem is, when I get home Barbara asks me "what did the Doctor
say?" My answer is usually "don't run next to a train." This doesn't
sit well with the Mrs., who doesn't appreciate metaphors the way I do,
and simply wants Jacob to stop retching on her navy blue wool blazer.
I'm getting better at the sick thing, but I know I've still got a long
way to go.
By Jim Rosenberg
When one of the boys gets sick, it affects our whole family.
With David and Jacob, we have each end of the bipolar sickness mood
line. Allow me to use the dog analogy, first explained by me to Barbara
at 3 in the morning while David uncorked a fabulous night of whine
tasting. David is the classic "Big Mopey Dog" -- he gets all tired,
feverish, and pathetic. He just wants to be held and occasionally
whimper. This is sad, but not too sad. Barbara has always had the "80%
Theory" about David: he would be perfect if he were 80% of what he is
now. I don't like to ask her too much about the theory, because I
believe it extends to other, adult people living in the house, some of
whom may be typing this right now. Jacob is the "Little Yappy Dog" --
he squirms and squawks and lures you right up close to him so he can
issue the "Begin Spewing" command -- or at least open his bottomless
mucous spigot and drain it onto your suit jacket.
I often take the boys to the pediatrician, which is a stressful
experience. First, David can be counted on to mother me. Despite our
almost genderless family structure, David is deeply suspicious of my
nurturing ability, and keeps mental track of my failures in this
department. "Daddy," he begins. "Don't forget to take the checkbook.
Last time, you didn't take the checkbook. Last time, that frowny-face
lady said you owed money. Last time, you said you'd remember the
checkbook..." Okay, okay! I'll remember the checkbook, now get off my
back you three year old nag!"
I am typically the only man at the place, except for parents who are
obviously on their first visit with a newborn -- before the men have had
time to come up with the really good excuses ("Must hunt food. Must
kill beast."). When I open the door to the waiting room, the women look
up and gasp as if it's Elvis.
I cannot let it bother me, because my mind is 100% occupied with the
instructions Barbara gave me. She, and only she, knows *exactly* what
to tell the Doctor in order to get the medicine. This information is so
complicated I've got to keep repeating it to myself so I don't forget
(mucous green, fever for at least four days, poor appetite; mucous
green, fever for...). If I mess up, I've got to grab a Doctor, hold my
mechanical pencil up to his throat, and shout to the whole office:
"Okay, everybody chill. Just give me the pink antibiotic stuff and
nobody gets hurt. That's right, nice and easy."
When David is being examined, he lets up on lecturing me and starts
bossing around the Doctor for a bit. "You forgot to look in my ears to
see if they're pink," he says -- barely hiding his disgust. I enjoy the
break, and usually get a sympathetic look from the Doctor. Jacob, on
the other hand, screams from check in to check out at the top of his
lungs. When he is actually being examined, he hits a Minnie
Ripperton-like high note which shatters the glass covering the Doctor's
diploma. Then, he looks at me as if I've sold him out.
I love the boys' pediatrician. He is an older doctor who I like to call
"Metaphor Man." He has long since abandoned the awkward jargon of most
physicians, and replaced it with a mind-blowing repertoire of metaphors
for every possible sickness. I can't wait to get to the end of the
visit so he can let me have it, in all it's vivid glory: "Mr.
Rosenberg, David's cold here is like a train. We could try to run next
to it as fast as we can, but all that would do is get us tired.
Instead, we could let it run its course and guide it as best we can in
the right direction." I have a weakness for this sort of stuff, and
this guy is an absolute master. Every time I leave the office, I
rededicate myself to becoming a more colorful writer.
The problem is, when I get home Barbara asks me "what did the Doctor
say?" My answer is usually "don't run next to a train." This doesn't
sit well with the Mrs., who doesn't appreciate metaphors the way I do,
and simply wants Jacob to stop retching on her navy blue wool blazer.
I'm getting better at the sick thing, but I know I've still got a long
way to go.
What is the name of the Russian Doctor who performs sex-change
surgery?
It's Doctor Kutchakockof!
surgery?
It's Doctor Kutchakockof!
Case Report:
Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome
Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1998
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.
On January 2, 1998, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who
appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately
state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of
generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general
malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild
respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed
these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO!
HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's
occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to
many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer,
and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work
for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining
Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a
unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this
man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-
Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.
Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during
his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and
erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has
smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations
at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per
day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in
the past. He has no known allergies.
Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the
world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all
available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and
eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high
percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he
collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and
cookies). Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not
name any relatives.
Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80
vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and
Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal
abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other
particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights.
He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through
the day, and worsened by stress.
He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and
falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot
wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent
with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds.
Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and
distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of
hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of
150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He
has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during
exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure,
but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary
lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking,
and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease,
myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests
subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute
to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished
fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A
neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his
L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy
sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first
falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum,
which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely
etiology being the soot from chimneys.
Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be
organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his
personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits
long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago.
This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced,
head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence.
Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound
unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the
widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he
reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may
feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may
have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason
he employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe
his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-
image problems stemming from his obesity.
The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people
do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious
identity crisis if not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to
choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and
inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are
"naughty" and "nice". Because he experiences total darkness lasting
many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective
Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.
Treatment and Counselling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A
referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem.
On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further
cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to
wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents
where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh,
heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet
and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a high-fibre,
low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking.
He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it
remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out
for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports
doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".
Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms,
should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I
encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied
professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg
Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/
physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of
children everywhere depend on effective management of these
syndromes.
Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome
Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1998
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.
On January 2, 1998, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who
appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately
state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of
generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general
malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild
respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed
these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO!
HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's
occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to
many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer,
and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work
for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining
Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a
unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this
man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-
Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.
Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during
his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and
erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has
smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations
at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per
day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in
the past. He has no known allergies.
Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the
world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all
available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and
eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high
percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he
collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and
cookies). Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not
name any relatives.
Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80
vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and
Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal
abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other
particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights.
He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through
the day, and worsened by stress.
He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and
falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot
wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent
with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds.
Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and
distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of
hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of
150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He
has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during
exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure,
but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary
lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking,
and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease,
myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests
subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute
to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished
fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A
neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his
L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy
sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first
falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum,
which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely
etiology being the soot from chimneys.
Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be
organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his
personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits
long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago.
This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced,
head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence.
Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound
unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the
widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he
reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may
feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may
have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason
he employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe
his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-
image problems stemming from his obesity.
The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people
do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious
identity crisis if not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to
choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and
inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are
"naughty" and "nice". Because he experiences total darkness lasting
many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective
Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.
Treatment and Counselling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A
referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem.
On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further
cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to
wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents
where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh,
heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet
and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a high-fibre,
low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking.
He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it
remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out
for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports
doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".
Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms,
should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I
encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied
professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg
Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/
physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of
children everywhere depend on effective management of these
syndromes.
TO THE SMOKER
Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and
putrifies my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place
without my consent. I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again.
The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on
a chair and pissed on your head and clothes without your consent?
Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and
putrifies my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place
without my consent. I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again.
The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on
a chair and pissed on your head and clothes without your consent?
Smoking
1000 Americans quit smoking each day - by dying!
A Hospital to Avoid
South African Health - Pelonomi Hospital
Date: 26 July 1996 10:08
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead
patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for
the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive
checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible
bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However,
further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths.
It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the
ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support
system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go
about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would
plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the
patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams
and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in
question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department
is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there
should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now
closed."
from (Cape Times, 6/13/96)
BTW, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes
Off Patients."
South African Health - Pelonomi Hospital
Date: 26 July 1996 10:08
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead
patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for
the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive
checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible
bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However,
further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths.
It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the
ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support
system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go
about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would
plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the
patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams
and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in
question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department
is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there
should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now
closed."
from (Cape Times, 6/13/96)
BTW, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes
Off Patients."
Female Pharmacist
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain so he goes to the
doctor.
The doctor says that the problem is serious, but with medicated rectal
inserts the problem should go away. After the inital insertion, the
Doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed.
That night, before he goes to bed, the man attempts to insert the
medicine.
After about 15 unsuccessful tries he calls his wife for help. His wife
puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the medicine. He lets out a
scream. 'Did I hurt you?' his wife asks.
"No, but when I was at the doctor's, he had TWO hands on my
shoulders!'
doctor.
The doctor says that the problem is serious, but with medicated rectal
inserts the problem should go away. After the inital insertion, the
Doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed.
That night, before he goes to bed, the man attempts to insert the
medicine.
After about 15 unsuccessful tries he calls his wife for help. His wife
puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the medicine. He lets out a
scream. 'Did I hurt you?' his wife asks.
"No, but when I was at the doctor's, he had TWO hands on my
shoulders!'
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's
convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from
across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you
know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his
hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished,
she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You
know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an
anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''
convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from
across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you
know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his
hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished,
she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You
know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an
anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''
There was a doctor that had been having sex with a number of his
patients, and he started to feel guilty. Then a little voice inside
his head said, "You're not the only doctor that screws his patients."
That made him feel a bit better. Until another little voice said, "But
most of them aren't vets."
patients, and he started to feel guilty. Then a little voice inside
his head said, "You're not the only doctor that screws his patients."
That made him feel a bit better. Until another little voice said, "But
most of them aren't vets."
The Rules of EMS
1. Skin signs tell all.
2. Sick people don't bitch.
3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is
a bad thing.
4. About 80% of the battery patients deserved it.
5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.
6. If you drop the baby pick it up.
7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good
saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
8. All bleeding stops....eventually.
9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
10. If the child is quiet, be scared.
11. Always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
12. If the patient vomits in the rig try to hold thier head to the side of the rig
with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
13. If someone dies by chemical hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene
dangers it should be the patient, not you.
14. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient
is the real problem.
15. There will be problems.
16. You can't cure stupid.
17. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
18. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare,
especially the tuna casserole.
19. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
20. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional
moments of sheer terror.
21. Every Emergency has three phases Panic, Fear, and Remorse.
22. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the
can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.
23. Rocket scientists that get into car crashes are the first ones
to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
24. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
25. Turret mounted machine guns would work better than lights and sirens.
26. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and
not a medicated bandage.
27. Paramedics save lives; But it's EMT skills that save
Paramedics.
28. When a patient vomits outside, be sure to aim it at the citizens who
wouldn't back up.
29. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be fully stocked. In spite of the assurances of the offgoing crew.
30. If you don't have it, don't give up, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome, (then call
for a second unit).
31. There is no such thing as a "textbook case"
32. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and
vice versa.
33. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way
you planned.
36. If there are no drunks at an MVA after midnight, keep looking, some one
is missing.
37. Just cause your paranoid does not mean the Supervisor isn't around the
corner.
38. Remember what MICN stands for, "May I interrupt your Call Now?".
39. Just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they
know what they are doing.
40. Newbies have there own way of doing things.
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a brain surgeon!
A: God doesn't think he's a brain surgeon!
Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation. They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on.
The first doctor said, "I like to work on electricians."
"Why?" the others replied.
He answered, "When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes."
The second doctor said, "I like to work on librarians."
"Why?" the other doctors asked.
He replied, "Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern."
The third doctor said, "Well, I like to work on lawyers."
"Lawyers?!" replied the others suprised.
"Yes, Lawyers" he stated.
"But why?" they asked him.
"Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable."
Tombstones
Tombstone of an insomniac: I'm cured.
Tombstone of a hypochondriac: I told you I was sick.
Tombstone of an insomniac: I'm cured.
Tombstone of a hypochondriac: I told you I was sick.
Top Ten Signs You Need a New HMO
10. When you visit, they sing, "We're in the money, we're in the money..."
9. They have one hypodermic for each patient...and use it every year.
8. The x-ray machine is an intern with a flashlight.
7. No-one speaks English.
6. The date on the medicine bottle does not exist...it was printed before
the "new" laws took effect.
5. They take your temperature and ask you drop your pants first...
4. You have a severe coronary, and they give you an appointment in two weeks.
3. The podiatrist is the same guy who loaded your bags at the airport.
2. The diplomas on the wall are all from a local high school and include
a 7th grade science project award.
1. Patients check in, but you have not seen anyone leave...
10. When you visit, they sing, "We're in the money, we're in the money..."
9. They have one hypodermic for each patient...and use it every year.
8. The x-ray machine is an intern with a flashlight.
7. No-one speaks English.
6. The date on the medicine bottle does not exist...it was printed before
the "new" laws took effect.
5. They take your temperature and ask you drop your pants first...
4. You have a severe coronary, and they give you an appointment in two weeks.
3. The podiatrist is the same guy who loaded your bags at the airport.
2. The diplomas on the wall are all from a local high school and include
a 7th grade science project award.
1. Patients check in, but you have not seen anyone leave...
Types of Doctors
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they
can be differentiated by the following method:
General practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything,
but it's usually too late.
..and then we have Shrinks who cure deams...or dream cures.
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they
can be differentiated by the following method:
General practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything,
but it's usually too late.
..and then we have Shrinks who cure deams...or dream cures.
Viruses Are Comin' To Town
a parody of the song Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town
New Lyrics by
Greg
Crowther
You better watch out;
You better not sneeze.
You better not cough,
'Cause you'll spread a disease....
Viruses are comin' to town.
They have many shapes
And sizes as well,
But they don't come alive
'Til they enter a cell....
Viruses are comin' to town.
Their protein coat surrounds a core
Of R- or D-N-A.
They're so minute, there's not much more
About them you can say.... Hey!
They're hard to avoid,
Though people have tried.
It's too late now;
There's nowhere to hide....
Viruses are comin' to town.
a parody of the song Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town
New Lyrics by
Greg
Crowther
You better watch out;
You better not sneeze.
You better not cough,
'Cause you'll spread a disease....
Viruses are comin' to town.
They have many shapes
And sizes as well,
But they don't come alive
'Til they enter a cell....
Viruses are comin' to town.
Their protein coat surrounds a core
Of R- or D-N-A.
They're so minute, there's not much more
About them you can say.... Hey!
They're hard to avoid,
Though people have tried.
It's too late now;
There's nowhere to hide....
Viruses are comin' to town.
Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time
with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need
the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have 40% interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me..."
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
week!
While at the Dentist
by Russell Baker
as appeared in the New
York Times, December 4, 1998
If G-d had truly made man in His own image, as widely alleged, there would
be no dentists. No designer in his right mind, much less a perfect and
omnipotent G-d, would have settled for teeth at the top of the human
eating mechanism.
Had some draftsman shown Him blueprints featuring a tooth- equipped jaw,
G-d would surely have said, "Pshaw! I can do better than that," and that
would have been the end of teeth.
Instead, I spent two hours the other day with a mouth full of cotton,
metal, slowly hardening plastics, rubber gloves and a variety of other
people's fingers. After the usual moment of self-pity, I tried lifting a
sinking spirit the good old-fashioned way; to wit, by looking on the
bright side.
Suppose man had no teeth. Would politics be possible without teeth
flashing to mask faces terrifying with insincerity? What would have become
of the Kennedys, of Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Nelson Rockefeller, Teddy
Roosevelt?
Think of George Washington with his famous false teeth and painfully
clamped lips. Father of our country he may have been, but he lacked teeth
that dazzle. Isn't this why Americans have always felt uneasy toward him,
never comfortable as they feel toward toothy rascals we constantly vote
for while blinded by the glare of their teeth?
A world without teeth? It would mean lovers on tube and screen preparing
to kiss with no sparkling incisors and canines to bare to the camera.
Today's entertainment lovers go at each other with widely parted jaws and
dripping teeth, like those lions on PBS that are always chewing on poor,
helpless wildebeests.
A world without teeth? We'd be denied Dracula movies and the radio wit of
the great Fred Allen sponsored by Ipana for the smile of beauty and Sal
Hepatica for the smile of health.
With no toothpicks pouring off the factory line, how could we tell when
the cake is done?
Yes, it is thin stuff, and two hours is long. The dental chamber, however,
offered another distraction: television.
The set, mounted at ceiling height with its greedy salesman's eye staring
down, was tuned to one of those perpetual news channels. This day there
was no perpetual news, just perpetual olds:
Two Congressmen spoke of their respect for the Constitution. Snow was
falling on Western mountains. Children had murdered their parents. Parents
had murdered their children. President Clinton had let photographers show
him exuding the look of leadership. Movie stars were having children out
of wedlock. Extravagantly paid athletes said they were being
"disrespected."
Forced to watch this for two hours, I was astonished by the intense
concentration on money. Commercial after commercial urged viewers to turn
over money to this or that bank, this or that brokerage house, the implied
promise being that the money would be miraculously multiplied by financial
wizards.
Did banks and brokers advertise constantly -- or at all -- on TV before
the present Golden Age of Money? Beer, cars, soda pop, aspirin tablets
were TV's lifeblood in my youth.
The typical TV addict of those years would have been hard pressed even to
say what a broker did or why a bank should be considered trustworthy if it
paid you 2 percent for your money and lent it back at 12 percent.
It was as depressing as a Novocain needle to sit there awash in all this
appalling evidence that so many lives are now consecrated to the money
game. All those brokerage-house commercials! There must now be millions
and millions of people willing to let Wall Street desperadoes handle their
money.
Money, money, money, money was apparently the perpetual news. There were
minute-by-minute bulletins from Wall Street. The Dow was up, the Dow was
down, the Dow was steadying. The Nasdaq was down, up, down, up, down . . .
Actors posing as bankers and brokers were pleading for money and promising
happiness, which apparently would ensue once you were chin deep in money.
Was it for this that Americans died at the Alamo? And won the battle of
Midway? And heroically suffer the consequences of faulty jaw design?
by Russell Baker
as appeared in the New
York Times, December 4, 1998
If G-d had truly made man in His own image, as widely alleged, there would
be no dentists. No designer in his right mind, much less a perfect and
omnipotent G-d, would have settled for teeth at the top of the human
eating mechanism.
Had some draftsman shown Him blueprints featuring a tooth- equipped jaw,
G-d would surely have said, "Pshaw! I can do better than that," and that
would have been the end of teeth.
Instead, I spent two hours the other day with a mouth full of cotton,
metal, slowly hardening plastics, rubber gloves and a variety of other
people's fingers. After the usual moment of self-pity, I tried lifting a
sinking spirit the good old-fashioned way; to wit, by looking on the
bright side.
Suppose man had no teeth. Would politics be possible without teeth
flashing to mask faces terrifying with insincerity? What would have become
of the Kennedys, of Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Nelson Rockefeller, Teddy
Roosevelt?
Think of George Washington with his famous false teeth and painfully
clamped lips. Father of our country he may have been, but he lacked teeth
that dazzle. Isn't this why Americans have always felt uneasy toward him,
never comfortable as they feel toward toothy rascals we constantly vote
for while blinded by the glare of their teeth?
A world without teeth? It would mean lovers on tube and screen preparing
to kiss with no sparkling incisors and canines to bare to the camera.
Today's entertainment lovers go at each other with widely parted jaws and
dripping teeth, like those lions on PBS that are always chewing on poor,
helpless wildebeests.
A world without teeth? We'd be denied Dracula movies and the radio wit of
the great Fred Allen sponsored by Ipana for the smile of beauty and Sal
Hepatica for the smile of health.
With no toothpicks pouring off the factory line, how could we tell when
the cake is done?
Yes, it is thin stuff, and two hours is long. The dental chamber, however,
offered another distraction: television.
The set, mounted at ceiling height with its greedy salesman's eye staring
down, was tuned to one of those perpetual news channels. This day there
was no perpetual news, just perpetual olds:
Two Congressmen spoke of their respect for the Constitution. Snow was
falling on Western mountains. Children had murdered their parents. Parents
had murdered their children. President Clinton had let photographers show
him exuding the look of leadership. Movie stars were having children out
of wedlock. Extravagantly paid athletes said they were being
"disrespected."
Forced to watch this for two hours, I was astonished by the intense
concentration on money. Commercial after commercial urged viewers to turn
over money to this or that bank, this or that brokerage house, the implied
promise being that the money would be miraculously multiplied by financial
wizards.
Did banks and brokers advertise constantly -- or at all -- on TV before
the present Golden Age of Money? Beer, cars, soda pop, aspirin tablets
were TV's lifeblood in my youth.
The typical TV addict of those years would have been hard pressed even to
say what a broker did or why a bank should be considered trustworthy if it
paid you 2 percent for your money and lent it back at 12 percent.
It was as depressing as a Novocain needle to sit there awash in all this
appalling evidence that so many lives are now consecrated to the money
game. All those brokerage-house commercials! There must now be millions
and millions of people willing to let Wall Street desperadoes handle their
money.
Money, money, money, money was apparently the perpetual news. There were
minute-by-minute bulletins from Wall Street. The Dow was up, the Dow was
down, the Dow was steadying. The Nasdaq was down, up, down, up, down . . .
Actors posing as bankers and brokers were pleading for money and promising
happiness, which apparently would ensue once you were chin deep in money.
Was it for this that Americans died at the Alamo? And won the battle of
Midway? And heroically suffer the consequences of faulty jaw design?
A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the doctor, "Please kiss
me!"
The doctor says, "No!"
She asks again, "Doctor please kiss me."
The doctor says, "No!"
Once more she begs the doctor: "Doctor please kiss me!"
The doctor says, "No! I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
me!"
The doctor says, "No!"
She asks again, "Doctor please kiss me."
The doctor says, "No!"
Once more she begs the doctor: "Doctor please kiss me!"
The doctor says, "No! I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
You Might Be a Nurse If ...
You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for fear that they'll
drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing
digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.
You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings
say, "I'm afraid of shots."
You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.
You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.
You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for fear that they'll
drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing
digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.
You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings
say, "I'm afraid of shots."
You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.
You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.
You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.
You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes
each day for a week preceding the exam and doing
the following practice exercises, you will be totally
prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do
these simple practice exercises right in your home.
Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the main box. Have one of
your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard
as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again
in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of
the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your
clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one
breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask
a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast
is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and
repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the
waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the
bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Set an
appointment with the stranger to meet next year
and do it again. You are now properly prepared.
You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor looked at your
mom and said, ''This is going to cost extra if I have to touch its
ass.''
mom and said, ''This is going to cost extra if I have to touch its
ass.''
