The Simpsons

and that's why God causes train wrecks.
-- Bart's Sunday School Teacher, "Homer's Triple Bypa...
Lisa: My dad is very sick. What's going to happen if he dies?
Albright: Well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven....
Krusty: Hey, hey! Hoo-huh-huh-ha-ha! Homer: [gags] Krusty
What's the matter. Oh, yeah, my grotesque appearance!...
Abe: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son.
I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!...
Lenny: All of us guys pitched in and made you a "Get Well" card.
Homer: Thanks, guys. [we see the back, it reads "EMERGENCY PROCEDURE - DO NOT REMOVE"] Carl...
Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it.
But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!...
Moe: Hey, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake?
Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it] Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free....
Homer: Now Marge, if the unthinkable should happen, you're going to be lonely.
Marge: Oh Homer, I could never remarry. Homer: Darn right....
Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens.
Let's see...er...Oh, I'm no good at this. Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear] Home...
Doctor: [on TV] ...and then, you make the incision below the collarbone.
[splurt] Nick: Oh, no. Blood!...

619