International 1999 Darwin Awards

One of the long awaited moments of each New Year is the awarding of
the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognises those people, who
through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society
by removing their genes from the genepool. So here are the runners-up
for this year's award.

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries
sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit
farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal
guard-rail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva.
In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the
railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip
slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The
military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his
judgement and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse
while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him
stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge
pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark
enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to
the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river.
The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of
the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove
the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an
ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the
first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his
own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his
car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and
his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to
have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter
was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun
as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that
the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the
butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt
and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long,
lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed
his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney,
Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday,
with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1
point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his
winning total of 236; (winners never quit!) which had also netted him
the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater
than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to
the usual temple of over-indulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped
back to his work place to sleep it off, a condition that became
permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34
beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40
minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but
Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost
paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined
the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not
known whether Allan required any further embalming.

(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning
British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty
Stobbs, 67,was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of
hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed
the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100'
quarry near Durham, in northern England. "I saw the sheep surround the
bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline", neighbour Alan
Renfry told reporters.

First Runner Up Award goes to ....

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered
Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn
citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent
an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the
south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing
continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and
the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink
and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing
the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh
because the blast destroyed everything", the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper
reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is....

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings
time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At
precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two co-ordinated car bombs
exploded in different cities, killing the three terrorists who were
transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had
been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed
the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had
made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in
order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers.
Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time". Two weeks of
scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a
Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The
confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result,
the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering
to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.