[For the uninitiated:
MAF Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries
DoC Department of Conservation
WINZ Work and Income New Zealand (who hand out the benefits)
tapu (Maori) taboo, being sacred (religion)
kakapo one of three New Zealand native parrots, now almost extinct,
despite best efforts long-term survival is questionable
]


IF NOAH LIVED TODAY...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make
it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans
and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must
complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was
sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "Where is the
Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems.

First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans
did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
the plans and get an engineer's report from the Council. Then I got into
a fight with NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a
sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the
provision of smoking or non smoking areas. Then the Residents
Association objected, claiming I was violating SAM zoning ordinances by
building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft and
therefore a threat to existing homes.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the
ban on native logging on the West Coast. They tried to get me to
use Fijian Jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from
Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that
wasn't party to the international working party on the life cycle of
native timbers. I finally convinced DoC that I needed the wood to
indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which seemed to get a bit
of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected
and won't let me catch any kakapo. No kakapo. No wood.

Under the new Employment Contracts Act, the carpenters formed a union
and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement under the
provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw
or a hammer. OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management
and Safety procedure before they start work and ACC are insisting we
pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So
now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no kakapo and no wood.

When news got out that I was rounding up other animals, MAF arrived and
insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months
before sailing. The also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic
engineering practices were involved.

The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door.
They want an Enviromental Impact Report on the proposed flood: the area
it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local
micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing
and production and local transport, areas for possible relocation and
resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point
entirely.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our
selection criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious
and race diversity of Earth.

Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged non
payment of child support. It seems a local baseball coach is claiming I
knocked her up last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the
relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs Noah is beside herself.
She's enrolled herself in the Women in Leadership Seminar and has
applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of Tainui's corporate
box at Ericson stadium and is leaving me.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six
years", Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and
the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No", said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already
has."

author unknown (but clever!)